Husband not physically attracted to me anymore

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Replies

  • grinch031
    grinch031 Posts: 1,679
    Can one really control who they are physically attracted to? I know I can't. I am either attracted to someone or I'm not.
  • jofjltncb6
    jofjltncb6 Posts: 34,415 Member
    [snipped]
    BTW, there are some pretty mean and rude people on here. Just an observation. And I didn't reply for a couple hours because I'm at work.

    Indeed there are...but there are some pretty mean and rude people everywhere. Welcome to the MFP message boards.
  • rfarinha
    rfarinha Posts: 388 Member
    In a marriage "physical attraction" and "love" do go hand-in-hand, and those of you who are saying that they are different are crazy. I "love" my cousin or brother, but I am not "physically attracted" to them. However, when it comes to my husband, it is not enough to "love" him (or have him "love" me). There has to be a physical relationship as well, otherwise, you are just roommates.

    As someone who has been married forever.... okay, well not forever, but for 23 years.... every marriage has ups and downs and the same applies here. But the greater question is, is this just a normal "valley", something that will pass or can be addressed, or is there something deeper that is causing the issue/feelings?
  • ArroganceInStep
    ArroganceInStep Posts: 6,239 Member
    In a marriage "physical attraction" and "love" do go hand-in-hand, and those of you who are saying that they are different are crazy. I "love" my cousin or brother, but I am not "physically attracted" to them. However, when it comes to my husband, it is not enough to "love" him (or have him "love" me). There has to be a physical relationship as well, otherwise, you are just roommates.

    As someone who has been married forever.... okay, well not forever, but for 23 years.... every marriage has ups and downs and the same applies here. But the greater question is, is this just a normal "valley", something that will pass or can be addressed, or is there something deeper that is causing the issue/feelings?

    It's a double edge sword though, isn't it? What if the husband gets ED? What if the wife's sex drive drops drastically?
  • grinch031
    grinch031 Posts: 1,679
    In a marriage "physical attraction" and "love" do go hand-in-hand, and those of you who are saying that they are different are crazy. I "love" my cousin or brother, but I am not "physically attracted" to them. However, when it comes to my husband, it is not enough to "love" him (or have him "love" me). There has to be a physical relationship as well, otherwise, you are just roommates.

    As someone who has been married forever.... okay, well not forever, but for 23 years.... every marriage has ups and downs and the same applies here. But the greater question is, is this just a normal "valley", something that will pass or can be addressed, or is there something deeper that is causing the issue/feelings?

    It might be true that physical attraction exists in the early part of the marriage, but what if it goes away later on?
  • teagin2002
    teagin2002 Posts: 1,900 Member
    In a marriage "physical attraction" and "love" do go hand-in-hand, and those of you who are saying that they are different are crazy. I "love" my cousin or brother, but I am not "physically attracted" to them. However, when it comes to my husband, it is not enough to "love" him (or have him "love" me). There has to be a physical relationship as well, otherwise, you are just roommates.

    As someone who has been married forever.... okay, well not forever, but for 23 years.... every marriage has ups and downs and the same applies here. But the greater question is, is this just a normal "valley", something that will pass or can be addressed, or is there something deeper that is causing the issue/feelings?

    What I understand from my husband is; he is attracted to me because he loves who I am and not because of what I look like. When we met I was a size 16/18, then we both gained and I was a plus size 24 and now I am a size 8. He has always touched me the same way, he does look at me at times with admiration, but when it comes to me physically he has never liked my shapely silhouette. Before I lost the weight he always thought my body would change after I got smaller (my hips, thighs, and bum would be smaller) but this is how my body is shaped. In our talks he has asked me if I would prefer if he was more concerned about the way my body looks instead of who I am to him, he also told me that if he did see me that way his attraction to me would change according to my weight and size or even if God forbid something should happen to me.

    So my response to what you said above would have to be a bit of a correction: I would take out the physical part (in the physical appearance) and not the sex part (getting physical), because after seeing someone everyday for years, the way they look just doesn't matter as much anymore. There are so many other things about that person that are deal breakers to most.

    There were times with my hubby that have been very confusing for me, he would be telling me what he doesn't like about my body and then trying to get some at the same time ((shaking head)).

    These talks about my body and the way I look have become more and more frequent after I lost the weight. It is because I just don't look the way he expected me to look, I understand and I still expect him to treat me like a queen. He is working on that now and I am working on effective way of remind him when he stumbles that he is stumbling and needs to get back on track.

    To the OP, replacing a husband is usually not a good answer. If you married him there mush have been a good reason you chose him over everyone else... Only you know what is best for you and your family and personally I believe that most things can be worked out with patience, gentle persistence, and compromise. Make sure to always have peace, joy, and happiness as your goals. They will help tailor your actions so with time those goals become your reality :)

    One more thing no matter what anyone tells you or thinks of you, do not ever let it effect how you feel about yourself! whether it is good or bad, you should always love and be proud of yourself. You are as sexy and beautiful as you think you are.
    To be sexy and beautiful are very funny things, they will always shine from within no matter how big or small you are!!
  • Caro1991
    Caro1991 Posts: 97
    "I told my husband to tell me if he ever physically lost interest in me and I will tell him if I lost physical attraction in him. Also, it's not always about looks, a change in personality can change how attractive someone is"

    Exacly what I was goin to say. I told my bf/bd to tell me as well. even tho am 30lbs hevier than when we firat got together he never complains... I think am the one who was making things bad since I kept calling myself fat and would be upset because my clothes didnt fit. I believe you can be loved even if he isnt attracted to you, but what good does it make if he wo.t even be next.to ... Is like saying hes ashame and dont want to be seen with you. You need to speak with and dont lose weight for him do it for yourself... I love and will always be attracted to my bf no matter what unless his personality changes to tge bad.

    Great point. I think women can make it worse by being insecure. Hollywood doesn't make it easier. Most men don't care about some extra pounds. Now 200lbs pounds overweight is a different story. But 30lbs is nothing. Just keep acting like you are sexy and he will think you're sexy.
    Your right... And I myself started having an open mind... Got my hair did, bought new clothes, I fix myself more(well like I use to before having my babies. I feel better.. I am sexy :)
  • Sapporo
    Sapporo Posts: 693 Member
    I think physical attraction and love go together. When I'm in love with somebody they get more attractive because of our feelings for each other. That would never go away, even if my husband were to gain 100lbs. I wouldn't really be in love with him if his weight caused me to not be attracted to him. He is like 30 heavier now than when we first met and just as hot as ever.
  • startingoveragain12
    startingoveragain12 Posts: 1
    Don't allow him to have any control over your well being! I am sympathetic and empathetic to how you must be feeling about this. However, if in fact he's telling you there's an issue for him, you should take it on board and look at it for what it is. Yes, I agree with the other posters that he should love you unconditionally however, we live in strange times where image often supercedes reality.

    I am in the same boat as you however, I'm no longer attracted to me anymore and I don't in the least, feel sexy right now. Just recently, my husband let me have it about my appearance - which hurt like hell. I have dealt with weight issues all my life - and he knows this - and thus I have been through it all...including Gastric Bypass Surgery 6 years ago. I lost 100 lbs and managed to have two children during the process too. I have in the past 2 years, gradually put back on 50-60 lbs. I didn't think that was possible after having the GBS but I'm finding that it's happening to many, many patients. I'm just sick that I allowed it to creep back on.

    So, moral of my post is: I took my husband's comments to heart - searched my soul - and decided that I won't let him win. Actually, my husband's harsh and rude comments were just the fuel I needed to re-kick start my weight loss. I found countless videos on youtube.com to spur me on - which is where I found this site. I have eliminated the junk food and 'bad' food from the house and guess what..? Since I'm the cook, he can only eat what I'm eating - poor *kitten* can stand to lose weight himself!! No more fancy breakfasts; he gets a whey protein shake instead - just like me. Lunch - brothy soup and some nuts or yogurt. Dinner -broiled fish or baked chicken, etc. No alcohol, no beer - his favorite (I won't buy it anymore so if he wants it, he can drag his lazy butt to the store and get it himself). When the alarm goes off in the morning, off goes the covers and on goes the light, time to excercize....tell me I fat and disgusting and you'll feel my wrath!!!!

    You can turn this around. Get your head in the right place and make the best decision for you, whether it's you losing the weight or you losing him....or both!

    All the best...Julie

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