How old is too old?
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Wait... I just realized... so how many years is "years"? Because if you knew each other when you were underage, that is pretty suspect on his part that he wants to date you when he knew you as a child.
![:\](https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/resources/emoji/confused.png ":\")
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personally I don't care to date a man older than me by more than 5-7 years. I would date a younger man before an older man. But really its a personal preference and like others said if you have to ask then maybe just maybe its not for you. Whenever Ive dated men that were younger than me, I found no reason to justify it to myself or others. I like what I like *Kanye Shrug**0
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As for me, I always questioned the motive of any significantly younger woman who expressed interest, and usually she did indeed have some hidden motive or secret agenda other than true love.
I've always questioned the motive of a significantly older man accepting invitations and asking young women out on dates. I'm talking guys making advances when they were in the late forties and I was 18 - 20. Most of them were lonely and delusional, looking for some ideal of a woman that for some reason was "young" and never their own age. Some kind of mid-life crisis I guess. Sometimes they'd find those girls you were talking about; and I don't feel bad for them. They got what they wanted.
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i'm 11 years older than my husband, and we met playing together in a punk band, so we automatically had something in common. while my family adores him, his parents disliked the age difference so much they never spoke to him again. but you know what? we've been together since 1999, and we're very happy.
i've dated men who were a lot older than i was, and once had a long term relationship with a guy who was 14 years younger than i. i firmly believe that it ain't about age - it's about the people involved and what they have in common.0 -
I don't think 12 years is old enough to be your parent. But, it really does depend on the individuals, the circumstances, and the nature of the relationship. Message me if you want to talk more. :flowerforyou:0
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preferably one that is still alive and kickin'0
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itsbasschick wrote: »i'm 11 years older than my husband, and we met playing together in a punk band, so we automatically had something in common. while my family adores him, his parents disliked the age difference so much they never spoke to him again. but you know what? we've been together since 1999, and we're very happy.
i've dated men who were a lot older than i was, and once had a long term relationship with a guy who was 14 years younger than i. i firmly believe that it ain't about age - it's about the people involved and what they have in common.
Cool.
Except not cool that his parents don't talk to him anymore. Really not cool. It looks like you were 41 and he was 30? That's not even that bad!!
BUT, it is about age, to a point. Age gets less important the more we age, I think. A 25 year old dating a 40 year old is much different than a 15 year old dating a 30 year old. Or a 40 year old dating a 55 year old.
And my dad was 19 and my mom was 38 when I was born. Age was definitely a problem there. My dad is three years older than my half-sister.
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My parents are 13 years apart, with my mom being the older one. I agree that age is just a number, especially as you get older. An 18 year old dating a 25 year old seems weird to some people, but a 25 year old dating a 32 year old usually doesn't, even though it's the same age gap - & it continues to get less weird as you go up in age.
ETA I don't know why but I initially thought you said you were like 23 and he was only 10 years older than you. Still doesn't really change my opinion, except for the fact that I'm 24 and have just NOW started realizing that dating 30+ year olds is an option and for the first time, that thought doesn't seem weird to me. At 21, I totally would have thought dating someone older than 30 was weird. I think in your case, you being okay with it has a lot to do with the fact that you have known this guy for awhile. Which, I don't really think is as much of an issue do others do. I'm sure he didn't see 10 year old you & think "I'm going to date her someday!" - he probably thought of you platonically for a long time & then suddenly realized recently that it was okay for him to think of you as more than that.0 -
At age 21 I'd say a guy older than 32 is too old for you unless you're honestly attracted to him and do not have hang ups because you were sexually abused as a kid. It's a question only you can answer.NotJustADieter wrote: »I'm 21 years old. I've started seeing a guy who I've known for years, before this in a friends-only context. He's substantially older than me. Without me telling how old he is, how old would you think would be too old for me?
I've seen too many such relationships fail, because the younger one grows into another person while the old party does not.
As for me, I always questioned the motive of any significantly younger woman who expressed interest, and usually she did indeed have some hidden motive or secret agenda other than true love.
Was never sexually abused as a child. Was raped as an adult, but never as a child. Emotionally abused, physically abused, but never sexually. I am genuinely attracted to him. He is a very good looking man- most people also estimate him to be about 26 when they see him. There's no secret agenda. In fact, if you're hinting at money, due to a good family background and a trust fund on my part, I'm far better off than him. This is entirely emotional on my part.Wait... I just realized... so how many years is "years"? Because if you knew each other when you were underage, that is pretty suspect on his part that he wants to date you when he knew you as a child.
I've known him since I was 16, but neither of us expressed interest until I was 19. And I was the initial one to express interest.0 -
I'm 31 years old and in order for me to date a 21 yr old they would have to be very mature. I have a 12 yr old daughter and to be honest I'd be a little umm protective I suppose when I found out that he's known you since you were so young and then having a relationship.
I don't know you but for some reason my "something ain't right" vibe is going off. I wish you the best in whatever decision you make.0 -
NotJustADieter wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »NotJustADieter wrote: »He's 33. So if he were a very messed up 12 year old, he could technically be my parent. We're very similar, culturally and interest-wise, and have been very close for quite a while.
My main worry about it isn't me thinking he's too old for me- it's the reaction we will eventually get from our parents and families.
The fact that you draw the "he could be my father" card makes me wonder......
If you are old enough to date him you are old enough to deal with people's reactions! This include your and his families.
I only mention it because an above poster asked if he was old enough to be my dad. I don't doubt the relationship at all- he's been a stalwart friend to me for years and means the world to me. I trust him above all other men and for someone with my history that's a big thing. I just worry that reactions will be less than positive.
You are 21 and used "stalwart" to describe the guy. You sound old. Like you've been hanging out with an older crowd. The only problems I see have already been mentioned - he's more than a decade older than you. Men already think they know everything, now he'll have experience to back him up. He might treat you like a kid and less like an equal if you share a home. Second, he might be eager to settle down, and you might have kids pretty soon. There is nothing wrong about that - have kids while you are fertile and not pushing 40, but you may resent committing early once he starts acting like a jerk. (Some take longer than others). My advice? Pray about it until you have peace about making a decision either way.0 -
29. for some reason if you told me you were dating a 28 yr old I would see that as valid but if you said 29 my "OMG he's almost 30" redflag would combine with "you are BARELY old enough to drink" buzzer and equal....*danger* *danger*.
Strange really, but yeah, I guess that's the cutoff. Pretty sure though if you were 23 and he were 31 I might not care at all.
It's a numbers game.0 -
CJisinShape wrote: »NotJustADieter wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »NotJustADieter wrote: »He's 33. So if he were a very messed up 12 year old, he could technically be my parent. We're very similar, culturally and interest-wise, and have been very close for quite a while.
My main worry about it isn't me thinking he's too old for me- it's the reaction we will eventually get from our parents and families.
The fact that you draw the "he could be my father" card makes me wonder......
If you are old enough to date him you are old enough to deal with people's reactions! This include your and his families.
I only mention it because an above poster asked if he was old enough to be my dad. I don't doubt the relationship at all- he's been a stalwart friend to me for years and means the world to me. I trust him above all other men and for someone with my history that's a big thing. I just worry that reactions will be less than positive.
You are 21 and used "stalwart" to describe the guy. You sound old. Like you've been hanging out with an older crowd. The only problems I see have already been mentioned - he's more than a decade older than you. Men already think they know everything, now he'll have experience to back him up. He might treat you like a kid and less like an equal if you share a home. Second, he might be eager to settle down, and you might have kids pretty soon. There is nothing wrong about that - have kids while you are fertile and not pushing 40, but you may resent committing early once he starts acting like a jerk. (Some take longer than others). My advice? Pray about it until you have peace about making a decision either way.
I tend to get that. I grew up around scholars and such. Not much interaction with many kids. People my age bore me- I don't drink. I don't party. He and I are working on teaching ourselves Yiddish and correspond via letter in Yiddish to keep that up. We discuss philosophy, religion, culture, history. He's helping push me towards considering a PhD in what I am truly passionate. I'm helping to push him into a healthier life and a more successful one.
I want to settle down fairly soon, to be honest. Once my masters is done, I absolutely want to start having a family. In fact, I want that moreso than he does- he's never been around kids much, but I'm from a large family and love children and have always wanted quite a few.0 -
Split your age in half, and if theyre that or more, they're too old.0
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Sometimes older relationships work well... Others ... not so much. I know a couple that have been together for over 20 years now (married). The lady in the marriage was best friends with the man's wife before she died of cancer. For years, they just went to church together with no seeming romantic relationship... Then one day.. wham. They hit it off romantically and got married and have been together for over 20 years. There is 25 years difference in their age, but they have continued to prosper in their relationship.
That being said, I think that is the exception and not the rule. In this case, there is 12 years difference... You are essentially 2/3 his age. That is a big difference at this stage in your life. 10 years down the road, he will be 43 and you will be 31... That is not as big a difference... 53 to 41, 63 to 51... You get the picture...
Mentally fast forward through life... Can you imagine yourself being 60 and him being 73? Is that an issue for you? 70 to 83? If not, then perhaps it is not a bad thing... If so, it would be well worth a second thought. Now, think about now... what are YOU looking for in this relationship? What is HE looking for? You will grow quite a bit during the next 3-5 years... He will too but he is much more stable in his development than you are right now (No, this is not a cut down... it is simply a statement of fact... You have relatively recently left your family's household (or not)... You are just now becoming your own person. You are defining during the next 3-5 years who YOU are... Not who your parents wanted you to become... These things are just some things to think about...
All this being said, you are not contemplating marriage at this point... So exploring this relationship need not be a horrible thing.. IF you grow apart in the next couple of years, maybe you had some good times in the process. If not, perhaps, marriage will eventually become something to consider. (I talk the "M" word here only in the sense that any dating relationship should have that as a POSSIBLE goal -- I hold to the concept that one should never date somebody you KNOW you would never marry)...
In the end, only you can really make this decision. Do yourself a favor and discuss this with people who know the two of you... Romantic relationships often carry "blinders"... If there are red flags, often you will not see them as readily as one who can view the relationship in a manner that is more objective. Best wishes and may your decision be the best decision... whatever that may be.0 -
NotJustADieter wrote: »CJisinShape wrote: »NotJustADieter wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »NotJustADieter wrote: »He's 33. So if he were a very messed up 12 year old, he could technically be my parent. We're very similar, culturally and interest-wise, and have been very close for quite a while.
My main worry about it isn't me thinking he's too old for me- it's the reaction we will eventually get from our parents and families.
The fact that you draw the "he could be my father" card makes me wonder......
If you are old enough to date him you are old enough to deal with people's reactions! This include your and his families.
I only mention it because an above poster asked if he was old enough to be my dad. I don't doubt the relationship at all- he's been a stalwart friend to me for years and means the world to me. I trust him above all other men and for someone with my history that's a big thing. I just worry that reactions will be less than positive.
You are 21 and used "stalwart" to describe the guy. You sound old. Like you've been hanging out with an older crowd. The only problems I see have already been mentioned - he's more than a decade older than you. Men already think they know everything, now he'll have experience to back him up. He might treat you like a kid and less like an equal if you share a home. Second, he might be eager to settle down, and you might have kids pretty soon. There is nothing wrong about that - have kids while you are fertile and not pushing 40, but you may resent committing early once he starts acting like a jerk. (Some take longer than others). My advice? Pray about it until you have peace about making a decision either way.
I tend to get that. I grew up around scholars and such. Not much interaction with many kids. People my age bore me- I don't drink. I don't party. He and I are working on teaching ourselves Yiddish and correspond via letter in Yiddish to keep that up. We discuss philosophy, religion, culture, history. He's helping push me towards considering a PhD in what I am truly passionate. I'm helping to push him into a healthier life and a more successful one.
I want to settle down fairly soon, to be honest. Once my masters is done, I absolutely want to start having a family. In fact, I want that moreso than he does- he's never been around kids much, but I'm from a large family and love children and have always wanted quite a few.
From your responses in this thread and our conversations, it sounds like it's positive to me.
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There is a little formula some people use. Take your age, -7 then x2 and that is the oldest.0
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meliebianco wrote: »To find out what the oldest age you should date is, take your current age, subtract 7, and multiply it by two. So that would make it 28.
Apparently this is the highest age you 'should' go up to. Personally I think as long as he's not old enough to be your parent (I think that is just uncomfortable and weird, personally), and you're both on a similar level mentally then it should be okay. I would think it would be weird for him though to date someone much younger. Idk. You would both be at such different stages of your lives.
By this calculation I could date up to a 56 year old....
Eww.....NO.
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vegasgyrl79971 wrote: »personally I don't care to date a man older than me by more than 5-7 years. I would date a younger man before an older man. But really its a personal preference and like others said if you have to ask then maybe just maybe its not for you. Whenever Ive dated men that were younger than me, I found no reason to justify it to myself or others. I like what I like *Kanye Shrug**
Ditto.
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But then, I am currently close friends with two dudes who are 8 years my junior. (One with benefits).0
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NotJustADieter wrote: »CJisinShape wrote: »NotJustADieter wrote: »ThePhoenixIsRising wrote: »NotJustADieter wrote: »He's 33. So if he were a very messed up 12 year old, he could technically be my parent. We're very similar, culturally and interest-wise, and have been very close for quite a while.
My main worry about it isn't me thinking he's too old for me- it's the reaction we will eventually get from our parents and families.
The fact that you draw the "he could be my father" card makes me wonder......
If you are old enough to date him you are old enough to deal with people's reactions! This include your and his families.
I only mention it because an above poster asked if he was old enough to be my dad. I don't doubt the relationship at all- he's been a stalwart friend to me for years and means the world to me. I trust him above all other men and for someone with my history that's a big thing. I just worry that reactions will be less than positive.
You are 21 and used "stalwart" to describe the guy. You sound old. Like you've been hanging out with an older crowd. The only problems I see have already been mentioned - he's more than a decade older than you. Men already think they know everything, now he'll have experience to back him up. He might treat you like a kid and less like an equal if you share a home. Second, he might be eager to settle down, and you might have kids pretty soon. There is nothing wrong about that - have kids while you are fertile and not pushing 40, but you may resent committing early once he starts acting like a jerk. (Some take longer than others). My advice? Pray about it until you have peace about making a decision either way.
I tend to get that. I grew up around scholars and such. Not much interaction with many kids. People my age bore me- I don't drink. I don't party. He and I are working on teaching ourselves Yiddish and correspond via letter in Yiddish to keep that up. We discuss philosophy, religion, culture, history. He's helping push me towards considering a PhD in what I am truly passionate. I'm helping to push him into a healthier life and a more successful one.
I want to settle down fairly soon, to be honest. Once my masters is done, I absolutely want to start having a family. In fact, I want that moreso than he does- he's never been around kids much, but I'm from a large family and love children and have always wanted quite a few.
It sounds like you have things well in hand. My only advice at this time is to discuss in detail your wants for a family and how you want the family to be supported. Do you both want to work and have kids in daycare or a nanny to take care of them, do you want to stay home and have him work, do you want to work and have him stay home.
This doesn't have to be discussed before dating starts, but with the history this relationship could move fast. Just make sure you are able to figure these things out before either of you become too invested.0 -
When I was 19 I hooked up with a 37 year old. Although it didn't last forever as I ended up being considerably more mature than he was, we were together for 7 years and had a lot of great times (holy rockin' sex, Batman!). If you're having fun and happy is what matters most. You're both adults so you're the only two with a say in the matter anyhow.NotJustADieter wrote: »He's 33. So if he were a very messed up 12 year old, he could technically be my parent. We're very similar, culturally and interest-wise, and have been very close for quite a while.
My main worry about it isn't me thinking he's too old for me- it's the reaction we will eventually get from our parents and families.
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NotJustADieter wrote: »He's 33. So if he were a very messed up 12 year old, he could technically be my parent. We're very similar, culturally and interest-wise, and have been very close for quite a while.
My main worry about it isn't me thinking he's too old for me- it's the reaction we will eventually get from our parents and families.
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It's a personal choice, not a formula.0
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I say tell everyone he is 45. Then as they flip out start laughing and tell them you're just messing with them, he's only 33.0
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It should not matter now when you are 21 and he is 33 as long as you want the same things and have similar interests and core values, but I would think long and hard if you are ready to handle it when you are 51 and he is 63, or when you are 61 and he is 73, the older you get, the more that 12 years will make a difference. That said, if you love him and can make that commitment, go for it.NotJustADieter wrote: »He's 33. So if he were a very messed up 12 year old, he could technically be my parent. We're very similar, culturally and interest-wise, and have been very close for quite a while.
My main worry about it isn't me thinking he's too old for me- it's the reaction we will eventually get from our parents and families.
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i dated a lady 19 years older than myself, finest woman i ever met, but she was always paranoid i'd find someone younger, and in the end she was the one that cheated.. lol but no regrets...
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