Asking for money instead of gifts
Replies
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I see nothing wrong with it. I would prefer to give my friends or family what they need.....and money would be great. I had a friend who gave me a gift AND a card with a check in it as well. I didnt ask for that....but was sooooo happy that she did that! It helped us a lot.
As far as etiquette....I remember when my grandparents and family were appalled when they received a card that had a store name on it.....and they asked what they were.....My mom told them it was a registry and I had signed up for things I would like to have, and they couldnt believe it....were appalled...etc. I mean...WHO WOULD DO THAT????? This takes me back to when registry wasnt exactly praised by all. The nerve of people who would pick out their gifts! lol That is what some people said.......
The way I look it it is....if it is a close friend or family member..you will WANT to do what helps them the most. If you think it is rude, go ahead and buy them another towel set....lol. Either way is fine with me. PErsonally though, I would like to do both for them! It makes you feel good twenty five years later when a person comes up to you and introduces you as the person who bought the personalized welcome sign at their wedding...lol. YEs, that happend to me. Felt good. "But, it isnt about ME.......it is about what the COUPLE wants. I am happy to give money to them if that helps them get off to a great start!0 -
I have 2 daughters who both recently married. They had everything they needed, so didn't really want gifts. I think it's a common situation to be in nowadays. One daughter used a poem on her invitation to express the desire for money, the other didn't like to ask, so the 'family' used 'word of mouth' to spread the word. Since one daughter's wedding was to a Chinese family...they give money in red envelopes anyway, so that worked out fine. They rarely buy a gift. They always give money. I thought it was 'tacky' asking at first, but realized, young couples know each other , may live together for a while before they marry and often don't need any household items. I think it's a great idea, if done tastefully.0
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My husband and I hadn't lived with our parents for a combined total of 15ish years when we married. Needless to say, we didn't need anything that you could register for (toasters, towels, etc).
On our invitation, we wrote something along the lines of, "We're fortunate enough to have a lovely, tiny home filled with everything we need and are not registering for gifts. The best present we can receive is your presence blah blah blah"
Gifts you register for need not be "household" items. My nephew and his bride had what they needed but are avid campers and backpackers. They registered for gear they would like to have but would never buy for themselves. You can register for literally ANYTHING. There is no excuse to ask for cash.0 -
I'm getting married in 9 days. However, it is the 2nd marriage for us both and we've lived together for over 2 years and don't need anything material and so haven't registered. That being said we'd love if people gave us money, but would never ask for it. It is a little rude/assuming to out and out ask for it, but I did like the little poem you friend wrote! Keeping my fingers crossed for some checks! lol....
In my day it would have been considered rude to expect any gifts at all for a second marriage.
We aren't expecting anything....we're simply hoping for some money. Which is why we didn't register nor have we asked for anyting. You're quite high and mighty aren't you.0 -
I can't wait to get actual gifts when we get married. We have nothing nice and matching glasses and dishes would be a dream come true! :laugh:
hahahaha
Just wait until you have kids. NONE of your glasses and dishes will match since they will all get broken. LOL0 -
I've seen this before. There are websites people can set up where you help a couple pay for their honeymoon instead of bringing a tangible gift. You sign off like a guest book so they know you contributed and how much.0
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Every wedding I've been to the guests gave the bride and groom envelopes with cash in them, so I thought that was actually what you simply did at a wedding.
Guess it must be a regional or cultural thing.0 -
A good friend of mine is getting married next year. Yesterday, I was over her place, and she asked me to read something. She handed me a piece of paper that said this on it:
"If you were thinking of giving a gift,
to help us on our way.
A gift of cash,
would really make our day.
However, if you prefer to purchase a gift,
feel free to surprise us in your own way."
She said they are called Wishing Wells, and that people are doing it now instead of wanting gifts, as they already have everything they need. I was a little stunned, and quite frankly, had never seen anything like that. I once saw a wedding that asked for a donation to a particular charity in lieu of gifts, but never for actual cash for the bride and groom.
Just wondering what others thought of this, and if it is common and I just have not seen it before. I am not really for or against it, just had never seen it before.......
i got married 2 weeks ago, and we asked for cash towards our honeymoon in vegas in september. we have amazingly generous friends and family as we have ended up only payign for 1/4 of it ourselves.
we didnt see the point asking for 'things' that we dont need or want (we already own a house together), whereas money towards our dream honeymoon has been VERY much appreciated and it'll be a trip we never forget.0 -
Bad form... That's like being invited to someone's house for dinner and telling them how and what they should cook. While it's honest, it's tacky and doesn't show class... If she's asking, then she's obviously concerned about what people think.
Got married last year. A lot of people gave cash/checks, which was nice. (Just make sure she tracks who gave how much. Very important if friends gave $ and get married later on...) We registered at Bed, Bath, & Beyond. We brought back a good chunk of stuff so that we could get the expensive knife set that we wanted, registered for, and knew no one would buy for us.
If they're looking to go on a honeymoon and are booking with a travel agency, many of the agencies will allow people to contribute to the honeymoon. A friend of mine did that. Basically, she had everything she needed, so they registered with the travel agency instead of a store. Much classier.
Also, wishing wells mean different things to different people. Where I grew up, a wishing well means guests bring a small gift ($1 - 10) to the wedding shower. The gifts, usually things like veggie peelers, sponges, new dish cloths, manual can opener, etc. went in something that looks like a wishing well that one would get water out of. Sometimes it was a well that was rented from a party supply store. Sometimes it was a well that was fashioned with a new hamper and a laundry basket. It was NEVER a list of what they B&G wanted. Google Images has a boatload of pictures of bridal wishing wells.
To me it looks even worse than you describe. It's like me inviting you to dinner and, knowing it's traditional for the guest to bring wine or a small token gift, saying I'd prefer you just give me some money to offset dinner. A wedding reception is a party the bride and groom, or their parents, HOST. While it's traditional for a gift to be brought, asking for cash to offset the cost will always be rude. It's not how the host of a party acts.0 -
While I understand the practicality of this, it is terrible etiquette. It's rude to ask people for money, it's even considered rude for the bride and groom to point out where they are registered. Registry info should go out with shower invites so that it's coming from someone other than the bride.
Speaking of showers, does she want money for her shower too? Sounds like that would be a blast, everyone can see how much the others give, "$40 from Aunt Martha, $20 from Cindy, $120 from Grandma". Yikes.0 -
My husband and I hadn't lived with our parents for a combined total of 15ish years when we married. Needless to say, we didn't need anything that you could register for (toasters, towels, etc).
On our invitation, we wrote something along the lines of, "We're fortunate enough to have a lovely, tiny home filled with everything we need and are not registering for gifts. The best present we can receive is your presence blah blah blah"
Gifts you register for need not be "household" items. My nephew and his bride had what they needed but are avid campers and backpackers. They registered for gear they would like to have but would never buy for themselves. You can register for literally ANYTHING. There is no excuse to ask for cash.
so rude to ask for cash but not rude to ask for camping equipment? thats weird. as for me there really isnt that much i need right now. asking for stuff that you dont really need seems rude to me.0 -
While that is tactfully put I dont really like the idea for othe things such as birthday parties or housewarmings or things like that but I do think that its OK for a wedding.
Personally I like to get gifts. I have money to buy myself things but I never do! getting money as a gift I will most likely spend it on my daughter or something for my home.
But I can see that being a request for a wedding.0 -
A good friend of mine is getting married next year. Yesterday, I was over her place, and she asked me to read something. She handed me a piece of paper that said this on it:
"If you were thinking of giving a gift,
to help us on our way.
A gift of cash,
would really make our day.
However, if you prefer to purchase a gift,
feel free to surprise us in your own way."
She said they are called Wishing Wells, and that people are doing it now instead of wanting gifts, as they already have everything they need. I was a little stunned, and quite frankly, had never seen anything like that. I once saw a wedding that asked for a donation to a particular charity in lieu of gifts, but never for actual cash for the bride and groom.
Just wondering what others thought of this, and if it is common and I just have not seen it before. I am not really for or against it, just had never seen it before.......
I've seen that quite a lot in the UK.
One wedding we went to last year, set up a Debenhams account online, you stuck money in and then the bride and groom had the total to use as they saw fit when they got married.
Many people live together first nowadays, hence they have much of what they need, unlike years ago when people got married and then moved in together, they had to get much household equipment, so wedding presents were much needed then.
Personally, I have absolutely no problem with it and do not consider it in any way rude.0 -
seen this before and I have no problem with it, makes my life easier. I just head to the ATM instead of spending time trying to figure out what to get them and them having to return it..0
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While I understand the practicality of this, it is terrible etiquette. It's rude to ask people for money, it's even considered rude for the bride and groom to point out where they are registered. Registry info should go out with shower invites so that it's coming from someone other than the bride.
Speaking of showers, does she want money for her shower too? Sounds like that would be a blast, everyone can see how much the others give, "$40 from Aunt Martha, $20 from Cindy, $120 from Grandma". Yikes.
This is how I've always felt it should be done. Maybe it's just my family but for showers and weddings, the bride and groom NEVER had a hand in anything but registering and then sending thank you notes out if their family and friends were so inclined to seek out the info of where the registries were.0 -
I'm getting married in 9 days. However, it is the 2nd marriage for us both and we've lived together for over 2 years and don't need anything material and so haven't registered. That being said we'd love if people gave us money, but would never ask for it. It is a little rude/assuming to out and out ask for it, but I did like the little poem you friend wrote! Keeping my fingers crossed for some checks! lol....
In my day it would have been considered rude to expect any gifts at all for a second marriage.
We aren't expecting anything....we're simply hoping for some money. Which is why we didn't register nor have we asked for anyting. You're quite high and mighty aren't you.
What's "high and mighty" about it? You're not starting out. A second marriage should be a marriage, NOT a "wedding."0 -
ive never seen it before... but i understand where she's coming from haha. I'm getting married next year and it's not cheap, i would love if my guest would give money instead of gifts as we really don't need anything either.. i don't think i'd come out and say it like she is.. but i did tell my parents that if anyone asks if we need anything to tell them money hahah.
You could always say that you are both saving up for an item that is quite large and money would be invaluable to go towards it.
(You just gotta think up what the "big" item will be though" :oD0 -
I'm getting married in 9 days. However, it is the 2nd marriage for us both and we've lived together for over 2 years and don't need anything material and so haven't registered. That being said we'd love if people gave us money, but would never ask for it. It is a little rude/assuming to out and out ask for it, but I did like the little poem you friend wrote! Keeping my fingers crossed for some checks! lol....
In my day it would have been considered rude to expect any gifts at all for a second marriage.
We aren't expecting anything....we're simply hoping for some money. Which is why we didn't register nor have we asked for anyting. You're quite high and mighty aren't you.
What's "high and mighty" about it? You're not starting out. A second marriage should be a marriage, NOT a "wedding."
why shouldnt it be a wedding?0 -
I'm getting married in 9 days. However, it is the 2nd marriage for us both and we've lived together for over 2 years and don't need anything material and so haven't registered. That being said we'd love if people gave us money, but would never ask for it. It is a little rude/assuming to out and out ask for it, but I did like the little poem you friend wrote! Keeping my fingers crossed for some checks! lol....
In my day it would have been considered rude to expect any gifts at all for a second marriage.
We aren't expecting anything....we're simply hoping for some money. Which is why we didn't register nor have we asked for anyting. You're quite high and mighty aren't you.
What's "high and mighty" about it? You're not starting out. A second marriage should be a marriage, NOT a "wedding."
Which is why we're having a courthouse wedding and a backyard reception with close friends and family. Fail on your assumption.0 -
If they can ask for a toaster, why not ask for cash.
They know what they need better than anyone.
No big deal...IMHO0 -
I've seen this at a couple of weddings I went to last year. Both actually had "wishing wells" so you could put a donation in with out anyone knowing how much which I quite liked. One was using it to renovate their house and the others were putting it towards a honeymoon.
Now the majority of people live together before they get married it does make it more difficult to buy the traditional wedding gift.0 -
Rude indeed. The only time $ donations should be mentioned is if the couple is requesting donations to charity. I've seen, "Thank you for thinking of us. A donation to a charity of your choice would be appreciated." That is classy!0
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My husband and I hadn't lived with our parents for a combined total of 15ish years when we married. Needless to say, we didn't need anything that you could register for (toasters, towels, etc).
On our invitation, we wrote something along the lines of, "We're fortunate enough to have a lovely, tiny home filled with everything we need and are not registering for gifts. The best present we can receive is your presence blah blah blah"
Gifts you register for need not be "household" items. My nephew and his bride had what they needed but are avid campers and backpackers. They registered for gear they would like to have but would never buy for themselves. You can register for literally ANYTHING. There is no excuse to ask for cash.
so rude to ask for cash but not rude to ask for camping equipment? thats weird. as for me there really isnt that much i need right now. asking for stuff that you dont really need seems rude to me.
Yes. It's rude to ask for cash. People don't need china and crystal, or matching towels either. EVERYTHING you'd register for as a wedding gift is a "want." But asking for money, especially on the grounds that a wedding is expensive, suggests that the guests at a party you've invited them to, should help finance that party. That isn't what hosts do.
If you don't really need anything, say so. Suggest that "no gift" is fine, or suggest guests donate to a favorite charity. Asking for money is rude.0 -
While I understand the practicality of this, it is terrible etiquette. It's rude to ask people for money, it's even considered rude for the bride and groom to point out where they are registered. Registry info should go out with shower invites so that it's coming from someone other than the bride.
Speaking of showers, does she want money for her shower too? Sounds like that would be a blast, everyone can see how much the others give, "$40 from Aunt Martha, $20 from Cindy, $120 from Grandma". Yikes.
This is how I've always felt it should be done. Maybe it's just my family but for showers and weddings, the bride and groom NEVER had a hand in anything but registering and then sending thank you notes out if their family and friends were so inclined to seek out the info of where the registries were.
Is a "wedding shower" an American thing? Never heard of this, what's wrong with the hen-do and wedding?! Any excuse for a party I suppose...0 -
My wife and I did that, we had a destination wedding though so the people that came to it brough and 'envelope gift' consisting of gift cards and cash. it was awesome for us cause we used some on our honeymoon. We had a smaller ceremony later for those who couldn't come, we got mostly gifts at that one or gift cards. Let's be honest one of the reasong to have a party and put money into a wedding is the return you get from it, which is gifts. People are too sensitive now a days.0
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I think it is okay to ask for cash. Cash is the right color, it fits in with the decor, they dont have to worry about returning. It allows the recipient to get what is really needed. It saves the giver time and worry of searching for a gift. I would say that there proper etiquette when asking for monetary gifts. Your friend and seach online for proper wording when asking for monetary gifts. I see nothing wrong with asking.0
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I'm getting married in 9 days. However, it is the 2nd marriage for us both and we've lived together for over 2 years and don't need anything material and so haven't registered. That being said we'd love if people gave us money, but would never ask for it. It is a little rude/assuming to out and out ask for it, but I did like the little poem you friend wrote! Keeping my fingers crossed for some checks! lol....
In my day it would have been considered rude to expect any gifts at all for a second marriage.
We aren't expecting anything....we're simply hoping for some money. Which is why we didn't register nor have we asked for anyting. You're quite high and mighty aren't you.
What's "high and mighty" about it? You're not starting out. A second marriage should be a marriage, NOT a "wedding."
Which is why we're having a courthouse wedding and a backyard reception with close friends and family. Fail on your assumption.
Congrats on your happiness Foxy2311.
Don't let the hangry people bother you.
It's none of there business.0 -
Lol, I guess we were "rude" for asking for money in lieu of gifts then. In '98 when we got married, we lived in VA and got married in CA because both our families and friends resided there.
We asked for money because to ship gifts back to VA wouldn't guaranteed that they would arrive there in perfect shape and to pay extra to ensure it would cost a lot more money. We did have a wishing well and received over $6000 and just a couple of gifts that were small enough to put in luggage.
IMO, it's the person's wedding and giving them what they ask is the best thing you can do for them so I have no issue whatsover if money is asked for in lieu of gifts. But maybe I'm just not that sensitive the actual etiquette of it.
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
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Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
Just to answer a few things that have come up:
She didn't ask, she has just been showing me everything as it comes up, we are close friends, like I said, I am actually MC at the wedding....so we have been talking wedding all along, in fact, I think she was a little stunned that I was stunned....
This is the second marriage for him, but first for her
And yes, she is having a bridal shower and they are having a stag and doe also......0 -
ive never seen it before... but i understand where she's coming from haha. I'm getting married next year and it's not cheap, i would love if my guest would give money instead of gifts as we really don't need anything either.. i don't think i'd come out and say it like she is.. but i did tell my parents that if anyone asks if we need anything to tell them money hahah.
You could always say that you are both saving up for an item that is quite large and money would be invaluable to go towards it.
(You just gotta think up what the "big" item will be though" :oD
And when you purchase that "big item" you should send the contributors a picture or two so they can share your joy.0
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