Dear I love you but really....
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I think another fear a lot of guys have is that their wife/girlfriend/etc (I don't use the webspeak acronyms like DW, DP, etc) will become so obsessed (in their minds) with fitness and diet that they will feel "negative" effects themselves; i.e. she won't want to go to Five Guys for dinner, or drink beer at the ballgame with him, or she'll expect HIM to start working out as much as she does, and cramp his style.
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yep, my ole man said it just like this!0 -
You can also try some reverse psychology.. start giving 'it' up more often.. attribute it to your new stamina!
Now THAT'S an idea I could get behind...0 -
I think another fear a lot of guys have is that their wife/girlfriend/etc (I don't use the webspeak acronyms like DW, DP, etc) will become so obsessed (in their minds) with fitness and diet that they will feel "negative" effects themselves; i.e. she won't want to go to Five Guys for dinner, or drink beer at the ballgame with him, or she'll expect HIM to start working out as much as she does, and cramp his style.
yep, my ole man said it just like this!
Basically, a fear that she won't be any fun anymore.
I could see myself being this way if I weren't also trying to lose weight as my wife is. Doing it together makes it MUCH easier for this and many other reasons.
Plus both of us believe in balance, and treating ourselves now and then. Probably a bit too much still, but we're working on it.0 -
BTW - "big bones" do exist. People have different frame sizes and their weight goals should (ideally) correspond with their frame size.
Big bones do not nescessarily correspond to a big frame. There are people that actually have 'big bones' but it is about 10% or less of people in the whole world. When people that are overweight say they have big bones, they usually do not unless they actually got x-rays done and a doctor said so himself.
Yep! and this is why TV makes jokes around it- family guy for example, use big bones as an excuse for being 'fat' because its a rarity and its funny and conventionally the first thing larger people try to blame, just like genetics!
Bigger frames are just a differently built body- not necessarily big bones
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Maybe he is scared your gonna look better and then want a better looking man too.0
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Thanks Ladies.
I just want to finish the program and sadly I ha ve been stupid enough to think I would get more support from him. He did buy me the program, he bought me the hand weights, and the work out clothes AND the food scale.
I do remind myself that he has supported my efforts in this way.
I am off to make a delicious lunch for myself.
This is why I hate giving internet advice on relationships, and hate seeing other people do it too.
He IS supporting your efforts...he's NOT supporting them emotionally. This means he's not the piece of $h!t controlling asshat the 23yr old woman from above is assuming he is. It means he's probably got some real insecurities and doesn't know how to deal with them.
We men can be very immature like that sometimes.
Have you told him his words hurt you? Have you told him you're trying to make positive changes in YOUR life and health, for both of you? If you have, and he's ignoring those attempts to communicate, you guys have other issues that go far beyond your weight loss and his insecurities, and you definitely need help with them, because those things don't get better with time, they almost invariably get worse.
If you (plural, not singular) can't communicate your feelings so that you both understand...what do you really have?
Good points. You may even actually tell him the things that will assist in motivating you. He may not know how to do so. He may have not had good examples of how to do so without criticism. Assist him since he is your Husband. You do need the positive support and maybe you can encourage him to join you. Also, check out other recipes for veggies, there is WAAAYYYY too much on this site alone to just eat salads.0 -
Thanks Ladies.
I just want to finish the program and sadly I ha ve been stupid enough to think I would get more support from him. He did buy me the program, he bought me the hand weights, and the work out clothes AND the food scale.
I do remind myself that he has supported my efforts in this way.
I am off to make a delicious lunch for myself.
Have you talked to him? Men have a habit of thinking they are helping by what they say. (they suck at the right thing to say most of the time) With all you have said and then this above it seems that he is genuinely trying to be supportive but I dont understand why he would say some of the things he says. Communication is key hunny. Good luck0 -
My ex-husband would come into our home gym and bother me when I was working out just to get me pissed so he could laugh and call me "J-Roid" (like I was on steroids and having roid rage...?). He was absolutely unsupportive. But his problem was self-hatred. Had nothing to do with me.0
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I agree - he's insecure and afraid you will leave him for someone who is nice. Since he's being such a butt! And he should be worried - you can only take so much. Tell him to shape up, keep his mouth shut and encourage you not tear you down. You just keep plugging along. I too and doing P90X and am just under 200 pounds at this point. Keep going and don't listen to the negative voices!0
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If he is nothing but negative ask him to kindly keep his opinions to himself. This is all about you. What he says or does doesn't matter. If he walked away tomorrow you would be left with you and that's whose opinion, goals etc matter. I am 43 yrs old and have just now learned this lesson. When I stopped worrying about what "he" thinks or feels, the weight keeps coming off, the confidence is soaring and I do not need him or anyone for that matter to validate me or my achievements. A side benefit to this has been he sees this change in me, no longer dependent on his approval and guess what? I get more compliments and good vibes and positive words now that I went sorta b!+ch selfish mode on him! lol Men love confidence. Confidence comes from believing in yourself. Love yourself, be proud of yourself and he will follow. AND if he doesn't, you will be confident enough to know he is one in a million others out there and kick his hiney to the curb!0
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My husband is similar in an odd way. He honestly doesn't realize he is hurtful when he sayss things. That said, I only workout on Weekdays because he always has something to say about me working out when he's home so I just don't bother on weekends. He asks me why I use protein powder, why I do this, that and the other thing. Its annoying but I just let it be.0
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First off, there is such a thing as 'big-boned'. Skeletal frames are different for everyone. I happen to be a tall woman with a skeletal frame above average for most women my size (I measured this on a website, not sure of the accuracy). Anyway, my point is that I'm not even sure if being in a normal range for my weight is going to be healthy for me. The same could be true for you and you shouldn't discount it just because the term 'big-boned' is so cliche.
Secondly, you need to talk to your SO. You need to let him know that you are completely capable of making choices for your own body and health. You need to also let him know that his behavior towards your health and physical fitness is bothering you and putting a strain on your relationship. Hopefully, he will understand and back off.
Best of luck! :flowerforyou:0 -
Thanks Ladies.
I just want to finish the program and sadly I ha ve been stupid enough to think I would get more support from him. He did buy me the program, he bought me the hand weights, and the work out clothes AND the food scale.
I do remind myself that he has supported my efforts in this way.
I am off to make a delicious lunch for myself.
This is why I hate giving internet advice on relationships, and hate seeing other people do it too.
He IS supporting your efforts...he's NOT supporting them emotionally. This means he's not the piece of $h!t controlling asshat the 23yr old woman from above is assuming he is. It means he's probably got some real insecurities and doesn't know how to deal with them.
We men can be very immature like that sometimes.
Have you told him his words hurt you? Have you told him you're trying to make positive changes in YOUR life and health, for both of you? If you have, and he's ignoring those attempts to communicate, you guys have other issues that go far beyond your weight loss and his insecurities, and you definitely need help with them, because those things don't get better with time, they almost invariably get worse.
If you (plural, not singular) can't communicate your feelings so that you both understand...what do you really have?
what he said ^^0 -
I see this in men when they are affraid if there women get thinner and younger looking that they will leave them , so he belittles the woman until she fails and just stays bigger or gets even more bigger. My husband didn't go this far but he wasn't really caring if I worked out or not . He told me he is affraid since I was so good looking when he met me that If I go back to that body I will find someone better and leave. Though I have promised not to do such a thing he still feels like it from time to time but now works out with me and asks to see my food list so if i cheat he can work out more with me. Your hubby may or may not know he is doing this or it could be something else all together . Keep up the good work so many people here will support you!0
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Talk to him! If you don't feel you can talk to him about it, then I think there may be an underlying problem. I know my husband needs some reminders of what I need from him some times. My husband works a very physical job while I work at a desk all day, he had a hard time supporting my healthier eating at first because he didn't understand it. Once I finally got him to admit that and I was able to explain it to him, he's been more understanding and supportive. He also used to come in the room while I was doing a video and say something like "you missed that move" or "you didn't do that right" until I turned around and said "Then you show me how" he couldn't do it either and I haven't heard anything but "I hope you had a good work out" or "How was your run? since.
I hope through talking to you dp you get the same results.0 -
i agree that you need to talk to your partner & make your feelings clear. Maybe he is oblivious & doesn't realize that he isn't helping. Kind of like the person who has no kids of their own but is an "Expert" on child-rearing... DH is not really supportive of me in my weight loss journey but i decided that i am doing this for myself & so i just ignore him when he says something negative or derogatory about it. i know that carrying less weight around will help me in the long run so i will be around longer to enjoy my children & that is worth everything in the world to me. Good Luck!0
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I'm sorry, could just be the mood i'm in BUT, I think your "DP" needs a pill called STFU. I'm sure you could find a really in-expensive one just for him....0
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I think its really tough for any of us to give you advice because we don't hear his tone or see his demeanor when he is critising/advising you. When my mom was diagnosed Diabetic my dad and all of her kids were really hard on her. We were hard on her everytime she ate something she shouldn't and everytime she forgot to take her pill. She would get so mad at us and feel like we were cutting her down (even though we did make an effort to tell her how great she was doing) but the goal was to manage with pills and diet and stay away from insulin...she will tell you know that she has successfully done this for 7 years that it was us staying on her so hard that helped keep her in line until she built up her own willpower and changed her habits for good. We also did things like only keep diabetic friendly foods in our own households that way she come to any of our homes and be able to stay for dinner or snack. Just like fighting diabetes...weight loss is a team effort. I get being selfish and in a way you have to, but I wonder if he is just honestly trying to push you and motivate you because he knows this is something that is healthiest for you and is what you want.
Is it possible that he is just going about it the wrong way and perhaps an open honest talk will help him change his approach? This would be my recommendation. But the bottom line is that without seeing or hearing him directly its hard to say whether he's being abusive or just doesn't really know how to approach motivating and encouraging you.
On a side note...your significant other should always make you feel sexy and desired no matter your size, shape, or health level. :flowerforyou:0 -
Thanks Ladies.
I just want to finish the program and sadly I ha ve been stupid enough to think I would get more support from him. He did buy me the program, he bought me the hand weights, and the work out clothes AND the food scale.
I do remind myself that he has supported my efforts in this way.
I am off to make a delicious lunch for myself.
This is why I hate giving internet advice on relationships, and hate seeing other people do it too.
He IS supporting your efforts...he's NOT supporting them emotionally. This means he's not the piece of $h!t controlling asshat the 23yr old woman from above is assuming he is. It means he's probably got some real insecurities and doesn't know how to deal with them.
We men can be very immature like that sometimes.
Have you told him his words hurt you? Have you told him you're trying to make positive changes in YOUR life and health, for both of you? If you have, and he's ignoring those attempts to communicate, you guys have other issues that go far beyond your weight loss and his insecurities, and you definitely need help with them, because those things don't get better with time, they almost invariably get worse.
If you (plural, not singular) can't communicate your feelings so that you both understand...what do you really have?
Actually buying the weights and all the equipment FOR her is the exact thing a controlling A$$hat person would do, and the reason being so that when/if she ever brought up the subject of him not "supporting" her efforst...then he could simply remind her that HE bought all of her equipment...which also means that he could just as easily take it back. Just my experience, that's all.0 -
I haven't read all of the comments but I really appreciate the perspective and advice I have read so far.
To answer your questions DP = Domestic Partner...as we aren't married. We are a heterocouple in the event you are trying ti figure that out LOL.
Is he overweight....slightly. He's lost nearly 60lbs since he and I have been together...without exercising or changing his diet.0 -
Thanks Ladies.
I just want to finish the program and sadly I ha ve been stupid enough to think I would get more support from him. He did buy me the program, he bought me the hand weights, and the work out clothes AND the food scale.
I do remind myself that he has supported my efforts in this way.
I am off to make a delicious lunch for myself.
This is why I hate giving internet advice on relationships, and hate seeing other people do it too.
He IS supporting your efforts...he's NOT supporting them emotionally. This means he's not the piece of $h!t controlling asshat the 23yr old woman from above is assuming he is. It means he's probably got some real insecurities and doesn't know how to deal with them.
We men can be very immature like that sometimes.
Have you told him his words hurt you? Have you told him you're trying to make positive changes in YOUR life and health, for both of you? If you have, and he's ignoring those attempts to communicate, you guys have other issues that go far beyond your weight loss and his insecurities, and you definitely need help with them, because those things don't get better with time, they almost invariably get worse.
If you (plural, not singular) can't communicate your feelings so that you both understand...what do you really have?
Actually buying the weights and all the equipment FOR her is the exact thing a controlling A$$hat person would do, and the reason being so that when/if she ever brought up the subject of him not "supporting" her efforst...then he could simply remind her that HE bought all of her equipment...which also means that he could just as easily take it back. Just my experience, that's all.
Umm...yes, definitely in a mood lol.0 -
As someone who dated a girl in the process of weight loss, i can say with confidence he is totally insecure with himself, your weight loss is bringing it out in him. he should be a man and cheer his bloody head off for every lb you lose. tell him to grow up and support you or get out.0
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It sounds like he's scared your going to lose weight and leave him.
Or my upthread suggestion - that he feels her new diet and lifestyle will "cramp" his style, or limit the "fun" things they used to do - no more going to Five Guys for burgers, or tossing down beer at the ballgame, etc. Or that he'll feel compelled to work out and eat better, things he doesn't wish to do.
Lots of guys would rather have a fat, fun girl than an uptight (in their mind), health-obsessed thin one.
I couldn't NOT comment.
DP and I have alwasy been big on eating Junk together. Its always been our thing...wings, beer, pizza, long walks thorugh the grocery store. LOL. He's not going to lose that in me...just I refuse to eat fried wings....and I don't need four beers to be fun.
I doubt he'll ever work out...EVER we were members of a gym for 4 years (just $25/month for the whole family) and he went there to watch our middle child play hockey.
Perhaps its his own insecurity.0 -
I find many guys are critical because it is thier way to control women.
I don't know if that's the case with this guy, but AMEN! You have absolutely hit the nail on the head. Control.0 -
I find many guys are critical because it is thier way to control women.
I don't know if that's the case with this guy, but AMEN! You have absolutely hit the nail on the head. Control.
You have absolutely made an absolutely false blanket statement about all men.
Bravo.0 -
I find many guys are critical because it is thier way to control women.
I don't know if that's the case with this guy, but AMEN! You have absolutely hit the nail on the head. Control.
You have absolutely made an absolutely false blanket statement about all men.
Bravo.
She didn't say all she said many, and unfortunately, it is true.0 -
I find many guys are critical because it is thier way to control women.
I don't know if that's the case with this guy, but AMEN! You have absolutely hit the nail on the head. Control.
You have absolutely made an absolutely false blanket statement about all men.
Bravo.
She didn't say all she said many, and unfortunately, it is true.
That is entirely possible.
I will also add, that many women are judgmental and very quick to throw the 'control' argument out there. It's a lable that's applied to far, far too many men...often without anything but incidental evidence.0 -
Here's just a short list of the stuff I no longer do with my boyfriend:
Go to movies and share popcorn
Eat wings or burgers on the weekend
Go to the pub or out for dinner
Watch TV at night
Sleep in
Sunday morning brunches
Sunday drives
Cook elaborate dinners together
Watch the food network
Make delicious meals (or his version of delicious)
He is not unsupportive at all. In fact he recently gave me a congratulations card for pursuing something that made me happy and bought me a gift card to a clothing store saying "well since we don't go out to dinner anymore I thought you could buy some new clothes" (This is huge - he has never cared about clothing).
But with that being just a short version of the list of stuff we no longer do together - look at all the lifestyle changes I've caused for him! Not to mention that he is aware I have a lot more confidence now and appreciate the second looks I now get. He's mostly embraced the clean, no red meat, wheat free, quinoa and vegetable diet I try and stick to.. but a lot of what we were as a couple has completely changed. I've changed in a lot of different ways. We spend a LOT more time apart doing our own thing. I want different things out of my life than I did before.
For someone who was comfortable and mostly satisfied with his life (though he's not exactly the picture of perfect health), I've completely altered his world. He's very confident, but I know it has made him look inwards at his own life goals and fitness - something he may or may not have been ready to do.
I think communication is the key for the original poster. Figure out for yourself what you want and why and acknowledge how this may or may not change things between you and how you can use these changes to grow closer... if you want to. Then go to him and have that honest discussion.
Good luck!0 -
I'll be honest.. he really hates quinoa. :laugh:0
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I am sooo sick of my DP and his comments about my body. When he met me I was knocking the scales at nearly 200. I lost about 20lbs prior to getting pregnant. I HAVE NEVER BEEN SMALL.
I was born overweight and stayed that way more of my life. Looking back I gained about 25lbs between 8th and 9th grade.
I am 28 years old now, and to hear him talk the idea of me ever getting smaller is impossible. He doesn't understand I am NOT BIG BONED...that's the lie people tell fat girls. your bones aren't big.......I am freaking overweight and telling me my thighs will continue to be the size of the average male waiste isn't motivation.
Then to top it off he doesn't shut up about my diet. I have been supplementign with protein. Without the supplements I'd have to eat double the amount of meat I already do. He complains that it will make me bigger and its a waste of money. Not really true considering a scoop of 25gram protein is about $.50 while 25 grams of protein from Chicken is about $2.
I eat protein bars SOMETIMES. They are my snacks, I get the ones with sugar alcohol in them instead of sugar. He tells me what a waste of money they are and I should just eat fruit instead. I do eat fruit but only 1 to 2 servings a day...and at least 3 servings of vegetables a day.
Then he tells me how miserable I look eating salad. Its true I am sick of mixed greens in a bowl....but I hate most other veggies. And as much as I'd like to eat a 1/4lb hamburger, with fries and a REAL COKE..its not something I can eat right now.
am overweight.
Then he gives me greif about working out. I do P90X..>I am in the first phase. The work outs are about an hour long. Its one stinking hour of the day I am not sitting down in front of the computer or doing house work but he has an opinion of the fact I lift 5lb weights and do push ups.
Why....is he so critical I have no idea. Is he afraid I might actually squeeze fat *kitten* into a bathing suit this summer...I don't know what his motivation is really. I just wished he'd understand and STOP badgering me about it.
Instead of posting it on here, why not tell him? Or move on w/ your life.0
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