Dear I love you but really....
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Verbul abuse is ABUSE--and it is detrimental !!! I was also married previously for 17 years and ya know-abuse whether it is from his mouth or his fist-is ABUSE.0
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What the hell does DP stand for?
I would like to know too! LOL
I haven't read all the comments, but in case somebody else didn't comment about this, if I'm figuring correctly, I think DP stands for Domestic Partner? that's all I can figure it means.0 -
Hello--I was with a man like this for 17 years-it took a stark day for me to realize that he was a bully, a jerk, and just not a nice person. I know he is the father of your child-but, take a long hard look--maybe the best weight loss you need is --His weight!!
Project much?0 -
I really don't like the "abuse" card being played. You're jumping to conclusions here.
It's no wonder so many relationships break up. The OP has admitted she "wants" to say something to him but won't.
He probably has no idea what he's doing.
Here's a thought: TALK TO HIM!
THEN determine if he is just "doing it wrong" or is truly a d-bag.0 -
I'd dump his *kitten*...that's quite a bit of weight you'd lose...0
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How much does your man weigh? Lets say 200 lbs - you could quickly lose 200 lbs by dumping his insensitive *kitten*. Sounds like a jerk off to me!0
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I really hope this lovely lady can re-invigorate her relationship as they've built a lot together and I know she loves him. But I hope that it doesn't come at the expense of who she is and how she feels about herself and her progress and efforts.
This, I agree with completely.
I LOVE your answers....some girl is very lucky. I bet you are an AWESOME partner.
If you meant me...I'm single.../sigh.
Women don't seem to like single Dads who have custody of their kids, combined with traditional values (there's a thread on this...but in short, it doesn't mean you're a second class citizen lol, if anything...it means the opposite), and a desire to share virtually every aspect of your combined lives.
Go figure lol.
OMG -you ARE perfect. Single ladies -- start lining up....0 -
What the hell does DP stand for?
I would like to know too! LOL
I haven't read all the comments, but in case somebody else didn't comment about this, if I'm figuring correctly, I think DP stands for Domestic Partner? that's all I can figure it means.
That was driving me mad because all I could think about for a DP definition was "when a man and a man and a woman love each other verrrry much..."
To the OP, why not sit down with your partner and explain your issues? If you're hurt by what he's saying then he should know. Maybe he doesn't realize he's doing it as much as he is, or maybe he thinks it's motivating somehow. My wife and I have been married 16 years and the biggest reason why we're still successful after all that time is that we tell each other what we're feeling and make sure we're both following the same "plan".
And when we've got fit it's always been WAY easier together, but even if that's not going to happen, you need that support there and you need him to know what you're thinking. Even a simple "I'm trying hard to get fitter and it would be super awesome if you have any ideas about meals or working out. Maybe we could even do it together!"
Of course if this doesn't work, there is always the kick to the junk.
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It sounds like he's scared your going to lose weight and leave him.0
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1. this is not ok - this kind of behavior isn't helping you, and you need positive influences in your life. and..
2. maybe he's insecure about himself, and thinks if you do get that booty into a bathing suit this summer, you'd find someone better than him. for your sake: hope you do find someone who treats you the way you should be treated!0 -
What the hell does DP stand for?
I would like to know too! LOL
I haven't read all the comments, but in case somebody else didn't comment about this, if I'm figuring correctly, I think DP stands for Domestic Partner? that's all I can figure it means.
Dear Partner, Darling Partner, Domestic Partner. Depending on the site you're on, it means one of those!0 -
Baby girl you are doing a wonderful thing that many people want but honeslty cant and you dont need him to be proud of yourself just look in the mirror, keep it up you have just boosted my diet!!!!!!!:flowerforyou:0
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I understand, and appreciate your open mind...and I do think the key to this is communication (like it is to most things). Only after that's been completely exhausted is it time for more drastic measures.
Honestly I just felt there needed to be an honest counter point to all the 'He's worthless and abusive and controlling and probably cheating on you! Tie him to the bed, take the kids and go...and make sure the curtains are burning nicely before you drive away!' responses that always come with these kinds of threads :l.
hahah I love it! It's always good to know there are a few sane people on MFP.0 -
Reality of the matter is that noone's words or actions can hurt you unless you give them permission to... you said it he supported you here and there but is not the good job kinda guy - keep that in mind and ignore the rest...
YOU ARE DOING THIS FOR YOU, SO WHAT ANYONE HAS TO SAY SHOULD BE COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT0 -
I have to go with everyone else on this topic. My hubs was a little....Douchey.. for a while at the beginning of my weight loss, then one day I was like "What the crap is your problem?!!?" And he finally told me he was insecure that once I'm at my goal weight, I'd leave him for someone else. I then told him if he's got an ugly attitude he's going to lose me anyways. hahah! Now he's much better and tons more supportive and now he's excited about me loosing my weight. I'm glad I stood up to him.0
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From what I remember of intarwebz lingo, DP is Darling Partner. Like DH is Darling Husband, etc.
Read the post above; Domestic Partner, eh? I guess I'm not as up to date as I should be!
From what I read of this guy I would not be putting Darling anything in front of any reference to him!!
ha!!0 -
I really hope this lovely lady can re-invigorate her relationship as they've built a lot together and I know she loves him. But I hope that it doesn't come at the expense of who she is and how she feels about herself and her progress and efforts.
This, I agree with completely.
I LOVE your answers....some girl is very lucky. I bet you are an AWESOME partner.
If you meant me...I'm single.../sigh.
Women don't seem to like single Dads who have custody of their kids, combined with traditional values (there's a thread on this...but in short, it doesn't mean you're a second class citizen lol, if anything...it means the opposite), and a desire to share virtually every aspect of your combined lives.
Go figure lol.
OMG -you ARE perfect. Single ladies -- start lining up....
:blushing:
I've started to think this is a big conspiracy game of 'keep away'. You women keep talking about this line...but I've seriously never found it!0 -
It sounds like he's scared your going to lose weight and leave him.
Or my upthread suggestion - that he feels her new diet and lifestyle will "cramp" his style, or limit the "fun" things they used to do - no more going to Five Guys for burgers, or tossing down beer at the ballgame, etc. Or that he'll feel compelled to work out and eat better, things he doesn't wish to do.
Lots of guys would rather have a fat, fun girl than an uptight (in their mind), health-obsessed thin one.0 -
Yea, I think he might think he is trying to help, or he might be insecure.
I know my husband went through that a little.. but now he is on a health kick himself, and has lost 70 pounds, he gets 'it'.
You can also try some reverse psychology.. start giving 'it' up more often.. attribute it to your new stamina!0 -
It sounds like he's scared your going to lose weight and leave him.
Or my upthread suggestion - that he feels her new diet and lifestyle will "cramp" his style, or limit the "fun" things they used to do - no more going to Five Guys for burgers, or tossing down beer at the ballgame, etc. Or that he'll feel compelled to work out and eat better, things he doesn't wish to do.
Lots of guys would rather have a fat, fun girl than an uptight (in their mind), health-obsessed thin one.
That's a very reasonable and observant outlook...and probably a lot more true than many women realize.0 -
DP? I'd ask what this is but I know the responses I'd get. I'm assuming you're talking about your significant other? Anyways...
You really need to have a serious talk with him and tell him to shut it. He obviously hasn't a clue how important this is for you and his constant insults are only going to sabotage you in the long run. He either has a fetish for fat girls or is scared that you will leave him when you get your new hotness self. I'm not sure why us guys always think you're putting all that effort in leaving us, when it's actually the complete opposite. Go figure, have a serious talk with him and get him on your level.0 -
Seriously, ladies, "verbal abuse" is being thrown around so casually. Let's save crying "abuse" for the real thing. Someone being insensitive or even rude does not constitute abuse...
Just talk to him - he does support you to some extent, since he bought you equipment etc. He just might think you are doing it "wrong"!! Tell him what works for you, and occasionally listen to him - he might actually have a valid point sometimes (not about you'll never be thin, though!).
We women can be too sensitive and defensive sometimes, so it goes both ways. (Married for 17 years, so I do have a little experience)
Oh and I agree - listen to chrisanderson!!
Total agree with this.0 -
One thing I know for sure about relationships in general is this... When your partner wants to make a big change, it is natural to want to resist it. Change means YOU have to find acceptance and it usually means being kind of uncomfortable. He is uncomfortable with the idea that you're changing your body. It makes him feel threatened. When he criticises you, it's his insecurity speaking very loudly: "I'm not comfortable with what you're doing and it makes me feel like less of a human being so in order to feel like I still have the upper hand on you, I'm going to criticise you".
Many partners will get over it and learn how to find that acceptance. I really hope he does.
Exactly this. My husband did that, then got on board and now hes really supportive. Many people will do this to you, its all about insecurity, then they will find something within themselves and correct it.0 -
REALLY??? I can understand Crisanderson2's male point of view, BUT if your 'DP' is being as rude and unsupportive as you say, thats not healthy, its not supportive (no matter what he bought), and definitely not acceptable. A man that age should know how to be respectful, loving, and supportive when it comes to his woman and the mother of his children. Anything less is unacceptable and as women we have got to stop making excuses...because that will be your son or son-in-law one day dogging his wife or DP. No matter what the issue is, no scale of disrespect or abuse is acceptable, because it will grow. If he or you both treated eachother like this over the years and now you have found something important for you, you are going to have to open up and communicate with him on how his words make you feel regarding something that is sooo important to you. Let him know that losing weight means the world to you and you need his guidance and support, but if he is not willing to support you, it would be best for him to keep his remarks to himself.
One way or the other, your relationship with this man is about to take a turn. Whether it's good or bad will depend on how much you really love yourself.0 -
I'll be honest, didn't read more than the first paragraph, that's all it took to get me fired up!
You need to start making LITTLE comments about his, you know!
Ignore him. You are doing this for you. When you have had enough, you'll do something about it!
You deserve the respect of your DP. :flowerforyou:0 -
Maybe he's just an *kitten*...
The most probable cause of this is him feeling insecure about himself. Perhaps he thinks when you get all skinny and sexy, you'll move on and find someone "better". My boyfriend done this in the beginning (But to no where near such an extent), and I nipped it in the bud. He has always been happy for me and everything but he did feel a little insecure about it for a while.
You should remind him that you love him, and it won't change who you are, or how you feel about him.
Good luck and don't let ANYONE put you off. You want this? Then you CAN do it!0 -
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This is more constructive than my suggestion.. But don't underestimate the power of a good junk punch now and then.
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^^This!!!0 -
Hey girl! We all have our insecurities to battle and sometimes our partners battle them by bullying. Just tell him that he is too good to be that way, it's true after all. You must have seen something good in him and he in you. Remind him that this battle you have is yours to fight, he can't fight it for you. Men and women are made differently and we lose and gain weight differently. If you would rather have a protein bar than a peice of fruit, do it, it's better than a third, worse for you option. Kudos on doing P90X, I have done parts of it and thought I would throw up my own lungs!!! Rather than combat him with anger, just remind him that you want to be the best you can be and this is the way you have chosen to do it. Remind him that he is too mature and too good a person to be nit-picking everything you do. He has his way, you have yours, just both of you go and do it. Keep it up girl!!! YOU have to look at yourself in the mirror at the end of each day. He probably just feels a little left out right now. Each time you drop a couple of pounds or reach a size goal, celebrate with him in some "sexy" way or by spending a whole day doin gwhat he wants to do or by taking one day of you plan and incorporating some of his ideas. He will start to associate your reached goals with rewards that include him also! (they are kind of like dogs and kids, give 'em treats when they behave!!) Hang in ther and good luck!!!! 0
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I really think this gentleman might have hit it on target. All you can control is yourself. Figure out what will work for you in your response to his comments and continue with the program. If he has insecurites, he will have to want to work on those for himself. You can't do it for him just like he cannot lose the weight for you. 0
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Thanks Ladies.
I just want to finish the program and sadly I ha ve been stupid enough to think I would get more support from him. He did buy me the program, he bought me the hand weights, and the work out clothes AND the food scale.
I do remind myself that he has supported my efforts in this way.
I am off to make a delicious lunch for myself.
This is why I hate giving internet advice on relationships, and hate seeing other people do it too.
He IS supporting your efforts...he's NOT supporting them emotionally. This means he's not the piece of $h!t controlling asshat the 23yr old woman from above is assuming he is. It means he's probably got some real insecurities and doesn't know how to deal with them.
We men can be very immature like that sometimes.
Have you told him his words hurt you? Have you told him you're trying to make positive changes in YOUR life and health, for both of you? If you have, and he's ignoring those attempts to communicate, you guys have other issues that go far beyond your weight loss and his insecurities, and you definitely need help with them, because those things don't get better with time, they almost invariably get worse.
If you (plural, not singular) can't communicate your feelings so that you both understand...what do you really have?
Yebb communicate. And honestly don't be afraid to tell him what he can't or can say.. or rather ask him not to say these things and ask him to compliment you instead. Mine was not behaving nicely at first but that was #1 because he was afraid I would force him to join me in calorie counting, #2 he didn't realise I needed verbal SUPPORT. He thought he was just being funny when he pointed out how silly I looked trying to exercise :P After a Talk he stopped for a while and replaced the teasing with occational compliment.. the teasing is back but now I at least know it's just teasing not trying to bring me down so I'm ok with it
If your SO is reasonable, then communication will solve this. If he isn't.. then he shouldn't be the SO much longer :P Either way, don't rely too heavily on advice from a forum.. support sure, just not advice. We don't know him.0
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