How do I tell him what he says hurts?
jfields1987
Posts: 3
So me and my husband have been together for 7 years come October 31st. And, we love each other very much, but for about the last year he has been saying hurtful things about my weight that he doesn't realize is causing me to be even more self-conscious that what I already was.
A perfect example;
He has a small little car, its a Nissan 240sx, two door, and really low to the ground. I won't get in his car with him, because every-time I do, he makes jokes about how the car is heavier on my side and pulling toward the right (the passenger side) because of the extra weight. Or he says, his car goes slower now and has a hard time picking up speed because it has to pull extra weight.
This is not the only time he says things like this, he'll say things like I need to lose weight because I am starting to look unattractive or that the reason I am so big is cause I eat as much as a cow. (Which I don't I only eat about 1,200 calories a day on avg).
Anyways, its getting to a point where every-time I think about losing weight now or try to, I have all of his remarks stuck in my head and I feel so ashamed that I don't want to go to the gym and I don't even want to be seen in public because I feel like people are judging me.
I've tried to talk to him in the past about it, and I'll start the conversation with something like "I really wish you wouldn't say that, or those things cause it hurts". And he usually replies with "You know I am just playing with you, I just worry about you and your health, and I want you to be around for years to come...it's called tough love", and then he say something like, "You take things to seriously, you need to relax a bit and learn to take a joke".
Anyways, I just don't know how to talk to him, without him making me feel like I am blowing it out of proportion. It's just what little motivation I seem to build up...his comments and remarks seems to make me lose it all.
A perfect example;
He has a small little car, its a Nissan 240sx, two door, and really low to the ground. I won't get in his car with him, because every-time I do, he makes jokes about how the car is heavier on my side and pulling toward the right (the passenger side) because of the extra weight. Or he says, his car goes slower now and has a hard time picking up speed because it has to pull extra weight.
This is not the only time he says things like this, he'll say things like I need to lose weight because I am starting to look unattractive or that the reason I am so big is cause I eat as much as a cow. (Which I don't I only eat about 1,200 calories a day on avg).
Anyways, its getting to a point where every-time I think about losing weight now or try to, I have all of his remarks stuck in my head and I feel so ashamed that I don't want to go to the gym and I don't even want to be seen in public because I feel like people are judging me.
I've tried to talk to him in the past about it, and I'll start the conversation with something like "I really wish you wouldn't say that, or those things cause it hurts". And he usually replies with "You know I am just playing with you, I just worry about you and your health, and I want you to be around for years to come...it's called tough love", and then he say something like, "You take things to seriously, you need to relax a bit and learn to take a joke".
Anyways, I just don't know how to talk to him, without him making me feel like I am blowing it out of proportion. It's just what little motivation I seem to build up...his comments and remarks seems to make me lose it all.
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Replies
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How about 'I'm sorry, but your idea of a joke is not the same as mine. I find your comments disparaging and offensive. If you continue I will be forced to conclude that we are incompatible partners and seek alternative arrangements'.
Just because you've been married x number of years is no reason to be disrespectful.
He is trying to motivate you with ill advised 'humour' which possibly shows he may be concerned about your weight but really insecure and awkward addressing his concerns with you. If you have told him it is hurtful then any decent person should stop rather than blaming you for being 'over sensitive'
Or 'You're making it worse, dickhead!' But that's probably equally disrespectful and unlikely to resolve the issue.0 -
You say it through a process server0
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hes not joking and thats what he really thinks, but when you confront him about it he says its a joke. men........ ummm i would start by losing weight and than calling him fatty or not in shape and see how he feels0
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Tough love is one thing, being a douche is another.0
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Maybe stop asking sweetly for him to stop and just punch him in the mouth? Seriously, tell him to shut the h*ll up and stop talking to you so disrespectfully.0
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If you have told him that it's upsetting and discouraging you but he continues to do it the guy is a jerk. Lose weight if you are ready to do so but do it for yourself not him.0
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jfields1987 wrote: »
I've tried to talk to him in the past about it, and I'll start the conversation with something like "I really wish you wouldn't say that, or those things cause it hurts". And he usually replies with "You know I am just playing with you, I just worry about you and your health, and I want you to be around for years to come...it's called tough love", and then he say something like, "You take things to seriously, you need to relax a bit and learn to take a joke".
Anyways, I just don't know how to talk to him, without him making me feel like I am blowing it out of proportion. It's just what little motivation I seem to build up...his comments and remarks seems to make me lose it all.
Two things:
One:that type of behavior is called "gaslighting". It's extremely manipulative and abusive.
It's one thing to joke when both people are amused- but when it's hurtful and you say so- and they respond back with "oh it's just a joke you're over reacting" they are wrong. Do some research on it- I swear to you - it's a real thing- and it's a SERIOUS problem.
- Handle it- don't let it keep going.
Secondly:
Do not let his comments manipulate you into giving up motivation. Focus on working on YOU and nothing else.
Thirdly (I lied- I have 3 things to say)
It's okay if he really doesn't like the weight you've put on. I know I don't like the weight my BF has put on- physical attraction DOES matter. But- it's not the be all end all. He should be able to speak his mind- plainly without malice. You all should be able to have a conversation and be done with it. No need to nag or take jabs at you. Take his opinion in- be as objective as possible and process it- and move forward.
And you can tell him that- honey I understand- and I'm working on it- but you making snide jokes every time we turn around isn't helpful- it's actually extremely counter productive- so knock it the FK off.
(I'd also look up the weight capacity of his car- and then tell him to go eff off when you realize it can carry 2 large men with no problems. Facts don't lie. They tend to shut people up.0 -
As above. Don't let him walk all over you.
I have an extremely stupid sense of humour, I like to take the piss out of people and when I go too far my partner simply lets me know and I desist and apologise.0 -
I am so sorry that you're going through that.... that is a total demotivator! He needs to realize that his "tough love" really sucks and is NOT working.
I love what @refuseresist said!
My boyfriend loves my body, I don't know why and I don't care. He calls me sexy and beautiful which makes me want to become even sexier and more beautiful. That's the way to do it.0 -
I don't care how long you've been married -- mean is mean!! You need to speak up and let him know to stop being a bully..then you need to do what is best for you. Eat your way, work out your way. Become the person you want to be. Bullies are that way because they lack selfconfidence and try to gain it by being mean. Push back!!! Speak up!!0
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What everyone else said. But I just wanted to send you hugs, because, quite frankly, being stripped down to feel you're about 3 inches tall isn't fun, whether the other party appreciates that what they're saying to you is doing that or not..
It could simply be a matter of your husband not adapting to the fact that you may have changed since you met, in your personality, your physical appearance or your sensitivity to it. What may have been cheeky fun when you were younger, just isn't funny to you any more.0 -
He sounds like a jerk, you don;t need the negativity. If he was joking, he wouldn't be putting you down all the time. the remark about his car would be enough for me to want to punch him if he said that to me.0
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hes not joking and thats what he really thinks, but when you confront him about it he says its a joke. men........ ummm i would start by losing weight and than calling him fatty or not in shape and see how he feels
Completely counterproductive... Situations like OP is going through is NOT best dealt with using the "fire with fire" approach.
I'd say make a written list, writing down every time he's made a comment like this. Make sure to record the date of the comment too. Then sit him down and show him how many times he's made hurtful comments and try to discuss them like adults. Let him know that what he's saying is not only hurtful, but it's keeping you from mentally being motivated to change. I know that we all are aware that you should be doing this for YOU and you ALONE. But when it's someone you love, that person can impact your decisions to do anything.
Also, OP: You say you love each other? His actions are completely contradicting that statement. If he really loved you, he would do anything in his power to make sure that you FEEL loved and he wouldn't make hurtful comments like he does.0 -
maybe you should acknowledge the issue... like say.. "I know I am overweight... IF you would like to be part of the solution I would appreciate that more than you constantly reminding me that I am overweight.
OF course YOU are also making excuses to NOT help yourself... any real change needs to come from within... He isn't going to stand there and force you to exercise and manage your diet... and if he does... then your next public whine is going to be what an *sshole he is being for constantly reminding you that you didn't exercise this day .. or that day... or he's now checking the girls out at the gym so why bother... YOU need to find the fire within... and let that be your motivator...-1 -
hes not joking and thats what he really thinks, but when you confront him about it he says its a joke. men........ ummm i would start by losing weight and than calling him fatty or not in shape and see how he feels
Also, this statement is alarming to me... Unless you've met every man, then you have no basis to lay out such a blanket statement as if all men are this way.
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If he's so worried about you physical health he should be worried about your mental health, too.0
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Bottom line what your husband is doing is verbal abuse. It is manipulative and abusive in nature. Time for him to learn how to be a human being and a man that knows how to talk to a woman. I suggest you have a discussion with him about it. If he can't treat you like a person deserves to be treated go to counseling first, then decide from there what is best for you.
Good luck.0 -
Re: the car comment. Good come back would be; "My weight's not the problem. Your car is a P.O.S.. Get a real car."
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I am also married to a fairly insensitive guy. He doesn't make remarks about my weight (for his own safety probably
), but he does say and do things that hurt or feel neglectful.
I have found that I first have to make sure that I'm taking care of myself. Too many times, I've tried to find my worth in his remarks and reactions. Don't do that. Yes, marriage is about relying on and trusting each other, among other things. But both parties have to be whole and healthy to contribute fully. Many times - the problem isn't me, it's him. He's gone through times that his own self worth is in question. Career changes, getting older, financial concerns - they can all wear on us and make us act out to our partners.
Second - try to approach the subject at a time when emotions are not running high. Trying to have a conversation when you are upset doesn't lead to anything except defensive remarks and fighting. Especially if he can't even admit that he's doing something wrong.
Marriage is a journey. Good times and bad. Try to stick it out if you think the relationship is worth saving. The last three years of my 12 year marriage have been rocky and questionable, but we're finally getting back to a good place. Just make sure that your self-worth comes from you and nobody else. Nothing influences people and relationships like confidence does.0 -
He's your husband he's meant to love and support you plus treat you with respect. If it was me then Id just tell him and point out this behaviour was upsetting you and youd like him to support you rather than carrying on with the wisecracks which you find hurtful.
He either does or he doesnt. If he doesnt stop, then you have the sum of the person and how much he really cares. I wouldnt really have time to someone who wont listen and is willing to engage in behaviour which upsets you. You need to pick that moment. As pointed out he is menat to love you and his behaviour wouldnt seem to point that way.
If you cant have a mature conversation with him, then write him a letter and hand it to him and be willing to discuss if he understood it and whether he will change his behaviour.
Last night I was reading a thread called revenge started off by a poster whose husband had asked for a divorce maybe due to her weight. The OP lost a lot of weight and you can see the very impressive pictures, but the most fantastic thing was her attitude and the way she went about it. Very smart and instead of a negative revenge story it was one of triumph where she rethought her life, found incredible determination, focus and purpose on her weight loss journey. It seemed to be the catalyst that made her get to a much happier place.
It was in the motivation section. You will see what is possible and whether you decide to lose weight or not theres an example of someone who did it and you cna use as inspiration. Your husband sounds like a jerk, which is a different matter, so dont confuse the two.0 -
This is a marital issue, rather than a food issue though, isnt it?-2
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I agree with the others. He's being a bully and what he is doing is abusive. He isn't joking with you. He's bullying you and he's trying to shame you and it's no joke.
If he really was "joking" with you then it should be a joke you too can enjoy or you something which you can make fun of yourself with. Yes there are times when I may have did something silly like once I walked into a closed door because I was too preoccupied with what was on my phone. My husband teased me about it and I too found it funny.
I also don't consider what he's doing as "tough love". Tough love doesn't go hand in hand with making you feel bad about yourself. For example tough love should be something such if a parent has a drug addicted child. The parent's refuse to help the child out financially until the child gets their act straight. They aren't there making the child feel bad for themselves and what they are doing is hard for them as well.
I'm not sure how you can get through to your husband. I don't know how you two normally communicate. What happens after he doesn't take responsibility for his behavior and instead says this is all about you? Do you just accept it?
Don't accept it. It's not YOU. You have already told him you don't like his behavior and that should be enough.
I suggest the following conversation
"You know I am just playing with you, I just worry about you and your health, and I want you to be around for years to come...it's called tough love"
Your response should be. "No I don't believe you are just playing with me. I believe you are bullying me and acting out on your real feelings about me but you are hiding it under the facade of "just playing" rather than taking responsibility for your actions and what they have made me feel. If you want to motivate me you do not need to be mean about it. Instead you can do X, Y or Z".
Where X , Y or Z is what? Go walking with you to get some exercise? Cook a healthier dinner?
"You take things to seriously, you need to relax a bit and learn to take a joke".
Your response should be "The impact of what you are saying to me is serious and and I'm communicating to you that I do not enjoy it. I can take a joke when the joke is something both parties can enjoy. "
I don't know . Just a thought about what you can say. Another suggestion would be to go to counseling as a couple or if not then at least you should because his behavior isn't nice and I would hate to be in your situation.
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Sounds pretty abusive behaviour to me. Maybe therapy would help or marriage counselling. Abuse doesn't have to be physical, emotional abuse leaves scars too.
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Just say what's on your mind. Most guys don't take subtle hints and and if you don't say what you're thinking right out they kind of miss the boat. Tell him, "Knock that crap off because it hurts my feelings and if you don't want me to start making fun of your penis then keep your wise cracks to yourself!"
OK, maybe not that last part.
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I'd get smokin' hot then leave him for a hotter man I met at the gym...0
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Your husband sounds very cruel - I hope that this is not intentional because if it is then you have a problem. You need to be upfront and address this immediately. If this issue is to be resolved a huge amount of honesty is required from both of you. Tell him exactly how you feel and don't let him fob you off by saying that he is only kidding with you. Be strong.0
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I personally would write him a letter. Tell him exactly how it makes you feel when he talks to you like that and tell him things must change. Be direct but speak from your heart. If he loves you he will hear you. So sorry, this is a hurtful thing coming from the person closest to you.0
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Please stop with the "it's bullying" BS. That word's being overused these days and it doesn't apply. Bullying is about intimidating. This is NOT intimidation, it's simply someone being insensitive, maybe somewhat verbally abusive. Bullying would be said in an aggressive manner; "Lose the weight fatty or I'll leave your *kitten* and nobody will want you."
Of course I'll be call a bully for this post.-5 -
Someone posted this thread yesterday. It has a lot of factual research about the "guilt" and "negative" thinking your husband is putting on you. If you have the time, please do watch this. Negative thinking and guilt do undermine your willpower and your ability to achieve your goals.
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10008517/interesting-study-on-will-power-and-motivation
These are scientifically proven facts and your husband should understand what he's doing is not ok. If he continues to laugh it off when you tell him what he's saying hurts your feelings then it might be time to bring this discussion to a therapist who can help you work through it together.0 -
Do it for "Dam! You got hot" and then dump him....I had my finance tell me that he couldn't look at me because I was too heavy (at 135 lbs). I left. Now I have my guy who tells me that he loves my curves at any weight. It's about you. Not what other people think. Love yourself enough to know your true value.
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