How do I tell him what he says hurts?

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  • dbmata
    dbmata Posts: 12,951 Member
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    digginDeep wrote: »
    Yeh but the point is it's not fair to stereotype all guys, or all anything for that matter- that's prejudice. And I think this is more about what replies you think are helpful, which is swell, but the point is that there are OTHER GUYS out there, or chicks- not discriminating- who might not make fun of her when they get in her car.

    Worth reposting because it got buried.

    Just because a guy is treating someone terribly, not an excuse for misandry.

    OP - you should just break up, you don't need that crap.
  • sldeane
    sldeane Posts: 6 Member
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    jfields1987 wrote: »
    So me and my husband have been together for 7 years come October 31st. And, we love each other very much, but for about the last year he has been saying hurtful things about my weight that he doesn't realize is causing me to be even more self-conscious that what I already was.

    A perfect example;

    He has a small little car, its a Nissan 240sx, two door, and really low to the ground. I won't get in his car with him, because every-time I do, he makes jokes about how the car is heavier on my side and pulling toward the right (the passenger side) because of the extra weight. Or he says, his car goes slower now and has a hard time picking up speed because it has to pull extra weight.

    This is not the only time he says things like this, he'll say things like I need to lose weight because I am starting to look unattractive or that the reason I am so big is cause I eat as much as a cow. (Which I don't I only eat about 1,200 calories a day on avg).

    Anyways, its getting to a point where every-time I think about losing weight now or try to, I have all of his remarks stuck in my head and I feel so ashamed that I don't want to go to the gym and I don't even want to be seen in public because I feel like people are judging me.

    I've tried to talk to him in the past about it, and I'll start the conversation with something like "I really wish you wouldn't say that, or those things cause it hurts". And he usually replies with "You know I am just playing with you, I just worry about you and your health, and I want you to be around for years to come...it's called tough love", and then he say something like, "You take things to seriously, you need to relax a bit and learn to take a joke".

    Anyways, I just don't know how to talk to him, without him making me feel like I am blowing it out of proportion. It's just what little motivation I seem to build up...his comments and remarks seems to make me lose it all.

    Show him this ^^^^^ that is all
  • mcpostelle
    mcpostelle Posts: 418 Member
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    What Jorocka said. Also, a quote I just read fits relationships very well, "no man is worth your tears, but once you find the one who is; he won't make you cry". Very, very true. I would cut my losses now and leave the abusive situation. I'm going through a slightly similar situation and I'm moving 10 hours away from where I live. Nobody and no relationship is worth losing your happiness and self-worth. You are worth it and you can make it. I hope that you can find the strength to overcome this and to overcome him.
  • libbydoodle11
    libbydoodle11 Posts: 1,351 Member
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    Address it right there and tell him what he is saying hurts you just as he is done saying it. Consider seeking counseling together and or apart. He should know that what he is saying is hurtful. You should be confident enough to approach him.
  • dbmata
    dbmata Posts: 12,951 Member
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    dopeysmelly wrote: »
    FrenchMob wrote: »
    Please stop with the "it's bullying" BS. That word's being overused these days and it doesn't apply. Bullying is about intimidating. This is NOT intimidation, it's simply someone being insensitive, maybe somewhat verbally abusive. Bullying would be said in an aggressive manner; "Lose the weight fatty or I'll leave your *kitten* and nobody will want you."

    Of course I'll be call a bully for this post.

    I agree with this. Some people just get over-comfortable where they are, and whom they're with, and don't realize they're overstepping the boundaries, and don't listen well either. They are just more insensitive than most others and need help resetting the boundaries of what is acceptable. Honestly, some people are just made that way and don't relate well to others' emotions. It's not an excuse, but they just need more help to recognize the emotional impact of what they're doing/saying, than others.

    It sure feels like bullying at the time, and it's not fair that someone else has to pluck up the courage to help them correct their boundaries, sometimes more assertively than they would like. But without knowing the full history, I equally don't think it's fair to immediately wave the "divorce/smack 'em in the face" flag.

    You and your buddy are incorrect of course.

    It's domestic abuse. Even though it isn't physical, it's basically a textbook example of domestic abuse.

    Well done, the two of you don't get it.
  • nickysbt
    nickysbt Posts: 21
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    If he was just joking he would have stopped after you told him his comments were hurtful. At the very least he would have apologised. That he not only continued the comments, but tried to claim that you weren't viewing things "properly" takes his behaviour from insensitivity to emotional abuse.

    This is where you have two choices: you can leave him or you can get into couples therapy and hope that he can be trained into a decent human being. I strongly encourage you to take the first option simply because it's very easy for emotional abuse to escalate to physical abuse, but I understand that some people need to try all other options before going that route.

    Regardless of which option you choose, you may want to pick yourself up a copy of Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It's a good book for understanding the minds of men who are abusive (whether physically or verbally).
  • mcbrainder
    mcbrainder Posts: 73 Member
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    I think now that there's four pages of people agreeing that your husband is a prick, you should print this whole thread out and give it to him.
  • mcbrainder
    mcbrainder Posts: 73 Member
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    Oh, wait...before you do...just in case you take my advice:

    OP's hubby, you're a prick.
  • wmcmurray61
    wmcmurray61 Posts: 192 Member
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    I am sorry but your husband is being an insensitive jerk and you need to tell him to stop because he is hurting you. Asking him to stop and having him continue in that vein is emotional abuse. I am sure he is not perfect either. In fact he sounds far from it. Frankly I'd kick him to the curb.
  • wmcmurray61
    wmcmurray61 Posts: 192 Member
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    My ex, who is very thin and can eat anything with no repurcussions, used to sit on the couch and eat everything he could get his hands on and then smile and laugh at me when I got up to leave the room. He would always do this late in the evening when he knew I had had my calories for the day. One time he actually followed me when I left the room and stood there eating in fromt of me. When I told him I didn't appreciate it he laughed at me. When I mentioned this behavior in counseling the therapist told him flat out that he was being emotionally abusive and combative because he was jealous that I was focused on myself and my weight loss and not on him. I tried. He didn't. One of the many reasons he is my ex-husband. My forever husband loves me through thick and thin, quite literally and has been more supportive than I could ever have imagined. Take care of yourself. Get some marriage counseling. Go from there.
  • dharmabe
    dharmabe Posts: 2 Member
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    horndave wrote: »
    Bottom line what your husband is doing is verbal abuse. It is manipulative and abusive in nature. Time for him to learn how to be a human being and a man that knows how to talk to a woman. I suggest you have a discussion with him about it. If he can't treat you like a person deserves to be treated go to counseling first, then decide from there what is best for you.


    Good luck.

    I agree! Your husband should be the person you trust to never bully you, it's really the worst type, it's never acceptable to treat anyone like that, if it wasn't your weight I suspect he may find fault in another area of your being, I think he needs some help.
  • dharmabe
    dharmabe Posts: 2 Member
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    FrenchMob wrote: »
    Please stop with the "it's bullying" BS. That word's being overused these days and it doesn't apply. Bullying is about intimidating. This is NOT intimidation, it's simply someone being insensitive, maybe somewhat verbally abusive. Bullying would be said in an aggressive manner; "Lose the weight fatty or I'll leave your *kitten* and nobody will want you."

    Of course I'll be call a bully for this post.

    Your statement is untrue and inaccurate.
  • hornpam
    hornpam Posts: 2
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    It's odd to me that this is new behavior for him, within the last year??? I'd start questioning what is he up to? Why the change of heart?
    Makes me wonder...
  • veganbettie
    veganbettie Posts: 701 Member
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    wilsoncl6 wrote: »

    2. He really does love you but is feeling disrespected himself because you may have let yourself go at some point. Some men feel that if you really loved them you would prioritize their wants, needs and desires, that includes trying your best to continue to be that little hotty that he was attracted to in the beginning. Maybe he feels that you don't care about his needs and feelings enough to try to continue to be the woman that he fell in love with. Now he is projecting that feeling towards you in the way he is because he hasn't grown up enough to talk to you about his feelings. This seems superficial, I know, but men aren't women and roll by a different set of rules.

    Some men really think this way? That if I gain weight....it's disrespectful to him? wait. I am just....flabbergasted...
  • andreamaym
    andreamaym Posts: 179 Member
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    Those are some seriously horrendous comments, and outright emotional abuse.
  • Telton66
    Telton66 Posts: 74
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    Some people are telling you to leave your husband because he calls you fat? Wow...no wonder why the divorce rate is so high.

    Tell him you are trying to lose weight and demand that he doesn't call you fat anymore.
  • Tanie98
    Tanie98 Posts: 675 Member
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    I'm so sorry that he's calling you these things. emotional abuse is not a good way to start a life together as it will continue throughout the relationship. I don't know him and don't know you so my best advice is this... tell him you won't put up with any more of that. if it continues then dump his pitiful butt. Having pity on someone is no excuse for getting married. Getting married requires love, admiration and most importantly, respect
  • peaceissues
    peaceissues Posts: 77 Member
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    Your husband doesn't sound like much of a man, by the way you describe his actions, he seems like a childish prick.
  • refuseresist
    refuseresist Posts: 934 Member
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    Has anyone noticed the OP hasn't replied? Perhaps she got overwhelmed by the responses
  • pickledeggy
    pickledeggy Posts: 31 Member
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    btw OP. If when you first got married you were fit, i wouldnt be too surprised by the things he said. Sometimes we let ourselves go, i hold my hand up to that one! I got fat when i was pregnant. I was fit before. Simple! I dont expect my man to find me super attractive as that would be lying to myself. I dont blame him not to, because if i look at myself and think, woah i got fat! Do you think hell be thinking PHWOAAAR?? when he looks at me. lol. No. Weve been dating since we were like 12. I was chubby then but we loved eachother. I got super fit at 17 and he did find me irresistable to say the least. Im in my twenties now. i got pregnant and got fat. Dont lie to yourself, i bet if your man was fit and got super fat you wouldnt find him as sexy. Just be honest. Doesnt mean you dont love him any less. And hey, if your husband isnt fit? WORK YOUR BUTT OFF! Make yourself fit, and when hes the chubby one. put him down if thatll make you feel better. Afterall, its just a joke..right?

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