Relationship advice

Sounds like he is not ready to get married to you with things as they are now. His expectations and yours are in a clash. Is he a lo messier than you are, or does he say that you criticize him too harshly about cleaning? this is where mutual respect and kindness comes in. You two need to show respect for each other in making efforts (like you toning it down, or trying to not nag) and him making efforts to do what makes you happy. If either of you are unwilling to do these kinds of things, it will lead to resentment and hurt feelings. So him saying that you need to be nicer, is showing that he is feeling a lack of support from you that he needs to bee excited and fully optimistic about the next 50 years with you.

My guess from what you stated.

Ultimatum? I don't think that is a good idea unless you are ready to walk away because you are so unhappy. But it sounds like he is the one who has the complaint... I would try to work on making sure he feels loved and supported in these areas that he says you are "not nice" on. ... after 4 years I can understand not wanting to wait around forever, but this should have been identified earlier, ideally. Has this always been an issue?

only ever make an ultimatum if you are 100% prepared to follow through if it doesn't go your way. don't do it as a bargaining chip, only if you realistically only see those as your two options, as in 'if you can't marry me, I can't stay'....don't ever try to bluff your way though one!!

This "why buy the cow" crap that somebody posted has got to be the most....nevermind its not even worth saying something to this type of ignorance and sexism.

Here's the male PoV. During the 4 years of companionship, any man would at one point or another tell you if he is EVER getting married or not. I myself am not marriage material and donot want permanent anything so I am upfront about this to the women I go out with.

This "ultimatum" you gals are talking about is the best possible way for you to drive away any standup man who don't tolerate bullying. If he caves into this "ultimatum" then congratulation, you got yourself a spineless turtle who will do whatever you wish.

If you wish to listen to a male opinion: Ask him that while you're not looking for a proposal right away, you would like to know that after 4 years you 2 are not just fooling around. Men hate "the talk" but after 4 years, any reasonable man wouldn't object to the talk. If he says "it'll happen when it happens" then start thinking about the possibility that he might not wanna go the route of marriage or maybe just not wanna marry YOU (sorry, harsh truth). If he gives you solid reasons like he wishes to be financially stable or he doesn't know if he's ready for KIDS (kids are one of the main reasons men don't want to commit, we're not scared of kids, we just don't want to bring another person to this very very CRUEL world). Basically if he's giving you a good reason to why in his mind now is a bad time, then you 2 should talk.

If he wants you to be "nicer" then you might wanna think if you wanna change yourself for this person or the things that in his eyes make you "not nice" are too dear to you. Changing a little bit for somebody isn't bad. When I'm in a relationship I try to keep my place much more clean, I try to workout more often, I am more outgoing etc. Its not bad to change for somebody but if you're changing things that're too dear to you then its not worth to have such a relationship.

Good luck in your journey. I hope you the best

why would you want t marry a guy who needs whining, nagging and levering into it? that's the fast lane to divorce #2!

is having a ring on your finger really more important than a healthy relationship?

Well, you guys are living together and he maybe feels like you 2 are already married. The excuse of him wanting you to be nicer is just an excuse to not get married. I would suggest don't push it on him til he's ready. Is marriage really more important than a healthy relationship with him? If he doesn't want to get married in the end would you be fine being domestic partners/bf & gf?

Lol! Love these replies. We have had the talk, he wants to marry, but wants me to be nicer. So I guess I really need to work on my attitude and maybe not be so uptight with the house. I can't blame him, but something's about yourself are hard to change....

You dont get it do you.

You are asking him to change but you arent willing and sort of blowing off why you should change because its too hard. Double standard much.

I'd say he just caved to shut you up... Is getting married by nagging someone really good way to start a marriage?

Im not trying to sound mean, just some unjaded hard truths perhaps from an outsider that is chocolate coating anything for you.

Honestly, if either of you are expecting the other to change, you're going to have problems. People only change if they want to, and insisting that your partner change will put a ton of stress on the relationship. Besides, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't already accept you for who you are?

This "why buy the cow" crap that somebody posted has got to be the most....nevermind its not even worth saying something to this type of ignorance and sexism.

Here's the male PoV. During the 4 years of companionship, any man would at one point or another tell you if he is EVER getting married or not. I myself am not marriage material and donot want permanent anything so I am upfront about this to the women I go out with.

This "ultimatum" you gals are talking about is the best possible way for you to drive away any standup man who don't tolerate bullying. If he caves into this "ultimatum" then congratulation, you got yourself a spineless turtle who will do whatever you wish.

If you wish to listen to a male opinion: Ask him that while you're not looking for a proposal right away, you would like to know that after 4 years you 2 are not just fooling around. Men hate "the talk" but after 4 years, any reasonable man wouldn't object to the talk. If he says "it'll happen when it happens" then start thinking about the possibility that he might not wanna go the route of marriage or maybe just not wanna marry YOU (sorry, harsh truth). If he gives you solid reasons like he wishes to be financially stable or he doesn't know if he's ready for KIDS (kids are one of the main reasons men don't want to commit, we're not scared of kids, we just don't want to bring another person to this very very CRUEL world). Basically if he's giving you a good reason to why in his mind now is a bad time, then you 2 should talk.

If he wants you to be "nicer" then you might wanna think if you wanna change yourself for this person or the things that in his eyes make you "not nice" are too dear to you. Changing a little bit for somebody isn't bad. When I'm in a relationship I try to keep my place much more clean, I try to workout more often, I am more outgoing etc. Its not bad to change for somebody but if you're changing things that're too dear to you then its not worth to have such a relationship.

Good luck in your journey. I hope you the best

I like this response. Good point, if you decide to give an ultimatum be careful that it isn't a form of emotional blackmail to get him to do what you want to do. You can't force him, but if you are unhappy with how things are you can express your feelings to him, tell him why you'd like to be married for example.

Make sure you want to get married too, in your heart. Do you complain about things because you genuinely are unhappy living with this guy for example? Because that could be a deal breaker for a marriage.

Also beware that marriage doesn't mean bliss, you need to have a solid relationship first, it won't fix anything that is broken already, and also a preparing for a wedding is very stressful. You need to have your relationship as the 'retreat' from all the other stresses of life (including the stress of wedding planning), you should not get married if your relationship is the cause factor of stress.

In my very humble opinion, an ultimatum is the best way to kill a relationship... be careful. It might happen that you give an ultimatum thinking that it will be a trigger point for him to reach and go to your trail but... it could happen that he feels attacked so your relationship would end up by that moment....

Well, he did move his life to,come live with me, and to be honest I am grumpy pretty often. He's not really messy, and does laundry without me asking, etc...I tend to complain a lot..I think he is afraid to get married, especially if things dont improve. I am working on being nicer etc, and he is working on things I have complained about, I just want to know when...and I guess I kinda have the if ya can't hae me at my worst, ya don't deserve me at my best mentality lately.

Without sounding mean, you sound exactly like someone I wouldnt want to marry either. You complain, yet at the same time you say that he does things without you asking, has moved to be with you. He obviously loves you, but honestly I wouldnt marry someone who acts like you say you do either. What you are basically saying, is that you are trying to change him to better suit you and that you just want to know becuase it would suit YOU and put YOU at ease.

Dont worry about how hes feeling or anything... I'd say there are deepr underlying issues as to why he doesnt want to marry you, probably something to do with your sounding like a B*tch.

Why so serious?