Am I being selfish?

homemadehippy

Wow. I don't think YOU are being the selfish one. Our significant others usually put their best face forward PRIOR to the marriage. That means his behavior is likely to get worse, not better. Is this the future you want for yourself? Speaking as someone who has been in this situation (I'm not judging, honestly, I've been there!), I would seriously think about his behavior before turning him from a fiance into a husband.

TheBigFb

Well you agreed to put it behind you, so that really takes away the right/wrong aspect.

FitFitzy331

SherryTeach wrote: »

I think it's not too late to change your mind about marrying this man. People do things for their partners because they know their support is of value. My boyfriend has done a fair number of things to support me that he didn't really want to do, including sitting through my daughters' elementary school piano recitals that lasted for hours. He did these things without ever complaining because he understood that it was part of the deal.

I agree with this. I wouldn't be able to tolerate someone who was not supportive of me. My boyfriend has recently been working 6 days a week, he's always stressed and wants to just come home and play video games to relax. But anytime I've needed to talk to him, show him something, him to go some place with me, he did it. He'd usually want to do something for him as well, like if we went out of town for any particular reason he'd want to stop at a fast food place for a snack or grab some beer for when we arrive, but either way he makes time for me and supports me when I need him. I'd be nervous about your fiance's current behavior in the future. Wouldn't it be so inconvenient for him if you gave birth to his child on one of his weekend days? or what if it was a work day and he had to leave early to meet you at the hospital? These are things you should really consider given that he's giving you such a hard time about spending some money on yourself every once in a great while and that he won't even just support you on a day you've worked towards for months.

KombuchaCat

Your fiance is being a real jerk and quite frankly this is the sort of argument that would make me second guess the whole relationship if I were you. First off, he's complaining about only getting 2 days off for the weekend? Welcome to the real world, buddy! Plenty of people these days work multiple jobs and get no weekends to make ends meet. How about bringing a book/laptop/tablet and enjoying the time outside? Maybe meet some new people? He doesn't have to just sit there and stare a the runners going by the whole time. It's not like you are asking him to give up every weekend to do this. Tell him to put on his big boy pants, suck it up and go be a decent human being!

Silentfool

wow I am ashamed to be a male if that is the way he is behaving. He should be encouraging you to do this and then he should be eager and happy to take you to the race. I play video games ( maybe a bit more than I should) but I would never put them before my other half.

Thnk very carefully about your future. Your future should be spent with somebody who enchances your life not cause misery

Good Luck with the run.

HollyMGT

SrMaggalicious wrote: »

sorry, but he sounds like the non-supportive selfish one...and how old is he...five?? all that whining would make me throat punch him. go on your trip alone...sounds like it would be MUCH more enjoyable. and your not even married?? good luck with that one.

I second this. One day of his life doing something "boring" isn't going to kill him. He needs to get over himself and support and encourage you.

LookAWalrus

What's he going to do when you have an infant, both of you are up every 2-3 hours at night, weekends don't exist anymore and he has to work? He needs to figure it out and you need couples therapy before you get married.

KombuchaCat

mahanaibu wrote: »

wow, I really see it differently. Though he went off the rails a little when it came to the part about your wasting money and so forth, the half-marathon is your love and your decision, and I could see where it wouldn't be much fun for him. Sure, I know significant others who are great about supporting their loved ones on these things, but though that's nice, I sure don't think of it as required. Just as when I got heavily into hiking, and then started leading hikes, it was so terrific that my husband helped out on them, and became my regular hiking partner. But I wouldn't have thought less of him for not being interested.

If it's your thing, go do your thing. But don't expect it to be his thing, too, even from the sidelines.

But he already agreed to go. If he didn't want to go he should not have agreed to it. I can't believe that someone who lives in this county could be that naive about what going to a marathon entails...

1Cor1510

I would postpone the wedding. Seriously he sounds like he's 2 years old in this deal throwing a tantrum. I would not want to spend the rest of my life with a guy who hates his job and spends the majority of his time playing video games...Just my 2 cents.

donnymom

Boccellin wrote: »

So my fiance and I had a big fight today. We've made up and agreed to put it behind us, but neither one of us has admitted we were wrong, and I was hoping for opinions.

I have been getting into running, doing it steadily for over a year now. Back in very early August, I signed up for a half marathon in Trenton New Jersey. It gave me exactly twelve weeks to complete the Hal Higdon training program I chose. When I signed up for it, I did mention it to my fiance, I told him it would be in November, and I told him it would be in Trenton, New Jersey, which is about an hour drive away from us. He knew I wanted him to come out and support me, and at the time, he did not make an argument.

However, now that the half marathon is this Saturday, he's been steadily bitching more and more about it, culminating in our fight this afternoon. He is a band teacher, and during the school week, he travels to three different schools. The job stresses him out. When he comes home after school, he wants to relax and play video games. During the weekend, though we sometimes go out to dinner or for a brief shopping trip, the vast majority of Saturday and Sunday he wants to spend in our apartment relaxing.

His biggest complaint, the one that truly triggered our fight, is that he's "wasting" one of his two weekend days. He says we're going to have to spend a grand total of three hours driving, and around 3 hours at the half marathon itself, which "wastes" a minimum of 6 hours of his Saturday that he could be spending relaxing. His next complaint is that he's going to be alone for those three hours while I'm running, and he's going to be bored. That makes his Saturday not only wasted, but boring. Then, he complained about the gas money we're going to have to spend to get there, at least 20 dollars worth, and money is kind of tight (yet, he always has money for video games....). Then, when I brought up how much I spent to register for the half marathon in the first place, he completely blew up and flipped out at me for "throwing away" 95 dollars. Granted, this 95 dollars was MY money, but he's been paying the vast, vast majority of our bills because I've only been able to get part-time work lately. He claims that the 95 dollars could have been put to much better use. I didn't bring up how much he spends on video games, because he does pay the majority of the bills, and he should be able to splurge a bit.

I told him that I haven't bought myself anything worth more than 5 dollars in a year and a half, no clothes, no books, no entertainment, nothing. Yes, the 95 dollars could have been better spent, but if it was the only thing I was splurging on in a year and a half, I didn't think it was that unreasonable. I told him that I've been training for this event for 3 solid months, and I didn't think he should count his Saturday as "wasted" because he was coming out to support me. I told him that yes, he'd be alone for 2-3 hours, but I'd gone to concerts for him at his schools to support him. The total numbers I have spent supporting him at his concert is easily more than 20, and I've never asked him to support me before.

What upsets me the most, and that I told him upsets me the most, is how much he's been complaining about doing this. I can understand that he doesn't want to go, it's not exciting for him, but I want him to do it without complaining. When he rants endlessly about what a horrible inconvenience it is, how boring it's going to be, how it's the last thing in the world he wants to do on a Saturday, it made me feel awful. I asked him to please stop complaining and ranting and raving. He said he had every right to complain because I'm asking a lot of him. Finally, I snapped at him to just not come, that I didn't want his support if he didn't truly want to give it. He said no, that he wasn't giving me "something to guilt-trip him about later" (I have NEVER guilt tripped him) and that he was definitely going.

He then ranted that I handled this event completely wrong. That I should have told him from the second I registered how much I was paying, where it was, exactly how much of his day I would be "wasting". I should have done this and given him a chance to say "no". Then he told me that if I wanted him to support me, I shouldn't have been selfish enough to do it during the weekend, when he only has two days off from school. I should have magically found a race that was closer to us, so he wouldn't have to drive as far, and that took place during one of his school breaks so "wasting" a day didn't matter as much. He told me that I was being selfish, asking him to do this so that I could run in a race.

I don't think I'm selfish...but am I? Am I selfish asking him to do this for me? Am I selfish for spending the 95 dollars on myself? Am I selfish asking him to give up one of his days off because I want someone to support me while I run?

lisaabenjamin

I actually think you're both being kinda lame. He sounds like an *kitten* for not wanting to spend ONE day out of his life supporting you instead of playing video games (what is he, like a teenage boy?!), but also you're coming across to me as a needy, whiney girlfriend.

Don't get me wrong, I think he should want to come and support you, but it sounds like he really doesn't want to go. And if he really doesn't want to go, you shouldn't try to force him or guilt trip him into going.

Also: don't get married.

pinkledoodledoo

If you remain in this relationship, which sounds a lot like mine, I have some advice: Do what you want to do for yourself and consider it a bonus when your guy is willing to participate in some way. My husband is very much like yours and we have learned through the years exactly what we *need* from each other vs. what we *want* from each other. He wants me to go fishing with him every weekend but he's not upset anymore when I occasionally opt out to do my own thing. And vice versa, I don't get upset when he doesn't feel like going shopping with me. In order to remain interesting to each other, sometimes it's a good thing to not do everything together. Then you have more to talk about at the end of the day. In this case? I think you both just need to let it go (for real) and have a conversation later about what is an acceptable amount of money for each of you to spend without needing a discussion first.

dolliesdaughter

Have you own.

I would be pissed if money was tight and you spent $95 on a race. Maybe unpopular, but that is how I feel.

donnymom

No, you are not the selfish one, he is. You gave him well in advance notice. He's not being supportive of you. Leave him home and take a good friend or sister and have a great time. And then seriously, think if you want to spend your life with him. It may be hard in the beginning, but you'll thank yourself when you find someone who has your back!

Catron3476

LiveLaughLoveEat1 wrote: »

jnv7594 wrote: »

The only thing I got from this post is a greater appreciation of being single.

you and me both girl...lol. I live with my 19 year old daughter and our cat.

Totally agree! I'm so happy to be single after reading that. It brought back terrible memories of a lazy, controlling ex-husband.

blobby10

I've been married 20 years. We are going through a sticky patch (very) right now but 20 years ago, my then boyfriend would have thought nothing of supporting me at a race, just like I would have supported him. Obviously every relationship is different but if it were me (thats the me now btw!) I would go on my own - you won't notice him there anyway except at the end when you need help getting back to the car!!!.

I know this is not part of the question but you seriously need to consider whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who considers supporting his chosen life partner to be a chore, a 'waste of his time', 'boring'. Believe me, he wont change. x

ps Good luck in the race!

chantalebelle

this is insane. i can't believe he would think supporting you is "wasting" his time. If this was my boyfriend i would say it means more to me for you not to come now than it ever did for you to be there. you deserve much better for trying to better yourself than a whiny, complaining, selfish *kitten*. i'm sorry but this is totally unacceptable behaviour from a significant other.

johnnylakis

Neither of you is being selfish. You should each do what you need to do.

johnnylakis

PenelopeJoye wrote: »

I had a boyfriend that would drop id say averaged out $20 a day on me while he was on a $10.25/hr job yeah he was 18, hed do kind things all the time spend TONS of money on me and he was lovley 99% of the time there were just a few things that bugged me about him nothing serious at all no abuse or anything but i dumped him cus i thot hes pretty close to perfect but i think i can find a little closer. Dont settle for anything less than your dream guy

You deserve whatever piece of garbage you end up with.

Shereewhitney88

God some people on here are *kitten*. OP my husband, is like this. He works 6 days a week and works 2 different jobs to support me and our 2 kids. He also plays video games, World of Warcraft, League of Legends, Magic online (I married a nerd, I love it) etc on his off days he spends them at home, playing his games and spending time with me and our kids. If your fiance doesn't want to go to your marathon, don't make him. It sounds like he is supporting you in a lot of ways (and i'm not just talking about money) and he seems to want you to be healthy and happy. My husband went to a 5k with me last April he ran it with me and he loved it, but if I asked him to go to a marathon in the cold to sit and do nothing he wouldn't do it. Marriage is give and take, you will NEVER get 100% of what you need from someone else, no matter how many people are going to argue and say they're relationship is that 1 special one. The unicorn of all relationships, I call *kitten*. No relationship is perfect. Enjoy your marathon and let him enjoy his weekend!