Dear I love you but really....
Replies
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I really hope this lovely lady can re-invigorate her relationship as they've built a lot together and I know she loves him. But I hope that it doesn't come at the expense of who she is and how she feels about herself and her progress and efforts.
This, I agree with completely.0 -
Is he overweight himself? Sounds like he is afraid that when you're rockin a totally hot body, you won't want him anymore. It really sounds like he is insecure. Use everything that he says as motivation to do this for yourself and prove him wrong!
That might be possible (I'm a guy). I don't think this way, but I can see that perspective.
In our house both myself and my wife are working on losing weight, so we help each other stay motivated, but, unfortunately, if we're both craving something bad, we can often demotivate, too. Other times we balance each other out.0 -
Regardless of whether it means who someone is or what someone is doing, this guy should just be an Ex-P.0
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You definitely need to have a talk with him. If he is just "being a guy" without realizing it is rude, he can change it. If he is actually being hurtful on purpose YOU need to change it by finding a new DP. My fiance is super supportive and it helps so much. He encourages me to log my food and has changed up recipes that he cooks for me to make them healthier. This month he started doing 30 day shred and was amazed that I was able to do it at my weight (it almost killed him and he is only 10 pounds overweight). People treat us the way we ALLOW them to...stand up for yourself.0
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Folks, for those of us that don't use "Darling ___" monikers, DP means Double Penetration. Please don't report me for saying Double Penetration. I'm trying to spread useful information.
When someone asks you if you'd like a DP, please don't assume they mean "Dr. Pepper", either.
That misskortney girl knows what's up. Listen to her.
^^LMAO!!!
But I agree with crisanderson's advice/suggestions0 -
Punch him in the junk.
LOL.....sorry had to laugh at this.....but i do agree, it is verbal abuse and you should not have anyone around you like that.0 -
I went through the same thing with my husband when I first started weight watchers and got a personal trainer. He was afraid I was going to go overboard and get skinny. I did my best to ignore him, and over time he stopped the complaints and started complementing me on how nice I look. I never got skinny; I still eat good food, just smaller portions.
Explain your goals to him, but be sure they are realistic. Or tell him an intermediate goal and inch on down after you hit that.
Tell him how important this is for your health and you appreciate his support. Find an activity you can do together - walking, biking, basketball, etc. Then do your best to ignore his poor attitude.0 -
Thanks Ladies.
I just want to finish the program and sadly I ha ve been stupid enough to think I would get more support from him. He did buy me the program, he bought me the hand weights, and the work out clothes AND the food scale.
I do remind myself that he has supported my efforts in this way.
I am off to make a delicious lunch for myself.
Honey, he is an *kitten*!! Mental Abuse is real and happening to you! Walk, NO RUN as far as possible. You will have lost atleast 200 lbs if you do!
As a man I'll admit he's not being supportive, but assuming he's just an *kitten* that doesn't care is most likely dead wrong.
We guys don't always know the right way to relate to the women in our lives, and let's face it, women aren't always forthcoming with tips on how to do it.0 -
I went through the same thing with my husband when I first started weight watchers and got a personal trainer. He was afraid I was going to go overboard and get skinny. I did my best to ignore him, and over time he stopped the complaints and started complementing me on how nice I look. I never got skinny; I still eat good food, just smaller portions.
Explain your goals to him, but be sure they are realistic. Or tell him an intermediate goal and inch on down after you hit that.
Tell him how important this is for your health and you appreciate his support. Find an activity you can do together - walking, biking, basketball, etc. Then do your best to ignore his poor attitude.
I think another fear a lot of guys have is that their wife/girlfriend/etc (I don't use the webspeak acronyms like DW, DP, etc) will become so obsessed (in their minds) with fitness and diet that they will feel "negative" effects themselves; i.e. she won't want to go to Five Guys for dinner, or drink beer at the ballgame with him, or she'll expect HIM to start working out as much as she does, and cramp his style.
Since my wife and I are on the same path, I don't think its an issue for us, but I could see it being one if one partner is trying to get healthy and the other one isn't.0 -
I really hope this lovely lady can re-invigorate her relationship as they've built a lot together and I know she loves him. But I hope that it doesn't come at the expense of who she is and how she feels about herself and her progress and efforts.
This, I agree with completely.
I LOVE your answers....some girl is very lucky. I bet you are an AWESOME partner.0 -
Thanks Ladies.
I just want to finish the program and sadly I ha ve been stupid enough to think I would get more support from him. He did buy me the program, he bought me the hand weights, and the work out clothes AND the food scale.
I do remind myself that he has supported my efforts in this way.
I am off to make a delicious lunch for myself.
This is why I hate giving internet advice on relationships, and hate seeing other people do it too.
He IS supporting your efforts...he's NOT supporting them emotionally. This means he's not the piece of $h!t controlling asshat the 23yr old woman from above is assuming he is. It means he's probably got some real insecurities and doesn't know how to deal with them.
We men can be very immature like that sometimes.
Have you told him his words hurt you? Have you told him you're trying to make positive changes in YOUR life and health, for both of you? If you have, and he's ignoring those attempts to communicate, you guys have other issues that go far beyond your weight loss and his insecurities, and you definitely need help with them, because those things don't get better with time, they almost invariably get worse.
If you (plural, not singular) can't communicate your feelings so that you both understand...what do you really have?
^^ Exactly that.0 -
Having been in a truly toxic relationship in the past, and having survived getting away from it, when I read what your DP is saying to you, and seeing all the responses, it makes me cringe.
To me, it all depends on WHY he's acting that way. Is it intentional? Really? Or is it major insecurities?
Some guys get seriously threatened by their women losing weight, and they can react very badly because of it. It doesn't make them jerks, it means they need more love and understanding. Kind of like a child that had a toy taken away on the playground. Some guys think that their women losing weight means that the woman won't want them anymore, or that other guys will find her attractive and start hitting on her.
Some guys honestly like "larger" women, and don't find them as attractive when they lose the weight.
You need to talk to your DP, and try to find out WHY he's acting the way he is. If he's insecure, do what you can to reassure him, and he may just become your best supporter.
If his sole motivation is to hurt you, I'm willing to bet it shows in other areas of your relationship too. This is something you need to really think about. He was supportive enough to buy you the tools you needed to get started... So maybe he's not that big of a jerk after all, maybe he's just clueless.
If, on the other hand, he really is just trying to tear you down, then you need to realize that it will affect your whole relationship, not just your ability to lose weight. And if that's the honest case, you need to rethink your relationship.0 -
Seriously, ladies, "verbal abuse" is being thrown around so casually. Let's save crying "abuse" for the real thing. Someone being insensitive or even rude does not constitute abuse...
Just talk to him - he does support you to some extent, since he bought you equipment etc. He just might think you are doing it "wrong"!! Tell him what works for you, and occasionally listen to him - he might actually have a valid point sometimes (not about you'll never be thin, though!).
We women can be too sensitive and defensive sometimes, so it goes both ways. (Married for 17 years, so I do have a little experience)
Oh and I agree - listen to chrisanderson!!
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Folks, for those of us that don't use "Darling ___" monikers, DP means Double Penetration. Please don't report me for saying Double Penetration. I'm trying to spread useful information.
When someone asks you if you'd like a DP, please don't assume they mean "Dr. Pepper", either.
This made me laugh so hard!!!0 -
Seriously, ladies, "verbal abuse" is being thrown around so casually. Let's save crying "abuse" for the real thing. Someone being insensitive or even rude does not constitute abuse...
Just talk to him - he does support you to some extent, since he bought you equipment etc. He just might think you are doing it "wrong"!! Tell him what works for you, and occasionally listen to him - he might actually have a valid point sometimes (not about you'll never be thin, though!).
We women can be too sensitive and defensive sometimes, so it goes both ways. (Married for 17 years, so I do have a little experience)
Oh and I agree - listen to chrisanderson!!
THIS^^0 -
I really hope this lovely lady can re-invigorate her relationship as they've built a lot together and I know she loves him. But I hope that it doesn't come at the expense of who she is and how she feels about herself and her progress and efforts.
This, I agree with completely.
I LOVE your answers....some girl is very lucky. I bet you are an AWESOME partner.
If you meant me...I'm single.../sigh.
Women don't seem to like single Dads who have custody of their kids, combined with traditional values (there's a thread on this...but in short, it doesn't mean you're a second class citizen lol, if anything...it means the opposite), and a desire to share virtually every aspect of your combined lives.
Go figure lol.0 -
Threads like this make me so happy that my husband is super supportive. But I have to agree with CrisAnderson on everything he said. While this guy's behavior is idiotic, I don't know that it's abusive. If he constantly does things to undermine her, that's one thing, but it that's not the case, and he actually doesn't realize what he's saying it hurting her, then she needs to be upfront about that. Men (and women) don't read minds. And often things that we can say to our friends/family/whatever, aren't considered acceptable to others and we don't know that until they tell us.
OP you said this in one of your replies:I just want to say..unless you can say "XYZ to me about what I am doing, please don't say anythign at all."
Why can't you? Why can't you say just that. That you need him to be supportive, and at the very least not detrimental to your process. You said you don't know why he's so critical - so ask him. Have a discussion with the man.
Oh and for the OP who said she says, "Do you like this dress, the answer is YES" to her husband (or boyfriend) - why bother asking? It's funny cause just this weekend I put something on that I wasn't sure of, and I asked my husband, "What do you think?" and was grateful that he just kind of gave me a bland shrug and said, "It's ok, I guess." Confirmed what I was already thinking and I took it off. If I liked it, I wouldn't ahve bothered to ask him, and I would never want him to say something looked great if it didn't. And then I told him he should consider himself lucky that when I asked I really wanted to know and that I didn't get mad that he didn't like it, and that I consider myself lucky that he can be honest with me. To each their own I guess.0 -
Having been in a truly toxic relationship in the past, and having survived getting away from it, when I read what your DP is saying to you, and seeing all the responses, it makes me cringe.
To me, it all depends on WHY he's acting that way. Is it intentional? Really? Or is it major insecurities?
Some guys get seriously threatened by their women losing weight, and they can react very badly because of it. It doesn't make them jerks, it means they need more love and understanding. Kind of like a child that had a toy taken away on the playground. Some guys think that their women losing weight means that the woman won't want them anymore, or that other guys will find her attractive and start hitting on her.
Some guys honestly like "larger" women, and don't find them as attractive when they lose the weight.
You need to talk to your DP, and try to find out WHY he's acting the way he is. If he's insecure, do what you can to reassure him, and he may just become your best supporter.
If his sole motivation is to hurt you, I'm willing to bet it shows in other areas of your relationship too. This is something you need to really think about. He was supportive enough to buy you the tools you needed to get started... So maybe he's not that big of a jerk after all, maybe he's just clueless.
If, on the other hand, he really is just trying to tear you down, then you need to realize that it will affect your whole relationship, not just your ability to lose weight. And if that's the honest case, you need to rethink your relationship.Seriously, ladies, "verbal abuse" is being thrown around so casually. Let's save crying "abuse" for the real thing. Someone being insensitive or even rude does not constitute abuse...
Just talk to him - he does support you to some extent, since he bought you equipment etc. He just might think you are doing it "wrong"!! Tell him what works for you, and occasionally listen to him - he might actually have a valid point sometimes (not about you'll never be thin, though!).
We women can be too sensitive and defensive sometimes, so it goes both ways. (Married for 17 years, so I do have a little experience)
Thank you ladies for being the voice of reason. Sometimes hearing what you've said here from a man...doesn't allow it to sink in. The good news though, is that I think the OP completely understands...and is just venting her frustration.0 -
I really hope this lovely lady can re-invigorate her relationship as they've built a lot together and I know she loves him. But I hope that it doesn't come at the expense of who she is and how she feels about herself and her progress and efforts.
This, I agree with completely.
I LOVE your answers....some girl is very lucky. I bet you are an AWESOME partner.
If you meant me...I'm single.../sigh.
Women don't seem to like single Dads who have custody of their kids, combined with traditional values (there's a thread on this...but in short, it doesn't mean you're a second class citizen lol, if anything...it means the opposite), and a desire to share virtually every aspect of your combined lives.
Go figure lol.
Yep, you. Us single moms have it hard too 0 -
I like the saying...if you're not contributing to something, you're contaminating it. Let him know not just how his unproductive his comments are, but what he COULD day to be more supportive. He needs to lift you up, not tear you down.....0
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Punch him in the junk.
This! lmao0 -
I really hope this lovely lady can re-invigorate her relationship as they've built a lot together and I know she loves him. But I hope that it doesn't come at the expense of who she is and how she feels about herself and her progress and efforts.
This, I agree with completely.
I LOVE your answers....some girl is very lucky. I bet you are an AWESOME partner.
If you meant me...I'm single.../sigh.
Women don't seem to like single Dads who have custody of their kids, combined with traditional values (there's a thread on this...but in short, it doesn't mean you're a second class citizen lol, if anything...it means the opposite), and a desire to share virtually every aspect of your combined lives.
Go figure lol.
Yep, you. Us single moms have it hard too
I know you do...and it sucks. I've had sole legal and physical custody of my daughter for 14yrs, and have sole physical custody of my sons as well. It's not easy at all. As a single parent, you've got to be Dad and Mom both...and if you're any sort of decent person, it teaches you a whole lot about how the shoe feels on the other foot.
That doesn't even add dating into the mix, lol.0 -
Is he overweight himself? Sounds like he is afraid that when you're rockin a totally hot body, you won't want him anymore. It really sounds like he is insecure. Use everything that he says as motivation to do this for yourself and prove him wrong!
AGREE!!!0 -
Punch him in the junk.
YES!!! DO IT!!!!0 -
My boyfriend would critique me on the food I was eating in the morning and he was right. I was eating Toaster Strudels and Coffee. So I took it to the forum and asked MFP users their opinions. Many agreed it wasn't beneficial so I switched my meals up. I've cut out coffee and am now drinking herbal tea. I cut out regular milk and am now drinking Organic Vanilla Soy Milk. It helps. I mean I am putting better things into my body now. Maybe your man is just trying to act macho. My BF also tries to show me up during workout videos. Of course he can do lots of push ups....he's a damn Marine. I on the other hand am working up to it. I just tell him to go away and leave me alone lol.0
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Thanks for the male perspective.
I think a lot of comes from the fact he's a man, wasn't raised to be positive ect. He's not the "Good Job" type of guy. But man...its killing me. I just want to say..unless you can say "XYZ to me about what I am doing, please don't say anythign at all."
We've been together Nine years April. Communication channels open and close constantly given our busy lives, kids, and work.
I agree about relationship advice. Hard as anything to offer it without knowing folks.
For instance, perhaps he does not want to see you be disappointed. I know my hubby (sweetheart he is), hates to see me fail, almost as much as I hate to see me fail. His answer is often just don't do it (and then I do it anyway). This doesn't just apply to my body, but also to decorating (he doesn't want me disappointed if room doesn't look like I envision), buying a new car, all sorts of unusual things. Some might think he's unsupportive, but it's more that he's miserable when I'm miserable. We are that close. He is my best friend.0 -
For the record. I tinks yer purdy :flowerforyou:0
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and here I thought it stood for dumb prickI am going with DP - domestic partner0 -
Hello--I was with a man like this for 17 years-it took a stark day for me to realize that he was a bully, a jerk, and just not a nice person. I know he is the father of your child-but, take a long hard look--maybe the best weight loss you need is --His weight!!0
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One thing I know for sure about relationships in general is this... When your partner wants to make a big change, it is natural to want to resist it. Change means YOU have to find acceptance and it usually means being kind of uncomfortable. He is uncomfortable with the idea that you're changing your body. It makes him feel threatened. When he criticises you, it's his insecurity speaking very loudly: "I'm not comfortable with what you're doing and it makes me feel like less of a human being so in order to feel like I still have the upper hand on you, I'm going to criticise you".
Many partners will get over it and learn how to find that acceptance. I really hope he does.0
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