My boyfriend likes me heavier :(

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  • chelley_79
    chelley_79 Posts: 102 Member
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    Maybe he doesn't mean it the way it sounds?? I hope.

    My husband (who is a skinny minny... lol) loved me at almost 400lbs and after gastric bypass he still loves me now.... Saggy baggies and all... LOL. He always tells me who I am is more important than what I look like.... and he still tells me I'm pretty. Come to think of it... I have a pretty awesome turd for a hubby!! :-)

    As long as you're happy... all that matters. I'm sure there are things about him that you don't like or approve of either. lol Maybe just tell him it hurts your feelings... maybe he's insecure about himself or that you will leave him?

    Best of luck to you on your weight loss and in your relationship!!
  • Cold_Steel
    Cold_Steel Posts: 897 Member
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    There are a million reasons why a guy would say or think that. Not a single one is healthy or conducive to a healthy relationship.
  • impyimpyaj
    impyimpyaj Posts: 1,073 Member
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    So MFP community,

    I've been losing weight with the help of MFP for about 3 months now and have been met with great success. The support from this community has been overwhelming, and has motivated me to really go for my goals! I love how I fit in pants now and I feel better about myself, feel good about what I see in the mirror.

    However, my boyfriend is not as happy. He likes me with a bigger cup size, and prefers me heavier. When he sees my pants are loose now, he says things like, "We'll get you some lasagna and help you get those 5-10 lbs back."

    I feel like I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place because I LOVE how I look and feel now - I feel so beautiful b/c everything I'm doing for my body is healthy, and my workouts make me feel great. But I also want to please him and make him happy. I feel like I can't do the right thing.

    What is your perspective on this? Do you have a spouse that likes you heavier? Really need some opinions and feedback, I'm so confused. . . :(

    I haven't read the whole thing, but here's my take. If he loves you for YOU, he's going to love you even if your body type changes. Because he'll want you to be happy and healthy and confident, rather than wanting you to stay stagnant just because of his preferences.

    My husband prefers my hair short. But I still grow it out sometimes, because I want to. He also prefers me without makeup, but I don't always feel confident without it (bad skin), so I wear it anyway. And he still loves me and tells me I'm beautiful, because he thinks I am, even when I'm not exactly the way he'd prefer. I prefer him with a beard, but if he ever decided to shave it off, I'd be ok with that, because it's his face, not mine.

    Talk to him about how you feel, and about how his comments make you feel. If he's insistent that you not lose any more weight and will not back off from it, it might be time to re-evaluate your relationship and your personal priorities. But have the conversation first, and keep it calm and reasonable. He's allowed to have a preference, and if that's all it is, that's ok. But if that preference crosses the line into controlling, that's not ok.
  • ljd0693
    ljd0693 Posts: 289 Member
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    That's just his insecurity talking. He knows if you loose weight you're self-esteem will go up and you'll end up finding someone that does appreciate you the way you are.

    Dump him now and focus on what you want in life.
  • terpsoccer
    terpsoccer Posts: 22 Member
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    Wow. It sounds like he may feel threatened and is deflecting on you. I would try to feel him out on that, but truth be told a a partner should support you in all was. You wouldn't say what he said to you back at him.
  • Cold_Steel
    Cold_Steel Posts: 897 Member
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    There are a million reasons why a guy would say or think that. Not a single one is healthy or conducive to a healthy relationship.

    Jealousy over the changes, loss of control or an attempt to control your self esteem, guilt over any of the above feelings, fear that you may leave him now that you have "changed" and a myriad of other reasons.
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,022 Member
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    I'm wondering how serious these comments are. The one example you gave sounds to me like it could've been a joke about your pants no longer fitting, rather than an indication of his desire to see you at a heavier weight.

    If it bothers you, tell him, and do it in a non-confrontational/accusatory way. Don't assume the worst about him, like several of the responders on this thread have. If he starts to get insistent about you not losing any more weight, then it's decision time for you. But he may very well mean nothing at all by his comments and be completely unaware that you're taking him so literally.
  • nevertoolate2
    nevertoolate2 Posts: 309 Member
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    Your health and body preference take precedence over his. End of story.

    This and you have to ask yourself why he would prefer you fatter, less healthy, less happy and less confident?
  • eriemer
    eriemer Posts: 197
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    Yeah my hubbie is the same! He complains all the time about how my butt is smaller and how he doesn't like it.

    I ignore him now. This is for me, not him! If he doesn't like it, too bad. He does do things to sabatage my successes too. Like not giving me time to go workout, or complaining/guilt trip when I do/argueing. I try to ignore that too and be assertive. He's either with me or can STFU. It's been over 4 months now and has gotten better. I think he finally has started to accept this is my new lifestyle.

    Stick with it! If he only wants you for what was on the outside not what's inside, he's not worth your time or energy. A lot of ppl grow distant when one person decides to change. He needs to chose if he's a part of your change or not. This has nothing to do with you. Stop revolving your life around him and focus on your needs and health. If he's worth it he''ll stick around, if not you can find someone who wants you no matter what.
  • BigWin20
    BigWin20 Posts: 45 Member
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    There are a million reasons why a guy would say or think that. Not a single one is healthy or conducive to a healthy relationship.

    THIS
  • Bobby_Clerici
    Bobby_Clerici Posts: 1,828 Member
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    Some guys like their ladies fat to cut down competition.
    Whatever....
    Just, ignore him, and do what's right for you.
    He'll either get over it or get out.
    You'll be fine either way, because you'll be fit, healthy and happy. He can either get on the train or get out the way.
    Once you're thinner, better guys will be available, and he knows this.
    Good Luck :flowerforyou:
  • ninakir88
    ninakir88 Posts: 292 Member
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    I'd be pretty mad about him commenting on the bra size.
    Not nice. :/
  • shadyj26
    shadyj26 Posts: 102 Member
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    I think that he's jealous because the heads are turning to take a look. Stay strong and forget what he's saying. You are doing this for you because you want to be healthier. One day he will realize how hot you are.
  • AJ_Pete
    AJ_Pete Posts: 863 Member
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    Is it just me, or are all the "dump the jerk" comments coming from women? Bitter women are bitter.

    Seriously.... talk with him. Let him know your intentions with the weight loss... ask him why he wants you a certain way..... talk it out.... don't "dump the jerk"... his comments don't seem mean or degrading.... it would be plain stupid to do so. Be happy with yourself..... and don't gain the weight back for him because eventually you will resent him for it.
  • RavenhairedWoman
    RavenhairedWoman Posts: 661 Member
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    You might have to kick him to the curb. Trust me, your own happiness in your own skin is ten billion times more important than what he wants. Don't try to please him, just make yourself happy. If he can't be happy for you then he is just jealous and doesn't deserve you. I still have a long way to go so I am not even looking to get into another relationship right now. For years I had to deal with guys telling me that I looked fine and being a bad influence on my eating habits to the point where I gained way too much weight and didn't think there was anything wrong with it. However my self-esteem and confidence went completely down the drain. With the weight that I have already lost I already feel more confident and more secure in my own self worth. Maybe he is scared that you will get too confident and see that you are out of his league and he fears that you might end the relationship and find yourself someone who is more worthy of a catch like you :).
  • k8ermarie
    k8ermarie Posts: 204
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    So MFP community,

    I've been losing weight with the help of MFP for about 3 months now and have been met with great success. The support from this community has been overwhelming, and has motivated me to really go for my goals! I love how I fit in pants now and I feel better about myself, feel good about what I see in the mirror.

    However, my boyfriend is not as happy. He likes me with a bigger cup size, and prefers me heavier. When he sees my pants are loose now, he says things like, "We'll get you some lasagna and help you get those 5-10 lbs back."

    I feel like I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place because I LOVE how I look and feel now - I feel so beautiful b/c everything I'm doing for my body is healthy, and my workouts make me feel great. But I also want to please him and make him happy. I feel like I can't do the right thing.

    What is your perspective on this? Do you have a spouse that likes you heavier? Really need some opinions and feedback, I'm so confused. . . :(

    1st - ALWAYS DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU!
    2nd - IF HE DOESN'T SUPPORT WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF THEN OH WELL.
    3rd - IT SOUNDS LIKE HE MAY BE JEALOUS OR WORRIED THAT YOU WILL LOSE THE WEIGHT AND MOVE ON.

    I have definitely learned that if I am not happy with myself, I cannot be fully happy with others and in life. Make you happy and you will make others happy too! Including him. Maybe he just needs more time to adjust!

    Good luck!
  • FairuzyAmanuzy
    FairuzyAmanuzy Posts: 221 Member
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    My husband likes "curvy" women as well. I've lost 100lbs so far and am finally to the point where I am losing the extra fluff. I asked him if he wanted me to stop. He said, "what would be super hot, is you being confident about you body." Love that man.
  • jdploki70
    jdploki70 Posts: 343
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    A bit of perspective. She is dropping 20 lbs, total. Honestly I can't see that being a life threatening weight. Men in general don't like change in their spouses/significant others unless it's a reversion to what attracted them in the first place. But, it is something that you are working on, and working hard on, as well. Perhaps a bit of communication about how important it is that he be supportive would help.

    On a related note, my wife has made the same type of comments, about how I've lost my *kitten*, how she doesn't like me this thin, how I should stop before I get very thin, etc. I don't let it phase me, she lets it go after a comment or two. When you are involved with someone you are essentially both living the same life, and people don't like to see changes in their lives that they have no control over. If he is adamant about not supporting you, or tries to sabotage you after you have made your concerns clear, then yeah, likely time to move on.
  • krystyleee
    krystyleee Posts: 219
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    Your health and body preference take precedence over his. End of story.

    Exactly!
  • w2bab
    w2bab Posts: 353 Member
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    If your clothes have gotten baggy, maybe he just misses seeing your curves. If you love the way you look now, maybe buy some clothes that show off your NEW curves.

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