Am I being selfish?

queenbear5

Don't marry him. DON'T. Your entire life will be a misery.

Gingersfit

I live about 10 minutes from where the half marathon is... let me know what time you think you'll finish and I'll come cheer you on. I'd do that for a stranger. The LEAST your boyfriend could do is come support you.

I see SO many complaints about boyfriends playing video games -- it's a way they escape having to "deal with" relationships and real issues -- he's the selfish one spending all his time on that and not being actively involved in a relationship. Don't discount yourself because he brings home the bacon -- you should be treated as an equal partner and NO, if money is tight he doesn't get to spend all he wants on video games while you feel guilty spending $95 on a marathon. That's the equivalent of 2-3 games which will do ABSOLUTELY nothing to improve his life.

Issues like this should be deal-breakers before marriage... don't let yourself get into a marriage with anything other than a loving, committed to you partner.

iplayoutside19

Calliope610 wrote: »

I usually stay out of the relationship posts, but your fiance sounds like a spoiled brat. The fact that he considers supporting your in the culmination of several months of training a "waste of time" is quite telling IMHO. What else is he going to consider a "waste of time" in the future?

I hate chiming in on these things too because there is always two sides to every story. However, Love isn't something you feel it's something you do. Especially if you plan on being attached to that person the rest of your life. I've been married 13 years and I can't count the number of ENTIRE WEEKENDS where I did something I really didn't want to do, but I did it anyway because it meant something to my wife. And my wife has done the same for me.

I think this goes deeper that just the marathon. If you're engaged there are no more "MY WEEKENDS" there are only "our weekends". You might want to get that ironed out before you walk down the isle.

deluxmary2000

Really? He needs an ENTIRE weekend to sit on his lazy butt and play video games? That could be the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. He sounds like an unsupportive whiner, IMO.
BUT, I will say that if he is paying the majority of the bills, you should have at least mentioned the cost of the half marathon and discussed it with him before signing up. There are much cheaper races out there.

Catron3476

I also question if you plan on having children with this man. I was in a marriage with a man who was very selfish. It was always, "I'll be happy when I have a different job, things will get better after we have a child, we won't fight if we live in a bigger house, If we didn't have financial problems we would be ok" etc. My ex husband was always complaining and never happy. I can't say he didn't ever support me, but he wasn't every truly happy with himself. Even when everything above happened, he still wasn't happy. It sounds like your fiancee isn't very social, would play video games all day and doesn't really care about you. Look at the red flags sister! I chose to ignore them, married the wrong guy and had a huge mess to clean up 7 years later. Marriage was the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life! Make sure this is truly what you want. If he can't take a Saturday to support you, imagine the problems you will have in the future. Open your eyes. It took me 2 years to get out of the abusive relationship I was in. 2 years and listening to a therapist tell me, "I can't help you anymore unless you can work up the strength to leave". Years of anti depressants to deal with all the issues. I'm not saying I'm totally innocent, I was difficult due to the relationship problems. Please think about all of this. On the other hand, I learned a lot in that 7 years. Valuable life lessons. I won't settle again!

astrose00

We've only heard one side of the story so it's hard to really comment on this. I'd go to the event alone and enjoy every minute of it. Why does he have to go? Clearly, he doesn't want to. It would be nice to have his support but it doesn't sound like he's that type of dude. So instead of stressing yourself out about it, just go and have a blast. This is a great feat and it's being overshadowed by spats between you and your fiance.

The bigger question, and most have touched on it, is that you seem to indicate that you are an unequal partner in this relationship. Or, at least, you FEEL like an unequal partner. That has nothing to do with a half marathon or anything else. IMO that should be the topic of discuss between the two of you, not a half marathon.

Now my 'big girl pants' advice: Stand on your own two feet. If you want to run, then run. Don't rely on other people to make you happy or lift you up. Don't justify someone treating you as a 2nd class citizen because you make less money or any other reason. And don't put yourself in that position because you make less money. My greatest feat in life is being comfortable doing things on my own. I rode in the 5 boro bike tour, I go to the movies, I go shoot photos, etc. Because I love to do those things. If I have company, fine. If not, that's okay, too. I personally don't think being engaged or married means you have to do everything together. Take the pressure off and leave it up to him to decide if and when he wants to go. No pressure and no guilt. And eventually, he probably will want to see you run. But even if he doesn't, you will be doing something you love for yourself. No better self esteem boost.

Catron3476

Gingersfit wrote: »

I live about 10 minutes from where the half marathon is... let me know what time you think you'll finish and I'll come cheer you on. I'd do that for a stranger. The LEAST your boyfriend could do is come support you.

I see SO many complaints about boyfriends playing video games -- it's a way they escape having to "deal with" relationships and real issues -- he's the selfish one spending all his time on that and not being actively involved in a relationship. Don't discount yourself because he brings home the bacon -- you should be treated as an equal partner and NO, if money is tight he doesn't get to spend all he wants on video games while you feel guilty spending $95 on a marathon. That's the equivalent of 2-3 games which will do ABSOLUTELY nothing to improve his life.

Issues like this should be deal-breakers before marriage... don't let yourself get into a marriage with anything other than a loving, committed to you partner.

Awesome!! I give you props for supporting her! If I lived closer, I would too!!

ironsun

Go by yourself. It would be a major letdown to finish a race, have that huge sense of accomplishment, and then have someone complaining all the way home.

I am a marathon runner, and my husband has never once come to a race. That's ok. We each have our own hobbies. I don't like going to his band performances, movies, etc. either. We have things we do separately, and things we do together.

The money issue concerns me a little more. When you both cool down, talk about how much money can be budgeted for each person's hobbies. You need to have as much voice in those matters as he does, even if you don't make as much. And if money is that tight that you don't have $95 to spend, get another part-time job to help out the household.

yoovie

tabarilla

Reading this post makes me really sad. It reminds me of exactly how my soon-to-be ex-husband would react when I asked him to do pretty much anything other than a short trip to the store or playing video games when he got home from work, or on the weekends.

Honestly, I think you need to have a serious talk with him, and maybe even go to counseling, if this is a person you are going to marry at some point. This type of resentment is not normal in a loving relationship, and the badgering and belittling that he is doing seems to walk the fine line of ranting and psychological abuse. His actions now could end up being something way worse in the future. Granted, I am not a psychiatrist, but I have seen it with my own eyes before. And if it does escalate, it could become a dangerous situation.

I don't know you or your guy. I am not trying to be an alarmist. But, your post is throwing up all kinds of red flags, and I wish someone would have pointed them out to me ahead of time. A man who loves you should show you support, should take time out of his day for you, and should not be resentful and belittle something you have been working hard to accomplish. Do not let it go. Letting these "smaller" things go without resolving them can lead to larger resentments and fights in the future.

carolineat111

I think you need to really question whether or not he's going to support you in a marriage. It's not about the event, or the time, or what he's doing - a marriage is hopeless without some mutual respect and compromise and honestly, he doesn't seem to be giving you either. JMO.

tabarilla

LiveLaughLoveEat1 wrote: »

you all do realize this is JUST ONE SIDE OF THE STORY? Someone previously said, there are 3 sides to a story, her side, his side and THE TRUTH. How do any of you know she's telling the truth - oh, right, YOU DON'T!

Um...she asked for opinions. We are giving them to her. I'm not sure how your comment adds to the conversation, or why you even think it is an appropriate comment to make. He is not here. We can't ask his side. Does that mean that she is not able to seek advice?

Gamer_2k4

I can't believe I'm the only voice of reason here.

Try to see it from your fiance's perspective. First, you signed up for an event and didn't tell him the cost, so he probably presumed it was a negligible expense (unless, of course, you have a history of doing expensive things behind his back, which it sounds like you don't). Second, he agreed to go in August - before the school year started and before he had to travel like crazy and work like crazy every single day.

I'm an introvert who's spent the last year busy all of the time - wedding planning will do that to you. When you're used to having some alone time to recharge, it becomes very stressful when that's denied, and I definitely see where he's coming from. Taking six hours out of his day off just to spend five minutes with you at the start and end of the race does, to me, seem like a big waste of time, and you are selfish for expecting it from him.

Believe it or not, there's more to a relationship than "he's not present for every single thing I'm interested in, so he doesn't love me." You said he pays for your health food? Sounds like that's how he shows his love and support - through "gifts," if you will; not necessarily through quality time. And, as you said, he makes the money, so he gets a pretty big say in how it should be spent.

You're not wrong in wanting the support, but you're definitely wrong in forcing it on him. If he is, as you say, "a wonderful man 99% of the time," then give him this one. He deserves it. Besides, at the end of the day, there's more to a relationship than "he's not perfect, so dump him." If there wasn't, I guarantee all of these "helpers" here (myself included) would have been dumped long ago.

margieward82

I don't get it though.. If he doesn't want to come, why do you want him to come? I find it CRAZY boring to sit around waiting on someone to do a race. A 1/2 is a long time and I wouldn't want to get stuck sitting there. It's not like there is anything to do. You have to get there at the butt-crack of dawn and then there is nothing to do for the next 5 hours while you wait. Yeah, if it's a nice day he can read or play a game, but still. If he doesn't want to be there, he's just going to bring negativity to you.
I only sign up for stuff with friends who are also doing it because I don't want to have to go and wait forever all alone, nor would I expect my husband to. Yes, I always invite him to my runs, but if he has something better to do with his time (even just relaxingin!) and wants to, I don't care. Running is my thing and not his. He wouldn't expect you to sit and watch him play video games for 3 hours after standing around waiting for 2 hours,would he?!?

... and yes I know, I am not in the majority here! But sounds like your issues are not that he doesn't want to go sit and wait for you to run. Might want to see what the real issue is

astrose00

Gamer_2k4 wrote: »

I can't believe I'm the only voice of reason here.

Try to see it from your fiance's perspective. First, you signed up for an event and didn't tell him the cost, so he probably presumed it was a negligible expense (unless, of course, you have a history of doing expensive things behind his back, which it sounds like you don't). Second, he agreed to go in August - before the school year started and before he had to travel like crazy and work like crazy every single day.

I'm an introvert who's spent the last year busy all of the time - wedding planning will do that to you. When you're used to having some alone time to recharge, it becomes very stressful when that's denied, and I definitely see where he's coming from. Taking six hours out of his day off just to spend five minutes with you at the start and end of the race does, to me, seem like a big waste of time, and you are selfish for expecting it from him.

Believe it or not, there's more to a relationship than "he's not present for every single thing I'm interested in, so he doesn't love me." You said he pays for your health food? Sounds like that's how he shows his love and support - through "gifts," if you will; not necessarily through quality time. And, as you said, he makes the money, so he gets a pretty big say in how it should be spent.

You're not wrong in wanting the support, but you're definitely wrong in forcing it on him. If he is, as you say, "a wonderful man 99% of the time," then give him this one. He deserves it. Besides, at the end of the day, there's more to a relationship than "he's not perfect, so dump him." If there wasn't, I guarantee all of these "helpers" here (myself included) would have been dumped long ago.

I think a number of people (myself included) have given her similar advice.

daydreams_of_pretty

Gamer_2k4 wrote: »

I can't believe I'm the only voice of reason here.

Try to see it from your fiance's perspective. First, you signed up for an event and didn't tell him the cost, so he probably presumed it was a negligible expense (unless, of course, you have a history of doing expensive things behind his back, which it sounds like you don't). Second, he agreed to go in August - before the school year started and before he had to travel like crazy and work like crazy every single day.

I'm an introvert who's spent the last year busy all of the time - wedding planning will do that to you. When you're used to having some alone time to recharge, it becomes very stressful when that's denied, and I definitely see where he's coming from. Taking six hours out of his day off just to spend five minutes with you at the start and end of the race does, to me, seem like a big waste of time, and you are selfish for expecting it from him.

Believe it or not, there's more to a relationship than "he's not present for every single thing I'm interested in, so he doesn't love me." You said he pays for your health food? Sounds like that's how he shows his love and support - through "gifts," if you will; not necessarily through quality time. And, as you said, he makes the money, so he gets a pretty big say in how it should be spent.

You're not wrong in wanting the support, but you're definitely wrong in forcing it on him. If he is, as you say, "a wonderful man 99% of the time," then give him this one. He deserves it. Besides, at the end of the day, there's more to a relationship than "he's not perfect, so dump him." If there wasn't, I guarantee all of these "helpers" here (myself included) would have been dumped long ago.

This is what I was thinking as well. He probably forgot that the race was this weekend and had been anticipating his time to recover from the week, so when you reminded him of the race he went into turbo stress mode and reacted like this. He did initially agree to go, and you say that he's awesome 99% of the time, which means that he does support you. I'd talk to him about your plans for the weekend and see how he feels closer to the day of the race. He may come around.

astrose00

margieward82 wrote: »

I don't get it though.. If he doesn't want to come, why do you want him to come? I find it CRAZY boring to sit around waiting on someone to do a race. A 1/2 is a long time and I wouldn't want to get stuck sitting there. It's not like there is anything to do. You have to get there at the butt-crack of dawn and then there is nothing to do for the next 5 hours while you wait. Yeah, if it's a nice day he can read or play a game, but still. If he doesn't want to be there, he's just going to bring negativity to you.
I only sign up for stuff with friends who are also doing it because I don't want to have to go and wait forever all alone, nor would I expect my husband to. Yes, I always invite him to my runs, but if he has something better to do with his time (even just relaxingin!) and wants to, I don't care. Running is my thing and not his. He wouldn't expect you to sit and watch him play video games for 3 hours after standing around waiting for 2 hours,would he?!?

... and yes I know, I am not in the majority here! But sounds like your issues are not that he doesn't want to go sit and wait for you to run. Might want to see what the real issue is

I cosign this!!!

leggup

It sounds like there were multiple different subjects brought up as part of the fight.

1. Money: Spending on the initial race ($95) and spending on the gas to the event.
2. Emotional Support: His attendance at your events.
3. Complaining: His complaining.
4. Promises: In August, he said he wanted to come out and support you.

1. First and foremost, you need to come up with a better plan for how to handle finances. Whether or not you are bringing in any money, you need an airtight plan with him. The way my husband and I handle personal spending is that we let each other know if we are making any purchases over $50. It's not about asking permission, it's about saying that we want to do/get X. It gives the other person a chance to say, "Can it wait?" or "How about this cheaper X?" or "I love it! Buy two!" You need to figure out a budget for your spending that you can track. For example, you could allocate $100/month for "Fun." This could include restaurants, race registration, gas to far away races, etc. You have to both agree about your spending. It doesn't sound like you discussed the initial purchase with him, or the costs of getting to the race. If times were tight, I wouldn't be buying race registration. If times were tight, my husband wouldn't buy video games either. It sounds like you're saying, "I deserve to buy the race since he is buying games." That tells me you have no idea what your monthly budget is, how much he is spending, or how much he thinks you should be spending.
2. Do you really need him there? It sounds like it's really inconvenient. If you really want him there, tell him that you would really appreciate his support, but that he doesn't have to go. Tell him about how much his support means to you, how great it will feel to kiss him at the finish line. Tell him about how good he can make you feel.
3. Complaining. You need to talk about how you two communicate things that you do not like. Going on and on about things isn't helpful. Let him know that you understand where he's coming from, that he is entitled to his opinion, and that you're happy to do something for him X weekend to make up for the sacrifice he's making this weekend.
4. Promises: Let him know that he said he would go back in August, and politely tell him how he needs to be more careful next time about what he agrees to, etc.

Find some cool things for him to do in the city, even if it means a nice café with a type of food that he likes so he can sit down and play on his handheld for a few hours. Let him know how much it means to you to have him there, but that you don't want him there if he's being sour about it. Tell him how you feel and frame it with "I feel..." statements. Do not say, "You're being a brat!" Say, "I feel hurt when you complain about the race. It makes me feel like video games are more important than my hard work. I want you there, but I am not going to make you go if you do not want to."

yuiconnor

PrizePopple wrote: »

If my DH did that to me, I'd be telling him to just stay home and not bother. Then I'd go by myself and he would hate life for the next forever because I wouldn't be speaking to him. I'm a raging B that way though, and he's not dumb enough as to be so oblivious to my achievements.

Same!!