Stay at home parents- (kind of long)

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  • MissTattoo
    MissTattoo Posts: 1,203 Member
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    But if you work and send your child to daycare you are judged because someone else is "raising" your child. If you're a stay at home mom you're selfish and lazy. Everyone loses. Do what makes you happiest and what you think is best for your family.

    ^This!

    I was a SAHM for a year. I lived off of my savings and budgeted wisely. I was happy to be home the first year. After that, I needed to work. I needed money. I needed adult interaction. I needed to feel like I was dependent. It wasn't like I was rich and could live life on my savings account. I hate people who say, "Well I didn't have children for them to be raised by someone else." I just want to be like STFU you pretentious *kitten*. But I don't.

    Everyone has to make a choice on what's best for them. Sure! I could stay home and live off of welfare but hey! I'm staying home right?! Since I don't want to live off of the state, I'm working.
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
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    From a personal standpoint I would love to be a stay at home parent.....Spending every day with my kids and watching them grow........From a social aspect I am 100% sure that our kids going to daycare has been great for them and there are no regrets. I know I am generalizing but most kids with SAH parents are not as well socialized (there are exceptions I said most). Also recently we did kindergarten registration recently and of the sampling that we heard while we were there the kids not enrolled in school scored significantly lower than those in school.

    All that said what is your overall goal? Do you want to keep them home and home school them forever or will they go to public schools at 5? If public schools what is so different about years 1-5 as 5-18?

    Again....Just my opinions and they obviously differ from most posting in here......

    Great points. My son is 5 and started at Montessori School when he turned 2. School and education is extremely important and for me home school is not an option. I also think pre-school is key. The educational portion of my sons day ends at 3pm and they have after school care until 6pm if needed. For me, the option of being an at home parent will not mean keeping children home until school age. It will mean making sure I am readily available for dinner, homework time, extra-curriculars, school breaks, summer off etc. Truly, I never considered "staying home". The reality of the demands of my husbands future career are setting in and I am feeling adjustments will need to be made. Education, social activities and the like will always be a priority.
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
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    Just remember that whatever your choice, it doesn't have to be forever. I have lots of friends who have gone onto second careers after being moms at home, have jumped back into their original careers, have gone to school again for something totally different, whatever. IMHO, staying home with the kids if financially possible (and we do it and yes, it's painful sometimes from a financial standpoint) is best.

    True. I am certain I will decide to stay home for a few years, def when we get pregnant again. Nothing is permanent :)
  • Jenner22
    Jenner22 Posts: 94 Member
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    I'm lucky to be a stay at home mom. I wouldn't change it for the world. I know that being a stay at home parent isn't the right choice for many but for me it's great. I get the itch about twice a year to go out and get a real job but I never do.. due to our circumstances. It's really what you want to do. I know a lot of kids that benefit from going to a day care. If you don't want to be "stuck" and wait out seven years for your husband's schedule to slow down then I suggest you don't. Always remember this.. you can give it a try and if you feel that you want to work and get your masters you can always change your mind and set up something for your son =)
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
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    It is a VERY tough decision! I have just let my company know I won't be returning and it was really hard for me to do. On the one hand, you want what is best for your children and to know they are being looked after and getting the best life possible. On the other hand, you have worked so hard to get where you want career wise!

    What made it for me was my parents. I don't want to scare you, please don't think that this is how all families are but unfortunately both my parents had to work and I, and my siblings, got up to all kinds of mischief after school etc. because we were unsupervised or with someone who had no say in what we did. It is not my parents fault, they gave us the best life they could but I can't help but think how things would have been different had one of them been at home!

    The other thing about financial freedom was the biggest thing for me. In the end, we decided to each have spending money for the month, whatever is best for you, so for example you both get £100 for whatever you want like downloading movies or songs of iTunes, buying clothes, CDs etc. etc. that way I don't feel like I have to keep asking him every time I want to spend money. That also helps our relationship because he has the same amount and, while he NEVER would say this, he can't spend more money and then say he earns it so he can use it.

    At the end of the day though, it is entirely based on your circumstances. This works for us for the time being but in a few years when my little one is in nursery or whatever, I may want to return to work even if it is part time.

    Good luck with it and always remember that communication is key! If something is not working, you must talk to your partner about it as it can get tough from both parts. The stay at home parent may feel neglected because the working partner is away all day or all night and then might want to go out for drinks after work with a colleague even though you never get a break with the baby and the working partner might feel that the house is dirty or the dinner isn't made and don't understand what you do all day because they've never had to look after the baby 24/7

    Sorry for the essay lol - good luck with it xx

    Thanks for your response, I may have gotten into some mischief myself :) It is def a tough choice! My husband and I touched on some of the points you mentioned. We agreed that we will consolidate all of our accounts when he starts working whether I still have a career or not. We currently have some joint and separate accounts. Consolidating will mean I do not need to ask for spending money and we agree that the money is for the household, not the earning individual.
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
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    Well, my husband and I are both full time workers. It works well for us and we are lucky because he leaves pretty early and is home as soon as the kids get home most of the time. I am here in the morning before they leave and home pretty quickly after they are. I am a teacher, so I am home during the summer months, if we have snow days, Christmas and other breaks. Unfortunately, I am not in the same district and have to drive 20 min. each way but I am still here fairly soon.

    When my first was little, I worked nights so one of us was with him all the time. It didn't stay that way though and I wish we had been able to always work it out that way, but I went to school to finish my degree and feel that if I have to work out of the home, teaching is the best profession to have as a mom. My principal is extremely understanding if my kids are sick and I have to leave, and I love what I do, so....

    Would I have preferred to stay home year round, yep, but wasn't feasible for us. Good luck!

    I know teaching isn't for everyone, but as a parent I can't imagine a better career as far as hours are concerned!
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
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    I always find it kind of odd the question of to work or not to work. I asume you have a decent paying job or someone to watch your son for free. I have taken care of my stepson since he was 3 and worked up untill he was almost 7 when I had my other son. I worked from home though so it was a lot different. Me and my hubby decided that I would not work after I had my other son becasue its not finacialy reasonable. Daycare is expensive!! I am still going to college ( im 21) and any job I could get at this point would only cover childcare cost and gas to get to work. So there is no way I was going to work to have someone else watch my kid. I recently read an article about this that it cost more for moms to work than to stay home.

    That being said I still think its most important to be home for your kids. My mom used to work for my grandpa and she was alwasy home or I was at work with her. Then she had to get another job, the "freedom" i felt was unreal and i went buck wild and did a lot of things I regret that I know I wouldnt have had teh oportunity to do if she was there. I think that your kids would be best served if someone was there with them. The years go by FAST. a job can come and go, your kids are forever.

    as for finances as a dr it doesnt seem like yall will have an issue, but for us my husband works a rather medocre job as h is still in school to, and God always provides some way or another.

    Daycare is very expensive! Our son started pre-school when he was 2. He is 5 now and still attends the same school at the rate of $450 monthly. Cost of living in California is expensive and as my husband is a student racking up 6 figures in student loans, we have sacrificed in other areas to pay for our sons education. I have heard before that it costs more for some families to have 2 working parents than for one to stay home. I think parents make the right choice for their family, no right, no wrong.
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
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    I have been a SAHM for the past 9 years. Our kids are 8 and 5. We refused to put our kids in day care. We cut out every possible extra expense so I could stay at home with them. This fall my son will be in kindergarten and I will try to find a job that allows me to have time to take them to school and pick them up on time. If I cant find one then I will continue to be a SAHM but will always be looking for something that will work around my schedule. Luckily my hubs is a mechanic so as far as vehicles go, we will never have a problem. I drive a 92 Chevy Beretta (2nd owner) that just rolled over 200K miles and runs like its new!

    I hope you are able to find a job that suits your needs. I think that is the concern. There are not a lot of jobs that align with children's school schedules. Certainly when it pertains to school holidays and summer breaks. For us, we did choose pre-school at a fairly young age for our son, but since I worked his days were much longer than I would have liked to start. He is doing well though, so I have no regrets there. Good luck in your search!
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
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    I have all the opportunity in the world to do career stuff once they are in school full time. I would reccomend a good support system, and play groups... You really do not realize how much you miss adult interaction until you are talking to a baby for most of your waking hours LOL I

    Ha! Noted!
  • cufirst84
    cufirst84 Posts: 127 Member
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    I stayed home with our 2 boys for the first 8yrs...and i wouldnt have changed it for anything. I couldn't picture myself listening to a babysitter or daycare telling me what great milestone my child had reached and i missed it by punching the clock! My husband and i figured ways out on one income... just dont live beyond your needs !!!! For the most part we did pretty good, we moved into a larger home added 2 dogs, had some reno's done on the house & traded in our trucks to up grade.
    Your Certification or diploma will always be there to recert or upgrade in the future....but your child will grow up and those years will pass so fast right under your nose.
  • missym357
    missym357 Posts: 210 Member
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    This was a really hard one for me as I was very education/career focused and then got pregnant unexpectedly. I got accepted to vet school (something I had worked hard for) when my son was 3 months old. I ultimately let it go. Having children changes everything. I will admit I was a little mad at the world because the message I had gotten was that I could do anything I set my mind to but then I faced a harsh reality that I could not actually do it all- not at the same time at least. Some women can have it all, all at once, but I learned that I am not one of those women. There is a price to be paid and the answer lies in how important all of the different pulls in life are to you. I don't mean that to say that my answer was the right one for everyone, it was the right one for me though.

    The negative side? It puts a person in a vulnerable position to not be gaining work experience. That is a very real issue and one that is not to be taken lightly.
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
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    I stayed home with our 2 boys for the first 8yrs...and i wouldnt have changed it for anything. I couldn't picture myself listening to a babysitter or daycare telling me what great milestone my child had reached and i missed it by punching the clock! My husband and i figured ways out on one income... just dont live beyond your needs !!!! For the most part we did pretty good, we moved into a larger home added 2 dogs, had some reno's done on the house & traded in our trucks to up grade.
    Your Certification or diploma will always be there to recert or upgrade in the future....but your child will grow up and those years will pass so fast right under your nose.

    It's true, goes so fast! And if I decide to stay home, I can further my education/career later!
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
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    Awesome responses, thank you! Everyone has valid points. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, each family/parent decides what will be best for them. I am really happy to read all the input here, some great food for thought.

    Time will tell! I know I will be working for at the very least the next 2 years so there is plenty of time to decide. Before a week ago, I never even imagined considering staying home; I always pictured an office with a view ;)
  • Jacwhite22
    Jacwhite22 Posts: 7,012 Member
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    Damn...that's not so bad...we pay 450/week for two
    I always find it kind of odd the question of to work or not to work. I asume you have a decent paying job or someone to watch your son for free. I have taken care of my stepson since he was 3 and worked up untill he was almost 7 when I had my other son. I worked from home though so it was a lot different. Me and my hubby decided that I would not work after I had my other son becasue its not finacialy reasonable. Daycare is expensive!! I am still going to college ( im 21) and any job I could get at this point would only cover childcare cost and gas to get to work. So there is no way I was going to work to have someone else watch my kid. I recently read an article about this that it cost more for moms to work than to stay home.

    That being said I still think its most important to be home for your kids. My mom used to work for my grandpa and she was alwasy home or I was at work with her. Then she had to get another job, the "freedom" i felt was unreal and i went buck wild and did a lot of things I regret that I know I wouldnt have had teh oportunity to do if she was there. I think that your kids would be best served if someone was there with them. The years go by FAST. a job can come and go, your kids are forever.

    as for finances as a dr it doesnt seem like yall will have an issue, but for us my husband works a rather medocre job as h is still in school to, and God always provides some way or another.

    Daycare is very expensive! Our son started pre-school when he was 2. He is 5 now and still attends the same school at the rate of $450 monthly. Cost of living in California is expensive and as my husband is a student racking up 6 figures in student loans, we have sacrificed in other areas to pay for our sons education. I have heard before that it costs more for some families to have 2 working parents than for one to stay home. I think parents make the right choice for their family, no right, no wrong.
  • JanetLM73
    JanetLM73 Posts: 1,277 Member
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    I've done both, I'm a SAHM right now because I lost my job and I go to school part time. It's great right now because my daughter is 5 and only goes to school for 2.5 hours a day. My son is 13 so he's in full time, but once my daughter starts full time in september I'm going to look for something. I miss the interaction with adults.

    You have to decide what's best for your family. But to be honest, I love spending the time one on one with my daughter, I know she loves it as well.
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
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    This was a really hard one for me as I was very education/career focused and then got pregnant unexpectedly. I got accepted to vet school (something I had worked hard for) when my son was 3 months old. I ultimately let it go. Having children changes everything. I will admit I was a little mad at the world because the message I had gotten was that I could do anything I set my mind to but then I faced a harsh reality that I could not actually do it all- not at the same time at least. Some women can have it all, all at once, but I learned that I am not one of those women. There is a price to be paid and the answer lies in how important all of the different pulls in life are to you. I don't mean that to say that my answer was the right one for everyone, it was the right one for me though.

    The negative side? It puts a person in a vulnerable position to not be gaining work experience. That is a very real issue and one that is not to be taken lightly.

    Very well put. I agree that parents who decide to stay home can be put in a compromising position if they ever decide to return to the workforce. My aunt experienced this when her girls went off to college, she simply could not find a well paying or rewarding job. Having children does change everything. I enjoy working and parenting right now but I am not sure I will feel the same when my husbands availability is limited by his career. I have also worked hard on my education and career, admittedly, it seems a bit scary to walk away from it.
  • ccckwalk
    ccckwalk Posts: 262
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    It is a hard question for every couple. I am a stay at home mom with a Bachelor's degree. I have been a stay at home mom for 6 years now. Our oldest is 6 and we have a two year old. I am currently going back to school. My goal is to be finished by the time my youngest is in Kindergarten. I am not going to lie and say it has been easy peasy, there have been times of hardship, but money is not everything and kids only grow up once. Everyone has to make their own minds, but I say go for your masters, when you get pregnant that doesn't mean you have to stop schooling. My kids get to see me work hard for what I want and be a momma which isn't easy all the time but every sacrifice I have made for my family has been worth every penny! :)
    Good luck!! You guys will decided which is best for you!!!
    ~Corina
  • charlybu
    charlybu Posts: 47 Member
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    Stay at home! It's really hard at first. I remember waiting for my husband to come home like a puppy waiting for it's walk. Let me out! Lol! It takes some major adjustments for both you and your husband, but it's worth it. It took me about 2 years to really be comfortable with it. I also homeschool and we love it. The Master's degree will always be there and you'll have plenty of time after the kids grow up. You have to learn how to say no when you stay at home, but that's not actually a bad thing. Your kids will thank you for it.
  • smte
    smte Posts: 95 Member
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    I am a SAHM and have been for the last 8 yrs. I had a degree, had a good job, ect. Even before we had children, my husband and I agreed that I would work part time. I figured this was the best of both worlds! After my daughter was born, I went back to work part-time after my maternity leave. I was fortunate enough to have my sister watch my baby, I would've never been able to put in her daycare. It was still so hard. I hated calling my sister during the day to see how my baby was - that should be my job, taking care of my own child. After 3 months of part time work, I quit and have stayed home ever since. I feel that work and/or career will always be there, but your child growing up & their milestones will not.

    I am lucky enough to do some work from home which brings in a little bit of income. My husband and never made me feel like it's his money, it's ours. Some days are rough and I'm exhausted by the end of the day (I three daughters & a baby on the way), but I wouldnt change it for the world. My mom stayed home w/ me and my siblings & I always felt so lucky. Even something like being sick at school, I knew my mom was at home and could come get me from the nurses office. Other kids were not so lucky.

    Good luck w/ your decision, it can be a tough one.
  • iam_thatdude
    iam_thatdude Posts: 1,279 Member
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    I know im gonna get flamed on this, BUT....its funny to me how many moms say that once the kids get into school they wan tto get a job so "they have something for me"....as a man that just seems ridiculous. Id love to have a job thats for me, but unfortunately I have a job that pays bills.

    I know (I hope) you all mean it differently, but just giving you the insight of most men (at the Men Meeting of 2011 held in Vegas, I was voted to speak for all men)

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