Am I being selfish?
Boccellin
Posts: 137 Member
So my fiance and I had a big fight today. We've made up and agreed to put it behind us, but neither one of us has admitted we were wrong, and I was hoping for opinions.
I have been getting into running, doing it steadily for over a year now. Back in very early August, I signed up for a half marathon in Trenton New Jersey. It gave me exactly twelve weeks to complete the Hal Higdon training program I chose. When I signed up for it, I did mention it to my fiance, I told him it would be in November, and I told him it would be in Trenton, New Jersey, which is about an hour drive away from us. He knew I wanted him to come out and support me, and at the time, he did not make an argument.
However, now that the half marathon is this Saturday, he's been steadily bitching more and more about it, culminating in our fight this afternoon. He is a band teacher, and during the school week, he travels to three different schools. The job stresses him out. When he comes home after school, he wants to relax and play video games. During the weekend, though we sometimes go out to dinner or for a brief shopping trip, the vast majority of Saturday and Sunday he wants to spend in our apartment relaxing.
His biggest complaint, the one that truly triggered our fight, is that he's "wasting" one of his two weekend days. He says we're going to have to spend a grand total of three hours driving, and around 3 hours at the half marathon itself, which "wastes" a minimum of 6 hours of his Saturday that he could be spending relaxing. His next complaint is that he's going to be alone for those three hours while I'm running, and he's going to be bored. That makes his Saturday not only wasted, but boring. Then, he complained about the gas money we're going to have to spend to get there, at least 20 dollars worth, and money is kind of tight (yet, he always has money for video games....). Then, when I brought up how much I spent to register for the half marathon in the first place, he completely blew up and flipped out at me for "throwing away" 95 dollars. Granted, this 95 dollars was MY money, but he's been paying the vast, vast majority of our bills because I've only been able to get part-time work lately. He claims that the 95 dollars could have been put to much better use. I didn't bring up how much he spends on video games, because he does pay the majority of the bills, and he should be able to splurge a bit.
I told him that I haven't bought myself anything worth more than 5 dollars in a year and a half, no clothes, no books, no entertainment, nothing. Yes, the 95 dollars could have been better spent, but if it was the only thing I was splurging on in a year and a half, I didn't think it was that unreasonable. I told him that I've been training for this event for 3 solid months, and I didn't think he should count his Saturday as "wasted" because he was coming out to support me. I told him that yes, he'd be alone for 2-3 hours, but I'd gone to concerts for him at his schools to support him. The total numbers I have spent supporting him at his concert is easily more than 20, and I've never asked him to support me before.
What upsets me the most, and that I told him upsets me the most, is how much he's been complaining about doing this. I can understand that he doesn't want to go, it's not exciting for him, but I want him to do it without complaining. When he rants endlessly about what a horrible inconvenience it is, how boring it's going to be, how it's the last thing in the world he wants to do on a Saturday, it made me feel awful. I asked him to please stop complaining and ranting and raving. He said he had every right to complain because I'm asking a lot of him. Finally, I snapped at him to just not come, that I didn't want his support if he didn't truly want to give it. He said no, that he wasn't giving me "something to guilt-trip him about later" (I have NEVER guilt tripped him) and that he was definitely going.
He then ranted that I handled this event completely wrong. That I should have told him from the second I registered how much I was paying, where it was, exactly how much of his day I would be "wasting". I should have done this and given him a chance to say "no". Then he told me that if I wanted him to support me, I shouldn't have been selfish enough to do it during the weekend, when he only has two days off from school. I should have magically found a race that was closer to us, so he wouldn't have to drive as far, and that took place during one of his school breaks so "wasting" a day didn't matter as much. He told me that I was being selfish, asking him to do this so that I could run in a race.
I don't think I'm selfish...but am I? Am I selfish asking him to do this for me? Am I selfish for spending the 95 dollars on myself? Am I selfish asking him to give up one of his days off because I want someone to support me while I run?
I have been getting into running, doing it steadily for over a year now. Back in very early August, I signed up for a half marathon in Trenton New Jersey. It gave me exactly twelve weeks to complete the Hal Higdon training program I chose. When I signed up for it, I did mention it to my fiance, I told him it would be in November, and I told him it would be in Trenton, New Jersey, which is about an hour drive away from us. He knew I wanted him to come out and support me, and at the time, he did not make an argument.
However, now that the half marathon is this Saturday, he's been steadily bitching more and more about it, culminating in our fight this afternoon. He is a band teacher, and during the school week, he travels to three different schools. The job stresses him out. When he comes home after school, he wants to relax and play video games. During the weekend, though we sometimes go out to dinner or for a brief shopping trip, the vast majority of Saturday and Sunday he wants to spend in our apartment relaxing.
His biggest complaint, the one that truly triggered our fight, is that he's "wasting" one of his two weekend days. He says we're going to have to spend a grand total of three hours driving, and around 3 hours at the half marathon itself, which "wastes" a minimum of 6 hours of his Saturday that he could be spending relaxing. His next complaint is that he's going to be alone for those three hours while I'm running, and he's going to be bored. That makes his Saturday not only wasted, but boring. Then, he complained about the gas money we're going to have to spend to get there, at least 20 dollars worth, and money is kind of tight (yet, he always has money for video games....). Then, when I brought up how much I spent to register for the half marathon in the first place, he completely blew up and flipped out at me for "throwing away" 95 dollars. Granted, this 95 dollars was MY money, but he's been paying the vast, vast majority of our bills because I've only been able to get part-time work lately. He claims that the 95 dollars could have been put to much better use. I didn't bring up how much he spends on video games, because he does pay the majority of the bills, and he should be able to splurge a bit.
I told him that I haven't bought myself anything worth more than 5 dollars in a year and a half, no clothes, no books, no entertainment, nothing. Yes, the 95 dollars could have been better spent, but if it was the only thing I was splurging on in a year and a half, I didn't think it was that unreasonable. I told him that I've been training for this event for 3 solid months, and I didn't think he should count his Saturday as "wasted" because he was coming out to support me. I told him that yes, he'd be alone for 2-3 hours, but I'd gone to concerts for him at his schools to support him. The total numbers I have spent supporting him at his concert is easily more than 20, and I've never asked him to support me before.
What upsets me the most, and that I told him upsets me the most, is how much he's been complaining about doing this. I can understand that he doesn't want to go, it's not exciting for him, but I want him to do it without complaining. When he rants endlessly about what a horrible inconvenience it is, how boring it's going to be, how it's the last thing in the world he wants to do on a Saturday, it made me feel awful. I asked him to please stop complaining and ranting and raving. He said he had every right to complain because I'm asking a lot of him. Finally, I snapped at him to just not come, that I didn't want his support if he didn't truly want to give it. He said no, that he wasn't giving me "something to guilt-trip him about later" (I have NEVER guilt tripped him) and that he was definitely going.
He then ranted that I handled this event completely wrong. That I should have told him from the second I registered how much I was paying, where it was, exactly how much of his day I would be "wasting". I should have done this and given him a chance to say "no". Then he told me that if I wanted him to support me, I shouldn't have been selfish enough to do it during the weekend, when he only has two days off from school. I should have magically found a race that was closer to us, so he wouldn't have to drive as far, and that took place during one of his school breaks so "wasting" a day didn't matter as much. He told me that I was being selfish, asking him to do this so that I could run in a race.
I don't think I'm selfish...but am I? Am I selfish asking him to do this for me? Am I selfish for spending the 95 dollars on myself? Am I selfish asking him to give up one of his days off because I want someone to support me while I run?
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Replies
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Selfish? Maybe...but your self is important and it's normal to want support. I'm just imagining my boyfriend acting like this and honestly, I cannot even imagine it. What's the big deal? He can bring a chair or a friend/magazine/walk around town a little. He should be there and he should not complain.0
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arditarose wrote: »Selfish? Maybe...but your self is important and it's normal to want support. I'm just imagining my boyfriend acting like this and honestly, I cannot even imagine it. What's the big deal? He can bring a chair or a friend/magazine/walk around town a little. He should be there and he should not complain.
He did try asking his friends, and none of them were available. Unfortunately my friends couldn't make it to keep him company either. He's going to bring his 3ds and try to walk around a little, but he has a short attention span, and he's claiming that even so it's going to be more boring than watching paint dry. Asking him not to complain when he's unhappy? Yeah, I might as well ask him to stop breathing. I just want him to stop ranting and raving about it....
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I don't think you were being selfish. I've been the selfish partner before--my boyfriend has come to many of my events (for instance, he's planning to attend both performances of a bollywood dance I'm doing with friends). Last year, however, I dropped the ball and didn't attend a play he'd designed the whole set for, because I thought it would be boring. I definitely regretted that decision, so now we always try to support each other.
I understand that he may feel bored, but it's one day to support the woman he loves! Don't feel bad about this. He shouldn't have complained this much.0 -
sorry, but he sounds like the non-supportive selfish one...and how old is he...five?? all that whining would make me throat punch him. go on your trip alone...sounds like it would be MUCH more enjoyable. and your not even married?? good luck with that one.0
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"We've made up and agreed to put it behind us"
.....yet here you are.
Listen, if you're going to marry the guy you're going to have to resolve your conflicts in the best way you can then....get ready for this.....let it go. Nit picking and mulling over it after the facts does no one any good. Trust me, there will be much bigger conflicts to overcome than this, once you're married.0 -
I think it's not too late to change your mind about marrying this man. People do things for their partners because they know their support is of value. My boyfriend has done a fair number of things to support me that he didn't really want to do, including sitting through my daughters' elementary school piano recitals that lasted for hours. He did these things without ever complaining because he understood that it was part of the deal.0
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He sounds like a toddler chucking a tantrum for not getting what he wants, honestly.0
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I'm not in a relationship, so I'm not the best judge, but I know if I was, and they spent months preparing for something, and they wanted me to be there for them-- Yes, I would "waste" a day to be there even if I didn't really want to be there. Hell, heavens knows I've spent more than 6 hours waiting around in hospitals for sick family members, and I'd much rather spend 6 hours celebrating the culmination of your hard work than 6 hours wondering if you're going to die. That being said, I come from a history of terminally ill family members, I don't have a car, so I'm used to lots of "wasted" time and have come to accept it as a part of life.
And I don't mean to be judgemental, but it seems to me that the video games aren't doing a very good job of relaxing him. To me, relaxing should continue to effect you even after you are done the relaxing activity. I can feel calm for hours after coming home from a nice long walk along the nature trail. I'm no psychologist, but I think maybe there's some part of his life that maybe he feels he needs more support in too, which is why he resents your plea for support. Maybe the two of you should try to find some way to relax together. Good Luck!0 -
If my DH did that to me, I'd be telling him to just stay home and not bother. Then I'd go by myself and he would hate life for the next forever because I wouldn't be speaking to him. I'm a raging B that way though, and he's not dumb enough as to be so oblivious to my achievements.0
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I have to say it sounds like your fiance is more of a child than he is an adult. But whatever. If playing video games all weekend is his thing, whatever.
Anyway, is it selfish? Yes. But you get to be selfish sometimes. Everyone does. Not everything is all about you and not everything is all about him, either. If you want to blow $95 on a race then you go on with your bad self and do it.
But to be completely fair, did you tell him everything about it when you signed up for it, and made sure he was listening? Because a lot of guys have a bad habit of just half listening to us when we talk. When I tell my SO something, I make SURE he's listening and looking right at me, and I tell him, THIS IS IMPORTANT SO LISTEN UP.
Either way, if he doesn't want to support you, then just go on your own. Do it anyway. But keep that in mind, that when you wanted him to be there, he wouldn't because the video games were more important to him. Which is fine. Just so you know where you stand.
In all honestly, I would not require my SO to be there. I'm doing a 5k at the end of this month and he doesn't have to come if he doesn't want to. It's early and it will be cold so it's entirely up to him. But given that you asked him ahead of time, and he said he would, and now he's backing out and making YOU feel bad about doing it is a big red flag to me, and it should be to you too.
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It sounds like someone is definitely being selfish, but it's not you! There is give and take in every relationship, and that includes going to events you would really rather not be at to support your mate. It also means sucking it up and doing so without acting like a spoiled brat.
I think the bigger issue is that he doesn't seem to care that this is something that is important to you and he should be supportive of, and not that he doesn't want to go to a half marathon and "waste" most of his day. In fact, that he even looks at it in that manner says a lot about how supportive he would even be once he got there.0 -
SrMaggalicious wrote: »sorry, but he sounds like the non-supportive selfish one...and how old is he...five?? all that whining would make me throat punch him. go on your trip alone...sounds like it would be MUCH more enjoyable. and your not even married?? good luck with that one.
this!0 -
If you are runner and he is already pulling this crap, dump him now or give up running. Actually, it's a no brainer... dump him and find a guy who runs.0
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If you are telling the true and complete story, sounds like youre dating a loser. Dont try to change people just go find better ones, theres millions of guys out there. Even boyfriends I have dumped have been waaay more supportive than that. Sometimes even if you dont genuinley like someone you feel attached and couldnt imagine living without them just because it has become the norm the best thing is to as hard as it is, find someone better0
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LoneWolfRunner wrote: »If you are runner and he is already pulling this crap, dump him now or give up running. Actually, it's a no brainer... dump him and find a guy who runs.
I love this!0 -
Obviously without hearing both sides, I'd say you do what you have to do. Paying 95 bucks for a marathon is only slightly more than most video games nowadays so it's definitely selfish or controlling to tell you how to spend your money.
I'd go without him. Why risk losing your "running high" by seeing him at the finish line and his first comment being "Good let's go"0 -
I wouldn't want to go to Trenton either. Whenever I have to drive through there I make sure to keep my windows up .
But seriously it sounds like he's jelly of your progress. You owe it to yourself to get to the marathon and finish it. Could it be considered selfish? Possibly to some, but your significant other thinks it's a waste of time and if he needs video games to entertain himself while you are trying to reach another milestone I can't imagine selfishness being the least of your problems. 0 -
He should be there to support you. Also, he should not be spazzing out over the $95 either. It's not like you do this all of the time. He is being petulant.0
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I really don't want to make it seem like I'm bashing him too much here. He is a wonderful man 99% of the time. He's been supporting me financially since we moved in together over a year and a half ago, even though it's a hardship. He lets me buy pricier healthy groceries, even though he pays for them a lot, because he's encouraging me to be healthier. He's done a lot of sweet things for me over the years. He's just bad at doing time consuming, boring things that he doesn't want to do. He's even admitted its immature of him. This is one of the times where he's digging in his heels and won't admit he's wrong....which has me wondering if maybe he's not.0
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Find some other way to get to the event and leave his whinging butt at home.0
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1. Get a full time job so you can support yourself that way you wont feel like you owe anyone anything for paying your bills.
2. Drop his *kitten* like a bad habit. Actions speak louder than words he is showing you his true colors.
3. Take your new sexy/fit body and find a real man who wont wine like a little *kitten* when life requires more of him than work and video games.
4. I hope your not planing to have kids with this man because he will be lucky to get one free weekend a month. Wonder how your children will feel when he flips out on them for taking his video game time. Something to consider.0 -
My boyfriend volunteered to drive 6 hours each way and to pay for a hotel room and to find a babysitter for his son in order to accompany me to an art competition...did I mention he drove? Six hours...EACH WAY?
I can't imagine either of us behaving in the manner of your boyfriend. I cannot imagine there being a situation in which one of us is not only unsupportive, but also a hindrance to the others' success.
I'm sure there's two sides to the story, but he really does sound like a pr*ck. If he's that into video games, don't tell me he doesn't have a portable system like a 3DS or an iPad or something he can bring to entertain himself.0 -
I really don't want to make it seem like I'm bashing him too much here. He is a wonderful man 99% of the time. He's been supporting me financially since we moved in together over a year and a half ago, even though it's a hardship. He lets me buy pricier healthy groceries, even though he pays for them a lot, because he's encouraging me to be healthier. He's done a lot of sweet things for me over the years. He's just bad at doing time consuming, boring things that he doesn't want to do. He's even admitted its immature of him. This is one of the times where he's digging in his heels and won't admit he's wrong....which has me wondering if maybe he's not.
What answers did you expect?
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I'm going to guess that you guys are relatively recently out of college....because I can tell you...we don't have kids, but our "two weekend days" are spent doing all sorts of things (from housework to weekends away)....only once in a very blue moon do we spend an entire weekend just hanging around at home doing nothing (tho I feel you on the video games).
I race. I did 3 triathlons, 4 5ks, 2 50+ mile charity bike rides, 3 10ks, a 15k and a half marathon (the latter 4 distances being firsts for me). My husband only went to two of my triathlons - one of them, he was volunteering as motorcycle support (earning me "race bucks" toward next year's race) and only saw me in passing on the bike course...the other, he went to his buddy's house that is on the bike course to hand out water and saw me heading out and back, and then rode down and watched me head in to the finish. But he certainly didn't sit there on his butt and wait for me.
Him not being at the races is not unsupportive. He's been supportive throughout all of the training...which is MORE important, IMO. Although I did tell him that he's going to be there when I do my first Half Ironman in June. LOL
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I usually stay out of the relationship posts, but your fiance sounds like a spoiled brat. The fact that he considers supporting your in the culmination of several months of training a "waste of time" is quite telling IMHO. What else is he going to consider a "waste of time" in the future?0
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I personally wouldn't want someone there to "support" me if he had to be forced. I'd rather he be happy and home while I did my thing at the marathon.
I have to wonder why you would want him there if he objects? How much support can that be?0 -
Looking into the future, a man who complains about time-consuming boring activities will not sit in the hospital with your sick parents; he won't help the kids with their homework; he won't attend holiday gatherings of relatives he doesn't like and he won't do a lot of other things that are part of the fabric of a life-long relationship.0
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wow, I really see it differently. Though he went off the rails a little when it came to the part about your wasting money and so forth, the half-marathon is your love and your decision, and I could see where it wouldn't be much fun for him. Sure, I know significant others who are great about supporting their loved ones on these things, but though that's nice, I sure don't think of it as required. Just as when I got heavily into hiking, and then started leading hikes, it was so terrific that my husband helped out on them, and became my regular hiking partner. But I wouldn't have thought less of him for not being interested.
If it's your thing, go do your thing. But don't expect it to be his thing, too, even from the sidelines.0 -
I had a boyfriend that would drop id say averaged out $20 a day on me while he was on a $10.25/hr job yeah he was 18, hed do kind things all the time spend TONS of money on me and he was lovley 99% of the time there were just a few things that bugged me about him nothing serious at all no abuse or anything but i dumped him cus i thot hes pretty close to perfect but i think i can find a little closer. Dont settle for anything less than your dream guy0
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