My Teenage Daughter

I want to provide a little perspective from your step-daughter's side. Having been the good/responsible kid with the rebel/way-out-of-line sister, I know how much pain she's probably in. Your step-daughter probably feels she needs to be ultra-careful about how she acts to make up for the chaos created by her sister. Judging by what you've shared with us, there has already been enough chaos in her mother's home. She may be overcompensating, trying to soothe the situation by being as non-confrontational and obedient as possible. That being said, she's stretching herself way thin socially at home in order to cope. At school, she feels safer because it's not home...and that's why she's acting out. My parents' relationship was highly dysfunctional and eventually led to a divorce. I felt much the same way that you describe your step-daughter.

She's lonely. She's scared. She's probably got a few issues she needs to deal with. And chances are, she doesn't know how to express them. My grades slipped when I didn't have any extracurriculars to take me out of the home environment for a while and allow me to express myself in ways that weren't allowed at home. Extracurriculars often have academic requirements. In my school, you had to maintain at least a C average. To my parents' surprise, I maintained excellent grades while I was involved in band year-round.

I'm really glad to hear that she's with you both now, and that the environment is more stable. Kudos to you both! And thank you for providing her with a caring maternal example. ((You may not realize right now just how much she'll value that in the future.)) However, she's probably still dealing with the trauma of what she experienced at her mother's house. If she's anything like me, she's probably also worried about her mom and half-sister. She may not be ready to confront some of the issues she's facing, but I would still offer to take her to therapy. She'll probably be resistant, but encourage her to go - don't make her go, just encourage her to go. Offer to go with her, to just sit in the lobby and wait while she's there...whatever it takes.

Best of luck to you. I hope my perspective helped you a little bit.

Keep in mind, she is 14. 14 year old girls are chatty, and sociable. passing notes is NORMAL , texting, well its a new era.. take the phone away. I would say tow a hard line. Tell her you will be checking in with the teacher every friday. If her studies have not improved, then have an extra side research project you could give her each time. I would start with some kind of career planning, and looking into her interestes etc.. what kind of schooling will be needed to meet her goals etc. I wouldn't say to have her tested for anything.. sounds like perfectly normal behaviour from a 14 year old, who is more interested in talking to her friends, boys etc. just make her know there are consequences for not having work done. For that matter, you can do what they do with my 8 year olds class.. they have planners, the teachers and the parent signs it every night in acknowledgement that homework needs have been met, and to communicate effectively any issues

Hit her where it hurts......Take the things that matter most away. Try until the grades/effort improve

She's 14/15 right? She's new and she's a good kid?

She's unorganized and hands things in late? But she's a good kid?

Look, she could have ADHD/ADD, some of those things are symptoms. I have an ADHD partner, with two ADHD stepsons and they are ALL like that.

On the other hand, I and my daughter scored very high in school and we did the same thing as the ADHD students. We were/are bored.

My last meeting with my daughters teacher, we discussed how she isn't challenged and doesn't feel engaged in the learning process. I made it very clear to the teacher that as long as my daughter maintained the bare minimum I wasn't going to harass her over grades because I know she knows the stuff and I know she gets it. However I am working on organization and timeliness because both of those things directly affect how easy the teachers job is.

Chasing students for homework is no fun.

Maybe you need to look at her way of tackling school work and devise a way WITH her, to get more on top of things. Maybe sitting down with her and talking about why she's having these issues may help?

I mean there's not a lot that can be done for boredom. But if you know that is what it is, then you know it's a matter of either supplementing her education outside of the school room, or riding it out until something engages her.

But getting her to work on her organization and her timeliness, those are skills that she will need in her future as a paid employee, those are skills that can make the difference between a promotion and more money and staying in the bottom pool. And those may even appease her teachers enough that they won't be calling you all the time.


Lauren

First off, you should have her evaluated for ADD or ADHD. If you find out it's not that, I would take away her cell phone like you are going to do, and possibly have a parent/teacher conference with her teachers to go over her problems. Also taking away the internet is a good thing. You could also sit down with her once a week and go over her syllabuses and map out when she is going to do each assignment.

I'm going to go with this as the most effective way to get her back on track.

Many people posting here don't realize how different education is now compared to the way it was 5, 10, 20 years ago. Being bored in classes because you aren't being challenged is hardly an excuse anymore; systems have been put in place to avoid occurrences such as the one's I've read many of you express in replies here. If the student is bored, there's plenty of avenues that they can take if all they seek is a bit of challenge (teachers/professors are pretty slick at identifying these students now too).

I'm no parent, but I'm a student and it wasn't all too long ago where I was having similar issues in grade school. My parents punished me plenty, phone taken away, computer locked down, and everything else you can imagine. Let's face it, this is a 15 year old teenager... Excessive punishment is only going to provoke her in a negative way.

I used to think that I was too good to see a therapist and rejected any referral that came down the pipe. I finally sucked it up.. my senior year of college after I pretty much screwed myself in so many different ways. Now I am wondering how different my life could have been had I sought the necessary help.

Here's my recommendation:
- Touch base with teachers/school faculty
- Seek weekly/fortnightly progress reports (if they know they're being watched, their efforts will increase)
- Seek outside help, if you feel it necessary
- Sitting down with her (nicely, of course.. not with an "I AM YOUR PARENT AND YOU WILL LISTEN" attitude) and see if you can address/identify what might be bothering her

That's my two cents. It's all just advice though.

My dad gave me money ($5) for every A i got, and if I got a 4.0 he gave me $50.

I don't really have any punishment ideas, but everyone can be bought! haha!!

But for football players I know some of their parents/coaches made them write down their homework and have the teacher sign it to show it was actually assigned or something like that

Does she have a laptop? I have a 7th grader and boy when I take the computer away she shapes up. No Facebook, no skype, no nothing....

However, I think a reward system might be better. Something like I'm going to check back with your teacher in 2 weeks for a full report. If you're behavior has improved I'm going to buy you a new pair of jeans... or take you to (where ever she likes to go).

I think her behavior is typical for her age, and taking her phone from her probably punishes her more than you realize.

I truely believe that the reward system is the answer. It is with my son. If he does well in school we go bowling, to the pool, a movie, give him money, xbox live, etc. Not all at once of course but for different things. We started to do this only this year since he is now in middle school and he has gotten straight A's one quarter and A's & B's the rest. Good Luck to you.

What other activities does she do? Get her involved in a sport or something else active, some clubs, or other activites so that she's meeting a variety of people and has a busier schedule. I know it sounds strange, but having a busy schedule forced me to prioritize when I was in school. Also, have her tested for learning disabilities, and get her into a tutor center to make sure that the mid year change in school didn't also have the impact of having her miss something. A tutoring center will also help her to organize her work load.

My parents paid for grades on report cards, they figured my going to school and studying to get good grades was my job, so they paid for performance.

hmm. interesting. see how you can get her active in other things that may interest her. if she really likes something, this may motivate her to do well in school. say for instance she plays a sport or is in a club, they may require her grades to stay at a certain level.

or see if she needs tutoring. talk with her, and see what she may want to do in the future. too often we drive kids to be college bound when they can indeed be successful without a 4yr. college degree. but still she needs to learn that whatever she does, she'll need to be organized.

try being a friend to her, but not in the "do whatever you want way" for me, my mom and I went to the mall a few days a week while I was in high school and I did her errands with her. so good thing you can try to spend time with her.

First off, you should have her evaluated for ADD or ADHD. If you find out it's not that, I would take away her cell phone like you are going to do, and possibly have a parent/teacher conference with her teachers to go over her problems. Also taking away the internet is a good thing. You could also sit down with her once a week and go over her syllabuses and map out when she is going to do each assignment.

So a kid doesn't do well in school and automatically it's add/adhd? lol
Oh America.

I thought the same thing..................or maybe she's GIFTED! Gifted kids get bored in school.

Why the labels all the time? She's a TEENAGER - they're all insane