My Husband Doesn't Understand - I Need Advice
Replies
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Sounds like he's jealous to me.
I would NOT jump to this conclusion. Imagine him being obsessed with something and you not being into it much. If you are doing P90X AND insanity, and always talking carbs and protein and what not, it could get old for anyone not all into that stuff.
just do your thing and go about your business and live it more and talk it less.0 -
Sounds like he's jealous to me. I take it he doesn't work out or have any hobbies he likes to do then. I agree with the comment about setting it up yourself. If he doesn't want help then sod him. I can't see how he can have a problem with you wanting to be fit and healthy and i know it is probally annoying to keep going on to him about protien, muscles ect (e.g. No Steve we don't really care how many eggs you've eaten this week but we will smile and look interested anyway because this is something YOU like to do and........well you get the idea.). We are probably all guilty of something like that on here. He needs to man up and give you some support! Maybe you can get him off his *kitten* and get him working out too. Hope you sort it (him)
See, that's the thing. He appreciates that I work on my body because he likes that I look good. He HAS supported me. It's not that he's NOT. I think, as others have mentioned, there's more at play here.
And I can't spend all my time talking about fitness and working out rather than with my family. So as I've said, I'm glad he pointed it out that it had gone that far.0 -
I applaud your quest for fitness, but it does sound like you are somewhat obsessed! Instead of p90x and weight benches, what about looking for sports and activities you can all enjoy as a family? Maybe try riding bikes or going on a hike as a family? Surely there are ways you can find a passion you can pour yourself into that in addition, your whole family can enjoy?
I'm all for balance but if she wants to lift she should lift. Why palm her off with "why not go for a nice stroll or bike ride with the kids"?
I wonder if the same advice had been given to her if she was a guy?
Took the words right out of my mouth. Everyone needs something for themselves, ESPECIALLY mothers, who are often expected to be just that, and nothing else.0 -
Sounds like he's jealous to me.
I would NOT jump to this conclusion. Imagine him being obsessed with something and you not being into it much. If you are doing P90X AND insanity, and always talking carbs and protein and what not, it could get old for anyone not all into that stuff.
just do your thing and go about your business and live it more and talk it less.
This is exactly what I think I'm coming to understand. I never once thought he was jealous of me. LOL. That is laughable, honestly.
I like what you're saying though - live it more and talk it less.
Only, obviously, but live it more, that doesn't mean add another hour to my workout routine. I know exactly what you mean, and I think I'm going to make that my motto next time I find myself about to tell my husband about the latest protein shake (for example). 0 -
I do tend to obsess, and he calls me on it, and I fix it, and we're good.
And I need his help and support to move things around in the basement so we can make room for it and put it together.
but I DO want the weight bench, he sighs and looks at the TV or computer or something else he's doing and says "All right" or "We'll talk about it later" in that way that means he doesn't want to do it at all.
Your relationship doesn't sound so good, it sounds like by I fix it you mean I go ahead and do what I want! Maybe he feels that if he "let's" you have the weights bench in the basement you will become even more obsessed with you. Who wants to feel like they are competing for their partners attention with a weights bench!
Please don't think I am knocking your working out or trying to judge you, I'm not I usually workout 5 days a week and I have a husband and son and know how important it is to have your own space. The issue here is that your family don't feel like you aren't an active part of the unit because you are too focused on you. Is there anyway you could use MFP for the majority of your lifestyle chit chat and spend some more quality time with your family talking about things you are all interetsed in. Maybe you feel like you have balance but it doesn't sound like they do. If you want that bench in the basement without wrecking your relationship I think you need to make your husband feel like he is as important to you as your lifestyle that he isn't involved in. Good luck I hope you find a balance that you are all truly happy with! :drinker:0 -
I guess if you're making a lifestyle change - and it is exactly that, then is IS going to be something that you talk about and obsess a bit about for a while. It's a big part of your life, so the inevitability is that you'll want to talk about that - you shouldn't feel like you have to stifle that out of fear of being criticised by other people.
For me, if you really do want to set the bench up explain to him how important it is to you. You have your roles as a wife and as a mother, but it's also important that you have time that is focused purely upon making yourself feel happy. If you don't get that, that's when those other roles start to become compromised.
Regarding him worrying about past ED issues maybe sit down and have a proper chat about it. Perhaps he misinterprets your interest and passion for fitness as one of obsessing over weight-related issues, and sees himself as trying to protect you from possibly revisiting old ground. Give him the NROLFW to have a flick through, or leave it on the coffee table or something for him to find. There's also the possibility that he might take a shine to the workout bench once it's set up too 0 -
My conversation with my husband would be similar, but he wouldn't be worried about me obsessing (he's used to that) he would just be worried that I would want to get rid of stuff in the basement (he's a pack rat). Sounds like you have some time to get everything ready, and it sounds like the basement could use some cleaning up and sorting through...so, maybe you can get him involved in helping with that, maybe you will be better off doing it by yourself, but in either case maybe now is the time to work on that so that when it comes time to do the bench set-up all the prep work will already be done. And it's probably worth trying to talk to him about the bench later, when he's calm, and receptive...like after sex...men are always much more pleasant to deal with after a good lay.0
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I do chatter at my husband about exercise and eating and all that. He always gives me a 'look' when I say "I can't eat anymore, I'm out of calories" But then again, he never stops talking about work...I get so tired of listening to him go on and on about work! Maybe that's what is up with your husband. He would just like to have a conversation with you that doesn't involve calories and Shaun T and sweat! Maybe you need a date night or something that includes a promise not to talk about all that stuff.0
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We always say men do not communicate, well this is his way of telling you something that you need to listen to. He's most likely afraid that you are going to add another thing to your exercise list that takes your time away from him. I would wait till you are done with Insanity and then ask so he knows this is a replacement for that hour, not something additional. I love to read and when I get into a good book my husband starts making comments about it, but it's his way of saying get your nose out of your book for at least one night and pay attention to me. It sounds like you need to just find some balance and he'll go back to being supportive again.0
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Looks like i may have jumped into this one without taking enough time to look at all the angles. Apologies.0
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bump for later0
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My husband complained once because I refused to eat his homemade chicken wings that were loaded with fat. I told him he can take me as I am now, or I can always quit and pack on the 65 pounds I've lost just to make him happy again. It's his choice. Since then he has been very supportive.0
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Set it up yourself. You could have worse 'obsessions'.
Amen!0 -
My husband complained once because I refused to eat his homemade chicken wings that were loaded with fat. I told him he can take me as I am now, or I can always quit and pack on the 65 pounds I've lost just to make him happy again. It's his choice. Since then he has been very supportive.
I didn't even mention that part of it! My husband is so supportive in my diet. He does most of the cooking, so if he wants something fried, he cooks mine separately. He thinks about me when deciding what to add to the meal. He will buy frozen breaded tilapia...and a bag of non-breaded tilapia for me. That sort of thing. He's very, VERY thoughtful when it comes to my meals.
And Hunterkiller - we're cool. 0 -
We men can be pretty dumb. Haven't met a guy yet that doesn't like his wife/girlfriend to be his arm candy and yet sometimes we stand it the way. I bet down deep he admires what you're doing and probably feels like he should join in, just hasn't got up the motivation yet. You've gotten a lot of good suggestions on this thread and I'm not sure I can add anything. I would definitely find another group of people, maybe a girlfriend, in which you could share your enthusiasm and I would start cleaning out the basement. Best of luck to you!0
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this ^^ cuz i just txt mine tellin him how good my cals are...god!! LOLI don't have any advice but I had to chuckle because I just texted my husband while he is out playing darts just to tell him I can now do real military style push ups! Yep. I talk about it a lot.0 -
^ I like this. If you integrate some of your activities with your family, you'll get the benefits of exercise while making it more about your family. 2hours+ a day is a lot for a personal activity. If he wanted to go fishing for 3 hours a day, every day, I think you'd be going "seriously?" I know most on here won't equate fishing and working out, but at the end of the day they are 2 hobbies/lifestyle choices that people choose. You should be able to get the benefits/changes you want in under 2 hours a day. Maybe if you scale back the time you're working out and spend more with him he'll be more receptive. That's also not a guarantee. Some people just like someone beside them every second even if you're doing/saying nothing. If he's like that, then there is no happy answer. You just have to do what you need to do and hope they can become more independent as well.I applaud your quest for fitness, but it does sound like you are somewhat obsessed! Instead of p90x and weight benches, what about looking for sports and activities you can all enjoy as a family?. Maybe try riding bikes or going on a hike as a family? Surely there are ways you can find a passion you can pour yourself into that in addition, your whole family can enjoy? Why not get them all obsessed with you? :happy:
As to the weight bench, I guess I would question your need for a weight bench at all. it's actually a very limited device and there's no muscle group you can't activate some other way. Dips and pushups (weighted if necessary), would be some classic examples, but there are many more. Another compromise might be kettlebells. They provide a tremendous workout and take up very little room.0 -
I do tend to obsess, and he calls me on it, and I fix it, and we're good.
And I need his help and support to move things around in the basement so we can make room for it and put it together.
but I DO want the weight bench, he sighs and looks at the TV or computer or something else he's doing and says "All right" or "We'll talk about it later" in that way that means he doesn't want to do it at all.
Your relationship doesn't sound so good, it sounds like by I fix it you mean I go ahead and do what I want! Maybe he feels that if he "let's" you have the weights bench in the basement you will become even more obsessed with you. Who wants to feel like they are competing for their partners attention with a weights bench!
Please don't think I am knocking your working out or trying to judge you, I'm not I usually workout 5 days a week and I have a husband and son and know how important it is to have your own space. The issue here is that your family don't feel like you aren't an active part of the unit because you are too focused on you. Is there anyway you could use MFP for the majority of your lifestyle chit chat and spend some more quality time with your family talking about things you are all interetsed in. Maybe you feel like you have balance but it doesn't sound like they do. If you want that bench in the basement without wrecking your relationship I think you need to make your husband feel like he is as important to you as your lifestyle that he isn't involved in. Good luck I hope you find a balance that you are all truly happy with! :drinker:
No, you're absolutely right. Thankfully, on days I work out twice, I workout before anyone else is even up. so it's only an hour in the evenings when we're all together.
But you're right. I need to refocus my priorities.0 -
^ I like this. If you integrate some of your activities with your family, you'll get the benefits of exercise while making it more about your family. 2hours+ a day is a lot for a personal activity. If he wanted to go fishing for 3 hours a day, every day, I think you'd be going "seriously?" I know most on here won't equate fishing and working out, but at the end of the day they are 2 hobbies/lifestyle choices that people choose. You should be able to get the benefits/changes you want in under 2 hours a day. Maybe if you scale back the time you're working out and spend more with him he'll be more receptive. That's also not a guarantee. Some people just like someone beside them every second even if you're doing/saying nothing. If he's like that, then there is no happy answer. You just have to do what you need to do and hope they can become more independent as well.I applaud your quest for fitness, but it does sound like you are somewhat obsessed! Instead of p90x and weight benches, what about looking for sports and activities you can all enjoy as a family?. Maybe try riding bikes or going on a hike as a family? Surely there are ways you can find a passion you can pour yourself into that in addition, your whole family can enjoy? Why not get them all obsessed with you? :happy:
As to the weight bench, I guess I would question your need for a weight bench at all. it's actually a very limited device and there's no muscle group you can't activate some other way. Dips and pushups (weighted if necessary), would be some classic examples, but there are many more. Another compromise might be kettlebells. They provide a tremendous workout and take up very little room.
I'm cracking up because my husband DOES fish, and if he could fish for 3 hours each day, he would! LOL. If we lived on the water, he would, and I'd spend time on the beach under an umbrella writing (I have one self-published novel and am editing my second).
So...I get your point though.0 -
Maybe try getting your husband to workout with you sometimes. Or maybe ask him to just go on a simple walk with you and talk about how his day has been or talk about a dream vacation you'd like to go on someday.
This is a joke. It's a good idea for most people, but not my husband. LOL. My husband is not one to spend his time working out. Besides...he's still a smoker. He is in good shape because of his job, but he doesn't and won't workout.
He hates riding bicycles. The only sort of thing I can get him to do is hike, and the last time we did that, he was discouraged by my energy and his lack thereof. It's due mostly, I'm sure, to his years and years of smoking.
*sigh*
THIS is so my husband too! I hear ya! Except, he will say things like "A 5k is easy ot run, i did that all the time in the Army" ......um yeah, he did. Like 15 years ago! lol He is not overweight, he is a thin eat whatever he wants kind of guy, but a smoker who has no interest in working out. He also had bets about how long i would continue working out and being healthy, and lost those bets. He was actually supposed to quit smoking when i lost 30 lbs, but it didnt happen. He also told me i couldnt keep it up for 6 months, and i have, and now its getting annoying for him. He has to get up early on Saturday am with our toddler when i go to my fitness class, etc.He hasnt used the word obsessive with me, but he does say that i am taking it overboard. Same thing really.
Anyhow, i said all that to say that i dont really have any advice for you, but you are definitely not alone! Our husbands sound quite similar. I just keep on doing my thing and getting healthier. He likes that my body has changed for the better, but is tired of me putting in all the work to get there. Food is the biggest struggle for us, because he thinks we eat healthy. We dont. (I do, but less so at home)
Good luck, hang in there, and do what you can!0 -
I am thankful to have my wife here on MFP and equally obsessed.
If she were not, I'd just do my thing the way I wanted anyway, and if she was too much a crybaby, I'd start throwing stuff out like game tables and whatever to make room.
My health and fitness goals are paramount, and anybody inhibiting that will be miserable living with me; I would see to it.
There are two ways I always get my way.
1. Mutual respect in a relationship [not just talking about SO - ANY relationship: social, sports, business especially]
2. Fear
If a person refuses to reciprocate the respect I show, then just fear me, because I will get even.
Either way I always end up getting what I want.
Remember, the person who cares the least about the relationship gets to write the rules.
And that is why all his toys are taking up most of the space, and you're the one groveling for a few square feet for a weight bench.
Wise up - DEMAND - DON't ASK!
Good Luck:bigsmile:
...what he said!!!!!
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Communication and compromise. Both of you need to learn and/or practice it. I disagree with those that say "set it up yourself." That, essentially, is disrespectful to your husband's feelings (despite you having the room). I believe that will only cause you further problems. Compromise as to what can he part with in the basement and what he wants to keep. He needs to feel like he has HIS stuff just as much as yours.
You indicated you had issues with ED. Perhaps you may want to consider some short term professional counseling to help you find more balance your "obsession."
Communicate with your husband as to how important this is to you. Have a heart to heart with him and find out exactly why it bothers him. Maybe there is an underlying insecurity he is having a hard time expressing or admitting. If he's just spoken up, I can bet you he's been keeping this inside for a while now and it's been brewing to the point of resentment. Perhaps you and he need to set some boundaries, i.e., no discussing health and fitness in certain rooms or at specific times. Involve him in it, like ask him to be your spotter. You also need to agree to scale back and spend time with him. Plan some fun dates for just the two of you so he feels he is the focus of your attention.
If you want your husband to understand, then it's up to you to listen to him, as well as he listen to you, and meet somewhere in the middle.
Good luck!0 -
My husband finally got over me being fitness obsessed...I guess he accepts that this it what I do and that he'd better be with me rather than left behind. There are much worse things we could be addicted/obsessed over.0
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I think your hubby understands you perfectly well. You need to be a wife as well as a fitness nut.0
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I have read this twice and honestly I don't think your obsessed in the bad way....this sort of lifestyle, is just that a lifestyle and it takes, time, commitment and focus. What I and many others who embark on this path find is that it becomes a passion, the learning, the challenges, seeing your body transform and the way it makes you feel. It's no different than a runner who starts running 10km races and become obsessed with going longer and faster, the high, the feeling of meeting a goal and starting a new challenge, these ppl go on to do marathons, and most non-runners will look at them as obsessed, who would want to run for 4 hours straight? I too am into fitness and talk about it ALL the time to ANYONE who will listen, to the point that some ppl get sick of it and don't want to hear it...but in my opinion it's no different than the guy who sits on the PlayStation 20 hrs a day obsessed with completing the next level or when the newest game is being released, those folks' world revolves around those games, or for some its football or sitting on the couch drinking beer, buying the latest fashions etc..We all have areas we focus on, some more than others..is it healthy? That is subjective...is the action negatively affecting your or your family's health? As far as neglect, this also is measurable, as a woman and a mother I KNOW for a fact we NEVER take time for ourselves, not enough anyways, and fitness is one way we can have some "ME" time, the bonus here is that you are setting a healthy example for those around you and making yourself healthier in the process...My partner (now) is very supportive of my efforts..he sees the positive affects and no negative ones..others on the other hand see all negatives, where there is none. \My ex partner didnt like my fitness interest(and i was no where near involved as I am now), but his reasons were purely selfish and he just didnt want me to look and feel good about myself, meanwhile he spent every free moment on the PlayStation and ignored our kids, I at least have time for my kids and only workout when they are in bed or on my lunch hour at work, I rarely take time away from family time to workout. It's all about balance in life...if this is your thing those around you should support you. Good luck...and don't sacrifice your needs for those of others...may seem selfish but if you don't look after yourself first you won't be able to look after anyone else.
Cheers0 -
I think when he says "There has to be balance" he means "I'm feeling neglected."
Try watching that tv show with him once in a while. Become part of his world.
And if fitness is your thing, don't change that.0 -
It could be the balance. There needs to be an equal balance in both your lives of 'ME' time, 'WE' time and 'US' time. The 'ME' time is of course you and this can possibly be with your fitness and exercise. My hubby did the P90X and I got to a stage where I felt left out and felt like I was always looking after the kids because he would come home after work at 6pm, go straight into 90 mins of exercise, then a shower, and then dinner and by that time it was 10pm or later. I had no time with him, he had no time with the kids. The plus side of it, I thought it was great he was doing something for himself, he was achieving his fitness goals (He lost 23kgs) and he was getting fitter for life really. The 'US' time is between you and your hubby. If you aren't spending as much time together as you are on your fitness, then he's gonna feel left out. Possibly. I dont know. The other part is the 'WE' time where you do something together as a family with your child. There needs to be regular occurances of this, on a weekly basis for example. There also needs to be an understanding that each of your family members gets their own 'ME' time allocated as well. Maybe your partner wants to be doing something himself, maybe its not fitness based but if he hasn't got a hobby or activitiy and a social group himself, he may be feeling like he's missing out on your attention.
I was happy my husband was getting fit and achieving great goals. The only way I finally got to accept it was the fact he motivated me into a starter program that i was able to do myself in my own time and I started losing weight. I dont know your whole situation, I do agree with possibly not talking about it all so much, which kinda sux on its own as you sound so keen and are honestly just talking to him out of interest. I wish he could be just as interested in it as you. Starting out with something like Zumba maybe a way to get your daughter into something with you and then if you can do something with your partner together, it may work to your advantage. Get you both moving and motivated to live active healthy lifestyles hey.
best of luck with what you come up with. Of all things my dear, take time to talk to him. Ask him honestly at a time when he seems calm and approachable as such, not when he raises an eyebrow to your statements, but when he is calmer and able to think through his answers. Ask what is it about what you are doing that you feel he isn't too keen on and that you want his honest opinion. Make it just a time to discuss the situation and that you want to know his opinion on the whole thing. Very very true with not bulking up, you truly wont, its very hard for a woman to do that. You get way quicker results from using REAL actual weights than tiny hand weights and huge repititions. You get nothing from those little pink things other than a waste of time!
Good on you for doing that program though. I'm only giving the starter program of 'Power 90' a go and really like it. good luck0 -
Explain to your husband that lifting will ward off osteoporosis. Because you will build muscle, your bones will need to become stronger.
Also, think of the role model you are setting for your daughter.
Then you could hit him with the fact that if you stay in shape, or even get stronger, sex will be better.
Pull out all the stops and show him pictures of women who lift, but not the ones of women who do steroids and lift.
Slip in there that you do want to be around for a long time and maintain your health is going to allow you to be alive longer and be with him longer. Then ask him if he would like to lift with you. Maybe even convert a bike into a stationary bike for your daughter to get some exercise. Make it a family affair.0 -
Why do you need his permission to set up the bench? In our house I would just do it myself if I wanted it done. But I also don't talk much about my workouts or calories unless its with someone who is like minded. I might mention things here and there to my DH but I do have other more important things to talk about.
But I have always been the type not to even talk about my kids every minute, or B***h about my job all day either. And for the last 3 years I have been home with my kids everyday and other peoples kids and I still have plenty of non-related things to talk about.
I suggest finding other things that you both may be interested in to talk about. My DH and I are two different people when it comes to many things, and can be two separate independent people but also be able to talk about all kinds of things when we are together. Its worked for 18 years and most likely will continue to work for many years to come!0 -
I agree with cutting back on the talking with him for awhile and setting up the weight bench yourself. But also, do some clearing out in your basement...Goodwill or Salvation Army will take your unused items. But, I think it's GREAT that you are so motivated to be fit and healthy!0
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