How do I tell him what he says hurts?
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I have to agree with what the others are saying here but I thought I'd send hugs and positive thoughts because honestly? Being made to feel less than an inch tall is awful. He's being extremely insensitive and a little bit verbally abusive if I'm honest. I think writing him a letter and maybe mailing it to him would be a step forward. Be honest and speak from the heart. Give him examples, stark and truthful on the paper. And then discuss them with him.
I hope you can sort through this huni.
Sending hugs
xx0 -
missiontofitness wrote: »
Can we not turn this into a "NOT ALL MEN" argument? This post is about the OP, not the semantics of a poster's comment.digginDeep wrote: »missiontofitness wrote: »scooterjay_wwis wrote: »jasonmh630 wrote: »hes not joking and thats what he really thinks, but when you confront him about it he says its a joke. men........ ummm i would start by losing weight and than calling him fatty or not in shape and see how he feels
Also, this statement is alarming to me... Unless you've met every man, then you have no basis to lay out such a blanket statement as if all men are this way.
AGREE. I don't talk to, or treat women this way.
ALL MEN are not this way.
Can we not turn this into a "NOT ALL MEN" argument? This post is about the OP, not the semantics of a poster's comment.
I wouldn't talk to woman this way. It's not fair to lump us all together. Some of us don't drag our knuckles on the ground.
This isn't about your hurt feelings over a comment.
This is about the OP.
Feelings aren't hurt. Just making a statement about an observation I made. But I agree, this is about the OP. I should have never written the original comment lol.
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You have told him already. It sounds like the better question would be are you going to stay miserable or are you going to change? It is impossible to change someone else. You can stay in your relationship and let things stay as they are or you can stop letting his comments get to you and lose the weight you want to lose. You can leave this man who says terrible things to you and then you can either focus on losing the weight or not without his judgement and "jokes" weighing on you.0
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jasonmh630 wrote: »missiontofitness wrote: »
Can we not turn this into a "NOT ALL MEN" argument? This post is about the OP, not the semantics of a poster's comment.digginDeep wrote: »missiontofitness wrote: »scooterjay_wwis wrote: »jasonmh630 wrote: »hes not joking and thats what he really thinks, but when you confront him about it he says its a joke. men........ ummm i would start by losing weight and than calling him fatty or not in shape and see how he feels
Also, this statement is alarming to me... Unless you've met every man, then you have no basis to lay out such a blanket statement as if all men are this way.
AGREE. I don't talk to, or treat women this way.
ALL MEN are not this way.
Can we not turn this into a "NOT ALL MEN" argument? This post is about the OP, not the semantics of a poster's comment.
I wouldn't talk to woman this way. It's not fair to lump us all together. Some of us don't drag our knuckles on the ground.
This isn't about your hurt feelings over a comment.
This is about the OP.
Feelings aren't hurt. Just making a statement about an observation I made. But I agree, this is about the OP. I should have never written the original comment lol.
It's all good!
I used to be guilty of doing that myself ("but not everyone is like that!"). But I realized it deflects attention away from the person looking for advice/support/five minutes to rant/ect. Thanks for understanding. (*)0 -
jfields1987 wrote: »
I've tried to talk to him in the past about it, and I'll start the conversation with something like "I really wish you wouldn't say that, or those things cause it hurts". And he usually replies with "You know I am just playing with you, I just worry about you and your health, and I want you to be around for years to come...it's called tough love", and then he say something like, "You take things to seriously, you need to relax a bit and learn to take a joke".
Anyways, I just don't know how to talk to him, without him making me feel like I am blowing it out of proportion. It's just what little motivation I seem to build up...his comments and remarks seems to make me lose it all.
Two things:
One:that type of behavior is called "gaslighting". It's extremely manipulative and abusive.
It's one thing to joke when both people are amused- but when it's hurtful and you say so- and they respond back with "oh it's just a joke you're over reacting" they are wrong. Do some research on it- I swear to you - it's a real thing- and it's a SERIOUS problem.
- Handle it- don't let it keep going.
Secondly:
Do not let his comments manipulate you into giving up motivation. Focus on working on YOU and nothing else.
Thirdly (I lied- I have 3 things to say)
It's okay if he really doesn't like the weight you've put on. I know I don't like the weight my BF has put on- physical attraction DOES matter. But- it's not the be all end all. He should be able to speak his mind- plainly without malice. You all should be able to have a conversation and be done with it. No need to nag or take jabs at you. Take his opinion in- be as objective as possible and process it- and move forward.
And you can tell him that- honey I understand- and I'm working on it- but you making snide jokes every time we turn around isn't helpful- it's actually extremely counter productive- so knock it the FK off.
(I'd also look up the weight capacity of his car- and then tell him to go eff off when you realize it can carry 2 large men with no problems. Facts don't lie. They tend to shut people up.
Also I have to second this. This is awesome.
Great advice and I hope somewhere in this feed you can find something that might help you
xx 0 -
missiontofitness wrote: »jasonmh630 wrote: »missiontofitness wrote: »
Can we not turn this into a "NOT ALL MEN" argument? This post is about the OP, not the semantics of a poster's comment.digginDeep wrote: »missiontofitness wrote: »scooterjay_wwis wrote: »jasonmh630 wrote: »hes not joking and thats what he really thinks, but when you confront him about it he says its a joke. men........ ummm i would start by losing weight and than calling him fatty or not in shape and see how he feels
Also, this statement is alarming to me... Unless you've met every man, then you have no basis to lay out such a blanket statement as if all men are this way.
AGREE. I don't talk to, or treat women this way.
ALL MEN are not this way.
Can we not turn this into a "NOT ALL MEN" argument? This post is about the OP, not the semantics of a poster's comment.
I wouldn't talk to woman this way. It's not fair to lump us all together. Some of us don't drag our knuckles on the ground.
This isn't about your hurt feelings over a comment.
This is about the OP.
Feelings aren't hurt. Just making a statement about an observation I made. But I agree, this is about the OP. I should have never written the original comment lol.
It's all good!
I used to be guilty of doing that myself ("but not everyone is like that!"). But I realized it deflects attention away from the person looking for advice/support/five minutes to rant/ect. Thanks for understanding. (*)
**high five** Definitely wasn't my intention to be the cause of some butthurt (probably not the best choice of words). OP needs advice and that should be the only topic being discussed.
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RavenLibra wrote: »maybe you should acknowledge the issue... like say.. "I know I am overweight... IF you would like to be part of the solution I would appreciate that more than you constantly reminding me that I am overweight.
OF course YOU are also making excuses to NOT help yourself... any real change needs to come from within... He isn't going to stand there and force you to exercise and manage your diet... and if he does... then your next public whine is going to be what an *sshole he is being for constantly reminding you that you didn't exercise this day .. or that day... or he's now checking the girls out at the gym so why bother... YOU need to find the fire within... and let that be your motivator...
This is gold. Yep, he shouldn't say what he's been saying. But you have to stand up to him every time. Who cares if he thinks your blowing it out of proportion? Help yourself in this, but don't allow his comments to derail your efforts. Do NOT let him be your excuse to not take care of yourself!0 -
I'm pretty sure no overweight person would find those comments funny or motivating. It's his job as your partner to build you up, not break you down. You need to stop being so nice and tell him how it is. "Bottom line: The comments you make about my weight are hurtful and unnecessary. They don't help me and you need to stop. If you don't, I'll take my fat *kitten* elsewhere." Period. Men don't respond to subtlety. You need to tell him exactly how you feel without walking on egg shells. You're not overreacting or blowing anything out of proportion. He's a douche. Maybe he means well and maybe he does love you, but he has a funny way of showing it. He's making you feel ashamed to go to the gym, and it has to stop. If it takes you walking away, then that's what it takes.0
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This makes me so sad. His jokes aren't funny whatsoever, just cruel and immature. Obviously it is your relationship, and there is so much more to than just what you wrote in the post, but if that is how he is regularly approaching your weight issue, I would probably assume he is a just loser in general. I have been with someone for a long time who I was desperately in love with, and he would make cruel jokes at my expense, behind doors and in public, not about weight, but about many other things. I would be upset, say something about it, he would maybe half heartedly apologize or make an excuse like your husband, and finally, one day was just the last straw and I left. Best decision ever. Everyone says cruel things sometimes, but this doesn't sound normal. Look at the overwhelming response of everyone.
It is a big world out there, and you only get one life...
Being healthy should be a positive and uplifting part of your life. I hope you figure everything out!0 -
I think I'd agree with you on the bullying but gas lighting is a real thing- it's abusive and manipulative- I wouldn't call it "bullying"... to me that's different.Please stop with the "it's bullying" BS. That word's being overused these days and it doesn't apply. Bullying is about intimidating. This is NOT intimidation, it's simply someone being insensitive, maybe somewhat verbally abusive. Bullying would be said in an aggressive manner; "Lose the weight fatty or I'll leave your *kitten* and nobody will want you."
Of course I'll be call a bully for this post.
This is a grown *kitten* man hiding behind "it's a joke"
This type of person is the very same person if you were to give him a hard time about his unmnaly car- he'd go pout with his feelings hurt. These types of people do not take reciprocal treatment well- they pout- and act hurt- they cant' handle it- they hide their insecurities by mocking others- then dusting it off as a joke.
It's a SERIOUS problem. I've seen way to many people manipulated and emotionally and verbally abused through this type of treatment.0 -
I think it's best to be direct with men - a lot of them respond well to directness - I would just tell him to stop going on about it - after all, you are taking control and doing something about it!
For me personally, I don't mind being teased about my weight. My husband used to call me "wide load" which is what is written on the back of big trucks - it made me laugh my head off - but then we tease each other all the time as that is the sort of relationship we have. Everyone is different. Good luck.0 -
jfields1987 wrote: »
I've tried to talk to him in the past about it, and I'll start the conversation with something like "I really wish you wouldn't say that, or those things cause it hurts". And he usually replies with "You know I am just playing with you, I just worry about you and your health, and I want you to be around for years to come...it's called tough love", and then he say something like, "You take things to seriously, you need to relax a bit and learn to take a joke".
Anyways, I just don't know how to talk to him, without him making me feel like I am blowing it out of proportion. It's just what little motivation I seem to build up...his comments and remarks seems to make me lose it all.
Two things:
One:that type of behavior is called "gaslighting". It's extremely manipulative and abusive.
It's one thing to joke when both people are amused- but when it's hurtful and you say so- and they respond back with "oh it's just a joke you're over reacting" they are wrong. Do some research on it- I swear to you - it's a real thing- and it's a SERIOUS problem.
- Handle it- don't let it keep going.
Secondly:
Do not let his comments manipulate you into giving up motivation. Focus on working on YOU and nothing else.
Thirdly (I lied- I have 3 things to say)
It's okay if he really doesn't like the weight you've put on. I know I don't like the weight my BF has put on- physical attraction DOES matter. But- it's not the be all end all. He should be able to speak his mind- plainly without malice. You all should be able to have a conversation and be done with it. No need to nag or take jabs at you. Take his opinion in- be as objective as possible and process it- and move forward.
And you can tell him that- honey I understand- and I'm working on it- but you making snide jokes every time we turn around isn't helpful- it's actually extremely counter productive- so knock it the FK off.
(I'd also look up the weight capacity of his car- and then tell him to go eff off when you realize it can carry 2 large men with no problems. Facts don't lie. They tend to shut people up.
all of this. This is exactly what I was thinking as I read your OP. Get into some therapy to help you over your hurdles and find out why you are allowing him to treat you this way.0 -
Tell him that "tough love" is not what works for you, and it is really discouraging. As your husband, he should be your number one supporter. My boyfriend is my biggest coach/cheerleader/fan. We've been together 3 years, and he is definitely the type to joke around about a lot of things. He would joke around with me that I was being a fatty and I'd tease him right back (we're both skinnyfatish. Have some pounds to lose but nothing serious.) but eventually I stopped laughing at it. I told him that it was actually kind of discouraging and hurtful, and he immediately apologized and said "I thought you knew I was just kidding. But if you don't like it I'll stop. I think you're beautiful no matter what you weigh, and I want to support you in everything. I want us to be that healthy fit couple, and I definitely have no room to talk about fitness." Ever since then, he only makes positive comments about my fitness level/weight. We're both really straightforward people, so that might be a part of how we communicate things to one another...but it shouldn't be hard to get your husband to see he's hurting you. He is supposed to love, cherish and understand you.0
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katiehunter921 wrote: »...but it shouldn't be hard to get your husband to see he's hurting you. He is supposed to love, cherish and understand you.
THIS, THIS, THIS.
It's so sad to see situations like this. Ideally you would think someone would marry because they love and care for another person. I just don't see how someone could be okay with bringing someone down to this magnitude, and be so...abrasive when trying to "support" and "motivate" them.0 -
OH boy am I getting tired of these divorce comments!!! Do you not understand marriage. It is supposed to be a lifelong commitment. There are things that need to be gone through before you finally reach the point that divorce is the only answer.
My wife and I had our 20 year anniversary yesterday. If we would have had people around us like some of the posters in this thread we would have been divorced after the 1st year, again at about 5 years. Those probably would have been fine because we didn't have kids yet, but there was a period for between year 10 and 12, after the kids were born, that things got really tough, and it was all me. I am so glad my wife realized what commitment was and stuck it out till I dug myself out of the pit I had buried myself in.
OP, you need to sit down with your husband when there are no distractions and tell him how you really feel. If he insists it is all joking he needs to understand it is only funny if everyone involved finds it funny. If that doesn't work then you need to tell him that the two of you need to see a marriage counselor.0 -
Just a thought, but sometimes it is not about the weight issue. Is he jealous or insecure about something else (or there is another issue between you both) Is this is his way of "one-upping" or demonstrating that he is somehow not inferior (is superior) to you.
Partners who love each other shouldn't try to hurt each others feelings, but should be kind, respectful and gentle with each other. - He very well knows he is hurting you since you probably have already voiced an insecurity about your weight. This is a deliberate way of working a power control into a relationship.
Otherwise, are you sullen and depressed about your weight? Do you constantly complain about your weight and do nothing about it? In his defense, that can be wearing on a spouse too and he is lashing back.
If *you* are happy with your weight, then he needs to back off. Only if *you* want to lose weight, do it.
If you are not happy, perhaps you might consider getting on a serious diet and health kick - JUST for you. Then watch what he says. IF he is supportive and kind, then great, but if he speaks negatively towards your efforts, then you have a bigger problem.
What would he do if you did get in awesome shape? If there are other issues then I suspect the verbal abuse would increase and he would find something else to disparage. That will give you a clue into the state of your marriage. If that is the case you might consider marriage counseling. If he is great and supportive in a kind way, then you I would guess you both will be happier. Good luck!0 -
My heart goes out to you OP. I gained alot of weight and although my husband never mentioned it, I'm sure he thought it.
I think there is a fine line with a spouse telling you in a respectful manner than he/she is concerned with your weight gain and telling them they are fat...
Personally it would have hurt me a great deal if my husband called me fat, but I would have appreciated the fact that he was honest with me about my weight.
You should have a talk with him and tell him it hurts you.
My husband complains now that I lost weight, I have smaller boobs... Although not as mean as your husband, it really hurt. I told him that it really hurt my feelings when he said that even if he was joking. He stopped saying it.
If you do love each other, he will listen and find a more respectful way to discuss weight.
Good luck!0 -
I can't help it. I have been a divorce attorney for 31 years... I see what people are really like. When it comes to stuff like love and marriage, I am a jaded cynic, so to me OP is throwing prime years down a rat-hole chasing the "happily-ever-after" BS with the moron she is anchored to...OH boy am I getting tired of these divorce comments!!! Do you not understand marriage. It is supposed to be a lifelong commitment. There are things that need to be gone through before you finally reach the point that divorce is the only answer.
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No more sex for him and definitely no more bj's
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Im sorry to hear you are going through this. I was with a few guys like this, always talking about my weight. I left the ones I was with because I don't need that type of negativity in my life. Seriously though, sit him down and tell him, look him in the eyes and say to him, that you talking about my weight, even in a JOKING manner, does not help the situation, it only makes matters worse.
Cause honey I am here to tell you that it only DOES make matters worse. The boyfriends I had telling me I was fat, only made me depressed and eat more and gain more weight. Don't let him destroy you, no MAN .. I mean NO MAN is worth that.0 -
oh and btw you are NOTTTTTT fat.0
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i think the most alarming thing in the OP is that she doesn't know how to communicate her feelings to her husband.
he's definitely being a tool, but if you don't know how to tell him that, yikes.0 -
SonicDeathMonkey80 wrote: »You say it through a process server
Exactly. Someone who doesn't respect you enough to say something out of love and concern rather than poke fun isn't someone you wanna be with. Why spend your only life with someone who's going to treat you like that? Love yourself, the lack of respect isn't going to get better, if you just lose weight and don't address the real issue that he has no respect for you, nothing will ever change and he will learn that teasing gets results. Dump his dumb *kitten*.0 -
Having been in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship: it's verbal and emotional abuse. Please seek counseling. I'd start with individual counseling because you need to work on your feelings about being made to feel awful about yourself. Couples counseling will help you preserve the relationship if that's what you want.
Your hurt feelings are valid. He's not "just joking", and he's not saying these things to help you. I suspect he's either also tearing you down about other issues, or else if you lost weight he'd find some other inadequacy to pick on you about.
It's great if you want to lose weight. But in my experience, people lose better when they're in relationships with people who love them unconditionally and will support them no matter what.
Please seek help. You don't have to live like this. Once you feel better about yourself, you'll be able to get onto a diet and exercise plan that works for you, if that's what you want.0 -
jfields1987 wrote: »So me and my husband have been together for 7 years come October 31st. And, we love each other very much, but for about the last year he has been saying hurtful things about my weight that he doesn't realize is causing me to be even more self-conscious that what I already was.
A perfect example;
He has a small little car, its a Nissan 240sx, two door, and really low to the ground. I won't get in his car with him, because every-time I do, he makes jokes about how the car is heavier on my side and pulling toward the right (the passenger side) because of the extra weight. Or he says, his car goes slower now and has a hard time picking up speed because it has to pull extra weight.
This is not the only time he says things like this, he'll say things like I need to lose weight because I am starting to look unattractive or that the reason I am so big is cause I eat as much as a cow. (Which I don't I only eat about 1,200 calories a day on avg).
Anyways, its getting to a point where every-time I think about losing weight now or try to, I have all of his remarks stuck in my head and I feel so ashamed that I don't want to go to the gym and I don't even want to be seen in public because I feel like people are judging me.
I've tried to talk to him in the past about it, and I'll start the conversation with something like "I really wish you wouldn't say that, or those things cause it hurts". And he usually replies with "You know I am just playing with you, I just worry about you and your health, and I want you to be around for years to come...it's called tough love", and then he say something like, "You take things to seriously, you need to relax a bit and learn to take a joke".
Anyways, I just don't know how to talk to him, without him making me feel like I am blowing it out of proportion. It's just what little motivation I seem to build up...his comments and remarks seems to make me lose it all.
my first thought upon reading the comment he makes in the car was
" and he still has all his own teeth" you are much nicer than I am honey I would have knocked his teeth out long ago
beauty is not something on the outside
when you love someone truly love them you love the person they are
not the looks
I have been with my husband for over 20 years we knew each other when we were younger
he had hair then
he did not have a pot belly
he was muscular and fit
when he gained weight my only concern was
his health. heart disease runs in his family
I have been heavy all my adult life
right now I am at my healthiest weight since I was a child
hubs has always thought I was beautiful
losing weight does not change who you are
it changes how you look
and how you feel
Losing weight will not make you a happier person
being happy or sexy or beautiful those are things from the inside
from your description he sounds like an *kitten*
Lose weight for you never do it for someone else
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Does *kitten* actually rhyme with someone else?Beautiful poem!
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LoneWolfRunner wrote: »
Does *kitten* actually rhyme with someone else?Beautiful poem!
perhaps it's done in the spirit of the spoken word?
oh wait- i think those eventually come around to rhyming too at some point.0 -
Tell him that he is hurting your feelings and he could also be having a direct negative impact on your ability to succeed in fitness/weight management.
So in other words, he's not only being a douche but he's interfering with your progress.
Then ask him if he even lifts.
Then ask him if he even reads: http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/oby.20891/pdf0 -
It's gaslighting and it's verbal and emotional abuse, plain and simple. Regardless of your weight and how he feels about it, his behavior is absolutely unacceptable and you absolutely should not stand for it.
I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I would do. I would find the best, clearest and most extensive explanation of gaslighting and print it out. The next time he engaged in it, I would hand him the printout and ask him to read it. I would tell him that I'm happy to discuss my weight in a calm, respectful and caring manner, and we could also discuss his behavior in a calm, respectful and caring manner. Then I would schedule a time when there are no distractions and we've had time to calm down and think through what we'd like to say...perhaps that evening or the next day. If the discussion gets heated, it's time to bring in a third party in the form of a counselor.
Whatever you decide to do, just know that you do not have to put up with abuse. Ever. There is never a reason good enough for you to do so, no matter how many years you've been together, no matter how many kids are involved, no matter what the financial situation is...there's never, ever a reason to allow yourself to be abused.0 -
Mike Rowe said the following in an article on CNN, and it was a wake up call for me:
"What you do, who you are with, and how you feel about the world around you are completely up to you."
My recommendation to you: Stop letting him hurt your feelings. If this sounds harsh, it's not meant to be, but it's a fact that many women allow others to dictate how they should act, feel, look, etc. because we live in a world of needing constant approval. Because you mentioned you don't want to workout because of his hurtful comments shows that you are allowing him to dictate how you live your life. You control how you feel about yourself, not him.
Next, stand up for yourself in your talk with him. If he's continued making jokes after the discussion, you've given him the impression this behavior is acceptable because you're not upfront with how much it bothers you. You told us you've talked to him before how his remarks made you feel, but you let it settle at him saying it's all in jest. Don't let it stop there. Tell him, "I understand you think it's a joke, but I'm not laughing. Please stop." Like another commentator stated, sometimes subtlety doesn't work. You need to be direct and clear. If he persists that you are over exaggerating, own it and tell him he can think what he wants about your reaction, but it's not going to change the discussion: stop being part of the problem and be part of the solution, or we have bigger issues (such as the health of the marriage) to discuss.
Last, love yourself first!!!!! Women are care takers, nurturers, and very self-sacrifising people. In their desire to be a supporting mate, they can put their own needs on the back burner. It sounds to me like you may have done this, and that's ok! But sometimes you have to put yourself first. I think you've lost your confidence because of him, and you need to give yourself a hug and pep talk that there is nothing wrong with you, with who you are or how you are or why you are. You can make changes for improvement, if YOU want it, but don't let anyone else tell you how you should feel about yourself.
I do want to say, in his defense as he cannot be here to defend himself, these comments he's making may be his way of trying to help you, without being so blunt as to hurt your feelings. (Example: instead of cracking a joke about you getting in the car, he says, "Have you put on 10 pounds?". Which way is worse? He may think joking is a nicer way to tell you his thoughts on your recent weight changes because he can't think of any other sensitive way to say it.) So this may be a communication issue you two can work out, regarding how to express each other's thoughts without causing the other person a melt down.
Good luck, I hope that everything will work out for you!!! Remember, keep your head high, you have a lot of supproters out here!0
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