My boyfriend likes me heavier :(

katoato
katoato Posts: 26 Member
in Motivation and Support
So MFP community,

I've been losing weight with the help of MFP for about 3 months now and have been met with great success. The support from this community has been overwhelming, and has motivated me to really go for my goals! I love how I fit in pants now and I feel better about myself, feel good about what I see in the mirror.

However, my boyfriend is not as happy. He likes me with a bigger cup size, and prefers me heavier. When he sees my pants are loose now, he says things like, "We'll get you some lasagna and help you get those 5-10 lbs back."

I feel like I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place because I LOVE how I look and feel now - I feel so beautiful b/c everything I'm doing for my body is healthy, and my workouts make me feel great. But I also want to please him and make him happy. I feel like I can't do the right thing.

What is your perspective on this? Do you have a spouse that likes you heavier? Really need some opinions and feedback, I'm so confused. . . :(
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Replies

  • MustBeTheRows
    MustBeTheRows Posts: 377 Member
    Your health and body preference take precedence over his. End of story.
  • seekingstrengthX2
    seekingstrengthX2 Posts: 771
    Honestly? I would not have a boyfriend that didnt respect and support my choices.

    Ignore him. This is for YOU!!!!
  • chrishgt4
    chrishgt4 Posts: 1,222 Member
    Perhaps he's concerned that if he were to be supportive, that could be seen as tantamount to him saying that he wants you to change?

    So he is trying to play it safe by showing that he likes you just the way you are.
  • ShenanigansOHoolihan
    ShenanigansOHoolihan Posts: 61 Member
    I feel like he should be happy that you are happy. I'd try sitting down and telling him that while you are really grateful that he liked you at a heavier weight, you didn't like you at a heavier weight...and if you're not happy with yourself, it's kind of hard to worry about making someone else happy. I would let him know that you want to be your best, healthiest self and that involves you exercising and eating right, and hopefully you will live a long, healthy, happy life with him.

    The common theme seems to be that when one partner loses weight/works out/gets healthy, and the other partner isn't doing that they tend to get jealous and worried about why the other one is out there getting fit. It brings out insecurities about whether the person will still like you when they are thinner/fitter/more attractive. It's generally stupid, but from all the threads I've seen here about this issue, it seems that the real issue is the insecurity of the non-fit partner.

    Who knows, maybe he wants to work out with you and that would help curb some of his insecurities. Either way, if you are happy/proud about something you've done, he should be supporting you as your happiness should be more important than your cup size.
  • NNAhuja
    NNAhuja Posts: 669 Member
    I had one that absolutely LOVED me heavy.
    He's an ex. =]
  • almostatgoalweight
    almostatgoalweight Posts: 234 Member
    Just as an observation, it may be that he's just making an occasional comment, and not really caring about it too much. So if you tell him that it's an important issue for you, and you are sensitive to his comments, he'll stop. In terms of "what he wants", we don't get to really choose a partner like was done in the film Cherry 2000. I've had one girlfriend who was thinner than me in the last 25 years of dating. That is not my ideal situation but I know that I need to face realities about the majority of people being overweight/obese and I also know when to keep my mouth shut.
  • lbetancourt
    lbetancourt Posts: 522 Member
    "But I also want to please him and make him happy." <
    this is why i don't make a good girlfriend.

    my bf has mentioned that he likes me heavier as well. but, in the end....... my happiness matters. i will not be heavier. period.

    your happiness should matter to him too.
  • janiceover
    janiceover Posts: 26 Member
    You need to do what makes you happy.....your boyfriend needs to respect that!!
  • yoovie
    yoovie Posts: 17,121 Member
    Perhaps he's concerned that if he were to be supportive, that could be seen as tantamount to him saying that he wants you to change?

    So he is trying to play it safe by showing that he likes you just the way you are.

    Yeah I think he's fumbling for a way to make you feel like this isnt necessary and he really likes you as is. If he gets excited, you might be upset that he may have been hoping for this all along. So he's playing it safe by priving over and over that he's always loved your size.

    Even if thats not the case, your blossoming confidence will win him over.
  • Dave198lbs
    Dave198lbs Posts: 8,810 Member
    Your health and body preference take precedence over his. End of story.

    this
  • patchesgizmo
    patchesgizmo Posts: 244 Member
    get a new boyfriend honey..... no seriously, putting the weight back on is not healthy for you. he needs to support you not sabotage you.
  • DeeVanderbles
    DeeVanderbles Posts: 589 Member
    My fiance likes me just as I am. He doesn't find skinny women attractive. He likes women with "curves." Just last night he asked me how far I was going to go with this and I told him simply that I'm going to go as far as I have to to like my body. I don't want to be skinny. I just want to be thinner and healthy.

    My theory is, once he sees how happy I am with myself, he'll love me that much more. Maybe, once your boyfriend sees you gain confidence from this journey, he'll realize how good it was for you. If he can't accept that and want what is best for you then kick him to the curb but at least give him some time to get used to it and see if it changes his thinking.
  • kimberly3555
    kimberly3555 Posts: 9 Member
    I saw your post. The only person that has to be happy with you is YOU! I'm sure you're boyfriend is wonderful and means well, but a lot of men do not want their women to look and feel better because they (the men) are insecure. As innocent as it may seem, this is a control issue. The better you feel, the more confident you become, and they don't like it. My husband hates when I diet for the very same reasons. The most important thing I can say is that whomever you choose to share your life with, he needs to allow you to be you, not what he wants you to be or not be. And in turn, you shall do the same. You can not change people nor should you try, and the fact that YOU want to make changes health-wise, the right man for you will be the one that supports that, no questions asked. Good luck to you. Remember this ten years down the road b/c the control issues start out just like this, simple and silly things that seem to not be a big deal. Trust me, I live this every day. Get it squared away now, make the decisions best for you, and keep up the good work!!!
  • BigWin20
    BigWin20 Posts: 45 Member
    Unless your boyfriend has some sort of fetish, he just has insecurities about you looking better, getting more self-esteem, and dumping his *kitten*! Seriously though, unless you wanted to do something outrageous, like get down to 85 pounds, why would he be AGAINST you getting thinner, leaner, healthier, more active, and more self-confident? If he loves you he'd want all those things for you. And if he wasn't insecure he'd want them for himself to! Who wouldn't want an in-shape, healthy, confident partner?!
  • gatecityradio
    gatecityradio Posts: 401
    Some guys just like curves.
  • BriaMc
    BriaMc Posts: 177 Member
    Your health and body preference take precedence over his. End of story.

    agreed!!
  • allifantastical
    allifantastical Posts: 946 Member
    Is he heavier? Maybe he fears that if you lose all the weight you will leave him?
  • rbl1225
    rbl1225 Posts: 235 Member
    My boyfriend didn't support me either with this at first. I told him a few things to get him to get on board. He never told me he liked me bigger but he doesn't want my cup size or backside to go away. Why don't you tell him I just want to get healthy don't tell him you are trying to lose more weight. Also I didn't read all the posts so I am not sure what you said your cup size was. Tell him that you think they were hurting your back a lot. I mean it is terrible you are in this boat. If he hears those things he might have a change of heart. I hope he does for your sake it is so hard not to have your guy on your side. If he doesn't turn around though please really think about what you are going to do. Do not let him control something like this in YOUR life. He could be afraid if you lose weight you will leave him my guy was. There might be something in his head going on- maybe he isn't happy the way he looks. You juts need to talk to him fast and try a different way to bring it up. Good luck!
  • DaveRCF
    DaveRCF Posts: 266
    So MFP community,

    I've been losing weight with the help of MFP for about 3 months now and have been met with great success. The support from this community has been overwhelming, and has motivated me to really go for my goals! I love how I fit in pants now and I feel better about myself, feel good about what I see in the mirror.

    However, my boyfriend is not as happy. He likes me with a bigger cup size, and prefers me heavier. When he sees my pants are loose now, he says things like, "We'll get you some lasagna and help you get those 5-10 lbs back."

    I feel like I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place because I LOVE how I look and feel now - I feel so beautiful b/c everything I'm doing for my body is healthy, and my workouts make me feel great. But I also want to please him and make him happy. I feel like I can't do the right thing.

    What is your perspective on this? Do you have a spouse that likes you heavier? Really need some opinions and feedback, I'm so confused. . . :(

    Just show him how your weight loss and increased fitness translate into more fun between the sheets! That'll shut him up. In fact you won't be able to wipe the silly grin off his face.
  • johnnys30
    johnnys30 Posts: 64 Member
    You're not married. No lawyers needed. Just dump him and move on.
  • Elf_Princess1210
    Elf_Princess1210 Posts: 895 Member
    Well, my husband isn't happy about my butt getting flatter, but he likes the fact I want to have sex more often :D. So he doesn't complain and is excited that when I get down to goal that we'll be able to do more interesting positions >:D
  • misticache
    misticache Posts: 364 Member
    This is going to sound mean but get a new boyfriend. He must feel insecure and that's why he wants you heavier. If he can't be supportive now he will never make a good husband so don't waste your time or his. Try to talk to him about why this is important. Maybe he will come around.
  • cunfewzed1
    cunfewzed1 Posts: 80
    I wouldn't dump him. He's probably not trying to be a jerk. My guess is he's trying to show you that he loves you with or without the 5-10 lbs. As a man, I like a larger cup size just like the next guy but I doubt he's that dumb.
  • DaveRCF
    DaveRCF Posts: 266
    You're not married. No lawyers needed. Just dump him and move on.

    Gimme a break. What happened to working through issues? People these days give up on relationships too easily. For all you know she's got a significant emtional capital invested in this relationship.
  • mrsnathanandrew
    mrsnathanandrew Posts: 631 Member
    You need to do what makes you happy.....your boyfriend needs to respect that!!

    ^^ This definitely!!
  • eliz_in_pink
    eliz_in_pink Posts: 278 Member
    Here is what you say to him...
    "If I am healthier than I will be around a lot longer. You can have me for a lot longer to love on."
    Tell him you are giving him the gift of a longer, fuller, better, healthier life. :)


    My hubby LIKED me heavier too, but he got over that when my sex drive went up :) And he also saw how much happier and care free I am now that I have shed 90 pounds. He would never take my happiness away from me.
  • still_crafty
    still_crafty Posts: 682 Member
    Some guys just like curves.

    I'm not "heavy" any longer and still have curves.

    He's an asshat . . . move on and find someone who will like you no matter how you look so long as you are happy.
  • kylejh
    kylejh Posts: 221 Member
    My ex-GF was the same with me. Back in January, I had looked at some pics of myself from Christmas, and was disgusted with how I looked. I told her I was too fat, and she said I wasn't. I dumped her the same day I started my weight loss journey (for other reasons) and have never looked back. I'm sure she would have tried to sabotage me with sweets and fatty foods along the way.
  • ItsMeRebekah
    ItsMeRebekah Posts: 909 Member
    its all abt YOU BABY!! =)
    sometimes you just have to do and say that.
    also, cup size? really? i have a feeling thats where this is coming from and thats pretty lame.

    if i were you i would get new pants tho.. we all look pretty hot when our clothes fit nice and smooth =)

    be proud, be happy, keep with your goals. its not abt anybody else. my husband constantly tells me i look good, he loves me how i am.. but i KNOW once i lose my weight and get back to pre-baby size he will love that JUST as much!
  • 1horsetown
    1horsetown Posts: 247 Member
    This can be one of 2 things.

    1. He just likes the feel of a 'curvier' body. It takes all types to make the world go round.

    or.

    2. Some where in his little brain he wants control. Heavier women are frequently seen as less secure/ confident. (I'm not saying they are or aren't) But if you are heavier, you would be less desireable to other men and less likely to leave him.

    The question is: which one is he?

    In my opinion: it's control. He should love you for who you are, where you are. He should want you to be happy/healthy.

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