Off topic but feeling sad Wedding cancelled

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  • chrishgt4
    chrishgt4 Posts: 1,222 Member
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    If you ask for advice, you have to be ready for people to give it, even if it goes against what you want to believe. This is an open forum for debate and discussion so if you didn't want people to post their opinion then you came to the wrong spot I'm afraid.

    Oh chris, you must have thought this was a thread where the op really wanted advice. You're adorable. We could all probably stand to be more supportive of martyrdom & codependency.

    I know, what was I thinking? I'll learn soon enough I'm sure...smack my wrists and all that..

    I mean, can you imagine trying to help someone?! I must be a real douche...
  • Rolande55
    Rolande55 Posts: 52 Member
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    Bingo! I was going to say this is not about a wedding but about CONTROL. I also loved the response about kicking him out instead of the other way around. You have a daughter to care for so he's the one to leave and who should support both of you. If he does 't like it, the only other option is counselling.
  • Kenzietea2
    Kenzietea2 Posts: 1,132 Member
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    If you ask for advice, you have to be ready for people to give it, even if it goes against what you want to believe. This is an open forum for debate and discussion so if you didn't want people to post their opinion then you came to the wrong spot I'm afraid.

    Oh chris, you must have thought this was a thread where the op really wanted advice. You're adorable. We could all probably stand to be more supportive of martyrdom & codependency.

    I didn't need advice off people who haven't experienced this
    Only those who have experienced this can give real advice
    Adorable Chris? I looked at his plenty of 'advice' of many many posts and it was his opinion not advice
    big difference
    I expect you'll need to have another say ......

    Ok first, this is a public forum - you can't control who posts and offers advice. Also bear in mind that those who are offering advice don't owe you anything, they are doing it to be nice (in the most part) to try and help. If you don't agree, then that's cool but don't throw it back in their face, that's just rude..

    Secondly, how do you know what I have and have not experienced?

    I've been extremely polite with you and tried to offer advice but seriously, screw you. You are rude and obnoxious and this isn't the first post you've made where you've been like this.

    Oh, and for the record - people do give ADVICE based on their OPINION.

    She is just bitter because she isn't hearing what she wants to hear. From the very first post until now she had done nothing but get defensive. She is being rude...and she wonders why she still isn't married.. with an attitude like that, no one would want to marry her.
  • DarcieC2389
    DarcieC2389 Posts: 146
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    He won't go to any counselling at all he doesn't do talking
    He won't get married just us & witnesses I asked
    I think he simply doesn't want to marry me , I think it's me as he quotes I've always wanted to get married but when ours was booked he wouldn't talk about it at all not once ?

    This effects my weightloss efforts as I've comfort ate in the Past I posted here to try get it out of my system so I don't go back to how I was :(

    I am sorry you are going through this. He does not seem to value your relationship much if he is unwilling to get counseling and will not get married just the two of you. I do not think he wants to be married based on his actions and only tells you he does to keep the relationship. Obviously you are not going to be happy and desire the commitment of a legal marriage, so your only choice is to stay and not be married or end the relationship. You could try a separation and be firm about it and see if he would have a change of heart...but this man has obvious commitment issues and more than likely will never marry.
  • beachgirl613
    beachgirl613 Posts: 139 Member
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    I have experienced this. I was with my ex for 9 years and engaged for 5 of those years. I finally took off the ring because I got tired of people asking when I was getting married and he kept on coming up with excuses on why we couldn't get married.

    Last summer I had finally had enough and moved out with no plan and wound up living in a hotel for about a week while I found a new place.

    Fast foward to almost a year later, I met the love of my life shortly after I moved out. I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life, I'm not stressed anymore and I don't stress eat anymore.

    You can get all the advice you ask for, but you have to make the decision that is right for you.
  • m60kaf
    m60kaf Posts: 421 Member
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    I've read your posts and I am qualified through experience - that is being in a long relationship that had a lot of emotional blackmail going on - to answer if that's OK by you

    It seems to me the fact you think you should have got married before you got back together after the 2.5yr break says so much about how you think

    eg: You eat to live, eating is an inconvenience - how does eating solve your problems - dealing with the problems solves them... separate them

    To me people I love ,,, I have so much faith and love for them that if they called me at 3am having killed someone - I'd be around like a shot to hide the body.. they can do no wrong, they mean everything to me - I don't have to manipulate them into doing what I want to appease me by silly games

    Someone you love you should pretty much never need to argue with

    You are in a relationship that you think is held together by the presence of a daughter (wrong) will get better/ show commitment if you get married (wrong) if you get married you are committed forever (wrong)

    Learn to separate all the issues in your life and sort them separately... It has taken me 5 years with the help of good people to learn this... or more importantly, accept it

    If it's as simple as your blokes lack of commitment stresses you - get one that will commit. There's a couple of billion of them out there
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
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    I've read your posts and I am qualified through experience - that is being in a long relationship that had a lot of emotional blackmail going on - to answer if that's OK by you

    It seems to me the fact you think you should have got married before you got back together after the 2.5yr break says so much about how you think

    eg: You eat to live, eating is an inconvenience - how does eating solve your problems - dealing with the problems solves them... separate them

    To me people I love ,,, I have so much faith and love for them that if they called me at 3am having killed someone - I'd be around like a shot to hide the body.. they can do no wrong, they mean everything to me - I don't have to manipulate them into doing what I want to appease me by silly games

    Someone you love you should pretty much never need to argue with

    You are in a relationship that you think is held together by the presence of a daughter (wrong) will get better/ show commitment if you get married (wrong) if you get married you are committed forever (wrong)

    Learn to separate all the issues in your life and sort them separately... It has taken me 5 years with the help of good people to learn this... or more importantly, accept it

    If it's as simple as your blokes lack of commitment stresses you - get one that will commit. There's a couple of billion of them out there
    mmm Ive just read your reply I hadnt come back to this until now but do you not know about comfort eating????
    When we grow up in a certain way thats not 'normal' I wont go into my childhood but it wasnt great I learnt to comfort eat made me feel better...........I comfort eat there I said it and when things are hard for me emotionally I turn to food as its an addiction! Yiu cant say to an alcholic gambler YOU DRINK TO ENJOY IT YOU BET TO ENJOY IT how does it solve your problems! Im addicted to these things,I am not someone whos unintelligent I know food is eaten to survive but I have comfort ate for 22+ years and if youve never had any form of addiction you couldnt know how it feels.
    Im not manipulating him,he actually proposed to me in 2004 we were engaged I was living alone he wanted us to be married I said no at first,then I said okay as he wanted a child we started trying for a baby being I had 8 YEARS infertility treatment for my first daughter as I have fertility problems I thought it would take many months/years to fall and we'd be married like he said but I fell in 10 days and I didnt want to live without him being we were the babys parents.
    It all seems clear in a thread but its not.If saomeone proposes you think they want to marry you ,I never blackmail anyone,its not like he never wanted to marry we actually booked the church just after I posted this his idea he wanted a church then a few days ago he changed his mind again so its cancelled.
    He I found out was the same with 3 exs they all wanted marriage he left them because of this his admisson I didnt know this until recently.
    Hes manipulating me saying we are getting married etc but bolts at the last minute not me.
    We have discussed this I will book the registry office (uk) and go get married on our 9th anniversary

    As for you hiding a dead body a loved one had killed well Im sorry thats awful...............so they killed a child you'd hide that body? they ran over an elderly person you'd hide that body?
    mmmmm how about that dead bodys family?

    You didnt really understand what i meant
    I know children and marriage dont hold you together but Marriage is a full commitment of a relationship & its respectful I know it never keeps you together I divorced my exhusband !
    As for arguing how long is your longest relationship? You say you never argue with a loved one? EH
  • sandown12
    sandown12 Posts: 648 Member
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    i ended the relationship just thought id update x
  • sicilysclover
    sicilysclover Posts: 173 Member
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    Maybe he just doesn't like planning it. From what I understand - guys could care less... it's the woman's fairy tale - so enlist a brides maid or maid of honor to help you plan it... and just tell him where to pick up his tux and what time to be at the church.

    Men are fickle creatures!

    this is what i did to my husband...married 6 years as of yesterday...together 10. he says it was the best decision i ever made for him...lol

    LOL same here! I said just show up and smile! And we had a great night.

    To all those people who say "it's just a piece of paper" : marriage means a lot to some people for a bunch of different reasons, so don't downplay it just because you chose not to do it. I find that so annoying!
  • rprussell2004
    rprussell2004 Posts: 870 Member
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    i ended the relationship just thought id update x

    Way to be strong!

    I'll reiterate what some other folks here have said: Be true to yourself and find what will make you happy. That's the bottom line.
  • Crochetluvr
    Crochetluvr Posts: 3,143 Member
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    Glad you did what is best for YOU. I hope you found a place to go and a way to support yourself. Good luck!!
  • MindyG150
    MindyG150 Posts: 1,296 Member
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    i ended the relationship just thought id update x

    Way to be strong!

    I'll reiterate what some other folks here have said: Be true to yourself and find what will make you happy. That's the bottom line.

    Good for you!
  • GeekGirl23
    GeekGirl23 Posts: 517 Member
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    Have you guys ever tried to see a councilor? If you have been together 9 years and have kids and a business, he doesn't have commitment issues. It takes alot of commitment to have those things. There is mostlikely a very specific reason he cannot tie the knot. Maybe even he doesn't know what it is. You could even ask him to go to a councilor by himself. Maybe he needs to do a little self discovering. There could be a previous relationship wether his own or his parents that has caused him to think negetivly of marriage. He needs to figure it out for himself.

    To state the obvious, he must love you very much to share his life and livelyhood with your for that last 9 years. See if you can point him in the right direction for help without sounding like a leaky faucet.

    Best of luck to you two!

    ^^ this but FYI my ex hubby refused to see a counciler come to find out he was sleeping with 2 if not 3 of my co-workers and I didn't find out the truth until after the divorce. You might be better off. After 9 years he should know
  • wingchunrick
    wingchunrick Posts: 267 Member
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    His loss. Simples!
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    I haven't read through everything so maybe this has been said, but maybe it's not marriage but the wedding he has an issue with. What about eloping? Have you suggested that? Just the two of you, your daughter and maybe a couple really close friends and family on the beach or at city hall or something. Or even just a very small church ceremony.

    EDIT: Never mind. I see you broke it off. I'm sorry.
  • Reinventing_Me
    Reinventing_Me Posts: 1,053 Member
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    sounds like being married isnt the problem, sounds like he just doesnt want a wedding. Which is cool, cause thats the least important part of being married. Go to city hall.

    My thoughts exactly.
  • lululucky1
    lululucky1 Posts: 39 Member
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    All I can say is focus on yourself. You need to heel first, stop dwelling on the fact that he wont marry you. Get yourself together, position yourself to be self suffiecient. Go back to school or get a differnet job, improve your self esteem and your position in life. Excersice and find friends with common interests. Once you are truly healthy and financially capable of moving on do so if necessary. He may change his mind once he sees the happy healthy you. By then it might be to late for him but atleast you will be happier!!!

    Be Number ONE!!
  • glamouritz64
    glamouritz64 Posts: 85 Member
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    I was married before (for 13 years), and it's not all it's cracked up to be--just saying. I have been divorced for 4 years now.

    If you and this man have been together for 9 years and he still won't marry you, then you have to look at that.

    You said the two of you have been engaged a total of four (4) times. Sweetheart, this is going to be tough to hear: He's not going to marry you. He knows he can shut you up for a while by saying the two of you will get married, then he can back out without repercussion because he knows you are going to stay.

    If a man knows you're not going anywhere even after he's broken his promises to you over and over again, then you've given him permission to treat you exactly the way he's treated you for the past 9 years.

    You need to decide whether you're o.k. with just living with this man, or move on. And mean it. A person can only treat you how you ALLOW them to treat you. You need to take responsibility for how YOUR actions and how you have allowed him to treat you all these years.

    Real talk.
  • Tara1090
    Tara1090 Posts: 199 Member
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    I was married 16 years with my ex 10 married but his drinking became awful I left.

    To me it's commitment it shows me he truly loves me , he's has a lot of relationships before me most got to 3 months then he'd end them then there was a 4 year one which was open then an 18 month one for sex his admissions

    I wanted to go to registry office were in uk and have 2 witnesses he banged in about a church etc

    He says he always wanted to be married but I've had every excuse he can give not too
    Too busy. Money . Work. Time.
    Then he seemed all keen to go ahead vicar meet us church booked and you know something isn't right with someone they avoid the issue , our problems are he said I neglect him meaning we don't have sex 15 times a week anymore
    With 3 children a new business his mum has cancer I am seeing that as another excuse.

    Tmi sorry but that's the latest reason

    Hes rejected me....... Saying this again and lots knew our wedding date has left me really upset.

    I'd like to stay with him but I'm so upset angry that if he's telling me he always wanted to get married but then changed his mind again it's not me who's the one

    His parents have been married 57 years his brothers been married 19 years

    You being upset, is completely normal. I can see that marriage means a lot to you, and you two have a long history together. But I doesn't seem like he will change his outlook and get married. You've been engaged 4 times? and each time it fell through. His excuses of "no time" "no money," etc....are ridiculous. You don't need to have a lavish 100K wedding. If he really wanted to do it, he would. We aren't talking about a 20 year old boy, we are talking about a grown man. Perhaps he has commitment problems.

    I saw that you said "leaving him is not an option" because you would end up jobless and homeless....does that mean you rely on him financially as well?
  • Tracepa98
    Tracepa98 Posts: 219
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    i ended the relationship just thought id update x

    So very happy for you! It may be scary looking into the unknown for you and your daughter but she will learn from your example and that will be to search for your dreams and what will make you happy. Never settle for less in life.

    I had a similar situation like yours but minus the kids. I was with my boyfriend for close to 9 years (2000-2008). We talked of marriage many times and even started to pick out rings and discuss locations. Then one day he started backpedaling and gave the excuse it was too expensive. I left off the pressure for a while. We had also talked of kids. Well in 2008 his sister had identical twin boys and he wanted nothing to do with them. Wouldnt hold them or help out and barely went to see them. THAT was my eye opener. I was even more angered when i found out that his BIL had offered him an engagement ring to help out and he STILL didnt take it. He wasnt going to marry me and kids certainly werent in his future.

    I wasted most of my 20's with that man and as hard as it was...finally left him in Dec 2008. He bullied me when i left saying I wouldn't make it without him. Well its been 4 years now and I sure as hell have proved him wrong!

    Best of luck to you and your daughter and I hope that you both can find the best out of life. Feel free to add me as a friend on here as well. :happy:

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