women doing the "work" while men stand around?
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I wouldn't have complained about it at all if my husband helped with the dishes or anything at all for that matter!
Sounds like you need a break. Maybe you do all the stuff around the house so much that he just figures that you're going to do it. I'd start delegating, ie, "Honey, I need you to mow the lawn next Saturday. I have blah blah and blah to do. Thanks."
Ha! I will try it again! When I do that, I hear "I will get it tomorrow" so I end up doing it anyway. But thanks for the input!0 -
The original post and question seems to be more about perceptions of other people than it is about anything else. No matter what issue is at hand, I have learned that what other people think is the last of my concerns. If people want to look at me oddly, shoot me dirty looks, or any other gesture because they think they are experts on my life and my choices simply by looking at me, then they are free to amuse themselves. I have better things to do.0
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So you were struggling and your husband decided it best not to help? Last time I checked it was respectful to offer assistance to a woman, especially if she is physically struggling. And yes, it is common courtesy to hold the door open for NOT ONLY WOMEN, but men. I am sorry you don't like to be respected.
That's not at all what I said and I think you may have read my post wrong or maybe I wasn't clear. He originally wanted to have the cart and everything, but I said I would do it. As I said in the post he always opens doors for me and carries things and is very gentlemanly. It just so happened that I didn't get to work out that day so I was using our shopping trip as a chance to get in a little more exercise
The post was more to see what other people thought if they were to witness a situation like that or if other people had experienced dirty looks and shaking heads if they had tried to do something similar because others assumed that the male was being rude when he really wasn't
Oh, are you actually expecting people to read the original post before they flap away firing a response? That does not seem to be the norm here.0 -
On the other hand I kind of enjoy doing the heavy lifting because I'm a petite person and it really throws people off! :laugh:
EDITED TO ADD: My favourite is when a man says "Oh, let me take that for you" and then staggers or drops it because it hadn't occurred to him that it might be heavy. Last time was at a builders merchants with a bag of gravel, fortunately it didn't split when he dropped it. What did he think it was, special women's gravel made of feathers and fluff?0 -
Not that women aren't capable of doing any heavy lifting, but men are built for that kind of thing. We women carry enough on our shoulders through life...the least we can do is let the men carry the heavy loads for us when shopping...lol0
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The other day my husband and I were at home depot getting some supplies for the house/garden. I insisted on pushing the flatbed cart carrying all our lumber and soil around the store and then loading/unloading it into our truck....just to get a little bit of extra exercise in. Similarly at work, I tend to carry the large buckets of seawater from room to room instead of putting them on a cart. I realize this isn't much, but I figure every little bit helps. Additionally I'm stubborn and also well aware that I am able to do these things, so I don't see a need to have someone else do them for me.
The problem is that we definitely live in an area where women are treated as such: I've been called ma'am for at least 5 years now and I've never opened my own car door when my husband is around, let alone a door to a store when any male is present. So when I'm pushing around this heavy cart and obviously struggling and my husband is leisurely strolling ahead of me, we tend to get some dirty looks. My boss even scolded a male coworker for having me do all the heavy lifting one day, even though I insisted on it. These people giving us these looks or shaking their heads at us obviously don't know whats going on and just think my husband is being a jerk.
Curious if anyone else does this type of thing or experienced it? Or alternatively, if you saw one of the situations described above would you think the guy was being inconsiderate, or would you think something else (the woman didn't want someone doing things for her or she was trying to exercise)
Um, ma'am is just a sign of respect. I can't see how that's bad.
I know some people don't like it because it makes them feel old. "Ma'am is my mother." (Similarly, I know a lot of guys that don't like being called "sir" for the same reason - "Sir is my father.")
Well..... Get over it, it doesn't mean you're old. Like I said, it's a sign of respect. What are we supposed to say "yes lady"??
Exactly.0 -
Yeah, if I have cash in my wallet and my husband doesn't when we go to buy something little I hand him the cash to pay so we don't get dirty looks. I remember shortly after telling my boss I was pregnant we moved offices. They got my filing cabinet mixed up with someone elses. So I pushed their cabinet to their desk and started pushing mine back and he flipped. In all fairness, moving furniture was not my job and I could have got in trouble with the people that have the contract to move furniture but I wasn't waiting 6 hours or up to 3 days to get my cabinet moved 20 meters. But it was about me being pregnant, not about whose job it was to move the cabinet.0
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Have you husband dress as a woman........................that should solve it.
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Yeah, I'm sure the lesbian thing is much more tolerated in the south.0 -
Have you husband dress as a woman........................that should solve it.
A.C.E. Certified Personal & Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Yeah, I'm sure the lesbian thing is much more tolerated in the south.
Not in North carolina, where you can legally marry your 16 year old first cousin, but two gay people can't get married.!
lol0 -
The other day my husband and I were at home depot getting some supplies for the house/garden. I insisted on pushing the flatbed cart carrying all our lumber and soil around the store and then loading/unloading it into our truck....just to get a little bit of extra exercise in. Similarly at work, I tend to carry the large buckets of seawater from room to room instead of putting them on a cart. I realize this isn't much, but I figure every little bit helps. Additionally I'm stubborn and also well aware that I am able to do these things, so I don't see a need to have someone else do them for me.
The problem is that we definitely live in an area where women are treated as such: I've been called ma'am for at least 5 years now and I've never opened my own car door when my husband is around, let alone a door to a store when any male is present. So when I'm pushing around this heavy cart and obviously struggling and my husband is leisurely strolling ahead of me, we tend to get some dirty looks. My boss even scolded a male coworker for having me do all the heavy lifting one day, even though I insisted on it. These people giving us these looks or shaking their heads at us obviously don't know whats going on and just think my husband is being a jerk.
Curious if anyone else does this type of thing or experienced it? Or alternatively, if you saw one of the situations described above would you think the guy was being inconsiderate, or would you think something else (the woman didn't want someone doing things for her or she was trying to exercise)
Um, ma'am is just a sign of respect. I can't see how that's bad.
I know some people don't like it because it makes them feel old. "Ma'am is my mother." (Similarly, I know a lot of guys that don't like being called "sir" for the same reason - "Sir is my father.")
Well..... Get over it, it doesn't mean you're old. Like I said, it's a sign of respect. What are we supposed to say "yes lady"??
Exactly.
In most cases I've experienced, simply dropping off the "sir" or "ma'am" is sufficient, because the interactions are more or less between equals. "Have a nice day," vs "have a nice day, sir." I tend to get a little disconcerted when someone calls me "ma'am," but for me, it's mainly because not everyone around here says it. I get over it because I'm generally the "call me what you want" type of person.
That's one of the things I like about languages like Japanese. You have those politeness words (titles?), but you have them for just about every position -- not just a "sir"/"ma'am" equivalent (which generally have a connotation as the "sir" or "ma'am" being in a position of superiority, such as an age difference), but also for addressing an equal.0 -
On the other hand I kind of enjoy doing the heavy lifting because I'm a petite person and it really throws people off! :laugh:
EDITED TO ADD: My favourite is when a man says "Oh, let me take that for you" and then staggers or drops it because it hadn't occurred to him that it might be heavy. Last time was at a builders merchants with a bag of gravel, fortunately it didn't split when he dropped it. What did he think it was, special women's gravel made of feathers and fluff?
I don't think it's about getting hurt (yes, it would suck if the bag had landed on his foot), but rather that his peacocking is coming back to bite him and he realizes that yes, it is heavy, and yes, she can pick it up and carry it more easily than he can.0 -
On the other hand I kind of enjoy doing the heavy lifting because I'm a petite person and it really throws people off! :laugh:
EDITED TO ADD: My favourite is when a man says "Oh, let me take that for you" and then staggers or drops it because it hadn't occurred to him that it might be heavy. Last time was at a builders merchants with a bag of gravel, fortunately it didn't split when he dropped it. What did he think it was, special women's gravel made of feathers and fluff?
I don't think it's about getting hurt (yes, it would suck if the bag had landed on his foot), but rather that his peacocking is coming back to bite him and he realizes that yes, it is heavy, and yes, she can pick it up and carry it more easily than he can.
Nonetheless, I prefer peacocking to men who are total drips. Men are stronger - this is usually one of the things that makes them attractive to women.0 -
On the other hand I kind of enjoy doing the heavy lifting because I'm a petite person and it really throws people off! :laugh:
EDITED TO ADD: My favourite is when a man says "Oh, let me take that for you" and then staggers or drops it because it hadn't occurred to him that it might be heavy. Last time was at a builders merchants with a bag of gravel, fortunately it didn't split when he dropped it. What did he think it was, special women's gravel made of feathers and fluff?
I don't think it's about getting hurt (yes, it would suck if the bag had landed on his foot), but rather that his peacocking is coming back to bite him and he realizes that yes, it is heavy, and yes, she can pick it up and carry it more easily than he can.
Nonetheless, I prefer peacocking to men who are total drips. Men are stronger - this is usually one of the things that makes them attractive to women.
There's a difference between peacocking and trying to be polite. It's one thing to ask "would you like some help with that?" (which, assuming neutral tone, conveys acknowledgement that the person might be, or appears to be, struggling and may appreciate some assistance). It's another to say "let me get that for you" (which can more likely convey that the person being addressed is not capable of doing the task). Additionally, it's generally peacocking when they try to toss something around as if it's not heavy, only to find out the hard way that yes, it is, in fact, heavy, and does require effort on their part (thus deflating the "look how strong I am!" ruse). It's not always bad for someone to get knocked down a peg or two (in my opinion, at least).0 -
I usually do most of the heavy lifting in my house, main reason is I'm 5'-10 230 lbs, and my wife is 5' 140, so generally its easier for me to do that lifting. I also like helping my wife out, and if something is difficult, I like helping her out. I don't like to watch my wife struggle or strain with something. I don't have any motive, other than the comfort of my wife. By all means if she insists on doing something I'm not going to stop her, but I just naturally do this. I also hold open doors for her, but I also hold open doors for everyone, its more of a curtosy thing. Seems like most of you take this as a negative thing, which seems weird. If I hold a door open for a woman, or try and help her with something heavy, I am doing it to help and be nice, not to put her down because she is a woman. It seems like so many peopls views are messed up, and instantly go to the negative side of things. Maybe if we could qite thinking so negatively of someones good jestures we would be hapier.0
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So you were struggling and your husband decided it best not to help? Last time I checked it was respectful to offer assistance to a woman, especially if she is physically struggling. And yes, it is common courtesy to hold the door open for NOT ONLY WOMEN, but men. I am sorry you don't like to be respected.
That's not at all what I said and I think you may have read my post wrong or maybe I wasn't clear. He originally wanted to have the cart and everything, but I said I would do it. As I said in the post he always opens doors for me and carries things and is very gentlemanly. It just so happened that I didn't get to work out that day so I was using our shopping trip as a chance to get in a little more exercise
The post was more to see what other people thought if they were to witness a situation like that or if other people had experienced dirty looks and shaking heads if they had tried to do something similar because others assumed that the male was being rude when he really wasn't
Then yes, I read it wrong. You will get those looks wherever ya go.0 -
The other day my husband and I were at home depot getting some supplies for the house/garden. I insisted on pushing the flatbed cart carrying all our lumber and soil around the store and then loading/unloading it into our truck....just to get a little bit of extra exercise in. Similarly at work, I tend to carry the large buckets of seawater from room to room instead of putting them on a cart. I realize this isn't much, but I figure every little bit helps. Additionally I'm stubborn and also well aware that I am able to do these things, so I don't see a need to have someone else do them for me.
The problem is that we definitely live in an area where women are treated as such: I've been called ma'am for at least 5 years now and I've never opened my own car door when my husband is around, let alone a door to a store when any male is present. So when I'm pushing around this heavy cart and obviously struggling and my husband is leisurely strolling ahead of me, we tend to get some dirty looks. My boss even scolded a male coworker for having me do all the heavy lifting one day, even though I insisted on it. These people giving us these looks or shaking their heads at us obviously don't know whats going on and just think my husband is being a jerk.
Curious if anyone else does this type of thing or experienced it? Or alternatively, if you saw one of the situations described above would you think the guy was being inconsiderate, or would you think something else (the woman didn't want someone doing things for her or she was trying to exercise)
Um, ma'am is just a sign of respect. I can't see how that's bad.
I know some people don't like it because it makes them feel old. "Ma'am is my mother." (Similarly, I know a lot of guys that don't like being called "sir" for the same reason - "Sir is my father.")
Well..... Get over it, it doesn't mean you're old. Like I said, it's a sign of respect. What are we supposed to say "yes lady"??
Exactly.
In most cases I've experienced, simply dropping off the "sir" or "ma'am" is sufficient, because the interactions are more or less between equals. "Have a nice day," vs "have a nice day, sir." I tend to get a little disconcerted when someone calls me "ma'am," but for me, it's mainly because not everyone around here says it. I get over it because I'm generally the "call me what you want" type of person.
That's one of the things I like about languages like Japanese. You have those politeness words (titles?), but you have them for just about every position -- not just a "sir"/"ma'am" equivalent (which generally have a connotation as the "sir" or "ma'am" being in a position of superiority, such as an age difference), but also for addressing an equal.
What about "Yes ma'am" vs "yes"0 -
What about "Yes ma'am" vs "yes"
That's why I said "most cases." For that particular one, I'm not sure, and it depends more on the circumstances. My experience has been that "yes ma'am" is most often used in one of two ways - a sarcastic tone when someone is responding to orders given by another of equal level, and in a more formal situation, where the woman has rank over the other person (ie - the military). Around here, it's pretty much unheard of to actually use it respectfully by civilians in an informal situation. The same goes for "sir," for the most part. We generally use other words of affirmation ("okay", "alright", "will do", etc).
"Miss" will be used sometimes, when the speaker feels the subject is too young for "ma'am" ("you forgot your purse, miss", etc), but still wants to use a formality, or possibly even to flatter a woman who is considered old enough for "ma'am" but may appreciate being addressed like a younger woman.0 -
In my experience it's a whole different ball game over here in the UK....people can be so ignorant or rude. There's a small minority here who are courteous. Especially if you are friends, acquaintances etc....or they're feeling that way out.
I think it's nice when men open doors, carry things when you struggle, etc...0 -
On the other hand I kind of enjoy doing the heavy lifting because I'm a petite person and it really throws people off! :laugh:
EDITED TO ADD: My favourite is when a man says "Oh, let me take that for you" and then staggers or drops it because it hadn't occurred to him that it might be heavy. Last time was at a builders merchants with a bag of gravel, fortunately it didn't split when he dropped it. What did he think it was, special women's gravel made of feathers and fluff?
I don't think it's about getting hurt (yes, it would suck if the bag had landed on his foot), but rather that his peacocking is coming back to bite him and he realizes that yes, it is heavy, and yes, she can pick it up and carry it more easily than he can.
Why does this make me happy? Payback for being patronised.
If I was obviously struggling and someone offered help, I'd be grateful.
However, if a man (or woman) is stupid enough to patronise me, I certainly won't be crying myself to sleep at night if I hurt their feelings!0 -
On the other hand I kind of enjoy doing the heavy lifting because I'm a petite person and it really throws people off! :laugh:
EDITED TO ADD: My favourite is when a man says "Oh, let me take that for you" and then staggers or drops it because it hadn't occurred to him that it might be heavy. Last time was at a builders merchants with a bag of gravel, fortunately it didn't split when he dropped it. What did he think it was, special women's gravel made of feathers and fluff?
I don't think it's about getting hurt (yes, it would suck if the bag had landed on his foot), but rather that his peacocking is coming back to bite him and he realizes that yes, it is heavy, and yes, she can pick it up and carry it more easily than he can.
Why does this make me happy? Payback for being patronised.
If I was obviously struggling and someone offered help, I'd be grateful.
However, if a man (or woman) is stupid enough to patronise me, I certainly won't be crying myself to sleep at night if I hurt their feelings!
I hope people don't stop being helpful for fear of offending someone.0 -
You know, the whole ma'am/sir thing got me thinking back to my dad...
My dad was a Drill Sergeant for a while in the Air Force, and the first day his newbies replied "Yes Sir!", to which he replied the usual, "SIR? DO I LOOK LIKE AN OFFICER TO YOU? I WORK FOR A LIVING! YOU'LL ADDRESS ME AS DRILL SERGEANT!" To which they then replied "YES DRILL SERGEANT"
Sorry, it's a tangent....but there are some guys that don't like sir, either :laugh:0 -
My husband doesn't open doors, walk on the outside of the street and sometimes lets me struggle carying things while he goes empty handed. No he's not an assh-le - he just knows that if he asks to help I'll probably refuse. I'm pretty stubborn and independent.0
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This thread kind of took a slight turn. When did being polite become chauvinistic.? I was raised by a man that treated everyone with respect and women with deference. Ma'am and Sir were a part of his vocabulary. Opening a door for another person was common place. If a woman enterred a room, he stood. If a woman needed a seat, he offered his.
That is how he was raised; that is how I was raised. I'm very proud that I am like my father. I treat my wife, daughters and women in my life in the same manner, and I hope they come to expect it from the men that will come along in their life. In fact, I hope they insist on it.
If I am considered a chauvinist, then that is what I am. I am going to open your door for you. I am going to address you as Sir or Ma'am. If you have a problem with it, it's on you, not me.0 -
I don't really care about gender in this whole situation. If I'm nearest to the door, I'll hold it for whoever is coming in after me, and I'd expect the same, whether that individual is a man or woman. In that vein, if I'm holding something heavy and am obviously struggling, I would not care whether a man or woman came and helped me, so long as they're not just standing there laughing at my struggle. There are cases where I won't even attempt to lift something because I know I can't - my brother and father helped me move my mattress, for example. Although usually if it's my stuff I don't want to burden others with how heavy it is!
I suppose I just see those types of things as general politeness or courtesy, so I feel it should be universal, rather than just the way men act towards women. I wouldn't look at someone strangely if they were with a male who didn't do the heavy lifting. Maybe it's because I'm Canadian. :laugh:
Edit: Also, having worked mostly in the service industry, I had to use "ma'am" and "sir" all the time, usually to get people's attention, for example: "Sir, your order is ready!" because I wouldn't have known their name to just say "Hey, Joe, your pizza is done."0 -
I think there is a balance for every couple. I am fairly "independent" in that if I want something done, I will just do it. I don't wait around for my husband or expect him to take care of it. On the other hand, if I start doing something, most times my husband will come and work beside me. He also doesn't hesitate to ask me to help him if there is a two person job (unless a male is close by to help). He doesn't feel the need to defend me-ever! It used to bother me, but now I realize that its more because he knows that I can handle myself There have been a couple of times that I started loading/unloading heavy things and he stopped me because it made HIM feel bad, and out of respect for him, I stopped and let him finish!0
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On the other hand I kind of enjoy doing the heavy lifting because I'm a petite person and it really throws people off! :laugh:
EDITED TO ADD: My favourite is when a man says "Oh, let me take that for you" and then staggers or drops it because it hadn't occurred to him that it might be heavy. Last time was at a builders merchants with a bag of gravel, fortunately it didn't split when he dropped it. What did he think it was, special women's gravel made of feathers and fluff?
I don't think it's about getting hurt (yes, it would suck if the bag had landed on his foot), but rather that his peacocking is coming back to bite him and he realizes that yes, it is heavy, and yes, she can pick it up and carry it more easily than he can.
Why does this make me happy? Payback for being patronised.
If I was obviously struggling and someone offered help, I'd be grateful.
However, if a man (or woman) is stupid enough to patronise me, I certainly won't be crying myself to sleep at night if I hurt their feelings!
I hope people don't stop being helpful for fear of offending someone.
If someone says to me "Do you need a hand with that" I'm perfectly happy to either accept help or politely say "It's okay I'm fine, but thanks"
What really annoys me is when men assume that because I'm short I must be helpless and grab things off me saying "Here let me take that" - which is offensive and and patronising and VERY different from offering help to a person who may or may not need or want help.
To the men on here who say they "respect women" and who feel that the are demonstrating that respect by doing everything for them, I challenge them to take a step back and question whether that really is a sign of respect in the 21st century.0 -
When my hand gets better I will be back to doing the lawn... well maybe... he's changed in the last few years... I love doing the lawn but he now expects me to do literally everything... I clean up after him all the time. It's really sad because it puts a lot of ill feelings in the house. Especially when I love doing outside work. I'm trying to remove the clutter from my house so I can get it to a point where cleaning is no big deal so I can still enjoy myself outside.
In MN women and men open doors for each other. Even kids here will hold the doors open for you... a nice thank you and off you go. I try to wave at cars when they let me in there lane... all that.
A lot has changed with my hand not working though. The lawn has not been mowed yet... the lawn mower is broken but he has not given any thought to paying anyone. We are going to get called on because our lawn is soooo long.0 -
And I like a neat lawn by the way... my dh doesn't like any lawn work at all.0
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There's a difference between peacocking and trying to be polite. It's one thing to ask "would you like some help with that?" (which, assuming neutral tone, conveys acknowledgement that the person might be, or appears to be, struggling and may appreciate some assistance). It's another to say "let me get that for you" (which can more likely convey that the person being addressed is not capable of doing the task). Additionally, it's generally peacocking when they try to toss something around as if it's not heavy, only to find out the hard way that yes, it is, in fact, heavy, and does require effort on their part (thus deflating the "look how strong I am!" ruse). It's not always bad for someone to get knocked down a peg or two (in my opinion, at least).
I don't know in what world someone would get upset if someone else says "let me get that for you." If the person can help, there is nothing wrong with it.
I understand everyone wants to be independent, but there is nothing wrong with letting someone help you out.0 -
I don't know in what world someone would get upset if someone else says "let me get that for you." If the person can help, there is nothing wrong with it.
I'll tell you what world. In a world where, entering a traditionally male profession nearly 30 years ago, it was often necessary for me to stand my ground to be taken seriously as an engineer, and not end up just taking minutes in meetings and making the tea - which is what happened to the only other female civil engineer in my year.
Think about this, when these men get old they're going to find young people assuming they're helpless - and I'm sure that at that point they'll finally understand why some perfectly capable women hate the assumption that they're incapable of managing on their own, and are actually proud of being able to stand on their own two feet.0
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