Spouse Not Understanding My Lifestyle Change

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  • mike_littlerock
    mike_littlerock Posts: 296 Member
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    I have tried it on my own, and tried with the support of a loving spouse.. will let you take a wild guess which worked and which failed.

    My first wife was heavier when we got married, i was working out 5 days a week. Instead of trying to eat clean, or coming to the gym, she would sabotage my eating by bringing in foods i craved (which she did not even like), and make me feel guilty about my gym time or planning things in conflict with gym time.. I am not saying those actions are based out of evil intent, but if one spouse if fit and the other is not, its a choice between changing your life or changing the other person.. Lets face it, its often easier to sabotage others than to make those changes in your own life. the results were weight gain for me, and giving up my gym time. After our divorce i put myself into my career 110% and was eating poorly, never exercised and went drinking with the boys FAR too often.

    I was blessed to meet my second wife. she IS everything that i always dreamed about and an amazing person. we actually both gained a little weight after we met, because I LOVE cooking and I did have a habit of wanting to spoil her. after we got married, we both realized we wanted to get in shape. I was kinda down in the dumps over my fitness (or lack of fitness) and was exhausted all the time. we both got into working out and on MFP together. we prop each other up on weak days, cheer each other on on good days, and as we improve we notice the number of good days continues to increase.

    I read that the chances to drop weight, and to keep it off, are FOUR TIMES higher if your spouse has made changes too. you can do it on your own, but the willpower it takes is extraordinary.

    I hope you can educate him that this is something you need and deserve, and I hope he can come along on the Journey with you.. its NOT all about giving up the foods you love, but changing your relationship with food so that those foods are TREATS and not a staple to your daily diet.

    good Luck!!
    Mike
  • lchansen1
    lchansen1 Posts: 22
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    You need to find some sort of compromise. You can't throw his stuff away, thats rude. And he shouldn't leave it out in the open or at home if he understand what it is you are working so hard to do, thats also rude.

    I am pretty sure there are some bombass recipes for healthy snacks that you both could enjoy with whole wheat flour and oats and clean choc chips, bananas, coconut, i could go on and on. And I bet there is a cheesecake one too.

    Why not sit him down, talk clearly, directly and honestly and offer some alternative suggestions for treats that work for both of you. I would love if my BF would make me some healthy delicious treats i could feel good about eating with this eating lifestyle i am into now. I think it is a win-win and it will really help him eat healthier, understand your needs and prevent you from feeling guilty if temptation does win out. That, or he brings it to work to share with his coworkers and not leave an entire cheesecake laying around for the both of you to eat ourselves, lol.

    Good luck, temptation is tough! :explode:

    -Lau
  • DebbieMc3
    DebbieMc3 Posts: 289 Member
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    Some people will never understand the struggles of eating disorders. Perhaps if you explain it AA.
    Alcoholics can't have drinks in moderation and some people with eating disorders can not have cheesecake in moderation.

    Good luck with him but either way, it's about you and not him. You can do this. We are all here for you!

    Debbie
  • tracyface399
    tracyface399 Posts: 83 Member
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    This is exactly me and my husband right now. I go to the gym, make healthy dinners and he watches tv and orders pizza.

    And it bothered me at first, but the realization that I came to is that it was ME that was having an issue and sort of making it more than it really was. I basically just scolded myself for thinking that he was trying to get me to eat these "bad yummy" things he was, but really it was just me wanting to eat them and being annoyed that he was.
    When I figured that out, it was easier for me to ignore that he was still going to keep eating this stuff. It's just not going to change. I had to change my way of thinking. That's really what it came down to.
  • britcurl
    britcurl Posts: 110 Member
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    I like the idea of making the treats he likes, but in a healthier version. For example...here is a cheesecake recipe that will surely fit into anyones calorie goals. Enjoy!

    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/612322-92-cal-big-piece-of-strawberry-cheesecake-pic
  • BettyIW
    BettyIW Posts: 103
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    My son-in-law makes phenomenal cheesecakes. Also my mother-in-law is the one who always always has dessert following a meal. She goes out of her way to have a special dessert even knowing we are working hard at losing weight. I do have a dessert there too but am insistent with her and myself that I have a small portion. I do allow myself to have a special treat especially when others have made an effort to make something homemade. I do watch my portion size; if they dish up a bigger piece, I'll eat it but when I get home I work off those extra calories.
    A past passion of mine was treating myself to a Dairy Queen Pecan Cluster Blizzard. How I loved them! One hot summer day I caved in to my past passion and ordered a SMALL blizzard. Once I logged that SMALL blizzard in, I found out it had like 700 calories!!! OUCH! I forced myself to exercise with my weighted hoola hoop until I exercised those 700 calories off. Have I had a blizzard since then. No, thank you. However, when we do go to the D.Q., I now am very content having a dilly bar.
    I have also found that when I have stopped or lessened my consumption of sweet foods, that when I do have it, it may taste really good while going down but then my body screams at me, 'What are you doing to me?'
    Since your husband likes to bake or cook, perhaps he is missing having that connection with you. Perhaps he just misses sharing that gifting of his with his lovely wife. Is he really trying sabotage you losing weight? Maybe you need to find out new ways of connecting................
  • NelehY
    NelehY Posts: 52 Member
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    My Husband and I are also doing MFP together and have slightly different ideas about what we should be eating.
    We're making it work through compromise and respect.

    Mostly we are finding healthy portions/versions of things we both like to eat (the compromise part).
    When that isn't possible then we just eat DIY / different dinners/meals
    - and agree to disagree and leave it at that (the respect part).

    On a side note though - I am constantly GALLED at how much higher his calorie count can be than mine!
    Which leaves me trying NOT to compare how much more generous his portions are to mine!!

    Which brings me to my 'pennies worth' on your situation
    - and the conclusion that I suspect you have already reached yourself!

    You really do need to find a kind but direct way of making him understand that the taunting and coaxing,
    while not meant vindictively, is genuinely upsetting for you.

    And more importantly - it's distracting your attention away from working on your goals!

    And I also love the portion-freezer suggestion - which saves perfectly good food from going to waste!!
  • pennyrtyler
    pennyrtyler Posts: 79 Member
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    I'm still trying to believe my eyes..........a man made cheesecake? Awesome! :smile:

    Haha, he loves to cook and bake! Which is awesome but results in all kinds of treats I can't eat!

    Thank you all for the advice! What I'm getting the most of is that I need to be direct and honest. I don't want to offend him so I have to be careful how I word it. But I need to be direct so there's no misunderstanding. I really appreciate the responses, thanks so much!

    Men have moments of weakness just like us girls. Especially when creativity strikes in the kitchen! I'm willing to bet that he knows cheesecake shouldn't be on his diet, either. Why don't you suggest that he try out a new kind of cooking that you can both enjoy, such as low cal/low fat sauces and marinades for lean meat, soups, or Mediterranean dishes. Also, I've tried several diabetic dessert recipes and found a few that I adore!

    He might get excited about flexing his creative muscle in the kitchen, and being your dietary hero at the same time, if you just show him the way.
  • louised88
    louised88 Posts: 159
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    I would talk to him about it. Men think differently than we do. He may assume that you can eat treats in moderation, since that seems to be what he is able to do. Explain to him that having these treats around is too tempting for you. Good luck!

    It's not a male/female thing. Like gratuitous gendering much?

    OMG, this. Nothing annoys me more.

    Also, idg why people are making this all or nothing. Why can't the OP's spouse make individual sized portions? I get that willpower will be a factor in the long-term, but in your own home you should be able to relax without constantly struggling with temptation. If the OP's spouse made an individual piece of the treat he is craving and ate it, rather than making a full size cake, wouldn't that be a good compromise?

    Or, and I know this is extreme, if he likes sweet/crisps, why not get a little lockbox and keep them in there? And make it clear that he is NOT to offer them to you.
  • PrincessMissDee
    PrincessMissDee Posts: 183 Member
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    I would talk to him about it. Men think differently than we do. He may assume that you can eat treats in moderation, since that seems to be what he is able to do. Explain to him that having these treats around is too tempting for you. Good luck!

    It's not a male/female thing. Like gratuitous gendering much?

    OMG, this. Nothing annoys me more.

    There are some pretty powerful studies that prove that men think and react differently to women. I think the big thing is usually that they are much more visual. So a woman will have an idea and work with it, while a man will work much better when he sees results.

    Of COURSE there are exceptions to this and not everyone fits the gender stereotype, but what if in this instance, they do?

    At the moment it sounds like he is seeing his results and trying to get them to work for you, if you persevere, it will get easier to show him that your way is working. Then it will be easier to explain how you want to/need to work differently.

    Doesn't really sound like sabotage to me. There is some great advice here, you know what works for your relationship so keep us posted how you go!

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