How do I tell him what he says hurts?



  • eldamiano
    eldamiano Posts: 2,667 Member
    This is a marital issue, rather than a food issue though, isnt it?
  • RenaTX
    RenaTX Posts: 341 Member
    edited October 2014
    I agree with the others. He's being a bully and what he is doing is abusive. He isn't joking with you. He's bullying you and he's trying to shame you and it's no joke.

    If he really was "joking" with you then it should be a joke you too can enjoy or you something which you can make fun of yourself with. Yes there are times when I may have did something silly like once I walked into a closed door because I was too preoccupied with what was on my phone. My husband teased me about it and I too found it funny.

    I also don't consider what he's doing as "tough love". Tough love doesn't go hand in hand with making you feel bad about yourself. For example tough love should be something such if a parent has a drug addicted child. The parent's refuse to help the child out financially until the child gets their act straight. They aren't there making the child feel bad for themselves and what they are doing is hard for them as well.

    I'm not sure how you can get through to your husband. I don't know how you two normally communicate. What happens after he doesn't take responsibility for his behavior and instead says this is all about you? Do you just accept it?

    Don't accept it. It's not YOU. You have already told him you don't like his behavior and that should be enough.

    I suggest the following conversation

    "You know I am just playing with you, I just worry about you and your health, and I want you to be around for years to's called tough love"

    Your response should be. "No I don't believe you are just playing with me. I believe you are bullying me and acting out on your real feelings about me but you are hiding it under the facade of "just playing" rather than taking responsibility for your actions and what they have made me feel. If you want to motivate me you do not need to be mean about it. Instead you can do X, Y or Z".

    Where X , Y or Z is what? Go walking with you to get some exercise? Cook a healthier dinner?

    "You take things to seriously, you need to relax a bit and learn to take a joke".

    Your response should be "The impact of what you are saying to me is serious and and I'm communicating to you that I do not enjoy it. I can take a joke when the joke is something both parties can enjoy. "

    I don't know . Just a thought about what you can say. Another suggestion would be to go to counseling as a couple or if not then at least you should because his behavior isn't nice and I would hate to be in your situation.
  • Cobourg
    Cobourg Posts: 54 Member
    Sounds pretty abusive behaviour to me. Maybe therapy would help or marriage counselling. Abuse doesn't have to be physical, emotional abuse leaves scars too.
  • 40andFindingFitness
    40andFindingFitness Posts: 497 Member
    Just say what's on your mind. Most guys don't take subtle hints and and if you don't say what you're thinking right out they kind of miss the boat. Tell him, "Knock that crap off because it hurts my feelings and if you don't want me to start making fun of your penis then keep your wise cracks to yourself!"

    OK, maybe not that last part. ;)
  • Bellodesiderare
    Bellodesiderare Posts: 278 Member
    I'd get smokin' hot then leave him for a hotter man I met at the gym...
  • Mommaspoon1
    Mommaspoon1 Posts: 38 Member
    Your husband sounds very cruel - I hope that this is not intentional because if it is then you have a problem. You need to be upfront and address this immediately. If this issue is to be resolved a huge amount of honesty is required from both of you. Tell him exactly how you feel and don't let him fob you off by saying that he is only kidding with you. Be strong.
  • I personally would write him a letter. Tell him exactly how it makes you feel when he talks to you like that and tell him things must change. Be direct but speak from your heart. If he loves you he will hear you. So sorry, this is a hurtful thing coming from the person closest to you.
  • FrenchMob
    FrenchMob Posts: 1,167 Member
    Please stop with the "it's bullying" BS. That word's being overused these days and it doesn't apply. Bullying is about intimidating. This is NOT intimidation, it's simply someone being insensitive, maybe somewhat verbally abusive. Bullying would be said in an aggressive manner; "Lose the weight fatty or I'll leave your *kitten* and nobody will want you."

    Of course I'll be call a bully for this post.
  • independant2406
    independant2406 Posts: 447 Member
    edited October 2014
    Someone posted this thread yesterday. It has a lot of factual research about the "guilt" and "negative" thinking your husband is putting on you. If you have the time, please do watch this. Negative thinking and guilt do undermine your willpower and your ability to achieve your goals.

    These are scientifically proven facts and your husband should understand what he's doing is not ok. If he continues to laugh it off when you tell him what he's saying hurts your feelings then it might be time to bring this discussion to a therapist who can help you work through it together.
  • suzy0317
    suzy0317 Posts: 67 Member
    Do it for "Dam! You got hot" and then dump him....I had my finance tell me that he couldn't look at me because I was too heavy (at 135 lbs). I left. Now I have my guy who tells me that he loves my curves at any weight. It's about you. Not what other people think. Love yourself enough to know your true value.
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,006 Member
    Just break up.
  • ivygirl1937
    ivygirl1937 Posts: 899 Member
    I have an older brother who is the same way, with everything in my family (everyone but him is heavier) and he doesn't limit it to weight comments necessarily, but those are by and large what he says. What my mother finally started doing that angered him at first but made him realize how often he was saying hurtful things that weren't helping anyone was anytime that he said something mean, she would quietly count it. She would count them all day and restart the next day. So the first time he said something, she would just quietly say "One." The next time, "Two." And so on and so forth. If nothing else, it made him more aware of how often he was saying hurtful things that were tearing us down. Some days she got up to 30 before the end of the day. If nothing else, he seems to do it less often. I'm not saying it's a cure, you'll probably still want to look into counseling like others have suggested but it somewhat worked for us.
  • jke78
    jke78 Posts: 59 Member
    I was married to a jerk who would say horrible things about my appearance. I figured out later he did it so I would stay with him so he could continue having a verbal punching bag. He had me convinced that no one would ever want me. So I spent years suffering, thinking I was inadequate, that no matter what I did I would never be good enough. Sadly I didn't come to these realizations on my own until he got into trouble and went to jail for a year. Once I was out from underneath his shadow I could suddenly see the light. He's tried every psychological trick in the book to get me back but it's never going to happen again. He still doesn't admit to his wrongs, I'm not even sure he sees the truth himself.

    I truly hope you aren't in a similar situation. From the outside looking in it does appear that way, but without personally knowing you two I can't say for sure. Just please try to step back and look at your situation with clear eyes. Ask yourself is it worth it?

    You know that saying "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me"? It's a lie.

  • yoovie
    yoovie Posts: 17,124 Member
    Is there something he struggles with that you could compare it to? Help him to see things from your point of view and say "I feel this way" instead of "You do this to me!". It might help to keep him off the defensive and listen to you. And you gotta give your man the benefit of the doubt that he will understand. Because, after all, he is holding your heart.
  • scooterjay_wwis
    scooterjay_wwis Posts: 120 Member
    Maybe stop asking sweetly for him to stop and just punch him in the mouth? Seriously, tell him to shut the h*ll up and stop talking to you so disrespectfully.

    I agree. he's just being mean.
  • msmaggs89
    msmaggs89 Posts: 17 Member
    You put your foot down. "No. It's not okay to talk to me like this, I've told you time and time again how it makes me feel and you are showing absolutely no sympathy towards me. I don't care if it's a joke, it makes me feel *kitten* and that's what matters. If you don't give a damn about how I feel, then that says a lot about you." He'll say what he can get away with, and he's probably saying these things because he's feeling self-conscious because of the successes you're having and how he feels like it's affecting him (perhaps he feels fat by comparison and is projecting.) It's inexcusable to talk to you this way and he needs to know that boundary is there, ASAP.
  • scooterjay_wwis
    scooterjay_wwis Posts: 120 Member
    jasonmh630 wrote: »
    meemo88 wrote: »
    hes not joking and thats what he really thinks, but when you confront him about it he says its a joke. men........ ummm i would start by losing weight and than calling him fatty or not in shape and see how he feels

    Also, this statement is alarming to me... Unless you've met every man, then you have no basis to lay out such a blanket statement as if all men are this way.

    AGREE. I don't talk to, or treat women this way.
    ALL MEN are not this way.

  • mom2mcjc
    mom2mcjc Posts: 89 Member
    What would you do if your Mom's boyfriend talked to her that way? Or your sibling? Or your child? What would you want them to do?

    You are young and cute. There is no reason to put up with this kind of thinly veiled verbal abuse.
  • CariJean64
    CariJean64 Posts: 297 Member
    You may need to ask him flat out whether he wants to be part of the problem or part of the solution. Then, if he wants to help (which is probably the case, despite his words), explain to him exactly HOW to help you. If this doesn't change his behavior, then counseling sounds like the next option.
  • missiontofitness
    missiontofitness Posts: 4,074 Member
    jasonmh630 wrote: »
    meemo88 wrote: »
    hes not joking and thats what he really thinks, but when you confront him about it he says its a joke. men........ ummm i would start by losing weight and than calling him fatty or not in shape and see how he feels

    Also, this statement is alarming to me... Unless you've met every man, then you have no basis to lay out such a blanket statement as if all men are this way.

    AGREE. I don't talk to, or treat women this way.
    ALL MEN are not this way.

    Can we not turn this into a "NOT ALL MEN" argument? This post is about the OP, not the semantics of a poster's comment.