How do I tell him what he says hurts?
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Just break up.0
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I have an older brother who is the same way, with everything in my family (everyone but him is heavier) and he doesn't limit it to weight comments necessarily, but those are by and large what he says. What my mother finally started doing that angered him at first but made him realize how often he was saying hurtful things that weren't helping anyone was anytime that he said something mean, she would quietly count it. She would count them all day and restart the next day. So the first time he said something, she would just quietly say "One." The next time, "Two." And so on and so forth. If nothing else, it made him more aware of how often he was saying hurtful things that were tearing us down. Some days she got up to 30 before the end of the day. If nothing else, he seems to do it less often. I'm not saying it's a cure, you'll probably still want to look into counseling like others have suggested but it somewhat worked for us.0
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I was married to a jerk who would say horrible things about my appearance. I figured out later he did it so I would stay with him so he could continue having a verbal punching bag. He had me convinced that no one would ever want me. So I spent years suffering, thinking I was inadequate, that no matter what I did I would never be good enough. Sadly I didn't come to these realizations on my own until he got into trouble and went to jail for a year. Once I was out from underneath his shadow I could suddenly see the light. He's tried every psychological trick in the book to get me back but it's never going to happen again. He still doesn't admit to his wrongs, I'm not even sure he sees the truth himself.
I truly hope you aren't in a similar situation. From the outside looking in it does appear that way, but without personally knowing you two I can't say for sure. Just please try to step back and look at your situation with clear eyes. Ask yourself is it worth it?
You know that saying "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me"? It's a lie.
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Is there something he struggles with that you could compare it to? Help him to see things from your point of view and say "I feel this way" instead of "You do this to me!". It might help to keep him off the defensive and listen to you. And you gotta give your man the benefit of the doubt that he will understand. Because, after all, he is holding your heart.0
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MsHarryWinston wrote: »Maybe stop asking sweetly for him to stop and just punch him in the mouth? Seriously, tell him to shut the h*ll up and stop talking to you so disrespectfully.
I agree. he's just being mean.
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You put your foot down. "No. It's not okay to talk to me like this, I've told you time and time again how it makes me feel and you are showing absolutely no sympathy towards me. I don't care if it's a joke, it makes me feel *kitten* and that's what matters. If you don't give a damn about how I feel, then that says a lot about you." He'll say what he can get away with, and he's probably saying these things because he's feeling self-conscious because of the successes you're having and how he feels like it's affecting him (perhaps he feels fat by comparison and is projecting.) It's inexcusable to talk to you this way and he needs to know that boundary is there, ASAP.0
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jasonmh630 wrote: »hes not joking and thats what he really thinks, but when you confront him about it he says its a joke. men........ ummm i would start by losing weight and than calling him fatty or not in shape and see how he feels
Also, this statement is alarming to me... Unless you've met every man, then you have no basis to lay out such a blanket statement as if all men are this way.
AGREE. I don't talk to, or treat women this way.
ALL MEN are not this way.
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What would you do if your Mom's boyfriend talked to her that way? Or your sibling? Or your child? What would you want them to do?
You are young and cute. There is no reason to put up with this kind of thinly veiled verbal abuse.0 -
You may need to ask him flat out whether he wants to be part of the problem or part of the solution. Then, if he wants to help (which is probably the case, despite his words), explain to him exactly HOW to help you. If this doesn't change his behavior, then counseling sounds like the next option.0
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scooterjay_wwis wrote: »jasonmh630 wrote: »hes not joking and thats what he really thinks, but when you confront him about it he says its a joke. men........ ummm i would start by losing weight and than calling him fatty or not in shape and see how he feels
Also, this statement is alarming to me... Unless you've met every man, then you have no basis to lay out such a blanket statement as if all men are this way.
AGREE. I don't talk to, or treat women this way.
ALL MEN are not this way.
Can we not turn this into a "NOT ALL MEN" argument? This post is about the OP, not the semantics of a poster's comment.
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Can we not turn this into a "NOT ALL MEN" argument? This post is about the OP, not the semantics of a poster's comment.digginDeep wrote: »missiontofitness wrote: »scooterjay_wwis wrote: »jasonmh630 wrote: »hes not joking and thats what he really thinks, but when you confront him about it he says its a joke. men........ ummm i would start by losing weight and than calling him fatty or not in shape and see how he feels
Also, this statement is alarming to me... Unless you've met every man, then you have no basis to lay out such a blanket statement as if all men are this way.
AGREE. I don't talk to, or treat women this way.
ALL MEN are not this way.
Can we not turn this into a "NOT ALL MEN" argument? This post is about the OP, not the semantics of a poster's comment.
I wouldn't talk to woman this way. It's not fair to lump us all together. Some of us don't drag our knuckles on the ground.
This isn't about your hurt feelings over a comment.
This is about the OP.
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A divorce complaint would help you shed 165 pounds of mouthy, useless weight real quick...0
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The biggest thing, OP, is that sometimes people do not want to take accountability for their actions. Deflecting it onto you; "YOU'RE being too serious." "YOU need to learn to take a joke."; is a way of deflecting responsibility away from themselves, and refusing to be accountable for their actions.
What your husband is doing is not okay. I don't know the history of your relationship, if this is common, or has been going on for a long time. Regardless, this is happening now, and needs to be addressed.
Please try to be assertive when talking to him. When he tries to deflect, don't allow him to do so. Make it clear that what he is doing is not a joke to you, and he needs to stop. If he doesn't want to listen, I would seriously pursue counseling to work on communication, because he cannot shut down and blame you for your reactions to his comments, which are perfectly valid.
Don't lose motivation for your weight loss goals; do it for you! And good luck to you!0 -
MsHarryWinston wrote: »Maybe stop asking sweetly for him to stop and just punch him in the mouth? Seriously, tell him to shut the h*ll up and stop talking to you so disrespectfully.
LOL...Definately THIS
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digginDeep wrote: »missiontofitness wrote: »
Can we not turn this into a "NOT ALL MEN" argument? This post is about the OP, not the semantics of a poster's comment.digginDeep wrote: »missiontofitness wrote: »scooterjay_wwis wrote: »jasonmh630 wrote: »hes not joking and thats what he really thinks, but when you confront him about it he says its a joke. men........ ummm i would start by losing weight and than calling him fatty or not in shape and see how he feels
Also, this statement is alarming to me... Unless you've met every man, then you have no basis to lay out such a blanket statement as if all men are this way.
AGREE. I don't talk to, or treat women this way.
ALL MEN are not this way.
Can we not turn this into a "NOT ALL MEN" argument? This post is about the OP, not the semantics of a poster's comment.
I wouldn't talk to woman this way. It's not fair to lump us all together. Some of us don't drag our knuckles on the ground.
This isn't about your hurt feelings over a comment.
This is about the OP.
Yeh but the point is it's not fair to sterotype all guys, or all anything for that matter- that's prejudice. And I think this is more about you than the OP, and probably a step-dad with boundary issues.
Wow. What an absolutely inappropriate and rude comment to make. I'm sorry you can't voice your feelings without stooping to that kind of level with someone you disagree with.
Edit: And before you even try to blame me, I did not flag you for abuse.-2 -
Joking should never come at the expense of another persons feeling. I am a guy who has had his ups and downs both personally and with my wife. He simply must understand that if he loves you, then he is not properly expressing it, and that what he is expressing is verbal and psychologically abusive. He is being mean and has fallen into trying to passively bully you into changing not realizing the mental damage he is inflecting. Tell him to stop, and if he doesn't, request him to attend sessions with a LMFT. Even if he doesn't want to go, you should call and schedule an appt. just for yourself...0
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divorce0
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Bellodesiderare wrote: »I'd get smokin' hot then leave him for a hotter man I met at the gym...
This +10 -
He's a horribly disrepectful and despicable man, but that's HIS issue...not yours. You can't let his nastiness keep you from doing what's best for you. Join a kickboxing class. Think about his face and his crappy remarks every time you kick the heavy bag or throw a punch. You'll be fit and trim in no time!0
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Agree with what others have said -don't have much to add but just wanted to give you a big hug! My ex was the same and I am still getting over the damage he caused. He actually caused me to gain weight with his endless abuse and calling me fat. Now I'm with a lovely man who thinks the world of me and I am much more motivated to lose weight even though he loves me just as I am.0
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jfields1987 wrote: »
I've tried to talk to him in the past about it, and I'll start the conversation with something like "I really wish you wouldn't say that, or those things cause it hurts". And he usually replies with "You know I am just playing with you, I just worry about you and your health, and I want you to be around for years to come...it's called tough love", and then he say something like, "You take things to seriously, you need to relax a bit and learn to take a joke".
Anyways, I just don't know how to talk to him, without him making me feel like I am blowing it out of proportion. It's just what little motivation I seem to build up...his comments and remarks seems to make me lose it all.
Two things:
One:that type of behavior is called "gaslighting". It's extremely manipulative and abusive.
It's one thing to joke when both people are amused- but when it's hurtful and you say so- and they respond back with "oh it's just a joke you're over reacting" they are wrong. Do some research on it- I swear to you - it's a real thing- and it's a SERIOUS problem.
- Handle it- don't let it keep going.
Secondly:
Do not let his comments manipulate you into giving up motivation. Focus on working on YOU and nothing else.
Thirdly (I lied- I have 3 things to say)
It's okay if he really doesn't like the weight you've put on. I know I don't like the weight my BF has put on- physical attraction DOES matter. But- it's not the be all end all. He should be able to speak his mind- plainly without malice. You all should be able to have a conversation and be done with it. No need to nag or take jabs at you. Take his opinion in- be as objective as possible and process it- and move forward.
And you can tell him that- honey I understand- and I'm working on it- but you making snide jokes every time we turn around isn't helpful- it's actually extremely counter productive- so knock it the FK off.
(I'd also look up the weight capacity of his car- and then tell him to go eff off when you realize it can carry 2 large men with no problems. Facts don't lie. They tend to shut people up.
I have to second this....
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This is really hard for me to relate. My husband and I have been together for 14 years and he has never once complained about my weight or the way I look. He loves me because I can make him smile!
Maybe there is some underlying issues with him. Is he happy in the marriage? Is he happy with his life..himself? You might want an open honest chat about your marriage. Marriage counseling might be in order too.
Trust me, husband don't do that.-1 -
jfields1987 wrote: »
I've tried to talk to him in the past about it, and I'll start the conversation with something like "I really wish you wouldn't say that, or those things cause it hurts". And he usually replies with "You know I am just playing with you, I just worry about you and your health, and I want you to be around for years to come...it's called tough love", and then he say something like, "You take things to seriously, you need to relax a bit and learn to take a joke".
Anyways, I just don't know how to talk to him, without him making me feel like I am blowing it out of proportion. It's just what little motivation I seem to build up...his comments and remarks seems to make me lose it all.
Two things:
One:that type of behavior is called "gaslighting". It's extremely manipulative and abusive.
It's one thing to joke when both people are amused- but when it's hurtful and you say so- and they respond back with "oh it's just a joke you're over reacting" they are wrong. Do some research on it- I swear to you - it's a real thing- and it's a SERIOUS problem.
- Handle it- don't let it keep going.
Secondly:
Do not let his comments manipulate you into giving up motivation. Focus on working on YOU and nothing else.
Thirdly (I lied- I have 3 things to say)
It's okay if he really doesn't like the weight you've put on. I know I don't like the weight my BF has put on- physical attraction DOES matter. But- it's not the be all end all. He should be able to speak his mind- plainly without malice. You all should be able to have a conversation and be done with it. No need to nag or take jabs at you. Take his opinion in- be as objective as possible and process it- and move forward.
And you can tell him that- honey I understand- and I'm working on it- but you making snide jokes every time we turn around isn't helpful- it's actually extremely counter productive- so knock it the FK off.
(I'd also look up the weight capacity of his car- and then tell him to go eff off when you realize it can carry 2 large men with no problems. Facts don't lie. They tend to shut people up.
Wow... some of the best advice I ever read! I wholeheartedly agree with you and believe the OP would be wise to follow.
I was involved in a "gaslight" (I never knew until now there was a "technical" term for it!) relationship for so many years I lost all confidence in myself and started to doubt every thing I thought or ever knew. Needless to say, I could not fix what was wrong and the only fix was to save me and let the relationship go...
Stay strong!0 -
Do it for yourself, not for him. When you begin to love yourself, you'll be less willing to take that crap from him. He's not being funny, he's being mean. He needs to understand that. The best thing is to sit down and talk it over, preferably with a third, impartial, person, like a counselor, and discuss this with him. My husband was doing this in other ways, so even though he wouldn't go to counseling, I started to go by myself. Just having someone impartial that still agrees with me has helped immensely and I've been much less willing to take his crap. To be honest, the only reason I've stayed with my husband is because of our children and the fact that I don't want to share custody with him. Sounds stupid, I know. If you want to make it work with this guy, you have to find a reason and a way to talk to him about his hurtful comments. The fact that he blows it off afterwards and tries to make it like a joke is even worse. I hope you can maybe find a counselor to talk to. It has made all the difference in my life. I'm finally starting to take care of myself. I hope you're doing okay.0
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Please stop with the "it's bullying" BS. That word's being overused these days and it doesn't apply. Bullying is about intimidating. This is NOT intimidation, it's simply someone being insensitive, maybe somewhat verbally abusive. Bullying would be said in an aggressive manner; "Lose the weight fatty or I'll leave your *kitten* and nobody will want you."
Of course I'll be call a bully for this post.
I agree with this. Some people just get over-comfortable where they are, and whom they're with, and don't realize they're overstepping the boundaries, and don't listen well either. They are just more insensitive than most others and need help resetting the boundaries of what is acceptable. Honestly, some people are just made that way and don't relate well to others' emotions. It's not an excuse, but they just need more help to recognize the emotional impact of what they're doing/saying, than others.
It sure feels like bullying at the time, and it's not fair that someone else has to pluck up the courage to help them correct their boundaries, sometimes more assertively than they would like. But without knowing the full history, I equally don't think it's fair to immediately wave the "divorce/smack 'em in the face" flag.0 -
I also want to add that if he really was concerned for your health he should address it properly not be mean about it.0
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Here is my two cents from a guys perspective, and the possibilities are:
1. He really does love you and care about your health and appearance and feels that the only real way to motivate you to do something about it is through these negative comments, framed as jokes. Guys are fixers and if someone says something negative about us or something we do, we change it so they can't say it anymore. We expect women to function the same way but they don't. Maybe he may have made covert comments about your appearance or health before but he may have felt that you weren't getting the message and has decided to use more harsher means.
2. He really does love you but is feeling disrespected himself because you may have let yourself go at some point. Some men feel that if you really loved them you would prioritize their wants, needs and desires, that includes trying your best to continue to be that little hotty that he was attracted to in the beginning. Maybe he feels that you don't care about his needs and feelings enough to try to continue to be the woman that he fell in love with. Now he is projecting that feeling towards you in the way he is because he hasn't grown up enough to talk to you about his feelings. This seems superficial, I know, but men aren't women and roll by a different set of rules.
3. And the most painful is that he really doesn't love you anymore and is trying to find a way to sabotage the relationship and place the blame on you. You could file for divorce but then he could always tell people that you were the cause of the breakup because you let yourself go and you didn't care enough about him or the marriage to do something about it.
What I don't understand is the advice people are giving to divorce the guy, get in shape and then send him photos of yourself afterwards to show him what he lost. That neither helps nor fixes the problem. If you needed motivation to get in shape, hurting your ex shouldn't be it. Do it for yourself, do it for your marriage, do it for your man if you think he's worth it but don't do it out of revenge.0 -
Lose weight. 200 pounds give or take and a 240sx's worth ought to do it.0
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<<HUGS >> I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you can find a way to take care of yourself no matter what he says/does that may discourage you.
I agree with some of what was said before. Some people (not just men) say things, make jokes, pick fights when they're feeling emotions that they're not comfortable expressing. It may be that he is worried about you but doesn't know how to say that outright until things escalate a bit and you call him on his jerky remarks. Of course, he may just be a bit of a jerk - only you will know that.
I would agree that confronting/talking to him while your emotions are high may not be the best time. An approach like @ivygirl1937 might be a better approach in the moment and then talk to him about it when you feel more in control of your emotions. I definitely encourage you to keep talking to him about it and letting him know it hurts your feelings and is demotivating.
I don't know how open you are when you respond, but it might break through if you tell him how you react when he makes you feel like that. 'When you say that, you make me so sad I don't even want to try... you make me feel so embarrassed about myself, that I don't want to go out in public... you make me so self-conscious, I struggle to be intimate with you...' Some people don't understand the impact of their words/actions until confronted with the consequences.
A life partner, in my opinion, should always want the best for us, should nurture and care for us, and if they're detracting from our quality of life, that should give them pause and make them re-evaluate what they're doing. (Counseling was suggested by someone and it could be helpful if the two of you have different expectations of the kind of support a spouse should provide.)
All in all, I wish you luck and courage to find the right resolution. Blessings!0 -
A couple things:
1) Your husband is an *kitten*.
2) Is the 1200 calories per day on average a new thing?0
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