"I'm sorry, your spouse is going to die...

I was given 3 months to live and was told to get things in order, Hell No! Not Me! I'm still here 12 years later.

I have lots of Attidude.

I can't read through 6 pages of discussion here but, from the ones I have read - I really don't see why this is so taboo to some. Well, I guess because society as a whole considers the speaking of death as something to be avoided. I worked in hospice care for 2 years and my FIL is currently on hospice and I can't tell you how many families hear those words and think the same thoughts. What do I do? What do you say? How do you act?

Or they get upset and feel guilty because they see their loved one deteriorating and pray to God that He just take them now. Or they want to run away and scream. Or they become resentful. Then they hate themselves for thinking such thoughts but all of those things are perfectly NORMAL feelings that nearly everyone goes through. Especially if you've had to take on the roll as a full-time caregiver. Watching your love become skeletal, no longer be able to eat or use the bathroom properly and have to change them, to watch the labored breathing as death comes closer. Unless you're there - you have no right to judge someone and say that they must have never loved the person in the first place. It's an incredible task that you'll never understand the magnitude of unless you're thrust into the position. It's easy to sit back and say someone is terrible for thinking or doing certain things in that situation but I would guarantee that any one of us put in that situation would do something that others would find questionable. It's an incredibly emotional time and the things that come out are sometimes not pretty...but then again, neither is death.

I've been there, not with a spouse but with other family members. I've learned a few things after doing this more than once and one thing is that you cherish the time. Even if a doctor has crappy bedside manner in breaking the news; to me - knowing, even if it's only a very short time ahead, is a blessing. Yes, you're angry, upset, hurt, scared, and a myriad of others but it still gives you time to prepare. Say those last words that many do not get to say in unexpected deaths. Those things that you always take for granted and believe there's enough time to do later. There's time for final wishes to be honored, for families to settle affairs rather than being stuck in probate court for months or even years. And, it's not just about the spouse or family member; it's about the one who is dying - it gives them time to come to terms with their passing, put their lives in perspective, find their after-life beliefs, and leave in peace rather than torment.

I think EvilPink has summed it up - "cherish the time."

We lost my mum last year and the last few months when she was in hospital/hospice care were terribly hard but also really special times. Just spending time, chatting, sitting silently, reading the paper, doing her nails, wheeling her down to the beach to look for dolphins (she was in the most beautiful location you could imagine!) leaves me feeling contented, knowing that I was THERE for her, just as she has always been there for me.

I would be absolutely devastated.

It's actually making me feel sick right now, just reading the topic.

My fiance means so much to me, I wouldn't know what I would ever do without him.

~feels the need to add~

There are some people who face such news with what I've heard termed gallows humour. God knows at the point of diagnosis and the first year we freaked out more people with some of the things we said, and honestly still say from time to time.

It was, and remains, part of our way of coping, so I do understand why some of the flip comments have been made. Sometimes it's hard to seriously think about something that would be terribly painful so we joke it away. And sometimes there is the thought 'If we don't take it seriously, maybe it won't be'.

this *S*