Is this mean?

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Gwenski
Gwenski Posts: 348 Member
in Chit-Chat
So, I wrote this letter to my Mom today. I really hope it's not mean or hurtful, but needed to set things straight with her.. thoughts?


HI Mom;
I do hope this letter finds you well , happy, and comfortable today. The summer sun is lovely, but my goodness, it does get hot !

I am writing to you today in hopes that I can communicate with you some things that are very important to me. Sometimes, if things are written down they can be read and re-read until they are clear. If someone simply says something, they can be misunderstood, or misheard. When things are important, It is so good to be as clear and understood as possible.
Mom, I love and appreciate you so much.
I am always amazed at how hard you work to express your deep love of your children. You have certainly done a great job always trying to be on our side, so THANK YOU SO MUCH!
In just a few short years, I will be retiring with my husband and moving away. It is my deepest desire to make these last few years here happy, healthy, and filled with good times with people I love, and I’m wondering if you would be willing to help me with that?
While I normally love spending time with you, there are some difficulties that need to be addressed.
I have attempted to be quite clear about a few things in the past, but I am noticing that my wishes are not respected in a few very important areas of my life. I am writing today to ask you to please respect me in these specific areas in hopes that with boundary lines are drawn, we can both enjoy each other’s company.
• Please do not reveal any of my personal business to other family members. If a brother or sister asks about me simply say that I am doing fine, and if they wish to know more they may contact me personally. Though I have forgiven you for telling my sister about my weight loss, I do feel like you breached my trust; and though you told me you had done it, you did not apologize. I would really like a sincere apology that shows you understand how violated I felt. A person’s weight should no more be discussed with others as the balance in a person’s bank account. Quite simply, it’s personal, and none of anyone else’s business. It made me feel like my body, and what I’m doing with it, was a supply of nothing more than juicy gossip; and it hurt me greatly.
• Please stop asking if I have been weighed lately. You may not even realize but you do this EVERY TIME WE SPEAK. My weight is my weight, not yours. I’m sure you would find it rude if someone knocked on your door and asked “So, have you got weighed lately? Did you lose anything? How much?” Similarly, it rude to ask me. Please give me the same respect that you would anyone else.
• Please stop visually inspecting me and making faces and comments on my clothing and how I look in them. To tell the truth, you make me feel like a heifer at the fall fair. It’s demeaning, and hurtful. It’s even more hurtful that you then share your opinion with others. Did you notice that when I visit now, I cover almost my entire body with loose clothing so that you can’t judge me? That’s why I wore that heavy brown sweatshirt (and was uncomfortable and hot) the last time we visited. Do you really want to force me to that extreme?
You seem to be very preoccupied with how I look instead of, who I am, how I am, what I have to share, news, and just enjoying our time together. It feels like my body and how it looks in clothing has an importance to you that surpasses what makes me happy, what I’ve been doing, what stirs my passions, - why can’t we just talk about those things instead? , and please, please,PLEASE, keep what we discuss just between us.
Mom, I love you dearly, and I want to spend time with you. But, these things that you do must stop immediately and forever so that I can enjoy my time with you. I really do believe that deep down, you love me enough to want me to feel loved; but right now, you are making me feel like just a source of entertainment and something to gossip about. How can I see that as love? Things have to change on your end or our relationship means very little to you.
I really have tried to be as clear as possible. If you are unclear about anything I’ve said here, feel free to call me for clarification. If you would like to call and just talk within respectful boundaries, I’d love to just chat!
I’m sure we will talk soon,
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Replies

  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
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    I don't think it is.

    Honestly it's honest, heartfelt and has a lot of positives.
  • Captain_Tightpants
    Captain_Tightpants Posts: 2,215 Member
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    Are you that distant from your mom that you couldn't say this to her face to face? A letter seems awful cold.
  • TylerJ76
    TylerJ76 Posts: 4,375 Member
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    Are you that distant from your mom that you couldn't say this to her face to face? A letter seems awful cold.

    This.
  • jplord
    jplord Posts: 510 Member
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    This is the sort of letter you write to yourself; for yourself. It will only hurt her. You are not being mean. You are doing the right thing to articulate your feelings, but don't try and persuade her all at once. Better to keep it simple and when she says something offensive, just say "Mom I know you love me but that is offensive. Please don't don't do that." Shorter. Easier for her to digest.

    Forgiving your Mom's behavior will be easier on both of you rather than trying to change your Mom all at once. But as each occasion presents itself, let her know your feelings.

    I am NO EXPERT, but this is how I handled my (very similar) Mom. She never changed, but I could cope better.
  • Jersey_Devil
    Jersey_Devil Posts: 4,142 Member
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    i'd say this...not write it. 1st its too "deep" to be a letter. Its better as something thats said. 2nd. its too long.
  • JennedyJLD
    JennedyJLD Posts: 123 Member
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    (Redacted)
  • northernbeaver
    northernbeaver Posts: 29
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    Very brave letter! I sure hope she receives it with the love and care that it was meant to have.
  • lesliev523
    lesliev523 Posts: 368 Member
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    I think it is hard for any of us to decide if it is mean or too much. No one here really knows your situation.

    My mother is extremely judgmental, and I have never felt pretty enough, or thin enough (even when I was 105lbs!). I always felt like she was embarrassed by me and the way I looked. And I was a size 2 back then! So if you mother is like mine, then the letter is appropriate.

    But... not knowing the situation, from how the letter flows, it sounds like your mom is more proud and excited for you and your weight loss. And if that is the case, then this letter is way too much. She almost sounds like a mom wanting to brag about your accomplishment, and follow the progress.....

    So I don't really know if it is mean or not..... depends on the true intentions of your mother. And only you know that.
  • pamelak5
    pamelak5 Posts: 327 Member
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    I'd probably just say, "Mom, I love spending time with you. But it really makes me uncomfortable when you make my weight an issue. It really hurts me, so I am afraid I just can't be around when you bring it up." If she visually inspects you, makes a comment, just leave. Leave the room or the house, whatever. You can't stop her from talking about your weight , but you can protect yourself from it. My family can be weight obsessed, too, and if anyone ever comments on my daughter's weight as she gets older, we'll just leave. No need to be around that.
  • iLoveMyPitbull1225
    iLoveMyPitbull1225 Posts: 1,691 Member
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    i think its great. It is not mean at all. I use the write a letter method because it makes me feel like I was able to clearly communicate everything I wanted to say nicely and calmly. Good luck and I hope her response is what you want.
  • NamibianRose
    NamibianRose Posts: 151 Member
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    Ok, re-thought my post. If you sent it already, it's too late to worry about if it's mean or not. I'd follow up with a phone call if you don't hear from her in a few days though.
  • karenjoy
    karenjoy Posts: 1,841 Member
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    ummm I don't understand why her mentioning you losing weight to your brother or sister is a bad thing? I don't know if there are other issues at play here, but I don't care who knows I am losing weight, and also am pleased if people ask me how it's going. I also would ask my friends, family etc if they had been weighed if I knew they were actively dieting, and I know people who have asked me and i am happy to share, so if I am honest I think just saying to your Mum that you are feeling very sensitive is probably the way to go, because other than that, there is a lot of things that you don't like that are quite normal for many people, and she might get what you are ultimately saying is 'I am very VERY sensitive about my weight and appearance, please support me in this but not making me feel so conscious of it'...that's pretty much all you need to say I feel.

    Unless there are other issues at play here, I think you need to just say that, and not send the letter, which to me, not knowing the whole story, or your situation obviously, I think its too much.
  • Bahet
    Bahet Posts: 1,254 Member
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    ummm I don't understand why her mentioning you losing weight to your brother or sister is a bad thing? I don't know if there are other issues at play here, but I don't care who knows I am losing weight, and also am pleased if people ask me how it's going. I also would ask my friends, family etc if they had been weighed if I knew they were actively dieting, and I know people who have asked me and i am happy to share, so if I am honest I think just saying to your Mum that you are feeling very sensitive is probably the way to go, because other than that, there is a lot of things that you don't like that are quite normal for many people, and she might get what you are ultimately saying is 'I am very VERY sensitive about my weight and appearance, please support me in this but not making me feel so conscious of it'...that's pretty much all you need to say I feel.

    Unless there are other issues at play here, I think you need to just say that, and not send the letter, which to me, not knowing the whole story, or your situation obviously, I think its too much.

    ^^^ this. I'm also losing weight. I know I'm the topic of conversations between my sisters and my mom. I don't know your family dynamic so perhaps it's different but in my case they are talking about me because they are proud of me. They ask what I weigh now because they are excited for me. It's like asking an honor student if they got their report card yet. They want to hear good news.

    The judging your appearance and looking at you as if you are a prize heifer at the state fair is a whole other matter. Obviously talking to her hasn't changed anything. I don't think writing a letter will do anything more than cause a hurt and resentment. It's something a young teen would do, not an adult. However, if you really need to get the point across that you hate that (and I would too) perhaps some humor or sarcasm would work. Again, my family dynamic is probably quite different than yours but if my mom did that and the next time I went over I wore a bathing suit for her "inspection" and handed her a tape measure she would not only get the hint but she'd stop the inspections and realize how hurtful she had been. If a bathing suit is too uncomfortable for you try holding your arms out and rotating slowly for her "inspection".
  • IndianCat3
    IndianCat3 Posts: 158 Member
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    Are you that distant from your mom that you couldn't say this to her face to face? A letter seems awful cold.

    ^^maybe you didnt read what she said in the beginning...letter isn't awful at all
  • fatgirlslove
    fatgirlslove Posts: 614 Member
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    This is def something that ought to be said in person.
  • carolhug1234
    carolhug1234 Posts: 10
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    the most perfect letter!! your mum probably does not realise she is being this way with you ( if you have lost weight, do you tell her, is she pleased for you)? but really your letter is fab! but it needs a better ending with comfirmation of your love for her and your need of support from her! good luck!! please let us all know how your letter is received!!
  • Lauren8239
    Lauren8239 Posts: 1,039 Member
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    I would give just about anything to have my mom back, faults and all. She's been gone 11 years. No offense, but if that's all you can fault her for, consider yourself very lucky. :flowerforyou:
  • jenbk2
    jenbk2 Posts: 623 Member
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    .

    But... not knowing the situation, from how the letter flows, it sounds like your mom is more proud and excited for you and your weight loss. And if that is the case, then this letter is way too much. She almost sounds like a mom wanting to brag about your accomplishment, and follow the progress.....

    I agree with this.
    I also agree that it is cold, but we do not know your history with your mother.
  • Pspetal
    Pspetal Posts: 426 Member
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    I like the idea of a letter. My mom writes me letters about things she feels uncomfortable discussing in person. That way, she gets things off her chest AND does not have to deal with awkwardness. I like that. Re-reading her emails gives me better insight than just listening to her talk. I write her long emails too when I have something sensitive to discuss. Both of us manage to get through to each other without any hurt or misunderstanding. Its a good way to broach a topic. Further discussion can and should happen face to face. Sometimes it is easier this way.
    That said, this letter has an odd tone of formality. I don't know exactly what it is but it just seems very formal and somewhat distant. Maybe it is the ending, I'm not sure. If this is how you speak to her in person, its ok. But if you don't, then it is too distant.
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,713 Member
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    Are you that distant from your mom that you couldn't say this to her face to face? A letter seems awful cold.
    i would rather be told this in a letter.
    that way i have time to think before i react.
    if i'm upset i can have the dignity or crying without being watched.

    she knows her mother better than we do. she knows if face to face or letter is the best method for her.

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