men quick question

4 times since Sept. 2011? And he's 24? Sorry but I'd be filing divorce papers, not asking questions on MFP.

Tie him up or something. Something new. 4 times since September 2011 sounds...unhealthy.

if i am hurting him idk how. i mean we see each other in the morning and at night bc i work from 10:30-8 every day and work out from 8 am to 930 and again from 8pm to 9. i never ask him to clean or do house work, i never ask him to anything actually and thats not sugar coated. he says the only way i want to touch him is sexually?? which isnt true. he justdoesnt like being touched.

You said he had body issues, and then after you said this it made me think, maybe he wants you to start touching him non-sexually. He may not have shown much interest in the past, but to me, it sounds like you have a very busy schedule. With the addition of working out twice a day he may be feeling pushed out?

Insecurities can cause all sorts of problems in relationships, especially if one or both of you isn't communicating about what they truely need. He might not want to tell you want he wants, he might want you to start something, you to initiate some affection, love, communication without it involving sex.

How about you make some time in the evenings when you would usually workout. Not every night, and you can obviously still workout in the mornings, but just a few extra nights, to just spend time with him. Maybe you could arrange a date, go out and do all the things you used to before you got married and settled down. Spontaneous stuff. Show affection, if he doesn't accept it at the time, leave it, but don't get mad or start questioning him on the sex issue, just give it time.

Do you go to bed together or at different times? If it's different times, or you usually go quite late, why not make an early night. Spent time "spooning" as he says he enjoys. Make it about him and you want him to enjoy your company. Don't bring up the sex, just let it come naturally, even if it's not that first night. Just making the extra time to spend some 1 on 1 time with him, and being close in terms of friendship/romance/affection without the sexual stuff, may just make him feel more bodyconfident and less like your just on his case about the sex (sorry if that sounds harsh, I don't mean it to be!)

I know if it was me, and I just went through a time when I didn't want as much for whatever reason, them just trying to constantly find ways to have sex with me, or jumping to conclusions about own attractiveness and/or affairs, wouldn't really put me back in the mood!

Hope that helps somewhat, and you manage to resume a healthy love life

here:
http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2012/03/madonna-*kitten*-complex/all/1/
(if the psychology of this article is too hard for you to get through, skip to the last paragraph I copied here.)

Men – especially men who have little to no experience in sexual relationships – often have a hard time with the concept that women are sexual beings. Or, for that matter, that women enjoy – or even want – sex as much as men do. The belief that women aren’t sexual beings – or that only certain women are – leads to difficulty not only relating to their potential girlfriends and wives on a sexual level, but it can make it difficult for men to know when or how to escalate sexually. These men may be intimidated by the fact that she may be more sexually experienced than him, making him feel as though he is the inferior partner in the relationship.

Other men have a hard time relating to a woman for whom sexuality is an integrated part of her personality. The idea that men want “a lady in the street and a *kitten* in the bedroom” springs from this dichotomy. The sexual woman – the *kitten* – is for him and him alone and the woman shouldn’t give a single hint that this sexual side exists outside of his immediate control.

The division of female sexuality makes it difficult for many men to properly appreciate his partner as a fully sexual person. Many men have issues with the separation of sex from love. Love is to be reserved for the “good” girl, the one you bring home to mother… the girl who is “marriage material”. Sex, on the other hand, is reserved for the “bad” girl, the one who excites you, the one you can’t think of without feeling an erection growing almost uncontrollably. The one who wears sexual attraction like perfume. The “party girls”. The “hot” ones.
While these men can and do desire their partner, when they enter a certain stage of the relationship – exclusivity for some, marriage for others, fatherhood for still others – the switch between *kitten* and Madonna is flipped. They may still feel desire for their partner, but it’s desire leavened with restraint. It’s hard for these men to fantazise about their girlfriends or wives the way they think of the hot stranger at the end of the bar. Gone are the fantasies of slipping off to the bathroom in a crowded club for a *kitten* or a quickie in the changing rooms at Nordstrom. No more kinky, transgressive sex. “I can’t think of her that way,” they say. “She’s the mother of my children!”

Despite seeing his partner as the Madonna, the man still has sexual needs – ones that he “can’t” satisfy with his wife. As a result, his gaze begins to wander to the *kitten*; because he doesn’t see her as sacred and “pure”, he can fully enjoy the “debased” sex he craves. He sees sex as being something “dirty”, which he can’t possibly share with the Madonna; he respects her too much to subject her to his base desires.

It's an unfortunate fact that we can't change another person. We can only change ourselves. You might want to consider seeing a counselor about the problem. Eventually you will need to come to a decision about the state of the relationship. You will have to either accept things the way they are, or you will need to determine if you want to set a time limit and if things don't change get out of the marriage.

You mentioned he wants affection, cuddling, etc. that does not become sexual or does not have a sexual motive. Try to meet this very legitimate need, without talking about sex or questioning him about it. Just hug him, kiss his cheek, rub his arm in passing, sit beside him and hold hands or cuddle while watching tv.

After a few years, flirting with each other tends to disappear. So ask him questions about whatever he is interested in, laugh at his jokes, eye contact and a flirty smile. But don't make it a completely overt invitation to sex.



Another idea to consider that you don't have to respond to is perhaps he was molested or sexually abused as a child, and memories are resurfacing when you are intimate. It is a delicate topic, and if you don't know if that happened, an incredibly awkward question to bring up. Tread lightly.

When you talk to him next about this problem, don't discuss it right after you have tried to initiate, or when you are both tired. Emotions run high and it turns into an argument. Start it out with "honey, I want us to have a great marriage, but we need to be willing to work on it. Please help me." You can each list 3 things that could use improvement. No judging, no arguing. Two people will have two different lists of unmet needs. Neither is more or less a legitimate need than the other. The worst thing you could do is try to defend yourself or downplay the other person's list. Be open and commit to improving on each area, and most importantly, sincerely apologize for not addressing those needs earlier.

Try a regular doctor. It may be low testosterone levels.

I'm not a guy but I've been dealing with the same thing with my husband. I finally asked him and he just wasn't interested any more. I chalked that up to libido and increased his Zinc and his Testosterone with supplements and reduced the fat in his diet. Within 2 weeks !!! YIPPEE!!!!

Life is good.

I think it's about having the conversations, understanding the age and stage of life and knowing that there are solutions if you really are interested in making the marriage work.

Bump for later!!!

Is he playing World of Warcraft?