relationship question

13

Replies

  • michellekicks
    michellekicks Posts: 3,624 Member
    My personal opinion is that no married person should have close single friends of the opposite sex unless they're friends with both the marrieds and there is a mutual trust and history there. To protect my marriage, I don't invest in friendships with single men... what would doing so convey to my husband? I value him more than anyone else on this planet. If you don't value your spouse more than anyone else alive, you are doing them a disservice. You can call me square, but as I said before, it's just my opinion.
  • weighlossforbaby
    weighlossforbaby Posts: 847 Member
    It seems like you are serious about trying to fix this marriage and this guy friend is getting in the way but it's her friend and I doubt she will end it if you 2 argue when you see eachother. I am sorry this is happening to you and I hope it gets better with or without her.
  • weighlossforbaby
    weighlossforbaby Posts: 847 Member
    My personal opinion is that no married person should have close single friends of the opposite sex unless they're friends with both the marrieds and there is a mutual trust and history there. To protect my marriage, I don't invest in friendships with single men... what would doing so convey to my husband? I value him more than anyone else on this planet. If you don't value your spouse more than anyone else alive, you are doing them a disservice. You can call me square, but as I said before, it's just my opinion.

    ^^^AGREED!!!!!
  • StaceyL76
    StaceyL76 Posts: 711 Member
    My personal opinion is that no married person should have close single friends of the opposite sex unless they're friends with both the marrieds and there is a mutual trust and history there. To protect my marriage, I don't invest in friendships with single men... what would doing so convey to my husband? I value him more than anyone else on this planet. If you don't value your spouse more than anyone else alive, you are doing them a disservice. You can call me square, but as I said before, it's just my opinion.

    I agree with this.
  • rungirl1973
    rungirl1973 Posts: 2,559 Member
    I travel a LOT for work. I'm also an engineer, so every single one of my colleagues are men. I socialize with these men and travel with them all the time. Yes, women and men can be friends with no sexual undertones, thank G-d.
    Otherwise, I would be very lonely and bored most of the time.

    'I have an ex who used to have a problem with me socializing with men on work trips. Key word = EX.
    Jealousy was the reason for the split-up.

    If he is a childhood friend, I would say its probably nothing to worry about. The only thing that is a red flag to me is that she is trying to hide his involvement, unless you are being a jealous jerk and making her feel like she has to hide it from you...
  • jmilian825
    jmilian825 Posts: 193 Member
    Sorry but this is a dieting site. Personal problems (relationship problems) really don't have any place here
    exactly dieting site which this Relationship problem could lead to an emotional eating problem then turning into a dieting problem which is the reason most of us are here to being with....
    he just needs some support so he doesn't go into a downward spiral!!!
  • StarvingDiva
    StarvingDiva Posts: 1,107 Member
    Sorry but this is a dieting site. Personal problems (relationship problems) really don't have any place here

    That's pretty rude, this is in chit-chat, fun and games, not in any of the diet forums.

    Back to the poster. Is this friendship causing some issues, like is it a girl that's single that wants her to go out and do dancing all the time, or is this an old flame that is giving her attention that she should be getting from you?
  • Louise1247
    Louise1247 Posts: 670 Member
    If i were having issues with a guy, having a friend would make it worse for me in a sense as they can manipulate what I may think of the guy. I am an easily influenced person sometimes though- so depends on the person!
  • Setof2Keys
    Setof2Keys Posts: 681 Member
    i don't know how her hanging out with someone and being friends with them would get in the way of you working on your marriage unless you are threatened by them.

    is this friend a good looking man who is interested in her? if so, then yes, you have grounds for complaint.

    however, if not, i don't see what's wrong with her having friends and it sounds a little controlling to take issue with her talking to friends. even in a marriage, there should be room for friends.

    Oh ye of little age and little wisdom and experience...LOL, cute try though.
  • creech6317
    creech6317 Posts: 869 Member
    Sorry but this is a dieting site. Personal problems (relationship problems) really don't have any place here

    That is not true. I don't understand how people can be so cold towards people who are reaching out. It is really sad.

    I have a question for you.. Why were you nosey enough to click on the thread if you weren't interested in a relationship question. Was it just so you can snark at somebody. Do you feel better about yourself now - Ooo so powerful?? RUDE.

    I sooooo agree. Also one little thing I thought of to add. Attention W***E. Since most people said something about your rude, snotty, stupid comment.
  • blittle2
    blittle2 Posts: 94 Member
    I'm going through a similar situation so i'm going to assume that this long lost friend is male. Although you can't control who she is friends with but the timing is suspect and it could cause problems in your marriage as you try to work on things.

    It's a tough fence to walk along especially when you are having marital problems but I've found out having a friend of the opposite sex can make things messier even if it is just a friendship and nothing more.
  • sthrnchick
    sthrnchick Posts: 771
    Sorry but this is a dieting site. Personal problems (relationship problems) really don't have any place here

    I so need to have her as my BFF...so fun and perky!
  • LBash03
    LBash03 Posts: 72
    My personal opinion is that no married person should have close single friends of the opposite sex unless they're friends with both the marrieds and there is a mutual trust and history there. To protect my marriage, I don't invest in friendships with single men... what would doing so convey to my husband? I value him more than anyone else on this planet. If you don't value your spouse more than anyone else alive, you are doing them a disservice. You can call me square, but as I said before, it's just my opinion.

    I agree with this.

    I agree with this also.
  • fitpilatesqueen
    fitpilatesqueen Posts: 337
    Uhhh I do not agree.
    Going through what he is going through is hard, stressful and emotional and the fact that many people eat more when they are upset tells me this has just as much right to be put in here as anything else. I have been reading personal threats for the few days I have been here so why not this.
  • sthrnchick
    sthrnchick Posts: 771
    Having gone thru a similar situation in the past...I think the best advise I can give you is go with your gut instinct...it will rarely lead you astray! I think her wanting to hang out with this long lost friend is a little suspect at the least and in very poor taste if you are both trying to work on the marriage... just my 2 cents!
  • mslack01
    mslack01 Posts: 823 Member
    Aww....my heart goes out to you. sadly though, after i saw your second post in the forum, it sounds bleak. you should probably count your losses sweetie. sounds like she may already be moving in another direction. however, if you ask her not to see him, you will probably get your answer either way.
  • jennyrebekka
    jennyrebekka Posts: 626 Member
    Chris Rock said it best. A girl in a relationship or marriage does not have male friends. Every one of her male friends, including the guy in question, is a "(slang term for male body part) under glass. In case of emergency, she's gonna break that glass."

    haha.......so true......gotta love Chris Rock.....tells it like it is....AND makes us laugh about it!

    as for poster - - if it was me i would bring it up in counseling and see what the therapist has to say about it.....?
  • fitpilatesqueen
    fitpilatesqueen Posts: 337
    Sansey no one can tell you what is best for you or your wife.
    How close are they? do they meet every day? do they talk on the phone all the time? are they sharing personal information? did they stay in touch in any way while this friend was away?
    I have been in your in a simular position. My ex cheated with my so called friend (they worked together) and used the company he was a part owner in to cover his disgusting behavior. I know how stressful and hard this is, this is a real rollercoaster. Get as much support from your family, friends or someone who has been in your position.
    If both of you want to save your relationship then I think you should bring this up next time you go to your marrage therapy, that is the best place and way to uncover this and get this out of the way.
    I wish you all the best
  • fitpilatesqueen
    fitpilatesqueen Posts: 337
    No need for meds....I agree.
  • fitpilatesqueen
    fitpilatesqueen Posts: 337
    True, I couldn´t be with someone who is jeolous all the time, but to show once in a while that you are shows you care and that you wouldn´t want to lose that person.
    :)
  • calalily77
    calalily77 Posts: 240 Member
    I am sorry you are having these problems. i don't have advice really but I think you just need to talk to her. Maybe outside of counselling so you know where you stand. Hopefully you can figure it out and it works out but if she is somewhat hiding it as you said, i would be concerned. If there is nothing to hide, then she shouldn't hide it. I don't think its wrong of you to ask her to put that relationship on hold while you deal with yours. If she has a problem with it, then I believe you have your answer. If she truly wants to work it out then she should be willing to at least put that on the back burner until you have got your marriage worked out.
  • XXXMinnieXXX
    XXXMinnieXXX Posts: 3,459 Member
    Iid definitely talk it through in counselling so it can be discussed in a civil manner. I'd worry too to be honest! Good luck! X
  • tiff187
    tiff187 Posts: 3 Member
    I hate to say it, but I agree with the people above that said cut your losses. I've been in your exact position and if there isn't complete transparency in the relationship (both yours and theirs) then there is something else going on. Always follow your instincts--if you look back, you'll realize they are never wrong. If he doesn't want to be your friend and she doesn't want to be honest with you, then believe me there is a reason. Counseling is a way for her to say "Well at least I tried" when in reality she isn't trying at all. She already has another man's attention and she isn't giving you any real effort. You deserve to let go and begin your new normal without deceit and drama.
  • olyrose
    olyrose Posts: 569 Member
    I've always had a lot of male friends - just friends - so that in itself is not a red flag. I actually just reconnected with a male friend I hadn't talked to in 12 years, so I understand that too.

    However, I think you need to trust your instincts as to whether this is an interference in your relationship. Simply having a new friend involved is not an interference. Someone who comes in and tries to undermine your relationship progress for their own gains (like talking her into a divorce so he has a chance) is an interference.
  • littlepinkhearts
    littlepinkhearts Posts: 1,055 Member
    You have no control over who she has around her or takes advice from. You can only hope this person is a postive influence on her.
  • jerbear67
    jerbear67 Posts: 247 Member
    Sorry but this is a dieting site. Personal problems (relationship problems) really don't have any place here

    Um yes they do! This is a key reason why a lot of people are overweight. There is an unhappiness that is causing some of us to over eat. Isn't the key here to help and support each other lose weight to become healthy? Part of losing weight and being healthy is talking about and dealing with what making us gain weight and become unhealthy. Like, unhappy relationships (romantic, friends, family, co-workers), tragic event, depression in general, financial troubles, I think you get the picture. It helps to reach out to people that have been in a similar situation to see what tools they used to overcome the situation. How can you even say this is a dating site I don't recall in the OP anything about who wants enter in a relationship with me.
  • Assassins_Angel
    Assassins_Angel Posts: 329
    Sorry but this is a dieting site. Personal problems (relationship problems) really don't have any place here

    I have a relationship issue with food. Are you saying I should just give up?


    lol im sorry but this is the best response to that so far i literally loled!!

    but back to the topic at hand i know you probably dont want to hear it but id let her do her own thing for now she may need a friendly ear to see the issue from an outside view so then she can see where to fix the issues etc :) hang in there im sure all will resolve itsself xx
  • _hi_hat3r_
    _hi_hat3r_ Posts: 423 Member
    Sorry but this is a dieting site. Personal problems (relationship problems) really don't have any place here

    Bullshyt....this is a support site!
  • _hi_hat3r_
    _hi_hat3r_ Posts: 423 Member
    I think your wife is having relations with this person....keep an eye out for red flags
  • awisegirl84
    awisegirl84 Posts: 82 Member
    Having been in your wife's situation, I have only a couple of things to say:

    1. There's a reason why you are suspect. Whether it's founded or not is another question. Figure out what it is that really concerns you about their relationship.

    2. Talk about it in counseling

    3. LISTEN to what she wants/needs from you. While we were separated, I asked my husband (ex now) to give me some space. I told him that I didn't want to talk all the time and I didn't want him to give me gifts. He called me every day, several times, sent me flowers, gave me a present for our anniversary and wanted to go on a date. He wasn't listening to what I wanted. We had agreed to not "see" other people during our separation and that wasn't my intention, but I needed friends to help me figure myself out again. That was something that was really important to me. Everyone is different but I think, in the end, we just want people to hear and respect us. Although he suspected that I had someone else (which I didn't), what he was really feeling, I believe, was me pulling away because i felt like he didn't care since he wasn't listening to what I needed.

    My lesson learned (NOT A REGRET): I wish we could have loved each other the way the other needed to be loved.

    I wish you the best of luck.

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