Off topic but feeling sad Wedding cancelled

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  • _HeartsOnFire_
    _HeartsOnFire_ Posts: 5,304 Member
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    Out of curiosity, why is getting married so important to you? (Which I will understand, that's what I want as well, even though some of my friends say "oh it's just a piece of paper").

    My other question, aside from this marriage thing, are you really happy in the relationship?

    Excellent question!!

    To me it proper commitment , happy other than this yes
    He even said us being married is the final part we will be complete a proper family then in a flash he bolts and changes his mind saying he doesn't want to get married so I cancel
    It and he's like 'WHAT' then I say you said so he said yes but it's your fault
    He doesn't do 'talking' communication isn't a string point where as I am
    Very open to solving things if there's a tiff he'll stonewall & sulk I talk ha so that's why it's my fault he doesn't want to talk through things?



    I understand proper commitment, but if this is the only thing in the relationship making you unhappy you have to decide is that worth destroying what you have? If you truly are happy in every other way with this guy then you should try to find a way to let this go (at least for now) and try to move forward in your relationship. You two have been together 9 years, have a kid, and a business together. Those 3 things together to me say it's a pretty big commitment. It's not legally binding, but sometimes that's not a bad thing. Divorces are hard on all parties and very costly. So if you truly are happy with him in every other way but this, I would say try to find a way to view marriage as just a piece of paper, and who needs a piece of paper telling them that what you two have is love? You two obviously have that.
  • awolf2011
    awolf2011 Posts: 265 Member
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    I think that you should leave. Yes, it would be splitting up your family and you would have to find a different job, but you seem like a person that wants someone to grow old with and do things with and talk with. He doesn't seem very interested in doing any of these things. Yes, he has a child, but that seems to be the only committment that he wants to make. You need to move on with your life even though it will be very, very painful. I don't know what that is like, but I have heard stories from others on how hard this can be. You need to do what is best for you and your child. Good luck!
  • neverstray
    neverstray Posts: 3,845 Member
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    You're already married. I don't see the point of this, to be honest.
  • NewTeena
    NewTeena Posts: 154 Member
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    You need to decide if you want to be with him more than you want to be married to him.

    I was in the same situation 20 years ago, when I started making wedding plans he didn't want to participate. I soon realized I wanted to be married more than he did. I moved on, got married, had kids, got divorced. He never married but is in a long term relationship. It was the best move for me then, and for me now. I've been divorced 15 years and am single, I wouldn't date anyone that didn't want to eventually get married, that's just the way I feel, and I can't help that that's what I want.
  • secretlobster
    secretlobster Posts: 3,566 Member
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    I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but if marriage was a requirement to you, you wouldn't have agreed to create a child, a business, and a home together. Since you can't change his mind on marriage, and apparently you really love him and want to stay with him, I think you should consider looking at the time you've already invested in one another and realize that he's probably not going to go away any time soon.

    Or maybe you could talk him into a small ceremony with a justice of the peace.
  • rdy2lose
    rdy2lose Posts: 106
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    Wow, 9 years and multiple engagements and still not married... I hate to say this since you have so much invested in this relationship, but he is not going to marry you. When he tells you it is your fault, he is making excuses and trying to blame you for his inabliity to commit to you so he doesn't feel guilty.

    Marriage is NOT just a piece of paper it is a committment and a promise as well as a legal relationship with implications for your child, assets and future. He is not willing or able to make either, it is time to move on. My husband dated a woman for 7 years and they lived together for at least 2 years. They broke up multiple times, it was during their last break up that we met. We started dating and she called him about 2 weeks later and wanted to get back together. He told her no that he had met the woman he was going to marry. We got engaged 3 months after meeting each other, had a 1 1/2 engagement and we are still happily married 20 years later. There is nothing better that being with the right person, don't compromise, love and compromise don't go together...

    If you decide to leave, get your ducks in a row before you leave.

    Good luck, I know this post was hard for you to write.
  • deadstarsunburn
    deadstarsunburn Posts: 1,337 Member
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    I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but if marriage was a requirement to you, you wouldn't have agreed to create a child, a business, and a home together. Since you can't change his mind on marriage, and apparently you really love him and want to stay with him, I think you should consider looking at the time you've already invested in one another and realize that he's probably not going to go away any time soon.

    Or maybe you could talk him into a small ceremony with a justice of the peace.

    I agree. I mean you've already done all that is normally included in a marriage so I guess my opinion is if you INSIST on staying with him then you're going to just have to talk to him about it or accept you're not going to be marrying him.
  • BrettPGH
    BrettPGH Posts: 4,720 Member
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    Marriage is only a committment in a world where divorce doesn't exist. Honestly it's no different than dating with a few legal hurdles thrown in to make it a pain.

    Most women who "just want to get married" have a 5 years old girl's fantasy party in mind where they're a special princess for a day. It's not how adults view real relationships.

    Not bashing you. Just saying what's more important? The guy you love and father of your child or a social function?
  • jenng38
    jenng38 Posts: 105
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    I disagree that he doesn't have commitment issues simply because he has a child and business with you. It sounds to me like communication is the big issue here. You need to get to couples counseling to figure out if it is talking about anything in general that is hard for him or talking about the wedding specifically is what bothers him. I hear your frustration. I have been divorced for 7 years and would love to be married again. It's hard but I am determined not to settle just because I want to be married. Good luck :smile:
  • opus649
    opus649 Posts: 633 Member
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    Marriage is overrated.
  • hamiltonba
    hamiltonba Posts: 474 Member
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    Why do you think it is YOU tearing the family up if you broke up. I'm also confused as to why you would be homeless. Many people do not want to go to counciling - but why don't you go by yourself?? It sounds like you don't want to leave him at all - you just want him to change and want to get married. Leaving him because you think he will change his mind is not the answer. I think you need to work on yourself and find out what you want in life and what makes you happy. Yes, if you too love each other, he isn't abusive and he doesn't cheat and you get along well, no, I wouldn't leave, but I would certainly get help. Why do you want to stay w/a man that you feel won't commit? How come you moved in w/him without marrying him if it is so important to you? You have a lot to think about. I am so sorry you are hurting, but maybe if you go to counciling alone, you can figure out some of your issues and maybe he'll come around (maybe he won't). Good luck.
  • mzhokie
    mzhokie Posts: 349 Member
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    Some others have said this but I would find out what the issue is..... is it the wedding or is it being married? BIG difference between the two. I was wedding adverse. The thought of having a wedding would cause me to stress out so much. So we eloped to Vegas. I still stressed but it was something I could handle. But to be honest, I could care less is we were married but for a few legal reasons and tax benefits, it made sense.

    If you have kids together, you need to have some legal documents drawn up if you aren't going to get married. You need wills, power of attorney, etc. You need legal documents to establish who gets the kids in case of emergency. You could run into some of the same legal issue that same sex couples run into so talk to a lawyer. Seriously, I would make sure you have every thing taken care in case something happens to either one of you. Morbid I know but you can't be too careful with kids.

    If he is scared of commitment/marriage etc. then there are some bigger issues there. Either get counseling, get help, or get out. As much as all of it scared the crap out of me............... I loved my husband way too much not to marry him. There comes a point where not changing is scarier than changing. He obviously hasn't hit that point. I don't think you should give him an ultimatum but you need to give him a push. I'm sure you have told him how important this is to you but you have to make sure he hears you and understand. Make sure you are telling him the real reasons why this is important.... try not to put too much emotion into it. Just logically lay it all out for him in a very calm manner. That's what I need and then I need time to think about it.

    I might help if you go to counseling first so you can understand what it is you want and how to approach him about it. Sometimes you need an impartial person to help you see what you can't see yourself.

    And to quote Dr Phil (sort of) You have set it up this way. You have made it okay for him to stay with you and not get married. The situation you are in is because you have set it up that way!!! I tell you the first few times I heard him say that and explain that it was a real eye opener for me. His other favorite quote is "If Momma isn't happy, no body is happy!" Remember, you are Momma!

    Also in some states, after so many years................. you are married, common law marriage. Again, this might be a good thing to talk to a lawyer about.
  • jenng38
    jenng38 Posts: 105
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    and I disagree with Brettpgh. Marriage is not just a big social event for women. Maybe that's what it means to him but to most of us it is a lot more than being princess for a day. I'm sure that's not all it is to you. I'm sorry you are having these troubles but he definitely has commitment issues and for him to blame you just means he doesn't want to deal with his issues. If you can get him to couples counseling that would be great. Good luck.
  • imagineseven
    imagineseven Posts: 3
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    I have not been in you exact situation, sometime leaving might be best. Everyone deserves to be happy that inculdes you. At one point in my life a made a decsion to splitted my family as a single parent, to the point, I did become homless while going to school and working. I had to live in my car. But God does work in mysterious ways. People do come out of no where to help. This made me a stronger peron and show to take risk in order to move forward. The aftermath.......Im an RN, my family is back on track.....Im happier. Now, the man you with and invested so much time.....is not putting the same investment. Before you take that risk. See if there are true friends and family that can support you, find programs and legal help abut your bussiness that maybe if you can buy out so you have some money in you pocket. Belive in yourself that you will be it together. And understand that love dont pay the bills, and love, true love goes both ways. I sure the person that is paying games with you know he playing with the wrong woman, you will go through hell. When the smoke is clear you will have a whole new respect for yourself and that he will do the same. Dont take that **** for no one. Wish you the best of happiness. Raina
  • greasygriddle_wechnage
    greasygriddle_wechnage Posts: 246 Member
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    *******When a man shows you who he is, that my darling, is who he IS. Period.*********
  • yoovie
    yoovie Posts: 17,121 Member
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    *******When a man shows you who he is, that my darling, is who he IS. Period.*********
  • BrettPGH
    BrettPGH Posts: 4,720 Member
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    and I disagree with Brettpgh. Marriage is not just a big social event for women. Maybe that's what it means to him but to most of us it is a lot more than being princess for a day. I'm sure that's not all it is to you. I'm sorry you are having these troubles but he definitely has commitment issues and for him to blame you just means he doesn't want to deal with his issues. If you can get him to couples counseling that would be great. Good luck.

    Well if we want to call people out...

    You can see from her post just how much of a "committment" marriage is. She's already had one and she's working on her second. Yep. Total life long committment that marriage stuff. I have no idea what I'm talking about, clearly.

    The guy who's been with you these past 9 years, he's committed to you. Don't let internet strangers tell you otherwise.
  • Brandicaloriecountess
    Brandicaloriecountess Posts: 2,126 Member
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    Gosh I am sorry.
  • munkey418
    munkey418 Posts: 139
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    He won't marry me it seems big small or teeny ceremony

    It's very hard to leave sone one you love & have a family with

    He won't talk it through says I'm moaning at him which ever way I ask he doesn't want it mentioned, if I never mentioned it again the subject would never be talked about

    Wish it was different just really want to get past this empty feeling so I don't comfort eat

    The issue here is not wanting to get married or not. If he won't even listen to you talk about how it makes you feel, there is a deeper and larger problem here, and getting married would be a horrible mistake.

    ^^^ agree
  • WhittRak
    WhittRak Posts: 572 Member
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    and I disagree with Brettpgh. Marriage is not just a big social event for women. Maybe that's what it means to him but to most of us it is a lot more than being princess for a day. I'm sure that's not all it is to you. I'm sorry you are having these troubles but he definitely has commitment issues and for him to blame you just means he doesn't want to deal with his issues. If you can get him to couples counseling that would be great. Good luck.

    THIS!

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