How do I tell him what he says hurts?
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oh and btw you are NOTTTTTT fat.0
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i think the most alarming thing in the OP is that she doesn't know how to communicate her feelings to her husband.
he's definitely being a tool, but if you don't know how to tell him that, yikes.0 -
SonicDeathMonkey80 wrote: »You say it through a process server
Exactly. Someone who doesn't respect you enough to say something out of love and concern rather than poke fun isn't someone you wanna be with. Why spend your only life with someone who's going to treat you like that? Love yourself, the lack of respect isn't going to get better, if you just lose weight and don't address the real issue that he has no respect for you, nothing will ever change and he will learn that teasing gets results. Dump his dumb *kitten*.0 -
Having been in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship: it's verbal and emotional abuse. Please seek counseling. I'd start with individual counseling because you need to work on your feelings about being made to feel awful about yourself. Couples counseling will help you preserve the relationship if that's what you want.
Your hurt feelings are valid. He's not "just joking", and he's not saying these things to help you. I suspect he's either also tearing you down about other issues, or else if you lost weight he'd find some other inadequacy to pick on you about.
It's great if you want to lose weight. But in my experience, people lose better when they're in relationships with people who love them unconditionally and will support them no matter what.
Please seek help. You don't have to live like this. Once you feel better about yourself, you'll be able to get onto a diet and exercise plan that works for you, if that's what you want.0 -
jfields1987 wrote: »So me and my husband have been together for 7 years come October 31st. And, we love each other very much, but for about the last year he has been saying hurtful things about my weight that he doesn't realize is causing me to be even more self-conscious that what I already was.
A perfect example;
He has a small little car, its a Nissan 240sx, two door, and really low to the ground. I won't get in his car with him, because every-time I do, he makes jokes about how the car is heavier on my side and pulling toward the right (the passenger side) because of the extra weight. Or he says, his car goes slower now and has a hard time picking up speed because it has to pull extra weight.
This is not the only time he says things like this, he'll say things like I need to lose weight because I am starting to look unattractive or that the reason I am so big is cause I eat as much as a cow. (Which I don't I only eat about 1,200 calories a day on avg).
Anyways, its getting to a point where every-time I think about losing weight now or try to, I have all of his remarks stuck in my head and I feel so ashamed that I don't want to go to the gym and I don't even want to be seen in public because I feel like people are judging me.
I've tried to talk to him in the past about it, and I'll start the conversation with something like "I really wish you wouldn't say that, or those things cause it hurts". And he usually replies with "You know I am just playing with you, I just worry about you and your health, and I want you to be around for years to come...it's called tough love", and then he say something like, "You take things to seriously, you need to relax a bit and learn to take a joke".
Anyways, I just don't know how to talk to him, without him making me feel like I am blowing it out of proportion. It's just what little motivation I seem to build up...his comments and remarks seems to make me lose it all.
my first thought upon reading the comment he makes in the car was
" and he still has all his own teeth" you are much nicer than I am honey I would have knocked his teeth out long ago
beauty is not something on the outside
when you love someone truly love them you love the person they are
not the looks
I have been with my husband for over 20 years we knew each other when we were younger
he had hair then
he did not have a pot belly
he was muscular and fit
when he gained weight my only concern was
his health. heart disease runs in his family
I have been heavy all my adult life
right now I am at my healthiest weight since I was a child
hubs has always thought I was beautiful
losing weight does not change who you are
it changes how you look
and how you feel
Losing weight will not make you a happier person
being happy or sexy or beautiful those are things from the inside
from your description he sounds like an *kitten*
Lose weight for you never do it for someone else
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Does *kitten* actually rhyme with someone else?Beautiful poem!
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LoneWolfRunner wrote: »
Does *kitten* actually rhyme with someone else?Beautiful poem!
perhaps it's done in the spirit of the spoken word?
oh wait- i think those eventually come around to rhyming too at some point.0 -
Tell him that he is hurting your feelings and he could also be having a direct negative impact on your ability to succeed in fitness/weight management.
So in other words, he's not only being a douche but he's interfering with your progress.
Then ask him if he even lifts.
Then ask him if he even reads: http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/oby.20891/pdf0 -
It's gaslighting and it's verbal and emotional abuse, plain and simple. Regardless of your weight and how he feels about it, his behavior is absolutely unacceptable and you absolutely should not stand for it.
I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I would do. I would find the best, clearest and most extensive explanation of gaslighting and print it out. The next time he engaged in it, I would hand him the printout and ask him to read it. I would tell him that I'm happy to discuss my weight in a calm, respectful and caring manner, and we could also discuss his behavior in a calm, respectful and caring manner. Then I would schedule a time when there are no distractions and we've had time to calm down and think through what we'd like to say...perhaps that evening or the next day. If the discussion gets heated, it's time to bring in a third party in the form of a counselor.
Whatever you decide to do, just know that you do not have to put up with abuse. Ever. There is never a reason good enough for you to do so, no matter how many years you've been together, no matter how many kids are involved, no matter what the financial situation is...there's never, ever a reason to allow yourself to be abused.0 -
Mike Rowe said the following in an article on CNN, and it was a wake up call for me:
"What you do, who you are with, and how you feel about the world around you are completely up to you."
My recommendation to you: Stop letting him hurt your feelings. If this sounds harsh, it's not meant to be, but it's a fact that many women allow others to dictate how they should act, feel, look, etc. because we live in a world of needing constant approval. Because you mentioned you don't want to workout because of his hurtful comments shows that you are allowing him to dictate how you live your life. You control how you feel about yourself, not him.
Next, stand up for yourself in your talk with him. If he's continued making jokes after the discussion, you've given him the impression this behavior is acceptable because you're not upfront with how much it bothers you. You told us you've talked to him before how his remarks made you feel, but you let it settle at him saying it's all in jest. Don't let it stop there. Tell him, "I understand you think it's a joke, but I'm not laughing. Please stop." Like another commentator stated, sometimes subtlety doesn't work. You need to be direct and clear. If he persists that you are over exaggerating, own it and tell him he can think what he wants about your reaction, but it's not going to change the discussion: stop being part of the problem and be part of the solution, or we have bigger issues (such as the health of the marriage) to discuss.
Last, love yourself first!!!!! Women are care takers, nurturers, and very self-sacrifising people. In their desire to be a supporting mate, they can put their own needs on the back burner. It sounds to me like you may have done this, and that's ok! But sometimes you have to put yourself first. I think you've lost your confidence because of him, and you need to give yourself a hug and pep talk that there is nothing wrong with you, with who you are or how you are or why you are. You can make changes for improvement, if YOU want it, but don't let anyone else tell you how you should feel about yourself.
I do want to say, in his defense as he cannot be here to defend himself, these comments he's making may be his way of trying to help you, without being so blunt as to hurt your feelings. (Example: instead of cracking a joke about you getting in the car, he says, "Have you put on 10 pounds?". Which way is worse? He may think joking is a nicer way to tell you his thoughts on your recent weight changes because he can't think of any other sensitive way to say it.) So this may be a communication issue you two can work out, regarding how to express each other's thoughts without causing the other person a melt down.
Good luck, I hope that everything will work out for you!!! Remember, keep your head high, you have a lot of supproters out here!0 -
Tell him his member is small, but then laugh and tell him you were only joking.0
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Your husband is not joking but being mean on purpose.
![:\](https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/resources/emoji/confused.png ":\")
He's too gutless to be honest about how he resents your weight gain. After an accident, I gained a ton of weight - almost 90 pounds. My wife told me I was not as attractive fat, and she told me this when I asked for her opinion. She was not trying to be mean but just being honest.
Most of us know we're not as sexy carrying so much weight, and there is nothing wrong with a frank, open discussion between husband and wife either way. There is a difference between this and just passive, aggressive meanness.
I wish you well with your efforts here...and with your husband. That's just not right.0 -
I would tell him that his behavior is unacceptable, and that if he can't treat you with respect, you will find someone else who will.
He needs a wakeup call.0 -
jfields1987 wrote: »So me and my husband have been together for 7 years come October 31st. And, we love each other very much, but for about the last year he has been saying hurtful things about my weight that he doesn't realize is causing me to be even more self-conscious that what I already was.
A perfect example;
He has a small little car, its a Nissan 240sx, two door, and really low to the ground. I won't get in his car with him, because every-time I do, he makes jokes about how the car is heavier on my side and pulling toward the right (the passenger side) because of the extra weight. Or he says, his car goes slower now and has a hard time picking up speed because it has to pull extra weight.
This is not the only time he says things like this, he'll say things like I need to lose weight because I am starting to look unattractive or that the reason I am so big is cause I eat as much as a cow. (Which I don't I only eat about 1,200 calories a day on avg).
Anyways, its getting to a point where every-time I think about losing weight now or try to, I have all of his remarks stuck in my head and I feel so ashamed that I don't want to go to the gym and I don't even want to be seen in public because I feel like people are judging me.
I've tried to talk to him in the past about it, and I'll start the conversation with something like "I really wish you wouldn't say that, or those things cause it hurts". And he usually replies with "You know I am just playing with you, I just worry about you and your health, and I want you to be around for years to come...it's called tough love", and then he say something like, "You take things to seriously, you need to relax a bit and learn to take a joke".
Anyways, I just don't know how to talk to him, without him making me feel like I am blowing it out of proportion. It's just what little motivation I seem to build up...his comments and remarks seems to make me lose it all.
You sit him down and say, "dh, I love you. I know you are worried about my health. I want your help and support in being a healthy person. I want to trust that I can bring my health issues to you without you making jokes, feeling shamed or told I am being too sensitive. Right now I feel really bad about myself and telling me I am unattractrive or eat like a cow just makes me want to hide. It hurts me deeply. The jokes need to stop. They do not help.
Here is my weight loss plan in detail. Here is my goal. I am not doing a fad diet. I am trying to lose weight in a sensible lasting way and that is not fast. Here are articles on healthy weight loss. Here is what my doctor says. Here is where I am logging food and exercise. You can help me by helping to plan/buy healthy meals and snacks, committing to exercise with me weekly or doing a fitness challenge with me, and simply celebrating my successes along the way. I want to hear that you love me with positive words not put downs. I take this seriously because my health is serious. Having a healthy relationship where I feel I can count on you to help build me up is very serious to me. Can you support me positively?"
If it is hard to say, put it in writing.0 -
You say you "love" each other. I say dump him and while you're at it, dump your current definition of love. There is another type of love out there that isn't hurtful. If feels wonderful and you really should experience it.0
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Yep. I have such issues with someoen who supposedly loves you being so freakin rude. I'd lose all the weight and then leave. If I could wait that longSonicDeathMonkey80 wrote: »You say it through a process server
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DiamondDiva914 wrote: »He's a horribly disrepectful and despicable man, but that's HIS issue...not yours. You can't let his nastiness keep you from doing what's best for you. Join a kickboxing class. Think about his face and his crappy remarks every time you kick the heavy bag or throw a punch. You'll be fit and trim in no time!
Or actually just use his face0 -
This is going to sound extremely immature, so I already know that. But, here is the thing, you have ALREADY tried to tell him that it hurts your feelings and he brushes it off like he just doesn't care. That's NOT OK! Not at all. He needs to realize that it's NOT FUNNY! So, the only way to do that is make comments about something he is insecure about. I'm not saying do it on the regular but say something until he comments on how that hurts his feelings and fire back with "That's exactly how I feel when you talk about my weight, maybe now you will get it" Again, this wouldn't have been my initial response to you had I not read that you ALREADY tried to express how it hurts you and he is treating it like it's nothing. It's not nothing, it's your feelings and it's just not OK!0
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I've tried to talk to him in the past about it, and I'll start the conversation with something like "I really wish you wouldn't say that, or those things cause it hurts". And he usually replies with "You know I am just playing with you, I just worry about you and your health, and I want you to be around for years to come...it's called tough love", and then he say something like, "You take things to seriously, you need to relax a bit and learn to take a joke".
There's a lot of good advice especially coming from people who've been married a long time. I'm guessing you're ignoring the divorce advice.
The thing is---you have talked to him and it didn't work.
It's time to plan a little vacation. Go stay at a friend or family members house for a day or few. Or, get a hotel. When talking doesn't work --take action. Let him realize what life is like without you for a bit. In the least, you can decompress and get your bearings about yourself, return to the house recharged and refocused.
Next time he hurls a rude comment, be blunt at the moment of insult (don't wait to have discussion). The few words the better. It sounds corny but imagine 2 guys having a tiff. If one did a rude thing--the other would call him out (usually with expletives). I have 6 brothers who sometimes have difficulties understanding me until I switch to Man Speak. lol
BTW...let hubby know your plans and when you're coming back (unless you're not)....it'll defeat the purpose. If you have kids put it in writing (txt) for legality reasons.
Good luck!0
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