My Teenage Daughter

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  • jamiesadler
    jamiesadler Posts: 634 Member
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    I am in the same situation as you. My 14 almost 15 year old step daughter has lived with us since she was 7 though. We fought to take her away from her mother for all of the same reasons you listed. Overall she is a good kid but does the same texting, note passing, not tuning in paperwork etc. I took her phone completely away. She is only allowed to use it to call me or her father. I also took the tv away from her. Her homework must be completed before she is allowed to step outside. At one point I was doing the whole folder check and planner check every night to make sure she was doing it and getting it turned in. We have iParent up her and it allows me to see when she turns something in late or scores poorly on a test. I also do not let her do anything during the school week. Only on the weekend.

    I also try to use motivating items. She wants to get her ears pierced again and I told her if she brings home all A's and B's she can this summer. She also wanted to go to a dance. The agreement was she had to get at least a B on her next Japanese test. She failed and didnt get to go with her friends. The only real suggestion i can think of is set goals and rewards as well as punishments and stick to them no matter how much she begs. Good luck
  • jamiesadler
    jamiesadler Posts: 634 Member
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    Is she allowed on the internet? Scrap it for a week. Is she allowed to watch T.V? Scrap it for a week. Radio? Do the same. Each week she doesn't improve take another one away. She'll either improve or she'll only have her school work, chores, and dinner time to look forward to. My parents even went to the point of assigning new chores as a punishment.
    This is what we do with ours daughter!

    I have tried this as well. It works
  • chocolateandpb
    chocolateandpb Posts: 453 Member
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    Maybe she has fallen behind and has just been able to scrap by in the past. Maybe she needs a tudor to help catch her up. Or someone to teach her how to take notes and how to study at home.

    Just like this person needs a tutor. lol

    You said it, I thought it. LOL!!!
  • Myndi73
    Myndi73 Posts: 270
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    I was a wild child all thru school. I would ditch constantly. I was always in trouble for talking (no cell phones), passing notes, sleeping. After the 2nd or 3rd time of my teacher spoke to my father, he realized his "threats" and punishements were not working. My Dad came to my school and sat in every class, and "hung out" with me at lunch. I was MORTIFIED! He did it for a week...
    Guess what? I suddenly became a really, really good student. :)
  • jonnyman41
    jonnyman41 Posts: 1,031 Member
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    you said she was quite new to the school. Maybe she is just finding her way and which crowd to fit in with. As you have said she is already a well behaved girl away from class, a little time to make new friends and worth things out could be all she needs.
  • Beezil
    Beezil Posts: 1,677 Member
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    When my grades were rough in 5th grade for not doing the work, my parents had me get a weekly report from the teacher. If that week's report was bad, I would be grounded until the next good report.

    I am using this idea for my kid... lol :)
  • RollinDawg
    RollinDawg Posts: 235 Member
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    Maybe she's just a teenager, like I was....no ADD or ADHD or depression as an excuse. I just had better stuff to do than to be concerned with school work. When my grades started to slip, my parents pretty much took everything away and I earned it back when I showed improvement in school. I woke up, went to school, did homework, had dinner, studied and went to bed for a month or so. Eventually, I earned a little more freedom. Imagine that, a kid actually having to earn something and my parents were completely ok with me being mad about it for a little while. Oh, and it didn't kill me...actually probably helped me.
  • skyan
    skyan Posts: 12
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    I'm pretty self-motivated so my parents never had to use any type of encouragement for me. Try positive re-enforcement though - like if she makes a certain grade, she can go to the movies with her friends or some such. Find out what she likes to do and use it as a reward for good behavior. If not, then start taking away things that she can earn back for better work.
  • boggsmeister
    boggsmeister Posts: 292 Member
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    Talking in class, not turning in work, totally disorganized, good kid in every other way. That is my son who has ADHD and Aspergers. Coincidentally, very similar situation with his Mom.
  • sophjakesmom
    sophjakesmom Posts: 904 Member
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    First off, you should have her evaluated for ADD or ADHD. If you find out it's not that, I would take away her cell phone like you are going to do, and possibly have a parent/teacher conference with her teachers to go over her problems. Also taking away the internet is a good thing. You could also sit down with her once a week and go over her syllabuses and map out when she is going to do each assignment.

    This~~
  • Becky1971
    Becky1971 Posts: 979 Member
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    I agree communicate. I also believe in using contracts. A teen needs to be able to have a say in what kind of plan of action to take.
    Have you tried sitting down with her and her father and talk to her about what is going on.

    You mentioned that she has come to live with you and her father, how long has it been?

    You have not mentioned what her grades were like previously, has she always struggled with school or is it something recent?

    Sounds like she has alot of change going on in her life. Maybe a little one on one girl time together might get her to open up if there is something going on.

    Communication is key, and with a teen you want to keep the lines open, I personally don't think that punishment is the answer to poor academic standing.

    Adjusting to a new step-mom, new school, loss of friends are pretty big to a hormonal teenager!

    Best of luck to all of you.

    Karen
  • Alexstrasza
    Alexstrasza Posts: 619 Member
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    I think you should talk to her and find out why she's slipping. Maybe all the stuff that happened at her Mom's is affecting her and the only place she acts out, is at school.

    If she's struggling intellectually, maybe hire a tutor or sit down with her every night and help her with her homework.

    As for punishments, the best ones for teens are to take away phones, computers, tv, etc.
  • PlunderBunneh
    PlunderBunneh Posts: 1,705 Member
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    It sounds like she's been through a lot. I would really hesitate to take away the phone altogether, but it would probably help to leave it at home during the school day. I agree with the above poster that suggested rewards instead of punishment. Find out what the issue is, and encourage her to do better. When my parents took away privileges, it made me very resentful and caused me to act out in other ways.
    It might help to have her tested for ADD. I'm not saying that is what is it, but my husband has ADD and I can verify that it is actually a disorder, not something made up to encourage meds. He self-medicates with caffeine, and it is really effective for him, as long as he doesn't go overboard. Maybe a cup of coffee or tea will help her to concentrate? Of course, it's entirely possible that it isn't ADD or ADHD, but as a mom, don't you want to explore all the possible causes?
  • callmeBAM
    callmeBAM Posts: 450 Member
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    I was a trouble maker from 1st grade through 12th. I was always in trouble for either doing nothing (staring into space, not reading, not doing work) or for doing too much (disruptive), fighting, etc. They tried drugs, didn't work. They tried punishment, didn't work. The only thing I responded to was positive recognition from teachers or parents (and girls).

    Be patient. The cookie cutter school system doesn't work with everyone. Show that you are proud when she achieves something. I eventually grew out of it... at age 20. Now I am a successful small business owner, financial counselor, and get along great with my parents.

    Patience and understanding...
  • Vegetablearian
    Vegetablearian Posts: 148 Member
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    When I was younger, I was always getting kicked out of class, forgetting homework, talking in class, getting bad reports home from teachers...The teachers wanted me put on ADD meds (in my opinion because they thought it would shut me up, not because I actually had ADD), but the truth is, I was just bored. I was supposed to have been moved up a grade, but since I was already one of the youngest in the class, my parents didn't want me to move up anymore, and the classes were moving at too slow of a pace for me. Once I started doing a few classes (math, science) with the grade above me (while staying with my grade for everything else), and then Honors/AP track in high school, things really improved.
    Has your stepdaughter ever done some kind of intelligence testing? In situations like these, I feel that the most common reasons for struggling/misbehaving in class are 1. The kid is bored and the class is moving too slow 2. The kid is not ready for the level of material and has given up 3. The kid is depressed or struggling with emotional issues that are preventing him or her from focusing.
    If your stepdaughter has a well-above-average IQ, you should look into honors/advanced placement classes. If her IQ is average or below, you should probably look into having a tutor, extracurricular work like a Kumon program, or remedial level classes. Not that IQ is everything, but it could be an indicator of what the best path to take would be.
    If you think she is struggling with emotional issues, you should see about therapy, and maybe consider not doing so through the school's guidance counselor, as she might be worried people would find out she is seeking help (not that there is a single thing wrong with doing that, but teenagers, like I was, often feel embarrassed about seeking therapy of any sort, as they worry people will think they are crazy).
    I'm not a psychologist or teacher, but I strongly encourage you to not consider ADD/ADHD medication unless you have tried other ways of fixing the problem first. I have seen only a few people in my life that I truly think need this medicine; I know far more kids that were put on it and turned into zombies, never ate, were miserable, and can't do work without it, even though before the prescription they were still doing alright in school. Those I know who I feel truly need medicine like Ritalin have shown ADD/ADHD behavior for a long time and had trouble concentrating even on fun activities, not just school, so if her problems seem to be just school-related, dont be hasty to get a prescription like this. ADHD is WAY WAY WAY overdiagnosed/overmedicated, and if she is having emotional issues, you might be making it worse with this "quick fix".

    Of course, these are just my opinions, but I am 20, so the difficulties of this age are not too far in my past. I hope you find a solution that helps your stepdaughter.

    I have to totally agree, I was a doyle at school because I was bored and I misbehaved a lot ! I still did well at school but seriously some kids are far too clever for their age (in the UK there are no grades, you move on in school depending on age not ability)

    Id get so frustrated when my phone, internet were taken off me and I was told to do chores as I didnt see what the problem was, the classes bored me and I was getting top grades but nobody would listen
  • deadstarsunburn
    deadstarsunburn Posts: 1,337 Member
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    My parents always gave me more chores as punishments. lol it worked for me.
    That or taking the computer, driving, seeing friends privileges away.

    What did it most for avoiding doing bad things was knowing I disappointed them. Gah nothing is worse to me than making them upset with my choices.

    I would explain to her the reality of her decisions. If she's a freshman in high school and isn't doing well now, that will affect where she can go to college. I certainly didn't realize that as a freshman in high school.
  • ThaiKaren
    ThaiKaren Posts: 341 Member
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    Diificult one here, my daughter is now 31 and got married on Saturday but I remember those awful teenage years with her. Withdrawal of things she likes might help but then might make her go the other way. I think sitting down and talking to her an adult and ask her what the problem is. Ask for a meeting with her teachers with her present so she doesn't think there is some sort of conspriacy going on behind her back. Teenage years are always hard. my daughter was the class clown and was very disruptive, in the end she got expelled. But at 16 she joined the Forces and that was the making of her, she has always been hyper though, as that is her personality and I would'nt change her for the world.
  • quietlywinning
    quietlywinning Posts: 889 Member
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    However, I think a reward system might be better. Something like I'm going to check back with your teacher in 2 weeks for a full report. If you're behavior has improved I'm going to buy you a new pair of jeans... or take you to (where ever she likes to go).

    I think her behavior is typical for her age, and taking her phone from her probably punishes her more than you realize.

    This. It sounds like you have a good kid who has been through a whole lot. Going through a whole lot has an effect on a kid. She's been punished enough by life. Now she needs some help, and a whole lot of positive in her life. She needs to hear that you believe in her. She probably needs help with study skills, goal setting and time management, but it needs to be help, not something that feels vindictive to her. Communicate with her and let her know it's a team effort to help her do well with her studies *and* with building an enjoyable, positive social life. Communicate with her teachers, but involve her in that so she doesn't feel like she is being talked about behind her back. Treat her with respect even when correcting unhealthy behaviors. Let her know that rules are set in order to help her, to get her on track and keep her on track to a very fulfilling, happy life.

    I can tell you really care about her and want the best for her. You're a good mom. There will be rewarding days with her!
  • deadstarsunburn
    deadstarsunburn Posts: 1,337 Member
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    ADHD is WAY WAY WAY overdiagnosed/overmedicated, and if she is having emotional issues, you might be making it worse with this "quick fix".

    Of course, these are just my opinions, but I am 20, so the difficulties of this age are not too far in my past. I hope you find a solution that helps your stepdaughter.


    I'm going to AGREE x10 with the adhd over diagnosed/over medicated statement.

    My bf's cousin is 8 and is on adhd AND anti-depressants. One is trying to calm him down the other is trying to elevate his mood. This kid is in a drugged up haze half the time because no one wants to take care of him. Than his poor 5 yr old sister is always being accused of having adhd when in reality she's JUST a normal five year old full of energy.
  • Pookylou
    Pookylou Posts: 988 Member
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    I was a wild child all thru school. I would ditch constantly. I was always in trouble for talking (no cell phones), passing notes, sleeping. After the 2nd or 3rd time of my teacher spoke to my father, he realized his "threats" and punishements were not working. My Dad came to my school and sat in every class, and "hung out" with me at lunch. I was MORTIFIED! He did it for a week...
    Guess what? I suddenly became a really, really good student. :)

    Genius!

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