Need mens honest thoughts
KenziesMomma11
Posts: 258 Member
My Husband is active duty Army, an infantry soldier and in pretty damn good shape. We have been married 3 years in June and have a beautiful 1 year old Daughter. I was about 160 when we got married (saw that he searched google to get wife to lose weight), lost 30lbs while he was deployed (he showed more interest in me when he came home for leave...hence the baby lol), and then got up to about 195 after my Daughter (felt like he was grossed out by me). Now that I am on this weight loss/healthy living journey he is showing some pretty good support, but I feel its only because he wants me to look like a Victoria Secret model, which I never will...
SO HERE IS MY QUESTION....can you honestly love and be happy with someone you don't find physically attractive? I'm worried that if I don't get the results he pictures in his head...he might head...out...
SO HERE IS MY QUESTION....can you honestly love and be happy with someone you don't find physically attractive? I'm worried that if I don't get the results he pictures in his head...he might head...out...
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Replies
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yes you can but he should love you for so many of your attributes, physical appearance is but just one of these ,0
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So are you sure that he was looking into weight loss for you because he wants you to look like a model or that he wanted you to be healthy? Those are two very different things. I'm hoping it is the latter...0
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This makes me sad. It might be possible, but I have to ask...why would you want him to stay with you if he found you unattractive?
Sounds like he's the one with the problem, not you.0 -
So are you sure that he was looking into weight loss for you because he wants you to look like a model or that he wanted you to be healthy? Those are two very different things. I'm hoping it is the latter...
^^^^THIS!
Have you sat down and told him that you saw what he had googled, and asked him if he wants you to look like a model or to be healthy?0 -
my old man gave me a ultimatium a little over a month ago he told me that if i did not lose weight he would leave completely
i am 5*10 179 i carry weight pretty well because of my height i was comfortable for the most part with myself
since i have figured out that i should not have to lose weight for him to want me he should want and be attracted to me and love me for me so now i am losing for me and if he dont want me i know there is someone out there who does and will love me for me no matter if i am over weight or not
i dont think you can love someone if you are not attracted because part of love is attraction it is not true love in my eyes0 -
yes you can but he should love you for so many of your attributes, physical appearance is but just one of these ,
I have to agree with Giantruss, so much more than looks to a person.
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I have no advice, but that really sucks. I am so sorry... He sounds like a douche0
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My wife added almost 80 pounds when she was pregnant with our son (17 years ago) and has fluctuated in weight all thoughout our marriage. THe bottom line for me is that I love her for who she is and although I thought she looked better when she was thinner, I still found her attractive because I love her as a person. I can't speak for all men (or women for that matter), but that's how I feel. Love is love.0
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Couldn't agree more with Qarol. Sounds like his problem. He should love you for you, no matter what.
On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with him wanting you to be healty.0 -
GIRL! Okay, I'm not a man. Sorry. BUT, when I met my husband I weighed 125lbs. After our twins were born (I mean the day I got out of the hospital) I weighed 185. In the years following our twins' birth, I got up to 230 at my highest. Not proud of this. However, I was paranoid about my husband and how he would take it. We only got married because I wound up pregnant (not smart, I know). But one day, I took the bull by the horns, and talked to him about it outright. And he told me that he loved me MORE now, because we'd had time to grow as a couple, we had to work through a lot of difficult things together, and we'd gotten to know each other so much better. I truly believe...I truly KNOW...that he isn't nearly as upset about my weight gain as I am. You're ADORABLE. Seriously, I can't see much of you in the pic, but look at how beautiful you are. And honey, 160 isn't that really all that heavy. Your husband needs a major attitude adjustment if he's got any issues with your weight. For crying out loud, you carried his child, you care for that baby, you're a woman (hear you ROAR!). If he's an *kitten* to you because of your weight, he needs a serious reality check and a thunk on the head. It hurts my heart to hear that you judge your worth based on your looks, or even that you think that there's something WRONG with the way you look. AUGHHH!!!!0
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I love him very much...
I think he just has a weird issue with "fat"This makes me sad. It might be possible, but I have to ask...why would you want him to stay with you if he found you unattractive?
Sounds like he's the one with the problem, not you.0 -
Obviously, I'm not a man, but I feel compelled to put in my two cents.
If you're husband cannot appreciate the body that gave birth to his child and the hard work that you are putting in now to make yourself healthy, then he is not worth it. I mean come on. You are a very pretty girl and while you may be carrying a few extra pounds, it's not as if you are morbidly obese. If his body changed, would you love him any less. I'm guessing not.0 -
Well, it's like this. Women tend to be emotional and sensitivity driven creatures. Men unfortunately tend to be end driven physical based. That is fact. There are of course exceptions both ways. That is why MOST smut magazines, films etcetera are male oriented. Because they are generally the ones buying/renting them. Ask yourself this, if your husband someday gained say 60 pounds of beer gut would you be as sexually attracted to him as you are now? Honestly? Being a man, I don't know but maybe since women tend to desire that emotional attachment more than most men do. Most men like their women to be in the best shape that they can. Part of the allure is that the woman tries her best to look her best for us. Personally, I don't care. But if my wife let herself completely go in every way it would be a turnoff. Keep in mind of course there ARE EXCEPTIONS FOR BOTH THE SEXES. As long as both in a relationship try to look their best for each other that is all that matters. As long as it doesn't change who they are inside. (jeesh, what's up with me today? I feel like Tony Robbins!)0
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I am not a man, but I will say this. If you are bigger than you were when you got married than honestly I would understand his concerns. Now with that said, he should not compare you to another woman and want you to look like another woman because he married you for you. It is important to keep yourself in shape and looking attractive for your mate but if you get back where you were when you got married and he still isnt happy with you, those are his issues, not yours.0
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I'm not a guy but I can understand how you feel. I gained a lot with our last child (on mandatory bed rest whole time). I suggest talking with him. Tell him your goals and how you feel in a non attacking way. Cause bottom line regardless of what any guy on here says unless one of them is your husband you really still don't have your answer.
Wishing you well on your journey and a long happy life together.0 -
The fact that you have a child together, the fact that you stand by him as he is deployed, that fact that you share so many things beside just how you look on the outside, should be what he loves about you. Hopefully he is being supportive to help you be healthy, not just go after a certain image. If not, then maybe you need to see if you are better off without someone like that in your life...0
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I agree with what others have said. I would add that love and physical attraction are not the same. For many, physical attraction is very important, but this will diminish as we age. That being said, being healthy and feeling good about yourself make up 90% of attractiveness IMHO
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I did talk to him about my issue with my weight and worry that he might leave and he told me he didn't care, that he loved me and thats why he married me...because I was his best friend and he loved being with me.
BUT... I just can't get around how he gets so grossed out by people we see when we are out that are overweight but I am also overweight.0 -
well he could be just concerned for your health and wants you to just be healthier, in am dealing with this with my fiance she.. correction we have gained alot of weight since she got pregnant 5 years ago and now shes bigger than she was when she had our son. and i just worry about her alot. i love her now as much as the day we met but i want her to get healthy. he very easily could have looked up dating sites before he left. i would just bring it up and ask him, it could be something he wants to do with you! i would love to work out with my fiance but she has no interest in it right now0
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I was bedrested at 4 months and lost my brother at 5 months along...gained alot from that point on.I'm not a guy but I can understand how you feel. I gained a lot with our last child (on mandatory bed rest whole time). I suggest talking with him. Tell him your goals and how you feel in a non attacking way. Cause bottom line regardless of what any guy on here says unless one of them is your husband you really still don't have your answer.
Wishing you well on your journey and a long happy life together.0 -
Not a man here but years of experience with this very same topic. My husband of 20 years did not find me attractive once I gained weight. It factored so hard into our marriage. I spent 20 years begging for attention....begging for affection.....yes, even begging for sex. It made me feel unlovable and unattractrive which escalated into low self opinion and low self respect which escalated into more weight gain. Mean ugly cycle! Finally, I found the courage and strength to say....enough!
Now I'm not saying this to discourage you or make you feel like you are going to lose your husband. Quite the contrary! There is second chapter to this story.
I met my current husband four years ago. He adored me for me. I was already overweight and it got worse over the next 3 years. I think I was feeling too happy and that old self-sabotage thing got the best of me. But this is how I explain the difference between marriage and love.........this is what love did for me:
Because he says I'm the most beautiful woman in the world........... I started to see the beauty in myself.
Because he treats me like the center of his universe.......................... I started to see value in myself.
Because he only sees the good in me.....................................................I try every day to be better than I was the day before.
If he truly loves you.......... truly........... your weight is just a number. He might want you to be thinner and healthier for yourself and yes....even for himself....... but if he loves you that won't be the deciding factor. If it is......... it was never going to last anyway.0 -
My story is kinda like yours. And no, I'm not a naked, but I'd like to respond anyways.
My husband is army. We married in December. When we met, I had been nearing 140 without realizing it. He roundabout suggested losing weight. From August to December, I lost almost 30lbs, and weighed in at 111, but it still wasn't enough. Still isn't enough. And he stays, not because I lost weight for him or because I have a rocking figure, but because he loves me. I'm pretty sure your hubs isn't trying to hurt your feelings or make you feel poorly about yourself. It probably wants you healthier so you'll be around to live a long happy life with him & your daughter.
My hubs knows I'll never look like a VS model. I'm too short, but he does want to me keep trying & make it a lifetime thing instead of a quick fix diet, get to weight, and give up. He wants ne healthy fit and strong too. He wants me to be able to keep up with him and outrun him. He wants me to do all the things I never thought I could cuz I was getting so outta shape.
I honestly don't think he will leave you. He was with you at your biggest because he loves you. He cares about your health. I think he more likely just doesn't want you to give up after you make goal weight. Ya know?0 -
Maybe you just need to tell him, hey, when you make comments or are grossed out by other people's weight, it makes me feel bad, because I'm not at the ideal weight myself.0
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You are totally right. I guess my own insecurities have just gotten the best of me.My story is kinda like yours. And no, I'm not a naked, but I'd like to respond anyways.
My husband is army. We married in December. When we met, I had been nearing 140 without realizing it. He roundabout suggested losing weight. From August to December, I lost almost 30lbs, and weighed in at 111, but it still wasn't enough. Still isn't enough. And he stays, not because I lost weight for him or because I have a rocking figure, but because he loves me. I'm pretty sure your hubs isn't trying to hurt your feelings or make you feel poorly about yourself. It probably wants you healthier so you'll be around to live a long happy life with him & your daughter.
My hubs knows I'll never look like a VS model. I'm too short, but he does want to me keep trying & make it a lifetime thing instead of a quick fix diet, get to weight, and give up. He wants ne healthy fit and strong too. He wants me to be able to keep up with him and outrun him. He wants me to do all the things I never thought I could cuz I was getting so outta shape.
I honestly don't think he will leave you. He was with you at your biggest because he loves you. He cares about your health. I think he more likely just doesn't want you to give up after you make goal weight. Ya know?0 -
You are spot on! I bet he doesn't even realize it bothers me.Maybe you just need to tell him, hey, when you make comments or are grossed out by other people's weight, it makes me feel bad, because I'm not at the ideal weight myself.0
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I'm not a man, but I am going to throw out some thoughts.
First, I'm glad you talked to him about it.
You said you found that he googled how to get your wife to lose weight, or something similar. Maybe he was looking for help in how to express what he was feeling, that is, he wants you to be happy and healthy. It's pretty much drilled in to people that "you never talk about a woman's weight to her." He may have felt uncomfortable broaching the subject with you because it IS such a sensitive topic. Are you truly happy at the weight you're at? He may see that too and just be trying to help but is really bad at it.
As far as the comments, well, I don't really think he sees you as "one of them," so that's why he's comfortable making them.
Just my $.02, take it for what you will. Hope things get better 0 -
My wife added almost 80 pounds when she was pregnant with our son (17 years ago) and has fluctuated in weight all thoughout our marriage. THe bottom line for me is that I love her for who she is and although I thought she looked better when she was thinner, I still found her attractive because I love her as a person. I can't speak for all men (or women for that matter), but that's how I feel. Love is love.
I agree with this. I still turn my husband on and I gained 60 pounds in my pregnancy. I can still get him to "rise up" which is very great to know. I have been 80 pounds lighter and he has always treated me the same. I hope you have a man who loves you as a person and not as an object, because you deserve it. Dont let him tear you down because you are a little over your target, thats when you need them to love you the most, not be grossed out. I am going to guess that if my husband ever googled on how to get your wife to lose weight, it was because he wanted me to be thinner and not the healthy thought. I dont think most men would think of the healthy aspect, especially if they are physically fit and all.0 -
I did talk to him about my issue with my weight and worry that he might leave and he told me he didn't care, that he loved me and thats why he married me...because I was his best friend and he loved being with me.
BUT... I just can't get around how he gets so grossed out by people we see when we are out that are overweight but I am also overweight.
OK...this will be harsh and you will not want to hear this....and I know that I will be slammed. But, you said that he loves you and he married you because you are his best friend. BAM! Enough said....he loves you and will not leave you.
NOW...do something to get your body back the best that you can. Yes, having kids changes our bodies, but it should not give us a reason to stay heavy. I know because I have 6 kids.
MY DH is a university professor, super hot, really nice, great sense of humor....so I hear ALL of the time how hot my husband is. College girls love him and so do all of my female friends. Now, I have had 6 kids. Each time I gained 50-60 lbs! My babies weighed 9-9.5lbs!!! This last pregnancy, I was 2 or 3 lbs shy of my husband AND I was 39. So weight does not come off as easily.
So 18 months later....I was still 15lbs overweight BUT at 39, it was not a good looking 15lbs, it was that loose saggy arms, horrible inner thighs, stretch marked tummy skin still filled with fat. I did some soul searching....is THIS how I am going to look for the rest of my life? Now, my hubby would never leave me, but, I want him to lust and desire me!!! So, I joined a gym last year.
Started getting the weight off, then decided because of my age, it was time to build some muscle...because I did not want to be skinny, I want to look athletic and fit. Now, I do not look like a VS model and I do not look as good as I did before kids....but for a 42 year old mom of 6 kids....I look pretty good. MY hubby loves that we can eat a lot of the same things because I do higher protein medium carbs meals, we do protein shakes and bars....AND, he thinks that I am super hot.
Men are visual...that is just how it is...give him something to look at. Again, you may not be pre-baby body....but I promise you that if you workout and eat well and he sees you trying and he sees a difference, he is going to LOVE that and will LOVE your body!! And do not worry about the scale. I am 12-15lbs more than when we got married....but I have a lot more muscle now then I did back then. So, just do what you can do to look YOUR best...don't compare yourself to VS models or Hollywood...remember all of their pictures are airbrushed anyway!!0 -
I am starting to think just this. Thank you. He could leave if he wanted to, but he doesn't. He gets up early, goes to work, calls me on his way home to see if I need anything, comes home to me and plays with our Daughter, pokes around the mall with me on the weekends and watches chic flicks. I think he should not make rude comments, but I should not be so insecure too.I'm not a man, but I am going to throw out some thoughts.
First, I'm glad you talked to him about it.
You said you found that he googled how to get your wife to lose weight, or something similar. Maybe he was looking for help in how to express what he was feeling, that is, he wants you to be happy and healthy. It's pretty much drilled in to people that "you never talk about a woman's weight to her." He may have felt uncomfortable broaching the subject with you because it IS such a sensitive topic. Are you truly happy at the weight you're at? He may see that too and just be trying to help but is really bad at it.
As far as the comments, well, I don't really think he sees you as "one of them," so that's why he's comfortable making them.
Just my $.02, take it for what you will. Hope things get better0 -
Thank you Momma! You look amazing! 6 kids, how do you have sanity!!I did talk to him about my issue with my weight and worry that he might leave and he told me he didn't care, that he loved me and thats why he married me...because I was his best friend and he loved being with me.
BUT... I just can't get around how he gets so grossed out by people we see when we are out that are overweight but I am also overweight.
OK...this will be harsh and you will not want to hear this....and I know that I will be slammed. But, you said that he loves you and he married you because you are his best friend. BAM! Enough said....he loves you and will not leave you.
NOW...do something to get your body back the best that you can. Yes, having kids changes our bodies, but it should not give us a reason to stay heavy. I know because I have 6 kids.
MY DH is a university professor, super hot, really nice, great sense of humor....so I hear ALL of the time how hot my husband is. College girls love him and so do all of my female friends. Now, I have had 6 kids. Each time I gained 50-60 lbs! My babies weighed 9-9.5lbs!!! This last pregnancy, I was 2 or 3 lbs shy of my husband AND I was 39. So weight does not come off as easily.
So 18 months later....I was still 15lbs overweight BUT at 39, it was not a good looking 15lbs, it was that loose saggy arms, horrible inner thighs, stretch marked tummy skin still filled with fat. I did some soul searching....is THIS how I am going to look for the rest of my life? Now, my hubby would never leave me, but, I want him to lust and desire me!!! So, I joined a gym last year.
Started getting the weight off, then decided because of my age, it was time to build some muscle...because I did not want to be skinny, I want to look athletic and fit. Now, I do not look like a VS model and I do not look as good as I did before kids....but for a 42 year old mom of 6 kids....I look pretty good. MY hubby loves that we can eat a lot of the same things because I do higher protein medium carbs meals, we do protein shakes and bars....AND, he thinks that I am super hot.
Men are visual...that is just how it is...give him something to look at. Again, you may not be pre-baby body....but I promise you that if you workout and eat well and he sees you trying and he sees a difference, he is going to LOVE that and will LOVE your body!! And do not worry about the scale. I am 12-15lbs more than when we got married....but I have a lot more muscle now then I did back then. So, just do what you can do to look YOUR best...don't compare yourself to VS models or Hollywood...remember all of their pictures are airbrushed anyway!!0
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