Need mens honest thoughts

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Replies

  • Buttercupmcgee
    Buttercupmcgee Posts: 95 Member
    My Husband is active duty Army, an infantry soldier and in pretty damn good shape. We have been married 3 years in June and have a beautiful 1 year old Daughter. I was about 160 when we got married (saw that he searched google to get wife to lose weight), lost 30lbs while he was deployed (he showed more interest in me when he came home for leave...hence the baby lol), and then got up to about 195 after my Daughter (felt like he was grossed out by me). Now that I am on this weight loss/healthy living journey he is showing some pretty good support, but I feel its only because he wants me to look like a Victoria Secret model, which I never will...

    SO HERE IS MY QUESTION....can you honestly love and be happy with someone you don't find physically attractive? I'm worried that if I don't get the results he pictures in his head...he might head...out...

    Girl, here's the truth. Some people's spouses don't care about weight gain. Some do.

    The point is, YOU feel ****ty about this. Nothing we say on here is going to relieve you. Nothing he says will, either.

    You'll step away from the computer, or a conversation with him, and feel a bit empowered, hopefully, but then you'll be watching TV with him and someone will make a fat joke and you'll be awkward all over again and start to gnash about whether or not he's still into you.

    Repairing your insecurity and fear about your body and relationship with him comes from one place: feeling and looking your best. Whether that's 250lbs or 105. You clearly don't feel confident right now (hey, I can relate!) and you will not magically feel confident by any one conversation or attempted comfort from a stranger. You will feel confident the more you take action to be where you want to be, physically. Once you're kicking *kitten* at the gym FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS, there will be no more stress about what he thinks. ( I find even the act of going to the gym helps raise my confidence, even if there's been no weight loss:-))

    You feel nervous about his opinion because you don't feel as attractive as you'd like. Luckily, you have power in this arena. Go get yours, stay strong in your resolve, and watch the anxiety melt away.
  • HealthyWarrior
    HealthyWarrior Posts: 394 Member
    My wife added almost 80 pounds when she was pregnant with our son (17 years ago) and has fluctuated in weight all thoughout our marriage. THe bottom line for me is that I love her for who she is and although I thought she looked better when she was thinner, I still found her attractive because I love her as a person. I can't speak for all men (or women for that matter), but that's how I feel. Love is love.

    Awwww!!! Brought tears to my eyes
  • Reeny1_8
    Reeny1_8 Posts: 277
    OK...this will be harsh and you will not want to hear this....and I know that I will be slammed. But, you said that he loves you and he married you because you are his best friend. BAM! Enough said....he loves you and will not leave you.

    NOW...do something to get your body back the best that you can. Yes, having kids changes our bodies, but it should not give us a reason to stay heavy. I know because I have 6 kids.

    MY DH is a university professor, super hot, really nice, great sense of humor....so I hear ALL of the time how hot my husband is. College girls love him and so do all of my female friends. Now, I have had 6 kids. Each time I gained 50-60 lbs! My babies weighed 9-9.5lbs!!! This last pregnancy, I was 2 or 3 lbs shy of my husband AND I was 39. So weight does not come off as easily.

    So 18 months later....I was still 15lbs overweight BUT at 39, it was not a good looking 15lbs, it was that loose saggy arms, horrible inner thighs, stretch marked tummy skin still filled with fat. I did some soul searching....is THIS how I am going to look for the rest of my life? Now, my hubby would never leave me, but, I want him to lust and desire me!!! So, I joined a gym last year.

    Started getting the weight off, then decided because of my age, it was time to build some muscle...because I did not want to be skinny, I want to look athletic and fit. Now, I do not look like a VS model and I do not look as good as I did before kids....but for a 42 year old mom of 6 kids....I look pretty good. MY hubby loves that we can eat a lot of the same things because I do higher protein medium carbs meals, we do protein shakes and bars....AND, he thinks that I am super hot.

    Men are visual...that is just how it is...give him something to look at. Again, you may not be pre-baby body....but I promise you that if you workout and eat well and he sees you trying and he sees a difference, he is going to LOVE that and will LOVE your body!! And do not worry about the scale. I am 12-15lbs more than when we got married....but I have a lot more muscle now then I did back then. So, just do what you can do to look YOUR best...don't compare yourself to VS models or Hollywood...remember all of their pictures are airbrushed anyway!!
    [/quote]




    I agree completely!
  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
    OK...this will be harsh and you will not want to hear this....and I know that I will be slammed. But, you said that he loves you and he married you because you are his best friend. BAM! Enough said....he loves you and will not leave you.

    NOW...do something to get your body back the best that you can. Yes, having kids changes our bodies, but it should not give us a reason to stay heavy. I know because I have 6 kids.

    MY DH is a university professor, super hot, really nice, great sense of humor....so I hear ALL of the time how hot my husband is. College girls love him and so do all of my female friends. Now, I have had 6 kids. Each time I gained 50-60 lbs! My babies weighed 9-9.5lbs!!! This last pregnancy, I was 2 or 3 lbs shy of my husband AND I was 39. So weight does not come off as easily.

    So 18 months later....I was still 15lbs overweight BUT at 39, it was not a good looking 15lbs, it was that loose saggy arms, horrible inner thighs, stretch marked tummy skin still filled with fat. I did some soul searching....is THIS how I am going to look for the rest of my life? Now, my hubby would never leave me, but, I want him to lust and desire me!!! So, I joined a gym last year.

    Started getting the weight off, then decided because of my age, it was time to build some muscle...because I did not want to be skinny, I want to look athletic and fit. Now, I do not look like a VS model and I do not look as good as I did before kids....but for a 42 year old mom of 6 kids....I look pretty good. MY hubby loves that we can eat a lot of the same things because I do higher protein medium carbs meals, we do protein shakes and bars....AND, he thinks that I am super hot.

    Men are visual...that is just how it is...give him something to look at. Again, you may not be pre-baby body....but I promise you that if you workout and eat well and he sees you trying and he sees a difference, he is going to LOVE that and will LOVE your body!! And do not worry about the scale. I am 12-15lbs more than when we got married....but I have a lot more muscle now then I did back then. So, just do what you can do to look YOUR best...don't compare yourself to VS models or Hollywood...remember all of their pictures are airbrushed anyway!!




    I agree completely!

    :drinker: This woman understands!
  • Guajardo73
    Guajardo73 Posts: 17 Member
    My wife is presently pregnant and has put on quite a bit of weight! Can I love her! Hell yes and I always will! I think about it this way! I bust my *kitten* to try and look good for my wife! I kno she will love me if I wasn't in shape and vice versa! But I also think when u make honest efforts to look good for ur spouse your investing in your relationship and realistically keeps the spark and physical attraction there! My wife is amazing and I never want her to look like a Victoria secret model but to take pride in her health!
  • kiminikimkim
    kiminikimkim Posts: 746 Member
    Just focus on your health and the rest should follow. Don't worry about what he thinks of you now. Your kids will benefit from having a healthy mom as well.

    If my boyfriend became obese, I too wouldn't be attracted to him anymore. I know that wouldn't happen though because we both eat fairly well and buy our food from the local market.
  • LesIsMoreXX
    LesIsMoreXX Posts: 169
    I'm not a man but thought I would share my story as well...

    I was in a relationship for a couple years with a man who preferred ( and I'm not exaggerating... ) women with visible eating disorders ( anorexia etc. ). I didn't know that for awhile into the relationship but at 5'9 and 130 lbs I was in his eyes "borderline obese". As I got older and I needed to start meds, quit my job to go to school etc. etc. and adhering to his eating routines ( he wasn't in good shape or healthy by any means ) my weight went up to 168 lbs in no time ( which was still not considered overweight for my height and body type ). I went through a year and a half of him measuring and weighing me constantly, pinching and making fun of my thighs, telling me "I'm a disgrace to all women and shouldn't even be allowed to be called a woman because of my size" and on and on. I had to go to the gym 5-7 times a week for 6 hours a day. He restricted my food intake etc. etc. etc. It was horrific. My entire life revolved around trying to achieve an unachievable goal for this guy.

    Now it's a few years later and my current boyfriend is wonderful. He never makes me feel anything less than beautiful. I'm at my lowest weight I've been in almost 5 years and to be honest, I really haven't been trying a fraction as hard to lose weight as I used to. Not even close. I honestly think the lack of stress and pressure from my partner is the main cause of this. And the confidence of knowing that my partner would still find me attractive if I shot right back up to 168 lbs certainly keeps me calm.

    While some people might not be able to lose a lot of weight from lack of stress, I've found it to be just as important as diet and exercise. Maybe even more so in my case.

    Anyway, my point is you have to lose weight for you and not because you feel pressured into it by someone else because you feel like they won't love you as much if you don't drop the weight ASAP.
  • rudegyal_b
    rudegyal_b Posts: 593 Member
    so i googled "get wife to lose weight" and this is the first thing that comes up:

    http://bigaslife.com/HowToGetYourGirlfriendToLoseWeight.asp

    what horrible tips lol
  • Donnacoach
    Donnacoach Posts: 540 Member
    Seems to me that there are an awful lot of, "Dr. Phil" want to be's posting here. Bottom line, you need to follow YOUR HEART!!! If you love him and he loves you, it should all work out. Just be open and honest with your husband about how you feel. Good luck and keep your chin up.
  • jenn_may
    jenn_may Posts: 154 Member
    I think the key to a healthy marriage is to communicate. When you get the chance ask him what his wants are and if it is for any other reason than for you to be a healthy person/wife/mother he may need to do some personal reflecting. As for your journey. Do it for yourself. If you are doing it for any other person it will not last. Know that you deserve to be the best version of yourself for yourself.
  • Buttercupmcgee
    Buttercupmcgee Posts: 95 Member
    Seems to me that there are an awful lot of, "Dr. Phil" want to be's posting here. Bottom line, you need to follow YOUR HEART!!! If you love him and he loves you, it should all work out. Just be open and honest with your husband about how you feel. Good luck and keep your chin up.

    She asked a complex question hoping to receive guidance and support. It doesn't make someone a "wannabe Dr. Phil" to offer their insight and perspective, or tell her they can relate. I know that when I'm in pain, having someone tell me to simply "follow my heart" and "keep my chin up" is about as helpful as wishing upon a star.
  • jenniejengin
    jenniejengin Posts: 784 Member
    Do not let him work on your self esteem.
  • myiamilone99
    myiamilone99 Posts: 12
    Is posted a while ago about this...my fiancée has always dated size zero skinny girls. I am size 12 as curvy. I was always insecure even though I knew he loved me.

    Que in me wanting to lose weight for myself...and the big bang when he told me he would prefer me at 130...I am 155 currently.

    It hurt, but I understand. He Started dating me at 168...so it isn't just physical.

    But it doesn't mean I shouldnt look my best just because it hurt my feelings! I also overheard him talking about him and his thing for dark girls (he's only dated Hispanic or middle eastern women-I am white) so I hit the tanning bed. Not only does he like it, my confidence has soared!

    Love is love, 100lbs or 300. No one should cheat or leave due to weight. But it doesn't mean you shouldn't try :)
  • nwickart82
    nwickart82 Posts: 31 Member
    I completely agree! That guy does sound like a douche.Lose the weight for you...not some ahole who wants a model for a girl. I was thinner when I met my hubby- by no means a single digit size, but continued to gain. He still loved me for me. Now I am losing for me- not for him.
  • jeardawg
    jeardawg Posts: 110 Member
    I have always felt like this, one of the most attractive things a woman can have is confidence. If she is happy in her own skin then she could often get my attention. If you have issues with your own weight, take care of you. Be healthy, and find a fit you, for you. He did say he would love you no matter what, and love is one thing. That is not to say couldn't go on and find you irresistable. But the difference might not just be in how he sees you, but in how you see you.
  • cakeums
    cakeums Posts: 228 Member
    I joke with my husband about how I was "young and hot" when we met - we were 20 and 21 when we met, and I was about 150lbs (I am 5'10). He was active duty Marine Corps at the time, but wasn't really a fitness nut. He is 5'11 and was probably 175-180lbs, and wasn't cut or anything, but was in decent shape. I have been up and down with my weight several times over the past 8 years, through pregnancies (up and down), a deployment (down), and having a chronic illness (up). My high weight was 213lbs. He is about 220lbs right now, so he has gained too. I am in the high 180s currently, on my way down from my high weight. I want to at least get back to where I was when he came home from deployment 3.5 years ago; I was working out 5-6 days a week and was nice and fit, around 170lbs, but a healthy 170, not a chubby 170. (Again, I am tall at 5'10.)

    Now, he is just as attracted to me as ever. He makes passes at me, tries to grab a handful of T&A, etc. just as much as he did when we were first dating and only seeing each other on the weekends. However, it does seem to increase when I'm taking care of my health, not because he doesn't find me attractive when I'm overweight, but because the confidence that comes along with being fit is a turn on for him.

    I am still attracted to him, and if it was practical to work in some sort of "adult time" every day, then I would totally take advantage of it. Things are just as good in the bedroom as they ever were, and probably get better over time even though we've both gotten fat over the years.

    That said, I am concerned about his weight and eating habits and I am totally someone who would google something about helping your husband lose weight. Is it because I'm not attracted to him? Of course not; it's because I want him to be healthy. I have a chronic illness that is going to take more and more from me as the years go on, and our kids need to have at least one healthy parent. I am going to need him to be able to help me take care of myself down the road. I also love him and don't want to lose him to a heart attack, I don't want him to develop diabetes, etc. However, it would be a lie if I said that I wouldn't be even more attracted to him if he were eating better and taking care of his body.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is I think it is totally possible for someone to want the person they love to be fit for both health AND physical reasons, and that it doesn't make your husband a bad guy for wanting this for you.
  • aljeca
    aljeca Posts: 83
    my old man gave me a ultimatium a little over a month ago he told me that if i did not lose weight he would leave completely
    i am 5*10 179 i carry weight pretty well because of my height i was comfortable for the most part with myself

    since i have figured out that i should not have to lose weight for him to want me he should want and be attracted to me and love me for me so now i am losing for me and if he dont want me i know there is someone out there who does and will love me for me no matter if i am over weight or not
    i dont think you can love someone if you are not attracted because part of love is attraction it is not true love in my eyes

    Ugh you should leave HIS loser *kitten*.
  • Absref71
    Absref71 Posts: 75 Member
    Wow, this was definitely a good way to get all the women on here going!!

    Not sure if someones already said this, soz just not going to go through 7 pages but thought id give you an honest opinion, as a guy. (at times too honest plus im a bit of a ****)

    No you do not love someone based on their physical attributes, love and all that warm fluffy valentine (puke) stuff really is for the persons character...

    However...

    Attraction is a vital part of any relationship, I have friends that are amazing but im not attracted to them so would never be with them romantically, simple as that.
    The fact that your husband is in love with you wont change but the attraction might, soz.

    Think of it this way, if he got huuuuuge, like massive with body odour and stuff, would you stop loving him, no. But would you rather he looked like ryan reynolds with his top off, duh.

    Everyone would be happy if their spouse built the body of an olympic swimmer but it doesnt mean they expect you to
  • YouAreTheShit
    YouAreTheShit Posts: 510 Member
    My Husband is active duty Army, an infantry soldier and in pretty damn good shape. We have been married 3 years in June and have a beautiful 1 year old Daughter. I was about 160 when we got married (saw that he searched google to get wife to lose weight), lost 30lbs while he was deployed (he showed more interest in me when he came home for leave...hence the baby lol), and then got up to about 195 after my Daughter (felt like he was grossed out by me). Now that I am on this weight loss/healthy living journey he is showing some pretty good support, but I feel its only because he wants me to look like a Victoria Secret model, which I never will...

    SO HERE IS MY QUESTION....can you honestly love and be happy with someone you don't find physically attractive? I'm worried that if I don't get the results he pictures in his head...he might head...out...

    Physical attraction is a bigger deal to some more than others. It really depends on the individual. In this situation I think it's important to communicate as much as possible and to be honest with one another. For you it means that you need to establish your moral boundaries and be clear what it is you will allow and won't allow in your marriage. All while striving to be the healthy and fit for your own sake and the sake of your daughter.
  • paid2surf
    paid2surf Posts: 3 Member
    I'm a guy, and have been military, and my wife is overweight. I'm also 54 years old, so I've been around a while.

    There's this thing I noticed when I was in the service, and that I've seen hold true since then: enlisted guys often choose women who are, or who become, big girls. I've thought about this and have talked with some of the guys, and have decided that they choose these women because the ladies are supportive and helpful and encouraging, and because they're proud of their guys.

    That's the good news.

    Unfortunately, some of these guys also have low self-esteem and a need to control at least one person in their world, more so after a deployment or a missed promotion, and sometimes, when their women take charge of their own lives (finishing education, handling finances, losing weight), the guys are stunned, offended, threatened... and often, they leave.

    There's a difference in bossiness and leadership, and if he has been inspired by any of his officers, or by his experience overseas, you might be able to do a bit of training. That is, you're NOT going to change his mind about your weight, but you may be able to manipulate him into "leading" you instead of coercing you into what you both, coincidentally, desire.

    Sit your husband down and agree with him that it's important that you keep your weight under control, then show him what you're doing (including how MFP works), and ask him to show you what you're missing. Guys love to "teach". If he wants to be helpful, it'll show up in that conversation. If he's just a **** who wants to complain and criticize, he'll get quiet and will soon change the subject to something else that's bugging him. Either way, you'll know where you stand.

    Every now and then, ask for his "help" with your program; let him keep records for you, or assist with grocery shopping, or, if you're working out, ask him to participate.

    Bottom line is, don't make this about keeping or losing him. Make it about creating a positive, collaborative life with your partner, one that you're proud of and can honestly say helps you both be better people.

    PS I love my wife, but we're both heavy; I gained 100 pounds since we married 15 years ago. Now that I'm losing, I'm hoping to inspire her to do the same. I think that's what any good husband would do.
  • JNick77
    JNick77 Posts: 3,783 Member
    My Husband is active duty Army, an infantry soldier and in pretty damn good shape. We have been married 3 years in June and have a beautiful 1 year old Daughter. I was about 160 when we got married (saw that he searched google to get wife to lose weight), lost 30lbs while he was deployed (he showed more interest in me when he came home for leave...hence the baby lol), and then got up to about 195 after my Daughter (felt like he was grossed out by me). Now that I am on this weight loss/healthy living journey he is showing some pretty good support, but I feel its only because he wants me to look like a Victoria Secret model, which I never will...

    SO HERE IS MY QUESTION....can you honestly love and be happy with someone you don't find physically attractive? I'm worried that if I don't get the results he pictures in his head...he might head...out...

    I don't think you need to look like a model but a healthy weight couldn't hurt at all, not to mention just be more healthy. 130lbs isn't exactly VS model range, that's about another 20lbs - 30lbs under that. Let's be honest here, at the very basis of any relationship is physical attraction. If you're not physically attracted to your spouse then it's going to be a rough road.
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