Relationship advice

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charelg
charelg Posts: 599 Member
in Chit-Chat
I have been with the same guy for almost four years, and living together for one. I am ready to get married and have a child ( I'm divorced with a five yr old)...he knows how I feel, but says he doesnt want a time clock, and until I'm nicer there's no way hes rushing down the aisle. I understand but I don't want to be spinning my wheels forever. And I hardly think four years is rushing..when is it time for an ultimatum, or is that a bad idea?? Thoughts, appreciated :)
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  • caraiselite
    caraiselite Posts: 2,631 Member
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    why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free!

    are you a bad person? what is this about 'until you're nicer'
    i don't get it.
  • charelg
    charelg Posts: 599 Member
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    Lol, ummm I guess because I'm extremely OCD with cleaning and tend to complain a lot. I'm trying to not complain so much, or nag, but I can't always be ms sunshine. And yeah I heard that saying plenty...however, after a divorce, ya tend to want to live together first, then marry....
  • caraiselite
    caraiselite Posts: 2,631 Member
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    i'm all for living together first! maybe he just feels that since you already do - it's like you're married.

    it sounds like he wants you to change though. ocd isn't just something you're going to get over in one day.
  • Romans624
    Romans624 Posts: 822
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    Sounds like he is not ready to get married to you with things as they are now. His expectations and yours are in a clash. Is he a lo messier than you are, or does he say that you criticize him too harshly about cleaning? this is where mutual respect and kindness comes in. You two need to show respect for each other in making efforts (like you toning it down, or trying to not nag) and him making efforts to do what makes you happy. If either of you are unwilling to do these kinds of things, it will lead to resentment and hurt feelings. So him saying that you need to be nicer, is showing that he is feeling a lack of support from you that he needs to bee excited and fully optimistic about the next 50 years with you.

    My guess from what you stated.

    Ultimatum? I don't think that is a good idea unless you are ready to walk away because you are so unhappy. But it sounds like he is the one who has the complaint... I would try to work on making sure he feels loved and supported in these areas that he says you are "not nice" on. ... after 4 years I can understand not wanting to wait around forever, but this should have been identified earlier, ideally. Has this always been an issue?
  • rungirl1973
    rungirl1973 Posts: 2,559 Member
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    Oh honey. If he's telling you that he's not going to marry you "until you're nicer"... That is an excuse, he doesn't want to commit.

    Why are you letting him put everything on you? If a man is in love with a woman, she doesn't have to prove herself in order for him to want to commit to her. I'm sure he's perfect and the only problem you two ever have is that you aren't "nice" enough.
  • 88josephine88
    88josephine88 Posts: 23
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    only ever make an ultimatum if you are 100% prepared to follow through if it doesn't go your way. don't do it as a bargaining chip, only if you realistically only see those as your two options, as in 'if you can't marry me, I can't stay'....don't ever try to bluff your way though one!!
  • Romans624
    Romans624 Posts: 822
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    Oh honey. If he's telling you that he's not going to marry you "until you're nicer"... That is an excuse, he doesn't want to commit.

    Why are you letting him put everything on you? If a man is in love with a woman, she doesn't have to prove herself in order for him to want to commit to her. I'm sure he's perfect and the only problem you two ever have is that you aren't "nice" enough.

    Since I haven't heard a ton about your relationship, I have to say this response sounds like a really good one. This definitely a possibility, especially since it has been 4 years. If its this, I do not know what you can do that will help and have no risks.
  • charelg
    charelg Posts: 599 Member
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    Well, he did move his life to,come live with me, and to be honest I am grumpy pretty often. He's not really messy, and does laundry without me asking, etc...I tend to complain a lot..I think he is afraid to get married, especially if things dont improve. I am working on being nicer etc, and he is working on things I have complained about, I just want to know when...and I guess I kinda have the if ya can't hae me at my worst, ya don't deserve me at my best mentality lately.
  • charelg
    charelg Posts: 599 Member
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    Yeah I kinda tried the ultimatum and he's like I thought we were working on our issues, why is it such a rush to get married. And I understand his point of not wanting to live with an OCD naggy butt forever, but some things about ourselves it's impossible to change it seems. I can't help that I like a clean house or maybe like things my way a little much, lol...
  • taunto
    taunto Posts: 6,420 Member
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    This "why buy the cow" crap that somebody posted has got to be the most....nevermind its not even worth saying something to this type of ignorance and sexism.

    Here's the male PoV. During the 4 years of companionship, any man would at one point or another tell you if he is EVER getting married or not. I myself am not marriage material and donot want permanent anything so I am upfront about this to the women I go out with.

    This "ultimatum" you gals are talking about is the best possible way for you to drive away any standup man who don't tolerate bullying. If he caves into this "ultimatum" then congratulation, you got yourself a spineless turtle who will do whatever you wish.

    If you wish to listen to a male opinion: Ask him that while you're not looking for a proposal right away, you would like to know that after 4 years you 2 are not just fooling around. Men hate "the talk" but after 4 years, any reasonable man wouldn't object to the talk. If he says "it'll happen when it happens" then start thinking about the possibility that he might not wanna go the route of marriage or maybe just not wanna marry YOU (sorry, harsh truth). If he gives you solid reasons like he wishes to be financially stable or he doesn't know if he's ready for KIDS (kids are one of the main reasons men don't want to commit, we're not scared of kids, we just don't want to bring another person to this very very CRUEL world). Basically if he's giving you a good reason to why in his mind now is a bad time, then you 2 should talk.

    If he wants you to be "nicer" then you might wanna think if you wanna change yourself for this person or the things that in his eyes make you "not nice" are too dear to you. Changing a little bit for somebody isn't bad. When I'm in a relationship I try to keep my place much more clean, I try to workout more often, I am more outgoing etc. Its not bad to change for somebody but if you're changing things that're too dear to you then its not worth to have such a relationship.

    Good luck in your journey. I hope you the best
  • NYChick84
    NYChick84 Posts: 331 Member
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    I have been with the same guy for almost four years, and living together for one. I am ready to get married and have a child ( I'm divorced with a five yr old)...he knows how I feel, but says he doesnt want a time clock, and until I'm nicer there's no way hes rushing down the aisle. I understand but I don't want to be spinning my wheels forever. And I hardly think four years is rushing..when is it time for an ultimatum, or is that a bad idea?? Thoughts, appreciated :)

    Being with someone for 4 years is a very decent amount of time in which you should be thinking about your future with this person. You're not only thinking for yourself, you're also thinking for the well being of your child. He's right in the respect that there shouldn't be a time clock, however, he's had ample amount of time and I'm assuming this topic has come up in the past. Giving an ultimatum as a scare tactic for him to agree to marry is the ABSOLUTE WORST idea ever. Like 88Josephine88 said " don't do it as a bargaining chip, only if you realistically only see those as your two options, as in 'if you can't marry me, I can't stay'....don't ever try to bluff your way though one!!"

    You need to come up with a concrete decision as to what you want out of life. Is it to be with this guy forever? And what if he doesn't want to get married, are you ok with being domestic partners? What's the well being for your child? Granted, he's not the father, but living in the same household and you (I'm assuming) being the full time care giver, he's playing a role in your child's life.

    Also, nicer?? Really? In this alone, I'd question whether or not I would want to be with this man. Nicer?? Listen, I am a squeaky clean person. Things MUST be in its place in my home and clean. However, a man SHOULD be appreciating this rather than insulting it. It's better than living in a pig's sty!! Women tend to ***** and moan, I get it...but it shouldn't be over the littlest things in life.

    Focus on yourself, and always have the mindset that you're a work in progress. With every day that passes, you improve yourself for the better.

    I wish you nothing but the best and all the happiness in the world! xo
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,713 Member
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    why would you want t marry a guy who needs whining, nagging and levering into it? that's the fast lane to divorce #2!

    is having a ring on your finger really more important than a healthy relationship?
  • Natx83
    Natx83 Posts: 1,308 Member
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    Lol, ummm I guess because I'm extremely OCD with cleaning and tend to complain a lot. I'm trying to not complain so much, or nag, but I can't always be ms sunshine. And yeah I heard that saying plenty...however, after a divorce, ya tend to want to live together first, then marry....

    This is why he doesnt want to marry you.
  • weighlossforbaby
    weighlossforbaby Posts: 847 Member
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    Well, you guys are living together and he maybe feels like you 2 are already married. The excuse of him wanting you to be nicer is just an excuse to not get married. I would suggest don't push it on him til he's ready. Is marriage really more important than a healthy relationship with him? If he doesn't want to get married in the end would you be fine being domestic partners/bf & gf?
  • Natx83
    Natx83 Posts: 1,308 Member
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    Well, he did move his life to,come live with me, and to be honest I am grumpy pretty often. He's not really messy, and does laundry without me asking, etc...I tend to complain a lot..I think he is afraid to get married, especially if things dont improve. I am working on being nicer etc, and he is working on things I have complained about, I just want to know when...and I guess I kinda have the if ya can't hae me at my worst, ya don't deserve me at my best mentality lately.

    Without sounding mean, you sound exactly like someone I wouldnt want to marry either. You complain, yet at the same time you say that he does things without you asking, has moved to be with you. He obviously loves you, but honestly I wouldnt marry someone who acts like you say you do either. What you are basically saying, is that you are trying to change him to better suit you and that you just want to know becuase it would suit YOU and put YOU at ease.

    Dont worry about how hes feeling or anything... I'd say there are deepr underlying issues as to why he doesnt want to marry you, probably something to do with your sounding like a B*tch.
  • charelg
    charelg Posts: 599 Member
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    Lol! Love these replies. We have had the talk, he wants to marry, but wants me to be nicer. So I guess I really need to work on my attitude and maybe not be so uptight with the house. I can't blame him, but something's about yourself are hard to change....
  • charelg
    charelg Posts: 599 Member
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    Well, he did move his life to,come live with me, and to be honest I am grumpy pretty often. He's not really messy, and does laundry without me asking, etc...I tend to complain a lot..I think he is afraid to get married, especially if things dont improve. I am working on being nicer etc, and he is working on things I have complained about, I just want to know when...and I guess I kinda have the if ya can't hae me at my worst, ya don't deserve me at my best mentality lately.

    Without sounding mean, you sound exactly like someone I wouldnt want to marry either. You complain, yet at the same time you say that he does things without you asking, has moved to be with you. He obviously loves you, but honestly I wouldnt marry someone who acts like you say you do either. What you are basically saying, is that you are trying to change him to better suit you and that you just want to know becuase it would suit YOU and put YOU at ease.

    Dont worry about how hes feeling or anything... I'd say there are deepr underlying issues as to why he doesnt want to marry you, probably something to do with your sounding like a B*tch.


    Wow! FYI, that is pretty mean, but you are entitled to your opinion...
  • Natx83
    Natx83 Posts: 1,308 Member
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    Lol! Love these replies. We have had the talk, he wants to marry, but wants me to be nicer. So I guess I really need to work on my attitude and maybe not be so uptight with the house. I can't blame him, but something's about yourself are hard to change....

    You dont get it do you.

    You are asking him to change but you arent willing and sort of blowing off why you should change because its too hard. Double standard much.

    I'd say he just caved to shut you up... Is getting married by nagging someone really good way to start a marriage?

    Im not trying to sound mean, just some unjaded hard truths perhaps from an outsider that is chocolate coating anything for you.
  • charelg
    charelg Posts: 599 Member
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    There's a way to convey your point to someone without being rude. But yes I agree that I can be a bit selfish at times, etc....however there's not a double standard because I have been working on myself and being nicer, less naggy etc..just saying its not an overnight fix. And I highly doubt there's any woman that doesn't complain, etc...
  • EmilyTwist1
    EmilyTwist1 Posts: 206 Member
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    Honestly, if either of you are expecting the other to change, you're going to have problems. People only change if they want to, and insisting that your partner change will put a ton of stress on the relationship. Besides, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't already accept you for who you are?

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