Husband wants to take over my gym time- advice

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  • BmoreGinger
    BmoreGinger Posts: 18
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    Okay... WOW. Like some previous posts, I am sorry if this sounds mean, but your husband IS being VERY selfish. Your husband is probably unaware of this, but he is inadvertently sabotaging your workout time. It is not your job to hold your husband's hand through his weight loss/healthy journey. He is a grown man! You have been doing very well on your own workout schedules (although I am concerned about that pound a day stat... put on the breaks or you'll be sorry in the long run) and it's not fair for him to make you feel guilty for doing so. Like you said in your post, he says he wants to workout, but has an excuse for why he cannot, or just doesn't do it at all (like not even setting the alarm to get up). He talks to talk, but doesn't walk the walk.


    I am not saying not to compromise... but that would require BOTH of you to give a little. You can try to alter your schedule a bit to accommodate him, but I would explain to him (1) how important this it to you and that you still have to focus on your OWN health during workout times, (2) he HAS to follow through with the "new" schedule and (3) if he doesn't, you're going back to your own personal workout schedule.

    If he's not willing to compromise, then your husband needs to find his OWN time in HIS schedule to fit in his workouts that doesn't hurt your time. There are 24 hours in a day. If he doesn't want to do weights at night, then there is a WHOLE day he can work with. Also, there is no rule that says you two need to workout together. If anything, my workouts are usually my "me" time. Look, if you can find the time to workout sometimes twice a day (you're a freaking machine) WITH children, he can find an appropriate time to do his workout without sabotaging your schedule.

    There will always be a reason not to workout. It's too early. The gym is too crowded. It's raining. It's too cold. My iPod isn't charged. Etc, etc... And it sounds like your husband is kinda using YOU as an excuse for him not working out, which is WRONG. He is accountable for his own actions and exercising.

    Sorry for being so winded, but I felt flames come out of my ears when I read this! ;) Good luck with your workouts and I hope you two find a common ground where BOTH OF YOU are happy and healthy.
  • BmoreGinger
    BmoreGinger Posts: 18
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    I also agree that there is some SERIOUS jealousy going on.
  • kdeaux1959
    kdeaux1959 Posts: 2,675 Member
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    Losing a pound a day isn't healthy...

    Why don't you just go to the gym at separate times?

    When a person is 30lbs or more overweight,losing a pound a day can be done without major complications. As long as the person is not malnourished and does not have any underlying health issues.
    agreed

    While I agree that higher than average weight loss is acceptable with those who have extreme weight issues (Morbidly obese)... 30 lbs overweight is not really sufficient for a pound per day loss. In that case, muscle loss would be most likely. Even when I had an extremely unhealthy weight loss several years ago (1200 calories or less and 2 hours per day at a gym) I only lost 20 lbs per month and was at the time about 90 lbs over my midpoint of IBW.. A true loss of a pound per day requires a calorie deficit of 3500 calories per day. Unless somebody is 600 or so pounds, it is not likely that this would be healthy and certainly would not be sustainable.

    For the issue at hand, however, Some type of compromise is in order. I agree something other than just wanting to go to the gym is likely at work here. Jealousy? Control? Fear? There are a lot of possible variables that we probably are not privy to. It may be nothing more than husband feeling that the gym is taking his place... None-the-less some type of compromise needs to be established but also, relationally, I think you may need to come to terms with whatever the real issue is. Is it the gym? Is it time together? Is it control? The details of compromise will differ depending upon whatever the underlying cause is. Best wishes on continued weight loss and making it work within the bigger picture of family.
  • cramernh
    cramernh Posts: 3,335 Member
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    This is going to sound crass so please hang in there..

    Did you tell your husband to stop being so damn selfish and perhaps learn to COMPROMISE? Come up with something that you BOTH can do that doesnt impede on either one's workout time?

    Is there someone that can take the kids so you BOTH can go? I dont know how old they are, but are they old enough to be left alone for about an hour?

    Im sorry but hubby sounds like he needs to learn to give and take, the same way you have been giving and taking...

    How in the hell is HE being selfish, did you even read the story? She is the one hogging all the damn free time away from the kids..

    Here is your solution, find a gym that has a daycare, done.


    Thank goodness I know how to read. I do that every day, thank you. The OP is not hogging all of the time, she has shared that she has willingly made a compromise to work WITH her husband so he could go..... however, the parts where the OP has made a compromise to her own routine so her husband can go - the husband hasnt been going - thats the selfish part. That picture tells me he wants her home. If he truly wanted to do the workouts at the gym, he would have gone. Instead he has yanked his wife's chain and stayed home when she could have gone.... yes.... thats selfish. He isnt being truly honest with his wife....
  • diddyh
    diddyh Posts: 131 Member
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    I agree with every other day. One week you go Mon,, Wed., Fri., in the AM. He goes (or has the option to go) Tue., Thurs. You go in the evenings on Tues. & Thurs. He goes in the evenings (or has the option to go) on Mon., Wed., Fri. The next week switch. This is a compromise and you both can go to the gym everyday if you choose. You can do something at home on your off mornings/evenings. Sometimes marriages are all about compromises even when you think/know they are being buttheads.
  • kristenlees122
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    yeah hubby is being selfish. no fair! you are doing great, btw. keep it up!
  • mtaylor33557
    mtaylor33557 Posts: 542 Member
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    Could you guys invest in a weight system/gym equipment for home? That might solve a lot of the issues.

    This is what I was thinking. You could buy something second hand for relatively inexpensive.. or just get some DVD's and dumbells, bands, etc if there is no room to but large equipment. If you did the latter, you could just trade out, on days you go to the gym, he could work out at home, and vice versa.
  • sehrler
    sehrler Posts: 89 Member
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    I don't think trying to figure out the reason hubby is acting like this is possible so I won't address that. I would try the pp's alternate days idea, or get some weights or an elliptical or some form of cardio machine at home. I don't go to the gym, I have an elliptical, recumbent bike, weights/pilates resistance bar, balance ball etc at home and do it on my own. They aren't any more expensive than a gym membership and no hassle about crowds or scheduling!
    We have a spare room but I like to work out in the living room, lighter, airy, and nicer tv and stereo, so my fiance doesn't complain that I have all that stuff in the living room right now. When I get to maintenance and don't have to put in an hour a day every day, I will move them back. Hopefully in a month or two!
  • sarad777
    sarad777 Posts: 210 Member
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    Do you have room in your house for some gym equipment? That's what we do. Put a TV in that room and have fun!
  • umachanxo
    umachanxo Posts: 926 Member
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    Work out at home. It's what I do and it's just as good as working out at the gym as long as you work as hard.
  • Francesca3162
    Francesca3162 Posts: 520 Member
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    I did not read the four pages of posts, but here are my thoughts.

    You go in morning MONDAY and WEDNESDAY and FRIDAY for strength training, toning etc.
    He goes in Morning TUESDAY and THURSDAY and SATURDAY for strength trainin, toning etc.

    SUNDAY is family day to get energized for your week ahead.


    Do your cardio at home.. if kids are small, get some jogging strollers and walk (fast paced) or jog together with the kids as many nights a week as you desire..... If kids are bigger but not big enough to be home alone for an hour, then one jogs for an hour while the other one watches kids and you switch. That way you both are utilizing the time effectively at the gym and not going when its busy but still getting solid hours in. Some together and some apart..

    While it could be true that your husband is jealous of your success it sounds like he needs some motivation to get going and some support as he starts his journey... sounds like you are the right person for the job as you have been there and done that and he is struggling to get started.....

    give it two week trial and if he has not made a firm commitment, then go back to where you are now.
  • tabbydog
    tabbydog Posts: 4,925 Member
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    Sit down together and come up with a schedule. Tell him that in one month if he isn't going on "his" times, you are going to go back to your old scheudle. Give him some time as it takes a while to settle into a new routine. You can do cardio together a day or two per week. Run or walk together and push the kids in one of those running strollers, or bike together as a family if the kids are old enough. Unfortunately when you have kids your time is not all your own. Good luck!
  • verptwerp
    verptwerp Posts: 3,659 Member
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    1. Why not with your new fit physique, wrestle him to the ground, get him in a head lock and keep squeezing him untill he submits?

    or

    2. Sit down together and come up with a compromise that suits you both.

    I prefer option 1 as he sounds like he's being a bit of a d**k. Not an easy situation but you need to get him to understand that he can't just push you about like that. You have done fantastically well so why should you give it up just because he decides so?! Good luck, i hope you sort it out. x

    OMG, falling off the couch laughing ..... but if that doesn't work, toss a coin ...... winner gets the preferred time slot ..... or better yet, just keep going in the morning, as it seems like you "had" it first ..... best of luck to you both !
  • Di3012
    Di3012 Posts: 2,250 Member
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    Why do people jump to conclusions about her husband worrying about a changing dynamic, or being jealous? From face value, it sounds like he wants to go to the gym, he doesn't like to go in the evenings, and he wants to try to get there in the mornings.

    Let's work on the issue at hand before making assumptions about someone we don't even know.

    But she has given him the opportunity to go in the morning, but when she adjusts her schedule for him, he still fails to get up and go. If he really wanted to go he would set his alarm and be ready when she gets home.

    Or maybe he forgot. Or maybe it's hard getting motivated in the beginning. Like nobody else has struggled with getting into a workout routine, especially early in the morning?

    The OP is feeling very motivated however, she changed her own times for working out to accommodate her husband, the fact he couldn't be bothered to move his *kitten* shows disrespect.

    Perhaps he should NOT forget and bloody get up from his pit and do what he professes he wants to do. He needs to walk his talk.
  • Di3012
    Di3012 Posts: 2,250 Member
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    Losing a pound a day is not necessarily unhealthy if you are doing it the right way. Look at the people on the Biggest Loser. All those huge weekly weight drops are encouraged by and overseen by professional trainers and doctors. On the other hand, if you are doing something off the wall that is not medically accepted, that's another story.

    Contestants on the bigger loser are on a very restricted diet and probably burn more than they consume. That isn't healthy.

    This is exactly what you ARE supposed to do when losing weight - burn more than you consume, this is how the physics of weightloss actually works.

    If you want to put weight ON, you consume more than you burn. If you want to maintain your weight you consume the same amount as you burn daily.

    Anybody that wishes to lose weight but does not expect to burn more than they consume daily, will be unsuccessful at weightloss.
  • jaxandmaksmom
    jaxandmaksmom Posts: 262 Member
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    about five years ago i had the same problem.. my kids were both young and i was getting up very early before my hubby went to work to get my work out in then .. .and then after i put the kids to bed a couple nights a week i would go and do a class...

    my hubby told me that he wanted to go to the gyms at night so i stopped the classes so he could go... then he didnt like nights and wanted to go in the morning so i stayed home and let him go... and i went nights.. then those nights he would make excuses for me not to go..

    i soon learnt it was nothing to do with the gym.. it was the fact he didnt want me to go and lose weight he didnt want me healthy and happy..but fat and misserable.. well five years later divorce is over and i am 56 lbs lighter. (well 256 really cause i got rid of the biggest problem in my weight loss)

    men get threathened when the women they are with start to look and feel better because in there insecure mind... they see this as now having to compete to keep us...


    funny my ex got married again.. to a very out of shape overweight unhappy women.. i hope she never gets the urge to better herself... or he will pull this with her too...
  • jenmfpal
    jenmfpal Posts: 124
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    Thanks for all the great advice!

    Sorry I didn't give you enough information. I don't loose, or look to loose a pound a day consistently. I just thought it showed how my husband was probably being insecure. I was on a downward trend and he kinda tried to undercut it. I had broken a three week plateau, and probably was loosing water weight; I am now back into a two pound a week trend. (Not the real reason for the post, but since some of you are concerned, I thought I'd fill you in.)

    We are both members of Planet Fitness, so no childcare. The local gym that has childcare does not open early, and does not do childcare in the early am. We could try doing a membership there for one of us I guess and do a new workout routine.

    What annoyed me most, was yesterday when he overslept, he never said he was sorry for not setting his alarm. We discussed that last night. I wouldn't have cared if he hit snooze and just couldn't get up, but not setting the alarm, and not saying he was SORRY. That really made me mad. So talking helped because he did apologize.

    We made arrangements for our kids so we could go together this morning and tomorrow. We planned to take two cars so we could do what we needed to do and get to work at our separate times. When the alarm went off this morning, I got up. He hit snooze a few times. When I woke him up, he was mad at me for not waking him up. He didn't think he would have enough time to work out and get to work. I told him I was happy he wants to get fit; I want him to do it, and I will make compromises about time, but I won't help him GET UP or be responsible for keeping him accountable. I'm taking ownership back of my workout.

    Alternating Days/Nights daily would be hard because of how early and late we would have to adjust our sleep cycles. I like the idea of maybe taking a month at a time turns. I think the best option might be letting him have two or three days a week and taking those mornings off and see if he can commit to it. And then reevaluate from there.

    If talking and compromises fail, the wrestling sounds like a nice fall back plan.
  • impyimpyaj
    impyimpyaj Posts: 1,073 Member
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    Good for you for communicating with him about why you were upset. And super good for you for making HIM take ownership of his health instead of holding his hand the whole way. I think it's one thing to be supportive, but it's quite another to do everything except lift the weight for him. :) He's a big boy, he can get up, and he can go to bed early enough that he's willing to get up instead of needing more sleep.

    Keep the lines of communication open. You guys will figure it out.
  • mrmanmeat
    mrmanmeat Posts: 1,968 Member
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    I have been working out in the mornings for since November and been pretty successful (lost 72 pounds!). I do weight training in the morning (go to the gym from 4:30-6), and sometimes go back at night for cardio. We have young children, so I go to the gym before my husband has to go to work. If I go at night, I go after the kids are in bed.

    Because I've been so successful, I've been posting motivational things on Facebook and everyone around me has been 'catching' the bug to get fit, including my husband. But my husband wants me to stop going to the gym so that he can go. He doesn't like to go at night b/c the gym is too "busy." I don't like to do my weight training at night for the same reason, so I understand that.

    I offered to get up earlier and hit the gym from 3-4:30 but he says an hour and a half is not enough time for him to do what he wants to do in the gym. He has been trying to get back into the gym, and every time hasn't stayed an hour. All last week I asked him if he was going to go the next day. Today I got up early and did the gym, then came home to find him in bed, and he hadn't even set his alarm!

    He was getting upset, because for a while I was going twice a day, everyday. Said that was keeping him from getting to go. I stopped going the second time everyday and he never started going b/c he hatted doing weights at night. I don't think it's fair that I'm on a roll with my weight loss and his starting will slow me down. Especially if he isn't going to follow through when I change my plans for him.

    How do I make him understand that I want to support his getting fit, but don't want to compromise my successful pace? The week he asked me to stop going twice in a day I was loosing a pound a day. I gave up a pound a day trend so that he could NOT go to the gym.

    I'm also thinking a compromise might be to do my cardio in the morning. That has only been a 1/2 hour to 45 min routine and would give him more time in the morning. Then I could do my weights at night. I don't feel like changing my routine if he isn't going to really get up!

    Guess I'll have to see what you all say, and discuss with him at least one more time. Thanks!

    Your husband is making excuses and is delusional, 90 mins is more than enough for 99% of the people who go to the gym to lift weights.
  • mrmanmeat
    mrmanmeat Posts: 1,968 Member
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    I think you're both being selfish. Just alternate days like people are suggesting. simple. If you want to do more...go for a run on days that it's not your gym time...or slip in a dvd.

    She's not being selfish. He's being cancerous.
    He's asking her to adjust for him, then not doing it.

    He's obviously not as serious about it as she is, she should get the preferred times.