Am I being selfish?

JoRocka

stackhsc wrote: »

I have learned, non runners generally don't get runners. They don't understand our motivations, our drive, our need to run..

I'd edit that to say

"Non athletes generally don't get athletes, they don't understand our motivations,k our drive and our need to be harder stronger and faster.... "

but on point.

LoneWolfRunner

The only lessons to take from this: 1. Runners, do NOT get into relationships with non-runners unless you want to eventually give up running. They will whine and grind you down. 2. If you are not married, do NOT get married, whether you are a runner or not. 3. If you are already married (or in a relationship) and then became a runner.... uh.... good luck with that.

simplydelish2

Sounds like both of you need to grow up a bit. Sounds like you two are not really a match.

Circa1964

I would seriously reconsider if this is the person that you want to spend forever with; not so much because of the half marathon but the fact that he wants to do nothing but relax all weekend. This makes me wonder if he is helpful around the house, how would he be with children if you have any (or would it all be your job) and things like that. I would strongly suggest that you get a full-time job to add to the household budget and your independence. My husband is a bicyclist who participates in many organized races/rides. This is HIS thing. He doesn't expect me to be there, and I wouldn't want to be in a long car ride and do nothing while I wait around on him. I also want time to do MY own thing. I think couples should have their own interests and free time as well as things you enjoy doing together. This is YOUR thing. Go do it, and enjoy it!

MyaPapaya75

Doesn't seem like a "relationship" to me if he is complaining about 95 dollars and you opted out of telling him about it. Sorry seems like roomies shacking up and hoping it works out. I would go without him or take someone who would "want" to go and be supportive enjoy yourself and then come back and think about this whole "relationship" thing and where its really going.

lbelle987

LoneWolfRunner wrote: »

The only lessons to take from this: 1. Runners, do NOT get into relationships with non-runners unless you want to eventually give up running. They will whine and grind you down. 2. If you are not married, do NOT get married, whether you are a runner or not. 3. If you are already married (or in a relationship) and then became a runner.... uh.... good luck with that.

Ha! #3 is on point.

OP, I do not think you're being selfish at all. I'm sorry your fiancé is whining about going to the race, and how much you spent to run it. You set a goal for yourself and you trained hard to be able to do it. That's exciting and impressive, and I think your fiancé should be there to witness it (especially if he's been supportive this whole time...I would think he'd want to see you finish). Good luck in the race!! I hope he goes because he realizes how important it is to you, and not because he's afraid you'll never let him live it down.

AB1418

A band teachers job is stressful...I don't know why, but that made me laugh. I hope he is young because he is obviously immature. Move on, it won't get any better.

terar21

I understand wanting your "me time" during the weekend when you work all week but adults have to get over that. It's time to grow up. If he's whining about losing 6 hours on his weekend (the weekend is 24 hours...come on...you can't give up 6 hours ONCE?), it's gonna be a rough road ahead. You're not asking him to give up half a day every single weekend to do nothing. This is a simple request and it shouldn't be that big of a deal. Whining about this tells me that he's going to complain about so much more in the future and be very bratty.

If anyone is being selfish, it's him. You're doing something for your health (which he apparently does encourage), setting goals, pushing yourself to succeed, etc. You're doing the RIGHT things. Things that should be supported by your significant other. Heck, my recent exercise dedication has literally taken hours out of my week that I used to spend with him. Yes, I'm sure it annoys him. If I tell him I need to push back something we were doing a couple of hours because I need to work out, he may make a sad face but understands. But he's proud of me for being so dedicated and working hard. That's what you're fiance should be doing. It may not be 100% awesome for him but it is great for your health and happiness and that should make him support you 100% without such drama.

I just don't understand how 6 hours once out of the fall could create such a dramatic, whiny reaction from a grown man. This sounds like the complaining I did as a child when my parents made me go watch my little brother's little league baseball game . "Why do I have to go watch kids play baseball 3 hours away? It's boring? I have no one to hang out with? What will I do? What if I get hungry? Can't I just stay at home. I'll be responsible."

missdibs1

If he resents going leave him behind. Literally for starters. Figuratively if necessary. In general I pick and choose my battles. This argument obviously is distracting yu from enjoyment of your achievement. At this point you will enjoy more solo. Long term realize that if this really bothers you and yu want someone who will be there at the finish line. This person isn't him. Aka find resolution (reflect) prior to marriage. People don't change. Unless they want to

mcbrainder

The next time he's excited about a high score in his video game, tell him that's boring.

KnM0107

I would not expect my husband to go to an event where he would be sitting by himself for hours. That sounds horrible and unfair IMO. I don't know what definition people are using for "support", but my husband doesn't have to follow me around like a puppy for me to consider him supportive. MFP is a horrible place to ask for relationship advice, but it is easy to see why the divorce rate is so high...

AskTracyAnnK28

OP - reading your post makes me glad I'm single. There's no way in hell I'd let a man tell me what I can and can't do with my money.

Tell him to stay home if he's going to be a big baby about it. Then when the race is done create an match.com account and replace him

(just kidding about that...kind of)

tracie_minus100

I don't think his "precious weekend" excuse is a good one. It's not like it is going to take up his entire weekend - he will still have over half of it to relax. And supporting you in something important to you should be worth losing 6 or so hours of relaxing time.
If he had just expressed to you that he wasn't overly interested, I would cut him some slack. But since he is being completely immature and selfish about it, and throwing the money issue in your face, no slack for him.

JoRocka

Fortunately there are people out there who aren't like that- possessive and nit picky and selfish.

So don't give up hope. My BF and I make it work pretty well and I'm fairly "needy" in terms of wanting alone time- or upholding my schedule he's pretty supportive- and we are okay saying you have a thing- and I have a thing- this is the best use of our collective time or this is a waste of time or not... or if that's what you want- then do it and I'll help pay and support you if need be.

That's the way it should be- and no one is ever perfect- but there are ways to make it work and be okay. I'm grateful at this point I'm not single any more- I don't know if I could take dating in this world at this point- *kitten*'s crazy!!!

JeriAnne84

It is one friggen day. He can suck it up.

mahanaibu

KombuchaCat wrote: »

mahanaibu wrote: »

wow, I really see it differently. Though he went off the rails a little when it came to the part about your wasting money and so forth, the half-marathon is your love and your decision, and I could see where it wouldn't be much fun for him. Sure, I know significant others who are great about supporting their loved ones on these things, but though that's nice, I sure don't think of it as required. Just as when I got heavily into hiking, and then started leading hikes, it was so terrific that my husband helped out on them, and became my regular hiking partner. But I wouldn't have thought less of him for not being interested.

If it's your thing, go do your thing. But don't expect it to be his thing, too, even from the sidelines.

But he already agreed to go. If he didn't want to go he should not have agreed to it. I can't believe that someone who lives in this county could be that naive about what going to a marathon entails...

Yes, he shouldn't have agreed and then moaned. I don't see that as a big deal. He was obviously not asked if he'd like to, but rather pressed to do it, as the OP indicates. I just don't see it as this big thing. It's HER big thing, and I applaud her. And I would go if my husband were doing this, and I think he would go if the situation were reversed. But I just wouldn't have my knickers in a stitch if he didn't.

There are real and serious issues that confront couples, and I don't see this as one of them or reason to consider breaking up or to conclude that they have moved in different directions so they won't have much in common anymore. After years of bugging my husband to eat better and get more exercise, to no avail, he finally agreed to join a nutritionist-led program with me where we learned to eat right. He transformed his eating habits at age 57, lost almost 50 pounds, kept it all off and goes for regular walks.

Love and a successful long-term relationship depend on far more important things than this.

tracie_minus100

The base issue - whether he goes to the race with her or not - is not the real issue here I don't think. I don't necessarily blame him for not wanting to go, even though I do think supporting his partner is important.
In my opinion, it's the way he handled it that is the issue.

redheadrules

Hi mahanaibu,
This is redheadrules formerly redhearted. I missed you. Can we be friends again with my new nom de plume. I can't figure out how to befriend you through my new account. Maybe you can. Yikes!!

katherine_startrek_fan

Homestly, I'd tell my husband before signing up and getting his agreement on it, in part because we share a car and in part because it's an expensive race. However, he'd be pretty much likely to agree unless we had something else going on, or we would compromise by trying to find a closer or less expensive race.

Personally, I would have no problem with my husband not wanting to attend a race of that distance because it would take a long time. However, my husband would never miss a race. In fact, the coordinator of the last race I attended came over to me after the race and let me know that my husband was one of less than ten spectators to actually wait outside for the entire length of the race.

You need to find a way to work through this with your guy now. If you can't get the support you need now, you won't get it when you're married.

EddieHaskell97

<standard MFP reply > You should leave your fiancee.</standard MFP reply >

jennifer_417

So wait...because HIS job is stressful, he expects you to absolutely nothing every single weekend except sit and watch him play video games? Wow.

VeryKatie

I suppose if it were me... I would have only briefly mentioned it to him in the first place. If I were asking my fiancé about the race it would have gone something like this:

"Hey babe, I signed up for a half marathon on [insert winter date] at [insert place 1 hr away]. I'd love if you would come watch me (or better yet, run with me), it would make it more fun for me! But I understand that since it will be flipping cold out and take [insert approximate time] if you'd rather pass. What do you think? Or you could let me know a few days before if you want. You could bring a friend or go to a movie while I'm running or something."

And he would say "I'll think about it" or "I will consider it but I likely won't want to come since it's a weekend and it's cold out, but I'll let you know".

And then we would have revisited it the week of the race and it never would have been an issue. So my recommendation is to approach future situations differently - put yourself in his shoes before asking for support and consider why he might decide to join/not join you - what would you feel like doing in the situation? Personally, winter sucks and I wouldn't want to stand outside for 3 hours while NOT watching my fiancé run only to be there for the post run snack. So I would expect him to NOT want to go either and I certainly wouldn't consider it as "not supporting me" if he decided not to go.

In fact that's almost exactly how it went the other way around when my fiancé was doing the half and it was early and raining - he suggested I not worry about it when I offered to come since I wouldn't get to watch him anyway. Of course when I did a 5 k I think I complained a bit too much so he ended up running with me (which was amazing, but I probably should have stopped pushing sooner than I did in hindsight). Live and learn - and you have this chance now!

So I suspect it's an issue on both sides - perhaps you are being too demanding and he is being too stubborn and both of you let your emotions get the best of you.

The video games/money/weekend treasure/complaining/stress are different issues entirely that you need to sort out independently of this particular event.