How to get my husband to accept me lifting heavy?
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Elsie_Brownraisin wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »It is all solved. He just wants more sex.
I know I'm going to get a rash of *kitten* for this but I have never once turned my husband down for sex. I beleive it's my duty as a wife to be there for my husband. I don't care how tired I am or what I feel like, I have not and will not ever turn him down. That being said, he doesn't ask for it if he knows I'm really not feeling well... But if he wants more he knows all he ever has to do is ask.
Now if you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine but please don't tell me I'm wrong for feeling that way. I'm not going to change.
Yet you made a point of saying it anyway, when it was quite unrelated to the discussion. You've made your postion clear - exercising in tiny clothes, submissive in all aspects to your man and you keep revealing this information bit at a time over your replies.
There are other forums, full of people that feel the same way, would agree with you and wouldn't judge you.
However, you wouldn't get 11 pages of replies from them, would you? Because it's not that unique. Tiresome even.
The info about my sex life was related because several people continued to say give him more sex. I said what I said so they would understand that's not the problem. As far as my exercise clothes, that's a matter of comfort and my husband is in another room with the door shut while I exersice so I don't see what that has to do with anything. Again it was only brought up because people kept freaking out over the thought of me lifting in a dress.
The point of this whole thread was not to get a rise out of people or drag it on for pages. All I wanted was for someone to give me a little advice on how to get my husband to accept my weight lifting and not look at it as a negitive thing. I included background to our realationship so people would understand were we both are coming from. Some where in my OP I guess I said some crazy things (still not sure where I went wrong) and the thread ran in a totally differant direction than I intended.
This really did seem like the right place to ask a question about getting support for exercising.0 -
Doesn't "let" you grill? Won't "let" you take out the garbage? Can't scoop ice cream? Yeesh. How are you ever gonna survive when he dies?0
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Elsie_Brownraisin wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »It is all solved. He just wants more sex.
I know I'm going to get a rash of *kitten* for this but I have never once turned my husband down for sex. I beleive it's my duty as a wife to be there for my husband. I don't care how tired I am or what I feel like, I have not and will not ever turn him down. That being said, he doesn't ask for it if he knows I'm really not feeling well... But if he wants more he knows all he ever has to do is ask.
Now if you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine but please don't tell me I'm wrong for feeling that way. I'm not going to change.
Yet you made a point of saying it anyway, when it was quite unrelated to the discussion. You've made your postion clear - exercising in tiny clothes, submissive in all aspects to your man and you keep revealing this information bit at a time over your replies.
There are other forums, full of people that feel the same way, would agree with you and wouldn't judge you.
However, you wouldn't get 11 pages of replies from them, would you? Because it's not that unique. Tiresome even.
lots of people admit on this site that they work out in underwear- or nothing at all (usually more underwear than nothings- but reality is plenty of people do it- including yours truly) but it's not really that pertinent. The only reason why it really came up was b/c she said she doesn't wear pants- and people asked how she lifted if she didn't wear pants. It was an answer to a question.
While I think many of us agree this is pretty much something that would be pretty vanilla at FetLife- we aren't on fetlife-we are on a calorie counting site that includes people who discuss their fitness journey with others- and often times about the issues they have with significant others and it's an integral part of the discussion considering their life style choice is potentially impacting her decisions for workouts.
While I don't fully agree with her life style choice- I think the conversation has been fairly respectable and flame-less and she's gotten some great advice and also hasn't over reacted. I see nothing over the top or not really even excessive flamebaited judging.
I think this thread's been interesting and fairly productive actually.0 -
Tell him that being WANTED > being needed. You may need him for some things, but the fact that you still want him, even with that being the case, should be important.0
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i think everyone on here for the most part are being ridiculous.
i understand the relationship you and your man have. i to have the similar relationship, i like to have traditional roles, cook, clean, him opening doors, or paying for dinner. just because these are the things that you contribute to the relationship doesn't mean its an unequal or disrespectful relationship. my boyfriend always thanks me when i do any of these things for him and i to him when he does things for me. if i dont cook, clean or whatever he doesn't come home and say " what the hell woman why isn't my laundry done or my food made" if it isnt done, he doesn't look at me with a snark, or ask me when im going to do it. he understands that i do it because i like to, and becuase i love him not because i have to.
that being said its all about change, sometimes its hard to see someone you love change because you feel that they might grow apart from you or your love might change. just reassure him that you want to do this for yourself its important to you. But its natural for it to be difficult for him, just ask for his support. if he loves and respects you like you say he does he will warm up to it.
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I'm so different from the person I was at 25.
THIS. I was engaged at 27 but if I had gotten married then, I would be just be divorced by now. I'm 35 and still figuring myself out. But that's just me. I try to be introspective and I know I can always improve. Maybe I'm a late bloomer. 0 -
If I had to give any advice, it would be to read the book "The Five Love Languages".
I think you (and he) might really benefit from the concepts in it.0 -
My family was stuck in male/female roles with me doing most of the work. As I lost weight, I found I wanted to do more "out door" things and didn't want to make dinner, clean house, etc. I have changed a lot in 3 years including body building, getting tattoos and doing things I normally wouldn't do. I was very conservative and didn't like who I was...so I changed. I moved from a house to an apartment so I didn't have to spend my weekends cleaning and doing yard work. I hired a maid and focused on me for a change. Now I body build, hike, bike and when someone asks "what's for dinner?" I respond....."whatever you want to make." I am through with traditional, conservative roles. I want to have a little fun with my new body. My husband didn't take the changes too well at first but now he is joining in and finding that he was stuck in a rut too. You have only one life to live so don't spend it in an unhappy state.0
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I probably should've thought of this earlier, but it just occurred to me -- why not ask him to hold off on judging your plan for a certain amount of time, maybe 3-6 months? Let him see what lifting is and isn't going to do for your body, and then discuss it again. You know it isn't going to turn you into a she-hulk, but if he doesn't know any other women who lift, he may not believe it. Just ask him to let you explore it for a certain amount of time. You're not going to do anything in 6 months that can't be un-done.GothyFaery wrote: »The point of this whole thread was not to get a rise out of people or drag it on for pages. All I wanted was for someone to give me a little advice on how to get my husband to accept my weight lifting and not look at it as a negitive thing. I included background to our realationship so people would understand were we both are coming from. Some where in my OP I guess I said some crazy things (still not sure where I went wrong) and the thread ran in a totally differant direction than I intended.
Have you shown him pictures of the type of body you'd like to get through lifting so he has a point of reference? I mentioned that my BF and I had to look through a lot of pics to make sure we were on the same page, because I hear "heavy lifting" and think I'd love to look like Christmas Abbott, even if I'm not going to get there, whereas he apparently hears "a little bulky" and thinks "dear gods, she's going to look like Chyna." Totally never going to happen, but that's the dumb picture he has in his head with that term.0 -
Amazing to this divorce lawyer how a girl who wants to do everything she can to make her marriage work is getting unbelievable amounts of grief. It is no wonder the divorce rate is so high. The key to making a marriage work is to not let your spouse out-serve you. Put your spouse's needs over your own. Marriage is selfless, not selfish. If you think marriage is all about yourself or that you are more important than your spouse, you won't make it... and that just comes from 31 years of watching marriages destruct.
Maybe OP's husband will make it clear that her lifting is jeopardizing the marriage... at that point, she needs to decide what is more important in the big scheme of things... squats or her marriage. It just a matter of priorities. My experience tells me that if OP let's her husband know that he is far more important to her than a muscular build and that she won't lift if it's going to trash the relationship, then he will chill out and let her lift all she wants. Again... not being preachy...just relaying what I have seen during three decades of observing people totally eff up their relationships.... and the ones that find ways to succeed.0 -
GothyFaery wrote: »I'm just going to give him some time and see how it goes. At the end of the day my marrage is more important to me so I'll do what I have to do. If it has to come down to one or the other, I'll gladly chose him but I'm hoping there's a middle ground in there somewhere. Just got to give it some more time.
Dunno, you shouldn't press it. Just stop, and if he wants you to get back into it, he'll tell you.0 -
GothyFaery wrote: »Elsie_Brownraisin wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »It is all solved. He just wants more sex.
I know I'm going to get a rash of *kitten* for this but I have never once turned my husband down for sex. I beleive it's my duty as a wife to be there for my husband. I don't care how tired I am or what I feel like, I have not and will not ever turn him down. That being said, he doesn't ask for it if he knows I'm really not feeling well... But if he wants more he knows all he ever has to do is ask.
Now if you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine but please don't tell me I'm wrong for feeling that way. I'm not going to change.
Yet you made a point of saying it anyway, when it was quite unrelated to the discussion. You've made your postion clear - exercising in tiny clothes, submissive in all aspects to your man and you keep revealing this information bit at a time over your replies.
There are other forums, full of people that feel the same way, would agree with you and wouldn't judge you.
However, you wouldn't get 11 pages of replies from them, would you? Because it's not that unique. Tiresome even.
The info about my sex life was related because several people continued to say give him more sex. I said what I said so they would understand that's not the problem. As far as my exercise clothes, that's a matter of comfort and my husband is in another room with the door shut while I exersice so I don't see what that has to do with anything. Again it was only brought up because people kept freaking out over the thought of me lifting in a dress.
The point of this whole thread was not to get a rise out of people or drag it on for pages. All I wanted was for someone to give me a little advice on how to get my husband to accept my weight lifting and not look at it as a negitive thing. I included background to our realationship so people would understand were we both are coming from. Some where in my OP I guess I said some crazy things (still not sure where I went wrong) and the thread ran in a totally differant direction than I intended.
This really did seem like the right place to ask a question about getting support for exercising.
Sorry they're giving you such a hard time. Most of them are too fixated on your marriage to answer your question or make helpful suggestions, and that sucks. This should, indeed, be a place where you should be able to get support for exactly the situation you're experiencing. Other women have asked exactly the same question and were able to get sensible advice. It's unfortunate that so many people can't get past your relationship enough to even attempt to be helpful.
You have nothing to apologize for or defend.
For those who still actually want to help, the question wasn't whether or not the OP should continue lifting. The question was what methods she might employ to make her lifting more palatable to her husband, who has expressed some reservations about it.
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GothyFaery wrote: »I'm just going to give him some time and see how it goes. At the end of the day my marrage is more important to me so I'll do what I have to do. If it has to come down to one or the other, I'll gladly chose him but I'm hoping there's a middle ground in there somewhere. Just got to give it some more time.
Dunno, you shouldn't press it. Just stop, and if he wants you to get back into it, he'll tell you.
LOL
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SnuggleSmacks wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »Elsie_Brownraisin wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »It is all solved. He just wants more sex.
I know I'm going to get a rash of *kitten* for this but I have never once turned my husband down for sex. I beleive it's my duty as a wife to be there for my husband. I don't care how tired I am or what I feel like, I have not and will not ever turn him down. That being said, he doesn't ask for it if he knows I'm really not feeling well... But if he wants more he knows all he ever has to do is ask.
Now if you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine but please don't tell me I'm wrong for feeling that way. I'm not going to change.
Yet you made a point of saying it anyway, when it was quite unrelated to the discussion. You've made your postion clear - exercising in tiny clothes, submissive in all aspects to your man and you keep revealing this information bit at a time over your replies.
There are other forums, full of people that feel the same way, would agree with you and wouldn't judge you.
However, you wouldn't get 11 pages of replies from them, would you? Because it's not that unique. Tiresome even.
The info about my sex life was related because several people continued to say give him more sex. I said what I said so they would understand that's not the problem. As far as my exercise clothes, that's a matter of comfort and my husband is in another room with the door shut while I exersice so I don't see what that has to do with anything. Again it was only brought up because people kept freaking out over the thought of me lifting in a dress.
The point of this whole thread was not to get a rise out of people or drag it on for pages. All I wanted was for someone to give me a little advice on how to get my husband to accept my weight lifting and not look at it as a negitive thing. I included background to our realationship so people would understand were we both are coming from. Some where in my OP I guess I said some crazy things (still not sure where I went wrong) and the thread ran in a totally differant direction than I intended.
This really did seem like the right place to ask a question about getting support for exercising.
Sorry they're giving you such a hard time. Most of them are too fixated on your marriage to answer your question or make helpful suggestions, and that sucks. This should, indeed, be a place where you should be able to get support for exactly the situation you're experiencing. Other women have asked exactly the same question and were able to get sensible advice. It's unfortunate that so many people can't get past your relationship enough to even attempt to be helpful.
You have nothing to apologize for or defend.
For those who still actually want to help, the question wasn't whether or not the OP should continue lifting. The question was what methods she might employ to make her lifting more palatable to her husband, who has expressed some reservations about it.
So...what's your advice?
I got nothing.
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SnuggleSmacks wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »Elsie_Brownraisin wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »It is all solved. He just wants more sex.
I know I'm going to get a rash of *kitten* for this but I have never once turned my husband down for sex. I beleive it's my duty as a wife to be there for my husband. I don't care how tired I am or what I feel like, I have not and will not ever turn him down. That being said, he doesn't ask for it if he knows I'm really not feeling well... But if he wants more he knows all he ever has to do is ask.
Now if you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine but please don't tell me I'm wrong for feeling that way. I'm not going to change.
Yet you made a point of saying it anyway, when it was quite unrelated to the discussion. You've made your postion clear - exercising in tiny clothes, submissive in all aspects to your man and you keep revealing this information bit at a time over your replies.
There are other forums, full of people that feel the same way, would agree with you and wouldn't judge you.
However, you wouldn't get 11 pages of replies from them, would you? Because it's not that unique. Tiresome even.
The info about my sex life was related because several people continued to say give him more sex. I said what I said so they would understand that's not the problem. As far as my exercise clothes, that's a matter of comfort and my husband is in another room with the door shut while I exersice so I don't see what that has to do with anything. Again it was only brought up because people kept freaking out over the thought of me lifting in a dress.
The point of this whole thread was not to get a rise out of people or drag it on for pages. All I wanted was for someone to give me a little advice on how to get my husband to accept my weight lifting and not look at it as a negitive thing. I included background to our realationship so people would understand were we both are coming from. Some where in my OP I guess I said some crazy things (still not sure where I went wrong) and the thread ran in a totally differant direction than I intended.
This really did seem like the right place to ask a question about getting support for exercising.
Sorry they're giving you such a hard time. Most of them are too fixated on your marriage to answer your question or make helpful suggestions, and that sucks. This should, indeed, be a place where you should be able to get support for exactly the situation you're experiencing. Other women have asked exactly the same question and were able to get sensible advice. It's unfortunate that so many people can't get past your relationship enough to even attempt to be helpful.
You have nothing to apologize for or defend.
For those who still actually want to help, the question wasn't whether or not the OP should continue lifting. The question was what methods she might employ to make her lifting more palatable to her husband, who has expressed some reservations about it.
So...what's your advice?
I got nothing.
I gave mine on a previous page...but I'll give a synopsis. Since they do pretty much everything together, I suggested that perhaps she should involve him in her lifting by asking him to spot her, or asking him to video her to check form. He may be feeling left out because this is the first time she's done something which completely excludes him on one of their days off together.
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I see to a point what she is saying.....I too am sort of stuck in the 1950's. I do all the cooking, and cleaning, I even lay my husbands close out in the morning, I do all the shopping and caring for the kids, I do work out side of the home, but there are times I stay home for a couple yrs at a time. My husband and sons do the yard work, and work on the cars, fix things in the house when they are broken. Just as it feels good to my husband to be needed, it feels good to me to have someone who feels as a lady I shouldn't HAVE to mow the lawn or fix a car.....doesn't mean I couldn't if I had to....Now I have not started lifting....just walking, running, and the elliptical ( and my husband has been working out of town the past month) so this exact topic has not came up yet. However, knowing my husband, he would make comments such as " you don't need me anymore" and things like that, he would say it joking, but deep down I know he would feel it. I don't NEED my husband, I want him, but I do make him feel needed. Doesn't make me weak, doesn't mean I cant survive on my own...just means I love him and want him to feel good. Part of being married is compromise, and communication, maybe if you talk to your husband and assure him you do not want to get bulky and if lifting starts bulking you up you will find a different form of exercise to keep yourself fit and healthy...and happy. Good luck to you, I know the situation you are in......( only I do wear jeans lol )0
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GothyFaery wrote: »Just because we have a 1950's mindset doesn't mean we aren't equils. I'm sorry if you don't agree with it but I'm not asking you to agree. I will always dream of being the perfect Stepford wife. It's what I want.
Exactly. I haven't read the whole thread, but I find it interesting that some have decided your relationship roles are the problem. I am 51 years old - old enough to remember the second wave of feminism - so I know it's about having choices. (Hear that 20-somethings? We who came before you fought so you could have choices; not so you could bash each other's choices.)
My marriage is not so different than yours in that we each have our roles. (He cooks, I don't allow him to do the laundry because he's bad at it. I fix things because he's bad with tools, and he does the yard work.) But my husband very much likes to do things for me, and if I try to take that away from him, it makes him unhappy. In your shoes, I would frame your workouts in the context of *health* and stop focusing on the lifting so much when you talk about them. I do agree with those who have said that the strength training is what's making him feel threatened, so just cool it on the lifting talk, but keep doing what you're doing.
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GothyFaery wrote: »Elsie_Brownraisin wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »It is all solved. He just wants more sex.
I know I'm going to get a rash of *kitten* for this but I have never once turned my husband down for sex. I beleive it's my duty as a wife to be there for my husband. I don't care how tired I am or what I feel like, I have not and will not ever turn him down. That being said, he doesn't ask for it if he knows I'm really not feeling well... But if he wants more he knows all he ever has to do is ask.
Now if you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine but please don't tell me I'm wrong for feeling that way. I'm not going to change.
Yet you made a point of saying it anyway, when it was quite unrelated to the discussion. You've made your postion clear - exercising in tiny clothes, submissive in all aspects to your man and you keep revealing this information bit at a time over your replies.
There are other forums, full of people that feel the same way, would agree with you and wouldn't judge you.
However, you wouldn't get 11 pages of replies from them, would you? Because it's not that unique. Tiresome even.
The info about my sex life was related because several people continued to say give him more sex. I said what I said so they would understand that's not the problem. As far as my exercise clothes, that's a matter of comfort and my husband is in another room with the door shut while I exersice so I don't see what that has to do with anything. Again it was only brought up because people kept freaking out over the thought of me lifting in a dress.
The point of this whole thread was not to get a rise out of people or drag it on for pages. All I wanted was for someone to give me a little advice on how to get my husband to accept my weight lifting and not look at it as a negitive thing. I included background to our realationship so people would understand were we both are coming from. Some where in my OP I guess I said some crazy things (still not sure where I went wrong) and the thread ran in a totally differant direction than I intended.
This really did seem like the right place to ask a question about getting support for exercising.
Keep your personal life private if you don't want varied opinions on it.
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He's probably worried you'll lose interest in him and want a new man.0
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First of all, I am a man and I think you're terrific! You lift those heavy weights! Go out there and become a stronger, more physically capable version of yourself! (woo-who!)
Next I'd like to say that I think your relationship with your husband is very sweet and loving - love is a beautiful thing!
Thirdly, I think you showing your husband pictures was a good idea, and I am sorry he didn't seem to get the message.
Fourth: I am presently seeing a therapist and I think I am making some progress with the issues my wife and I have (sorry readers, it's private) so what about seeing a therapist?
And finally, how are things going? (Is that nosey of me?) I wish you and your husband all the best! And slap a couple more plates on that bar, strong women are AWESOME!!! (I encourage my wife to lift)
PS: you can scoop your own ice cream now? Wow, you're really making progress! Today ice cream, tomorrow helping your neighbors move "the heavy stuff" *wink*0
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