My Teenage Daughter

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  • SirBen81
    SirBen81 Posts: 396 Member
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    I need some help with a totally non weight loss related topic, my 14 (Almost 15) yr old step daughter.

    Here is the story, she lived me and her dad because her mother did not provide a stable living environment. Its not a court ordered thing her mother just knows that she can not provide the same kind of stability that we can so she allowed her to live with us this year and go to her mom's for the summers (her mom lives 6hrs away). Anyways before she was living with us she saw a lot of things, drug abuse, physical abuse and so on...That being said she is actually still a good kid. instead of taking on the roll of a reblious teenager her smokes drinks and parties (like her older sister who my hubby is not the father) she kinda became the care taker. She geniually is a good kid. Except in school.

    When it comer to her academics she is lazy and unorganized. She is always turning things in late, her teachers tell us she talks in class alot, she needs to be told to refocus regularly and some of it has to do with the group of girls she sits with. I contacted a teacher today about her slipping grades and he informed me that she is passing notes and texting in class regularly. Now I did tell the teacher i do not understand why the hell they have not taken her phone, but that being said her Dad and I are probably going to take her phone for a while. That being said her phone is one of her only sources of punishment we have. She is newer to the school so she doesn't have a ton of friends and a super active social life. We have ha to take her phone before and i feel like its starting lose its effect. What other forms of punishment (or even ways to encourage or motivate her to do better) Do you use with your teenagers? I need some creative idea :)

    Put time and resources into ways that help her get better grades, rather then seeking new ways of punishment. Summer school, weekend tutors, online courses...ask to see her homework before she turns in it so you can review it. Those things are all punishment for a kid, but they will also help the kid learn. Taking a cell phone is just punishment.
  • missigus
    missigus Posts: 207 Member
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    I am a mom of a 13 yr old girl and 16 yr old boy. So, I kinda know where you are coming from. Plus, I have two neices who unfortunately had an up-bringing and experiences similar to your step-daughter. I always feel for these kids. Especially, since she is seeming to be doing well in your home and behaved outside of school.

    My personal feeling is this, if she's has your respect now, by trying to stay out of trouble in other areas. I'd encourage, recognise, and give her credit for that. I don't know how much I'd focus on punishment. Sit down with her and talk. Don't demean. I do a lot of explaining of "things" to my kids, sometimes if they understand your thought process they can better think it through themselves. For me and my kids it works better than a "because I said so" attitude. With no explaination. As someone suggested- maybe keep the phone home during the day.

    One thing I have my kids do, especially when they were younger, was to do their home work at the kitchen table. I could see them and help if necessary. Most schools have online access to homework that has been given in each class, if your does not, it may help to have the teachers e-mail you for a while on daily assignments due. Keeping up with teachers is huge! Also sit down and ask about her organization system. Does she use a binder? Does she have a folder for each class? One side for home work/ worksheets due and one side for finished/ready to turn in? Have one folder for graded items. ( we have a box under the bed where every week the "Graded" folder items get emptied into). My son was severely disorganized until we came up wth a simple solution for him like this. Both my kids use it and it has helped a ton.

    I think she is going through an adjustment phase. Keep up with her teachers. Offer help with home work, get her help to catch up if needed. Remove the phone problem by not allowing it at school. Rewards for good grades. What teenager girl doesn't want that cool new hollister t-shirt or whatever... You'll get it figured out. She sounds like you can at least work with her, as long as you can keep a level of respect and honesty. Good luck.
  • rc630
    rc630 Posts: 310 Member
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    ADD medication does not work if the person does not need it!

    That is completely incorrect. You do realize that theres is a black market at pretty much every college and a lot of high schools for kids wanting to buy ADD meds for during finals and big exams, don't you? I have tons of friends who take it without a prescription and pay $10 or so for each pill from kids who went and got a prescription of their own but dont need all their meds or dont take them all to make some cash off the extra. Personally I don't do it because I think doing that is equivalent to cheating, but you should be aware that those medicines are chemically similar to speed, and still have PLENTY of effect on people who aren't prescribed them. ADD diagnosis can be pretty subjective...it's not like they take blood or urine and dip a stick in it to see what color it turns or if there's a line. I also know of people who didn't think they had ADD but purposely acted during the test to get pills.
    Fact is, some people use them as an academic boost. Parents can get them for their kids because they don't know how else to deal with high energy, or even as a solution to having a kid with intelligence anything below outstanding as a way for them to get ahead in school.

    School is boring sometimes. School is hard. Studying isn't fun, and most kids won't want to do it for hours on end. That's life. But there are solutions to doing well in school that don't involve pumping chemicals into your kids brain every day. ADD/ADHD testing should come only AFTER talking to your child, listening to whats going on, considering professional therapy and/or positive reinforcement systems. There are consequences and downsides to ADD/ADHD medicines, and if your child doesn't actually need them, you run a very high risk of doing more harm than good, emotionally and physically, in the long term. If you had never considered her having ADD/ADHD symptoms until you heard of problems from her teachers, it is not likely this is truly the problem.

    I know this thread isn't about ADD meds, but I just sincerely hope you don't jump too quickly into medication. This is from someone who has been on other psychoactive drugs and has many friends who have experiences with them, and unnecessary medication like this is one of the worst things you could do to a child or teenager.
  • alexsmith01
    alexsmith01 Posts: 350 Member
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    I need some help with a totally non weight loss related topic, my 14 (Almost 15) yr old step daughter.

    Here is the story, she lived me and her dad because her mother did not provide a stable living environment. Its not a court ordered thing her mother just knows that she can not provide the same kind of stability that we can so she allowed her to live with us this year and go to her mom's for the summers (her mom lives 6hrs away). Anyways before she was living with us she saw a lot of things, drug abuse, physical abuse and so on...That being said she is actually still a good kid. instead of taking on the roll of a reblious teenager her smokes drinks and parties (like her older sister who my hubby is not the father) she kinda became the care taker. She geniually is a good kid. Except in school.

    When it comer to her academics she is lazy and unorganized. She is always turning things in late, her teachers tell us she talks in class alot, she needs to be told to refocus regularly and some of it has to do with the group of girls she sits with. I contacted a teacher today about her slipping grades and he informed me that she is passing notes and texting in class regularly. Now I did tell the teacher i do not understand why the hell they have not taken her phone, but that being said her Dad and I are probably going to take her phone for a while. That being said her phone is one of her only sources of punishment we have. She is newer to the school so she doesn't have a ton of friends and a super active social life. We have ha to take her phone before and i feel like its starting lose its effect. What other forms of punishment (or even ways to encourage or motivate her to do better) Do you use with your teenagers? I need some creative idea :)

    I used to be lazy and unorganised at high school, I used to chat with my friends instead of doing school work - that was just the nature of high school and being a teenager. When I got to uni I had to change and now I'm an Accountant (the most organised of the lot!). Don't worry too much, just remind her that if she wants to go to university or do whatever career path it is that she wants, that she will need to pass her exams. There's no way to force her to pay attention during class if you aren't there with her. Even without a cellphone she'll get distracted, perhaps more so because she won't be catching up on the goss by text after school. As long as she knows she should be focusing to get ahead, there isn't anything else you can do.
  • mslack01
    mslack01 Posts: 823 Member
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    I make mine sit in her room with the door open and read.
  • alexbusnello
    alexbusnello Posts: 1,010 Member
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    She could be struggling with the actual work and is embarrassed that she doesn't understand it. Or something is on her mind, bothering her....like hiding feelings.
  • kendra0224
    kendra0224 Posts: 35
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    First off, you should have her evaluated for ADD or ADHD. If you find out it's not that, I would take away her cell phone like you are going to do, and possibly have a parent/teacher conference with her teachers to go over her problems. Also taking away the internet is a good thing. You could also sit down with her once a week and go over her syllabuses and map out when she is going to do each assignment.

    So a kid doesn't do well in school and automatically it's add/adhd? lol
    Oh America.

    REALLY?

    I was recommended for ADD treatment when I was in school because I misbehaved in class and didn't pay attention. My parents pointed to my grades on the exams to show that I was bored in class. Not every issue is chemical.

    I agree! ADD/ADHD is a fall back diagnosis, and the majority of children being treated for this illness do not even have it. Those that actually have it usually remain untreated.

    She is in 7th grade, girls are more likely to pass notes and talk at this age than anything. I believe that giving her positive things to work for, as another poster said, would be more motivational to her. However, I do not disagree with taking her phone or computer away for a certain amount of time, maybe only allow her to have it for a couple hours after school....Good luck!
  • Nattiejean57
    Nattiejean57 Posts: 217 Member
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    O I see a lot of ADD/ADHD talk and i want to be clear, this isn't an option for us. my husband and I both have strong opinions of how it is over used in school systems.

    Also i do know what she is doing is pretty typical teenager behavior. she will be 15 in a few weeks, I am 28 so I am not that much older, though I am sure to her i am ancient
  • dash108
    dash108 Posts: 21 Member
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    bump, for ideas later. my daughter has school issues as well. nothing seems to phase her anymore if I take things away :|
  • fuhrmeister
    fuhrmeister Posts: 1,796 Member
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    lots of openions here. My step son is now almost 19. In teh 8th grade we had a big problem with grades. Her eis my list

    Make the punishment fit the crime -- i.e. take away things like internet, phone or tv if that is getting in the way of homework comlpleation. Adding more chores might get itn the way.

    I had him write every assignment n a day planner and at the end of class the teacher initialed that he had everything correct. This way i always knew what was due instead of relying on him to tell me.

    Be avaliable to help with homework -- maybe do a cross word puzzle or pay bills while sitting at the table with her why she does her homework so you are avaliable for questions I totally did this while my hubby cooked dinner.

    Rewards are great.

    From one step mom to another good luck. You are a wonderful mother for being so concerned.
  • MadeOfMagic
    MadeOfMagic Posts: 525 Member
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    As pain as it might be, I would email the teachers and have them email you the assignments for the week. Every day make sure she completes them. If she refused take the TV/internet/phone. When I was in high school I slacked up till the 10th grade, the only reason I got a 2.23 GPA was because I didn't do my homework (not all of it). When I found the college I wanted to go to I knew I need to shape up, so I started doing all my homework and studying -at least somewhat, my GPA went up to 4.0 in just one quater and I want to hard a** private school. Sometimes homework and not studing is enough to drown the GPA.

    She needs some sort of motivation whether its punishment or reward system; just tell her you do not wish to punish her and that you're willing to work out a way where both of you are happy. Ask if she needs help with studying or learning how to study, if she does get someone to help her. Find out exact reason why she is not doing well in school and help her take the steps to change that.

    I recommend you establish a reward system-it always works-tell her if she meets certain grade requirments and you will reward her with things she likes. I wish my parents did this because I would have had that 4.0 all through school. My friend's parents gave her $100 for every A on quarter report card, and $50 for B's. She was A+ student and is now going to harvard on full scholarship, in teh long run her parents saved a ton of money by rewarding her.
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
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    First off, you should have her evaluated for ADD or ADHD. If you find out it's not that, I would take away her cell phone like you are going to do, and possibly have a parent/teacher conference with her teachers to go over her problems. Also taking away the internet is a good thing. You could also sit down with her once a week and go over her syllabuses and map out when she is going to do each assignment.

    So a kid doesn't do well in school and automatically it's add/adhd? lol
    Oh America.

    No, it's that my sister had a lot of the same problems and she turned out to have ADHD. Mental health conditions are legitimate disorders of chemicals in the brain. It's worth an evaluation.

    Yeah! Didn't you know?! Giving kids drugs similar to speed/meth fixes everything! They get amazing grades! AND addictive tendencies! Woooohoooo!

    It is stereotypes of people that use medications like this that is causing problems in our society. How about until you meet and live with someone that suffered severely from ADD her whole life (and was not diagnosed until she was in high school) and benefits from being medicated for it, you don't judge. Thanks.

    Just to let you know also - my sister only takes her ADD medications when she is going to be somewhere where she has to concentrate. So in the summers, she doesn't take them as often.

    Having ADD/ADHD is nothing to be ashamed of. It is a legitimate medical disorder of the brain involving chemicals. It is not a personal weakness. What if I yelled at someone for having MS? Or Parkinson's? It is the exact same thing that many of you in this thread are doing. The idea of yelling at someone for having one of the above listed disorders is ridiculous, but many of you have no problem doing it to people who suffer from mental health conditions.
  • mvat839
    mvat839 Posts: 9 Member
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    I will say with exception of one teacher the teachers at this school have no interest in doing anything extra to help her improve.

    I hate to say this but the child obviously has an unstable home life (not necessarily anyone to blame) just not settled, teachers can do some help but not work miracles. The changes have to occur at home, then ask the teachers to do whatever you need them to do. Teachers are not miracle workers, and many times know just as much as the next person how to motivate certain kids.
  • crisanderson27
    crisanderson27 Posts: 5,343 Member
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    I need some help with a totally non weight loss related topic, my 14 (Almost 15) yr old step daughter.

    Here is the story, she lived me and her dad because her mother did not provide a stable living environment. Its not a court ordered thing her mother just knows that she can not provide the same kind of stability that we can so she allowed her to live with us this year and go to her mom's for the summers (her mom lives 6hrs away). Anyways before she was living with us she saw a lot of things, drug abuse, physical abuse and so on...That being said she is actually still a good kid. instead of taking on the roll of a reblious teenager her smokes drinks and parties (like her older sister who my hubby is not the father) she kinda became the care taker. She geniually is a good kid. Except in school.

    When it comer to her academics she is lazy and unorganized. She is always turning things in late, her teachers tell us she talks in class alot, she needs to be told to refocus regularly and some of it has to do with the group of girls she sits with. I contacted a teacher today about her slipping grades and he informed me that she is passing notes and texting in class regularly. Now I did tell the teacher i do not understand why the hell they have not taken her phone, but that being said her Dad and I are probably going to take her phone for a while. That being said her phone is one of her only sources of punishment we have. She is newer to the school so she doesn't have a ton of friends and a super active social life. We have ha to take her phone before and i feel like its starting lose its effect. What other forms of punishment (or even ways to encourage or motivate her to do better) Do you use with your teenagers? I need some creative idea :)

    You just described my 14yr old daughter (from being a good kid to the unreliable and disorganized school habits) during the last stages of (and into the following months after) my relationship with her mother. I took her phone. I took the computer. I took the TV. I took her friends. I took her books. I took the door off her bedroom. I also setup with her teachers so she had an agenda that was signed every day. She EARNED those things back, one by one by one. Yes...she was going through some emotional issues (with the split up), and yes, we talked about them...but unfortunately LIFE doesn't give a damn about what issues we go through, and so while I was there to support her emotionally, the punishments weren't allowed to let slide. It took a couple months, but as she earned her privelages back, her improvements came by leaps and bounds. She now HATES to miss school, because she hates the idea of make up work (she chose school the next day over the midnight showing of Hunger Games, seriously), and is an honor roll student.

    Too many parents nowadays don't provide structured, rigid discipline...with loving support to uphold it...and unfortunately, I think that's what's going to be the downfall of our country.
  • elfo
    elfo Posts: 353 Member
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    I think you should have her evaluated for ADD- if this is the case- punishment will NOT work. You will need to find ways to help her. ADD can manifest as misbehavior if not diagnosed. She deserves that- if it's not that, then you can go from there, but it sounds like that to me. Punishing her might push her into worse things- be careful.
  • TeresaWash
    TeresaWash Posts: 283
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    Well, I believe in punishment or consiquences for misbehaving, poor grades etc. But that doesn't work for all kids. Sounds like she's been punished enough in life. Maybe "rewards" for good grades, good reports from a teacher etc. Good luck to you, she is lucky to have parents that care, I hope you find an answer... just never ever give up on her!
  • breezymom81
    breezymom81 Posts: 499 Member
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    Having been in this spot, please do not punish her! She has had a rough life and is trying to adjust- instead get her a counsler and if she needs a tutor do that also! For what it's worth you can have all numbers blocked from texting with the exception of you and her dad-that way she can still reach you!
  • LavaDoll
    LavaDoll Posts: 595 Member
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    Coming from personal experience, having been one of those teenagers, it will only cause resentment. (taking things away) I think talking to her about going to a therapist and taking her to one would be more helpful over all. They will talk about everything, including academics. An outside influence is usually best in this kind of situation. She could have a multitude of issues that you aren't even aware of.

    EXACTLY.

    please tread lightly & be cool - from what you say, your daughter sounds like she really needs her social outlet - but also some help. taking her phone away will piss her off and make her feel worse than she does right now. it's not that she should be able to "get away" with things, but her actions sound like crying out, to me.

    you do not want to push her away. she is already separated from her mother, and no matter if that was for the best, it is a hurt that only those who have been there can understand.

    do your best to MAKE HER FEEL LOVED and IMPORTANT.

    keep her close - include her in more things in your home - her home - TALK to her more.

    do not let her shut you out, thinking that you just do not understand. open the dialogues - she needs somebody to LISTEN.
    better the people at home who love her than the kids at school.

    i have a 13 yo daughter, and have been dealing w this kind of thing all year...i have been spending more time w her, talking to her more, etc., and her attitude and grades have improved a great deal.

    do not give up on her - or she will give up on herself. <3
  • mnwalkingqueen
    mnwalkingqueen Posts: 1,299 Member
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    My son is the same age good kid with some small issues but seen the drug use too. It takes work on the parents side but I showed up at school hid in classrooms and wrote down or recorded what I saw and heard. I approached my son at lunch time he was shocked that I was there and could not deny what I saw and heard. We had an all teacher conference with my son and laid down the law of expectations and consequences. This was 2 months ago he is getting all A's and no missing home work or having classroom problems. He was either embarrassed or shocked that I came to school doesn't matter which as long as it made an impact.
    Taking away the cell phone works and so does removing the bedroom door. I have also taken away eating out and name brand clothing as punishments all are effective in their own way. I recently took away the ability to finish drives ed due to pot smoking. Just have to do it and stick to it kids today think they are entitled to have things that are privledges make them earn it.


    I agree with counseling and lots of communication because I do both but you also have to discipline. I have this saying I tell my freinds....I would rather have my child resent me for being a good parent than thinking I'm cool for being a bad one.
  • dmwiseman
    dmwiseman Posts: 34 Member
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    I was a wild child all thru school. I would ditch constantly. I was always in trouble for talking (no cell phones), passing notes, sleeping. After the 2nd or 3rd time of my teacher spoke to my father, he realized his "threats" and punishements were not working. My Dad came to my school and sat in every class, and "hung out" with me at lunch. I was MORTIFIED! He did it for a week...
    Guess what? I suddenly became a really, really good student. :)

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