Off topic but feeling sad Wedding cancelled
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You are the only person who can decide if the marriage issue is a relationship breaker. It sounds like you are aching to find some kind of understanding as to why he is doing this AGAIN but you are not able to find any answers. I agree completely that everything you have listed is just an excuse - none of them are real reasons. It is a testament to your strength of hope that you are still willing to work things out and believe in him one more time. If he won't talk to you try writting him a letter...no blame...no past fails...just what has happened NOW and how that makes you feel. He may not realize how much he is hurting you...and if he does realize that and he's doing it anyway then quite frankly you deserve better. There is always a way out, there are other jobs, there are other homes, there are always options, there is always help, so you don't need to feel trapped, but this decision is yours and your alone, no one else can make it for you.0
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This guy sounds really dismissive and negative toward you when you discuss marriage. Does he act this way when you discuss other subjects. I could see how this effects your weight loss. Lets be honest a lot of us have ****ty self esteem and this negativity feeds right into it. I have no idea what your relationship is like, but I suggest you look really closely at it in terms of your emotional health.0
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Disclaimer: I am in a really tumultuous marriage and am a hypocrite for posting this but I'm going to anyway.
1. You're afraid to be single and homeless, but if you left him for 2.5 years before, where did you live?
2. Your relationship with him is unhealthy. I've read through some of your other forum posts and he seems incredibly controlling. He doesn't want you to exercise, spend too much time with your mother, etc... He also doesn't want to have date nights with you. Why?? Also, you seem to be both defensive about a lot of the answers people are giving you AND super willing to make sure people know he's a bad person. You are apparently obsessed with the idea of marriage, so much so that I think it's clouded your judgement. Ask yourself this: WHY do you want to marry him? "He said we'd get married if I move back in" isn't really an answer.
3. If he refuses to discuss your problems, NOTHING, let me just repeat that, nothing will ever be resolved between the two of you. Stuff doesn't just work itself out. So maybe you should ask yourself why you aren't considering leaving him after this. You don't want to be a single parent? I can't imagine many people do, but you will survive.
4. By allowing yourself to remain unhappy, you are hurting yourself and possibly your children. Kids freaking hate to see their parents unhappy. I watched it way too many times and it sucks massively.
5. If, rather than actually read my comments and take them to heart, you are going to reply with "BUT HE WON'T TALK TO ME" then you really shouldn't have posted this in the first place.
I really hope you can work this out for yourself. I would be miserable in that kind of relationship.
Now, I'm off to go call some other kettle black.0 -
If marriage is important to you then consider leaving him. Honestly, if you stay and never work through this it is just going to eat you up inside wondering why he won't make that committment to you. Some people are perfectly fine with never marrying their mate and that's fine if it works for you. No one should judge you for wanting to be married. I completely understand why you are so upset because I would be too.0
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While I cannot relate totally, I can say that my now husband got cold feet once. It was nerve wracking, so I can imagine some of the pain you must be feeling. For me it worked out, I patiently waited 24 months after his original proposal to start planning the wedding. Almost 4 years married now but it isn't easy, part of me wonders if he regrets going through with it.....
So all that to say, I would suggest you guys get into couples counselling. With your lives so intertwined you have limited options of leaving and maybe marriage isn't in the cards, maybe it doesn't have to be if you're both making each other happy. Good luck to you!0 -
reading other posts, and getting some more back story... if he is scared you will find someone else, I wonder if he doesn't want to get married, because you will (dunno the laws in UK) be able to fight him for money, go after him for child support, try to take half the business, etc. Not being married might be his way of protecting his *kitten* from losing money if anything like that were to happen.0
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.There are things worse than "no job" and "no house". One being "non self-esteem: and another "no love".
I might not choose to make a rash decision and leave abruptly, but I would definately begin to establish a new life for me and my child that did not include living and working with my child's father.
I would immediately begin to look for another job. Once secured, I would then look for housing I could afford on my new salary. Then I would move out and only have relationship with this man in a way that fostered a healthy relationship for my child with her father.
Then, I would look for a TRUE LOVE, and LIFE PARTNER for myself that I could trust and that wanted to be honest and desire tp meet my needs as well as their own.
This is how I'm starting to feel thing is ges passing his marriage phobia as my blame my fault but he was like this before me with the last 2 I found out
One was too old, one was too ugly that's why he didn't marry them ?
I talk to much about any issues we have sometimes that's his reason0 -
Personally, I would start looking for a "second" job outside the business, and take that money, sock it away, and then after you have a "nest egg", I would sit down talk to him, and say exactly how your feeling, and if he still gives you the same reasons say, that's fine, I'm moving on...and go!! You can't spend you life waiting for something that may never happen...Life is toooo short!!! You have to do what makes you happy...If he's it, then just deal with the situation and the fact he may never marry you...How important is it to you??? Time to do some really hard soul searching and decide what it is you want out of life. But eating won't help anything. So for a run, or something that you enjoy. Clear your head!!!0
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LEAVE!! You need to understand this man will NEVER marry you. You will either be unhappy in this situation or happy out of it. Of course you have to start planning to leave, don't just walk into a shelter in the middle of the night. Once your at a point where you have enough to sustain than make your move.
Finally the voice of reason!0 -
Why doesn't he want to marry you?
Because that's what YOU want and by jerking you around (agreeing to it, then backing out repeatedly), he is showing you who is in control.
Hint: It's not you.
Another hint: It will never be you, in this relationship.
Been there, got the Tshirt.0 -
Thanks for all your replies I've read them all bu as said only he knows why and he won't truly say
Lpoking deeper into this he doesn't like me going out alone ie Zumba or coffee with my mum
And btw the poster who said I called him a bad man I never have?
He seems insecure and I suppose he maybe thinking I'll leave him and he'll lose X amount if divorced ?
He was cheated on by his first love and she left him he was very very low and since then he has commitment issues
I will not comfort eat I will plan a future but I will explain to him how much he's hurt me again, he'll reply it's my fault keep on
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What he's doing is called blameshifting. Making you think things are your fault when they are not. How is it your fault he doesn't want to get married? It's not. This is not healthy in a relationship.
A marriage is a relationship which is an equal partnership (however a couple decides to split the responsibilities). You two are not equal, he is controlling. You can't go to zumba? You can't see your mother? I would tell my husband right where to stick it if he told me what I could and couldn't do. If he had a conversation with me, maybe it would be a different story, but your boyfriend is not having a conversation, he's controlling.
You deserve better. Read the sentence again. Now read it one more time.
Can I ask a horrible question, but sorry, it's what I thought of....is he cheating?0 -
Hi I've been with my guy 9 years July coming we have a daughter & a business together
We were meant to be getting Married at Christmas this year church booked
But he wasn't really interested in any of it
He's never been married he's 45 I'm 42 we've been engaged 4 times as he wouldn't marry me numourous reasons but this time he said we will be married.
I started to arrange things asked his help he just kept saying I'll do it next week then that turned into 5 weeks if saying the same
So last night he said there's too many problems so us getting married now isn't ok
So I cancelled the church car registry office notice and reception venue
He was like Why? I said he said he didn't want to marry yet, he said it was my fault keep talking about it?
Now I feel empty 9 years and he I see has a commitment problem
I know I'll probably get trolls shout at me but has anyone else gone through this I love him
So we will stay together but marriage means a lot to me
To leave I'd have to split the family up be homeless and jobless
It obviously looks like he has commitment issues. Perhaps he's not cheating, but not being able to marry is a sign of serious underlying issues in him. My suggestion is that he need therapy. You should mention this, and if he refuses, I think it may be time to move on. Because if he can't help himself and realize how much he's hurting people around him, how in the world is he going to be there for you?
This isn't normal. I've been dating my boyfriend for over ten years, and he constantly tells me how much he wants to marry me. We are unable to due to our current economic situation. You deserve to be happy.
EDIT: Just read about him fearing alimony if there is a divorce. There's always a prenup.0 -
What he's doing is called blameshifting. Making you think things are your fault when they are not. How is it your fault he doesn't want to get married? It's not. This is not healthy in a relationship.
A marriage is a relationship which is an equal partnership (however a couple decides to split the responsibilities). You two are not equal, he is controlling. You can't go to zumba? You can't see your mother? I would tell my husband right where to stick it if he told me what I could and couldn't do. If he had a conversation with me, maybe it would be a different story, but your boyfriend is not having a conversation, he's controlling.
You deserve better. Read the sentence again. Now read it one more time.
Can I ask a horrible question, but sorry, it's what I thought of....is he cheating?
If he's cheating he must be sneaking them in when I'm asleep as we spend 24/7 together in the same house we live in our business0 -
this ^^^0
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This isn't about a wedding. He has the same fear that most men do regarding that type of commitment. It's called Fear of the Unknown. Whether he comes from a divorced home, or he's surrounded by friends with broken marriages or eternal bachelors, he thinks that if he marries you, then his life is going to change in a way that he can't control, and he'll be trapped. Trust me on this.
But you can fix this. Let's break it down.
You judge a man by his actions, not his words. You live together and you have children and a business. If he is there every day, paying bills, coming home at night and being good to you and the kids, then he's not going anywhere. But he has to know that he can trust you. Did you know statistically that in 80% of marriages, the women have to initiate the proposal? Men and women can look at commitment differently. It sounds to me that he has outside forces clouding his judgement, or he could be very stubborn. Probably both.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting to get married, so don't change your mind. Sure you did things backwards, and this situation you're in now is one of the reasons to try to follow normal steps in life, if you can. It makes it easier. My husband did the same thing that your guy is doing. I knew he wasn't going anywhere, but he was terrified of marriage (in his early 40s at the time, and neither of us had ever been married, but that's what I wanted). So this is what I did.
First of you, you have to explain to him why you want to be married. You tell him it's because you love him and can't imagine your life without him. Tell him that being married to him would only make you happy, and that his life would only change for the better. Tell him that you want him to be comfortable, so you are willing to take it very slow until he is ready. Then go and buy two books. One is called '1001 questions to ask before you get married' and the other is called "Don't you dare get married until you read this." These books can be found on Amazon. Then put aside 10-15 minutes every night after dinner and tell him that he can ask you anything he wants, because you want him to be sure. It's all about baby steps.
Tell him that if he proposes (for the last time), that you promise not to fuss over wedding plans or even mention the word wedding for six months. Let him get used to the idea of being engaged.
Suggest a wedding that he would want to attend, whether it be on a camping trip, darts at the pub, whatever. That is just one day. The goal here is to get married, because one he is married to you, and realize that nothing changes at all, except that things just feel sweeter, that if one of you is in the hospital, that the other has the right to make decisions for you, that you have more respect from banks when you want to take out loans, that you want your children to know that this man that you love is your husband, not your boyfriend.
When you have these conversations with him, make sure it's a time when he's relaxed. Don't get angry, don't get defensive, don't pout, don't get frustrated... or he will clam up immediately. I had to do all of this with my now husband, and even at the alter, he looked terrified. Right after the wedding, I walked him back to a back room and gave him a drink, and in ten minutes he was fine. That was six years ago. You have more power than you realize, you just need to know how to use it. I wish you well!0 -
Thanks for all your replies I've read them all bu as said only he knows why and he won't truly say
Lpoking deeper into this he doesn't like me going out alone ie Zumba or coffee with my mum
And btw the poster who said I called him a bad man I never have?
He seems insecure and I suppose he maybe thinking I'll leave him and he'll lose X amount if divorced ?
He was cheated on by his first love and she left him he was very very low and since then he has commitment issues
I will not comfort eat I will plan a future but I will explain to him how much he's hurt me again, he'll reply it's my fault keep on
x
You sure this isn't a power and control issue vs a commitment issue? Carefully consider if this relationship might be bordering on or is emotionally abusive. *hugs* Best of luck...0 -
He needs to *kitten* or get off the pot.0
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He won't marry me it seems big small or teeny ceremony
It's very hard to leave sone one you love & have a family with
He won't talk it through says I'm moaning at him which ever way I ask he doesn't want it mentioned, if I never mentioned it again the subject would never be talked about
Wish it was different just really want to get past this empty feeling so I don't comfort eat
The issue here is not wanting to get married or not. If he won't even listen to you talk about how it makes you feel, there is a deeper and larger problem here, and getting married would be a horrible mistake.0 -
Totally agree. He doesn't want to marry you - why do you want to marry him. I get the business and the child together, but those aren't reasons to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Just my 2 cents.I'm going to be the dissenter in this group and say, get rid of this dude. He's not even trying to meet you half way. You can do bad all by yourself. You can be in business by yourself and find a way to live on your own. You can find happiness without him and maybe even meet someone else that is a nice guy. When a man tells you the truth, believe him.0 -
Out of curiosity, why is getting married so important to you? (Which I will understand, that's what I want as well, even though some of my friends say "oh it's just a piece of paper").
My other question, aside from this marriage thing, are you really happy in the relationship?
Excellent question!!
To me it proper commitment , happy other than this yes
He even said us being married is the final part we will be complete a proper family then in a flash he bolts and changes his mind saying he doesn't want to get married so I cancel
It and he's like 'WHAT' then I say you said so he said yes but it's your fault
He doesn't do 'talking' communication isn't a string point where as I am
Very open to solving things if there's a tiff he'll stonewall & sulk I talk ha so that's why it's my fault he doesn't want to talk through things?
I understand proper commitment, but if this is the only thing in the relationship making you unhappy you have to decide is that worth destroying what you have? If you truly are happy in every other way with this guy then you should try to find a way to let this go (at least for now) and try to move forward in your relationship. You two have been together 9 years, have a kid, and a business together. Those 3 things together to me say it's a pretty big commitment. It's not legally binding, but sometimes that's not a bad thing. Divorces are hard on all parties and very costly. So if you truly are happy with him in every other way but this, I would say try to find a way to view marriage as just a piece of paper, and who needs a piece of paper telling them that what you two have is love? You two obviously have that.0 -
I think that you should leave. Yes, it would be splitting up your family and you would have to find a different job, but you seem like a person that wants someone to grow old with and do things with and talk with. He doesn't seem very interested in doing any of these things. Yes, he has a child, but that seems to be the only committment that he wants to make. You need to move on with your life even though it will be very, very painful. I don't know what that is like, but I have heard stories from others on how hard this can be. You need to do what is best for you and your child. Good luck!0
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You're already married. I don't see the point of this, to be honest.0
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You need to decide if you want to be with him more than you want to be married to him.
I was in the same situation 20 years ago, when I started making wedding plans he didn't want to participate. I soon realized I wanted to be married more than he did. I moved on, got married, had kids, got divorced. He never married but is in a long term relationship. It was the best move for me then, and for me now. I've been divorced 15 years and am single, I wouldn't date anyone that didn't want to eventually get married, that's just the way I feel, and I can't help that that's what I want.0 -
I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but if marriage was a requirement to you, you wouldn't have agreed to create a child, a business, and a home together. Since you can't change his mind on marriage, and apparently you really love him and want to stay with him, I think you should consider looking at the time you've already invested in one another and realize that he's probably not going to go away any time soon.
Or maybe you could talk him into a small ceremony with a justice of the peace.0 -
Wow, 9 years and multiple engagements and still not married... I hate to say this since you have so much invested in this relationship, but he is not going to marry you. When he tells you it is your fault, he is making excuses and trying to blame you for his inabliity to commit to you so he doesn't feel guilty.
Marriage is NOT just a piece of paper it is a committment and a promise as well as a legal relationship with implications for your child, assets and future. He is not willing or able to make either, it is time to move on. My husband dated a woman for 7 years and they lived together for at least 2 years. They broke up multiple times, it was during their last break up that we met. We started dating and she called him about 2 weeks later and wanted to get back together. He told her no that he had met the woman he was going to marry. We got engaged 3 months after meeting each other, had a 1 1/2 engagement and we are still happily married 20 years later. There is nothing better that being with the right person, don't compromise, love and compromise don't go together...
If you decide to leave, get your ducks in a row before you leave.
Good luck, I know this post was hard for you to write.0 -
I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but if marriage was a requirement to you, you wouldn't have agreed to create a child, a business, and a home together. Since you can't change his mind on marriage, and apparently you really love him and want to stay with him, I think you should consider looking at the time you've already invested in one another and realize that he's probably not going to go away any time soon.
Or maybe you could talk him into a small ceremony with a justice of the peace.
I agree. I mean you've already done all that is normally included in a marriage so I guess my opinion is if you INSIST on staying with him then you're going to just have to talk to him about it or accept you're not going to be marrying him.0 -
Marriage is only a committment in a world where divorce doesn't exist. Honestly it's no different than dating with a few legal hurdles thrown in to make it a pain.
Most women who "just want to get married" have a 5 years old girl's fantasy party in mind where they're a special princess for a day. It's not how adults view real relationships.
Not bashing you. Just saying what's more important? The guy you love and father of your child or a social function?0 -
I disagree that he doesn't have commitment issues simply because he has a child and business with you. It sounds to me like communication is the big issue here. You need to get to couples counseling to figure out if it is talking about anything in general that is hard for him or talking about the wedding specifically is what bothers him. I hear your frustration. I have been divorced for 7 years and would love to be married again. It's hard but I am determined not to settle just because I want to be married. Good luck
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Marriage is overrated.0
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