Stay at home parents- (kind of long)

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  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
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    Damn...that's not so bad...we pay 450/week for two

    Geeze! For Kindergarten you said right?? So far we are thrilled with our sons education. He turned 5 in November and is at a "1st grade readiness" level of learning. We started him young. However, if we weren't happy with his education I would probably be willing to take out a second mortgage lol. You are paying a year of college tuition. Did you ever imagine your your children's education costing so much? I do think it is so important though and well worth it.
  • Rosa1213
    Rosa1213 Posts: 456 Member
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    Well, my mother was a stay-at-home-mom until both my brother and I were in school (kindergarten), and then she went back to work. She'd get off work, come pick us up at school, and we'd all go about our business.

    It seems to have worked out well for her, because obviously she loves us, but also wanted to further her career.

    I think about it like this: You can only have kids during a short period in your life (~15 years), but you can continue going to school and advancing your career at any point.

    I guess my point is:
    Going to university can be postponed 4 or 5 years. Being 30 years old cannot.
  • mfp_junkie
    mfp_junkie Posts: 359
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    My wife and I decided before our son was born almost 12 years ago, that we would only have kids if my wife could stay home. We have structured our expenses, including the house we bought, cars we drive, vacations we take, to ensure we can do it on just my salary. I have been very fortunate to have a well paying job the past several years, but there are still sacrifices, for sure.

    Today, my wife picked up my son at school for lunch, and they went out together. She does that every last Wednesday of the month, a tradition that I think is absolutely awesome, and one he will remember as time he got to spend with Mom.

    No question on money - it's all ours. One bank account, discussions about any purchase beyond gas and groceries, and equal consideration for setting financial priorities. We have never had a disagreement about money.

    If you can swing it, stay at home with your kids. They will never forget.
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
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    I know im gonna get flamed on this, BUT....its funny to me how many moms say that once the kids get into school they wan tto get a job so "they have something for me"....as a man that just seems ridiculous. Id love to have a job thats for me, but unfortunately I have a job that pays bills.

    I know (I hope) you all mean it differently, but just giving you the insight of most men (at the Men Meeting of 2011 held in Vegas, I was voted to speak for all men)

    Nah, you wont get flamed. Not by me anyways. I can def see your point, we work to earn money and if we all had trust funds, lets face it, we prob wouldn't work (unless the stipulations of our trust funds said we had to!)

    I think the point (and I have a feeling that you know this) is that women don't want to feel as though their intellect and ambition as a person other than a mother and wife is "wasted". I don't think it has to come from a job, but it is important to maintain a sense of self.

    I have not been voted on to speak for all women but I think this is what is meant (I don't know because I currently have a career, so I don't know the feeling, yet).
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
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    My wife and I decided before our son was born almost 12 years ago, that we would only have kids if my wife could stay home. We have structured our expenses, including the house we bought, cars we drive, vacations we take, to ensure we can do it on just my salary. I have been very fortunate to have a well paying job the past several years, but there are still sacrifices, for sure.

    Today, my wife picked up my son at school for lunch, and they went out together. She does that every last Wednesday of the month, a tradition that I think is absolutely awesome, and one he will remember as time he got to spend with Mom.

    No question on money - it's all ours. One bank account, discussions about any purchase beyond gas and groceries, and equal consideration for setting financial priorities. We have never had a disagreement about money.

    If you can swing it, stay at home with your kids. They will never forget.

    I love their Wednesday lunch tradition! So awesome. Thanks for your response. I will say that even though my mom worked, the special things she did with just me when she could are what I remember.
  • ki4yxo
    ki4yxo Posts: 709 Member
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    Another stay at home Dad here. We decided that one of us
    would stay home with our son when my wife got pregnant.


    Before she had our son, she got her license (RN/BSN) then
    went on to become the bread winner. Up until that point, I made
    the money, had us fully covered with medical and dental. We
    have always said that the money in the bank was ours, so no
    problems there. I still manage fit side jobs in here and there.

    I home school our son, and have him on the same schedule
    as the other kids in the neighborhood. Our son is seven now,
    and my wife is due with another boy in September. I've done
    most of the diaper changes, and it sucks when they have a
    blow out. I've literally had to cut him out of a onesie to keep
    it from getting all over him, and me!

    It would be nice to have a bigger house, and nicer vehicles
    (except the Jeep!) but we manage to make things happen.
    Instead of staying in fancy hotels, we go camping.


    I have to hand it to all the SAHMs on here! I know how overwhelming
    things can get at home! :drinker:
  • iam_thatdude
    iam_thatdude Posts: 1,279 Member
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    I know im gonna get flamed on this, BUT....its funny to me how many moms say that once the kids get into school they wan tto get a job so "they have something for me"....as a man that just seems ridiculous. Id love to have a job thats for me, but unfortunately I have a job that pays bills.

    I know (I hope) you all mean it differently, but just giving you the insight of most men (at the Men Meeting of 2011 held in Vegas, I was voted to speak for all men)

    Nah, you wont get flamed. Not by me anyways. I can def see your point, we work to earn money and if we all had trust funds, lets face it, we prob wouldn't work (unless the stipulations of our trust funds said we had to!)

    I think the point (and I have a feeling that you know this) is that women don't want to feel as though their intellect and ambition as a person other than a mother and wife is "wasted". I don't think it has to come from a job, but it is important to maintain a sense of self.

    I have not been voted on to speak for all women but I think this is what is meant (I don't know because I currently have a career, so I don't know the feeling, yet).

    I appreciate your nuanced response. I think the problem us men have is that women think of the job as something for "them"...I wish we had that luxury.

    Also, why does a woman have to feel that their knowledge and intellect is being wasted at home? SAHM are the CFO, CTO and COO rolled into one.
  • ishallnotwant
    ishallnotwant Posts: 1,210 Member
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    Wow, thank you so much for your responses!!

    As a female member of "Generation Y" I have always felt the pressure to do everything and do it successfully; education, career, marriage and parenting. In my personal life, I know very few woman my age who stay home with their children.

    Even though both my parents worked, my dad had more flexible hours and I always loved that he was home for dinner and would be at my sporting events. My mom did when she could, but she worked later hours and I missed her. I do not resent her though, she regrets her limited time but I am proud of her achievements. In my heart, I know I want to be present for my family or I may regret it too. I do not think there is a wrong way, we are all products of our experiences. My mom's mom stayed home and my mom probably thought, "hey, I want more!".


    I would consider myself a success at parenting. We sacrifice financially so that I can stay home with the kids. Exactly what part of that is unsuccessful?

    We can't have it all. You can't work 60 hours a week and expect to be there for your child as well. Make your choice. Something will always suffer, you are only one person. I think the worst thing "feminism" ever did was devalue the role of being a mother.

    I agree with this so, so much. I wish I could use words to actually put into writing how I felt when reading this. Truer words were never spoken.
  • Rosa1213
    Rosa1213 Posts: 456 Member
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    This was a really hard one for me as I was very education/career focused and then got pregnant unexpectedly. I got accepted to vet school (something I had worked hard for) when my son was 3 months old. I ultimately let it go. Having children changes everything. I will admit I was a little mad at the world because the message I had gotten was that I could do anything I set my mind to but then I faced a harsh reality that I could not actually do it all- not at the same time at least. Some women can have it all, all at once, but I learned that I am not one of those women. There is a price to be paid and the answer lies in how important all of the different pulls in life are to you. I don't mean that to say that my answer was the right one for everyone, it was the right one for me though.

    The negative side? It puts a person in a vulnerable position to not be gaining work experience. That is a very real issue and one that is not to be taken lightly.

    Oh man, that sounds like a difficult situation you were in..
    I hope to go to vet school someday, and I think that if anything were to take that away from me, I'd be devastated.
  • hazelsmrf
    hazelsmrf Posts: 96 Member
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    We have 1 year of maternity leave here so I stayed home for the first year of my daughter's life, and then I returned to work. A few years later I had my son, and again had a year of maternity leave. At the end of THAT, we decided that I would stay home. There were several factors in our decision... my shifts at work were rotating shifts (days, evenings, nights, weekends...) and it was getting more and more difficult to do that with small children. Also, daycare, picking hte kids up, dropping them off etc... it was difficult when I couldn't be there all the time and he'd sometimes have to work late.

    So I stayed home. And it's been difficult... I love my children but I think I'm one of those who isn't the greatest stay at home mom. I am not the most patient with them, and sometimes I need to just shove them in front of the TV for my own sanity. Thankfully they love Dora :P I now work from home AND am a stay at home mother, which is difficult, but at least I enjoy having my own career path again... this time in graphic design. It's something I never would have tried if I hadn't let go of my previous position to stay home, and that's been great... I'm almost up to a full time salary for working part time hours at home, so I'm happy! But I am still debating putting my son into daycare a few days a week next year after my daughter starts Kindergarten.

    As for money, I now contribute to our finances but before then, I didn't feel weird at ALL having my husband be the sole provider. I handled the budget, I told him what he could spend, I paid each of us a small "allowance" to spend on junk and the rest went where it needed to go. He had a job, and I had a job (to watch our children!). It was always family money. It's still all family money. We still decide together before making large purchases.
  • ishallnotwant
    ishallnotwant Posts: 1,210 Member
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    I would consider myself a success at parenting. We sacrifice financially so that I can stay home with the kids. Exactly what part of that is unsuccessful?

    We can't have it all. You can't work 60 hours a week and expect to be there for your child as well. Make your choice. Something will always suffer, you are only one person. I think the worst thing "feminism" ever did was devalue the role of being a mother.




    I wouldn't call it unsuccessful at all! Parenting is a difficult and rewarding job. My point was that I think it is hard that we are expected to do so much that we could never really give 100% in every area. We have to sacrifice somewhere. And I agree about the "feminism" thing. I told my husband that of chivalry really is dead, women killed it!

    Ain't that the truth! :flowerforyou:
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
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    Another stay at home Dad here. We decided that one of us
    would stay home with our son when my wife got pregnant.


    Before she had our son, she got her license (RN/BSN) then
    went on to become the bread winner. Up until that point, I made
    the money, had us fully covered with medical and dental. We
    have always said that the money in the bank was ours, so no
    problems there. I still manage fit side jobs in here and there.

    I home school our son, and have him on the same schedule
    as the other kids in the neighborhood. Our son is seven now,
    and my wife is due with another boy in September. I've done
    most of the diaper changes, and it sucks when they have a
    blow out. I've literally had to cut him out of a onesie to keep
    it from getting all over him, and me!

    It would be nice to have a bigger house, and nicer vehicles
    (except the Jeep!) but we manage to make things happen.
    Instead of staying in fancy hotels, we go camping.


    I have to hand it to all the SAHMs on here! I know how overwhelming
    things can get at home! :drinker:

    Ha! Blow outs, I remember those days! Thanks for your response. We make similar sacrifices...who am I kidding, we like camping more than fancy hotels. I think they make my husband uncomfortable, dress clothes make him break out in hives ;).
  • raw14
    raw14 Posts: 22
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    You will never regret the time you spend with your children. I will say it was an adjustment going from working to staying at home because society in general sometimes makes it feel less important. However, I completely feel that the most important job is being a parent and building a relationship with your children. There are so many moments in my day with my kids that I know if I was working I would have missed out on and I have learned to embrasses them.

    As far as finances. If you have a true partner in life the money should be considered Both of yours. My husband may bring home the paycheck, but I work twice as hard at home and we have never considered our money his or mine, but ours.

    No one can tell you what is right for your family or your relationship. Do what you feel is right and own it.
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
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    We have 1 year of maternity leave here so I stayed home for the first year of my daughter's life, and then I returned to work. A few years later I had my son, and again had a year of maternity leave. At the end of THAT, we decided that I would stay home. There were several factors in our decision... my shifts at work were rotating shifts (days, evenings, nights, weekends...) and it was getting more and more difficult to do that with small children. Also, daycare, picking hte kids up, dropping them off etc... it was difficult when I couldn't be there all the time and he'd sometimes have to work late.

    Thanks for your response. Awesome about your new career path! Seems to have worked out well. My major concern is the same, my husband will not have normal 9-5 hours which will make things difficult if we both work. I know people do it successfully all of the time, just not sure it will work for us.
  • taylmarie
    taylmarie Posts: 161
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    I have decided to quit my job so I can make sure I give you all the responses you deserve ;). Seriously, I love the input!
  • Chubbyhulagirl
    Chubbyhulagirl Posts: 374 Member
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    "No amount of success at work can make up for your failures at home."

    My fiance and I have three kids. Ive been a SAHM and he is currently a SAHF. We try to live by this quote.
    Good luck!
  • nbingham
    nbingham Posts: 102 Member
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    I'm going to add this one thing for you to think about. In the end of your life, when you're old, sick and on your deathbed, will you look back on your life and say, "Gee, I wish I worked more."?

    If you have the opportunity to stay at home with your kids, I believe you should take it. Can any job compensate you for time lost with them? I'm expecting a baby boy right now, and since we can't afford to be a one income household, I'm working on getting my Enrolled Agent certification so I can work out of my house and have a more flexible schedule. I don't want some day care provider coming up to me at the end of my work day saying, "Oh little Danny said his first word today!" or "Danny took his first steps today!". That should be me or his dad seeing that. You know what I mean?
  • ki4yxo
    ki4yxo Posts: 709 Member
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    Ha! Blow outs, I remember those days! Thanks for your response. We make similar sacrifices...who am I kidding, we like camping more than fancy hotels. I think they make my husband uncomfortable, dress clothes make him break out in hives ;).



    I just recently started wearing long pants. (jeans)
    That's only because I finally got another street bike!
    A birthday present from my wife for my 40th.

    Yeah, I hate dressing up. Especially living down in
    the South, where it's hot and humid. I wear shorts
    year round. :laugh:
  • cmaxmor
    cmaxmor Posts: 231 Member
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    I've been home for the last couple of years and will be for the next several, too. I tried to go back last year and only made it a month and a half. I just couldn't justify leaving my kids in somone elses care for 9 hours a day. It was dumb. But then, after paying for daycare and afterschool and everything I was only making about $300/ month. Wasn't worth it.
    You will make the decision that is right for you when the time comes.
  • ishallnotwant
    ishallnotwant Posts: 1,210 Member
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    I'm going to add this one thing for you to think about. In the end of your life, when you're old, sick and on your deathbed, will you look back on your life and say, "Gee, I wish I worked more."?

    If you have the opportunity to stay at home with your kids, I believe you should take it. Can any job compensate you for time lost with them? I'm expecting a baby boy right now, and since we can't afford to be a one income household, I'm working on getting my Enrolled Agent certification so I can work out of my house and have a more flexible schedule. I don't want some day care provider coming up to me at the end of my work day saying, "Oh little Danny said his first word today!" or "Danny took his first steps today!". That should be me or his dad seeing that. You know what I mean?

    Ditto this...when my son was a toddler/preschooler he was in daycare from sun up until sun down while I went to college full time and worked real estate. I was able to spend about the last year or so before kinder at home with him and it was so much fun, but when I walked him to his kinder class that first day of school and thought about everything I had missed, it was heartbreaking. I promised myself I wouldn't do it again.

    I have 5 children, ages 7 to 17. I have been a SAHM since 2000 and I haven't regretted it once. It has been difficult financially at times but I am here for my kids. I get to drop everything and have tea parties with my little girls. If my son is having trouble at school I can schedule a meeting or just "pop in". When my 16 year old was having trouble in school, I was able to pull her out and enroll her in an independent study program to help her catch up on her credits, and I am home each day to help her with her work-now she's 17 and scheduled to graduate in June. The elementary staff knows me by name, and they welcome me on campus. Currently i'm training with my little girls and the rest of 4th, 5th and 6th graders for a track meet. I am able to go to the school and get out on the field and run with them and just enjoy encouraging my little girls as they train. Instead of hearing about it after work, I get to be a part of it. I was room mom for all my girls' classes two years in a row, and got to bring in goodies for the parties, set them up, and stay for the party with my kids. I get to see what is going on at the school by being there. I can drop everything for my husband's lunch break and pack a picnic lunch, show up and take him to a park and we can just hang out together enjoying a nice meal and each others' company before I take him back to work.

    My job *is* my husband, kids, family, household. If I want to start dinner at noon and make homemade yeast rolls to go with it, I can. My husband works outside of the home and my job is inside of the home, and I am absolutely grateful that I have a husband who supports me in doing this. I love that I can be there for my family pretty much whenever they need me, and I hope one day they will look back and appreciate all of the love, time, effort, and hard work I put into caring for them. I have worked outside of the home and I never felt anywhere near as happy as I do staying home.

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