Am I being selfish?

catb58

I really don't get this. While it's nice for each of you to have your own interests, it's also not unreasonable to expect a show of support when you are participating in an event. It would be different if you were in a 5k every weekend, but this doesn't sound like the case. And you've been there to show support for HIS interests.

I can understand him having some stress...but if he's SO stressed out at what I assume is an age fairly close to your 25 yrs, he's never going to be able to handle the things life throws at you as time goes on. It doesn't get easier as we get older. Instead, we add to our stress with kids, mortgages, etc. The relationship you've described sounds almost like casual daters, with the exception of living in the same home. He sounds pretty immature/lazy/selfish. These are attributes that don't tend to change much over the years.

I was in a Color Me Rad 5k with a woman friend a couple years ago. We stayed in a hotel in the city the event was being held in. A good friend of mine surprised me and drove over 3 hours to spend a few minutes before the 5k with me, take some pictures, cheer me across the finish line and spend a bit more time with me before packing up his camera and heading back to his house. He wanted to show support for me in my first 5k (and I was walking...hadn't started jogging yet). He wasn't even my fiancé or boyfriend.

As another poster said "It's not too late to change your mind about marrying this man."

kdeaux1959

Yes, Band Directing can be stressful. My wife and I both teach band. Still, it sounds like there is a lot going on here.

1. Based upon the information that you have given us, it appears that you are not wrong to go. You should. Also, $95 is really not a lot of money to spend on something that you enjoy. A good video game will easily cost up to $50-$60.

2. I'm sure he is stressed and tired. It sort of sounds like he may have developed an addiction to the video games... Short attention span, the aversion to spending time away from them... Again, teaching at 3 schools can be tough and there is usually quite a bit of extra time involved in teaching that subject, this time of the year; however, maybe he needs to think about spending some of that time de-stressing by increasing his exercise.

3. (changed after reading your clarification earlier)....
You seem to be generally compatible. Perhaps this is just a momentary spat that may well be stress induced... Finding ways to improve the household budget may help a lot with this. Also, if he is a HS director, he is coming off the most stressful time of the year with a lot of extra hours... JH directors, not as much. I would take a bit of time though to make sure that this is really what is bugging him... Sort of sounds like it may be the financial thing, though.

runningforthetrain

I wouldn't have a problem with the fact that he doesn't really want to go. I have been married 20+ years. Husband and I have a some separate hobbies. You have your own life as well as your shared life.
+ I would have a huge problem with his response including the word "waste." This clearly indicates he isn't thinking of your feelings and thinking solely about himself. I know he didn't say this but the message to you is "being with you is a waste..." This is probably what is hurtful to you.
+ The money issue sounds like marital trouble foreshadowing for sure. Red flag.
+ I would really consider see a pre-marital counselor before getting married. It could save you both a lot of heartache.

kajungrill

SrMaggalicious wrote: »

sorry, but he sounds like the non-supportive selfish one...and how old is he...five?? all that whining would make me throat punch him. go on your trip alone...sounds like it would be MUCH more enjoyable. and your not even married?? good luck with that one.

I totally agree with the above statement... with the video game nonsense. ....I can almost hear him complaining the whole car ride there....If he decides to go great but, don't let him ruin your day he can always play games on his phone

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lilmisfit1987

I have a video game playing husband. He isn't into the outdoors and prefers to spend his days relaxing with games. I don't think he'd be up for spending 6 hours to see me run either. If I asked him to go he'd logically point out how bored he would be. I don't think that's unreasonable, but saying it's a "waste" of a day is just rude. Your fiance definitely chose his words wrong.

To be honest, you probably should have told him how much it was going to cost to register. It sounds like you live paycheck to paycheck like we do and I always consult my husband before making a purchase over $50 and he does the same with me. However, if you did tell him all the info and he just agreed without really listening then that is on him NOT you. My husband does the half listening thing when he is playing games and I do NOT repeat myself (unless it's truly important, like rent is due tomorrow). It's not my job to break him out of his video game coma. If he doesn't listen to me when I speak that's on him, not me.

peaceissues

You are far from selfish. Just because he is the sole bread winner does not make it right for him to hog all the money. A marriage is a partnership, there's no reason for finances to be divided. I can't stand when women think just because he works for it that its only his. In my opinion those women are stupid and need to open up their eyes and take control of the situation.
By the way, what grown *kitten* man plays video games?!

53welshlady

I would say that the majority of working people want to enjoy their weekends off doing their own thing, but if you are in a relationship, you have to consider the other person's needs as well as your own, otherwise why be in a relationship?

I did my first 10k a few year ago at the age of 59. Never having been to a race before, I didn't know what was involved etc and was a bit nervous. At the time my OH was self employed and Saturday was usually a busy day. I asked him would he be able to take a few hours off to come with me. He said he wouldn't miss it for the world because he was so proud of me for doing it. Would I have been unhappy if he had said no? Yes I would, because I equally support him when he wants, we taxi drive each other places, etc, and we do things for each other. Being in a relationship is about sharing things, helping each other out. I also do things on my own, and so does he - he plays golf so that means I am often a golf widow.

Your boyfriend sounds amazingly immature considering his job, and also a bit sad if his main relaxation is playing video games at his age. Its what you would expect from a sulky teenager - "it's not fair" !!

WantBestME

InnocentLunatic wrote: »

I'm not in a relationship, so I'm not the best judge, but I know if I was, and they spent months preparing for something, and they wanted me to be there for them-- Yes, I would "waste" a day to be there even if I didn't really want to be there. Hell, heavens knows I've spent more than 6 hours waiting around in hospitals for sick family members, and I'd much rather spend 6 hours celebrating the culmination of your hard work than 6 hours wondering if you're going to die. That being said, I come from a history of terminally ill family members, I don't have a car, so I'm used to lots of "wasted" time and have come to accept it as a part of life.

And I don't mean to be judgemental, but it seems to me that the video games aren't doing a very good job of relaxing him. To me, relaxing should continue to effect you even after you are done the relaxing activity. I can feel calm for hours after coming home from a nice long walk along the nature trail. I'm no psychologist, but I think maybe there's some part of his life that maybe he feels he needs more support in too, which is why he resents your plea for support. Maybe the two of you should try to find some way to relax together. Good Luck!

Very True!!!

nuvimi

I'll be blunt: You have changed your life, which has made you a different person, which has made the two of you grow apart. He wants to "relax" during his free time, and you want to be active. It's sad to say, but stop trying to force a square peg into a round hole here. Go find someone who is more compatible with the new you and enjoys doing the activities you enjoy. Nobody is ever going to be happy being dragged around and made to sit in the stands and wait for someone to finish a run. Find someone who enjoys doing that run with you, move on with your life, and be happy.

GrammyPeachy

I would consider lazing around the house all day and playing video games a "wasted" Saturday.

LeslieTSUK

Nothing personal,
But ya partner sounds like a right jack *kitten*.
All me me me.

When in a relationship, doing stuff ya not always keen on comes as part of the package.
He should be bloody thankful that your trying to keep in shape and look after yourself.

Tell him to STFU and either support you or not, ya not bothered which but ya not arguing no more about it.

As for him paying most of the bills, he'd have almost the same bills if he was on his own.

I think he jealous to be honest, just think of all that attention you could get if you won, omg god forbid lol.

You do it, Don't be a door mat, you have to be happy too, or no point being in the relationship, yes I think he being really selfish.

moya_bleh

You've been training for this for months. He should be like a kid waiting for Christmas to come along and support you, to hug you at the finish and get a proud photo of you posing with your hard-earned medal while thinking "That's my gal!"

He sounds like a 12 year-old xbox addict throwing a tantrum because he has to put his gaming aside to visit grandma.

otter090812

I'm training for my first half-marathon in February. It's going to be cold and it's over an hour away from my home. My husband (who has a very stressful job) will definitely be there.

It's my FIRST half marathon, which is a huge achievement, and he's very proud of me. If I was running them every other weekend, then it would be a different story (my husband doesn't come to many of my 5Ks or 10Ks these days, but he was there for the first).

TBH, if he behaved like your partner is, then I definitely wouldn't want to see his whiney, miserable face when I crossed the finish line. I'm not sure I'd want to see his whiney, miserable face at all...

jenny24012014

cherirana wrote: »

I would consider lazing around the house all day and playing video games a "wasted" Saturday.

It completely depends on what you value doing with your free time.

I do understand where your boyfriend is coming from. If he has a stressful job then lazing around on the weekend is precious time to unwind. Standing on the street alone in a different town for hours while your partner does something else does sound incredibly boring - it's not like a tennis match or something where he'd be able to watch you. But part of being in a relationship is doing pointless stuff you hate because it makes the other person happy so really he should just suck it up.

The money stuff is more complicated and without knowing all the details of your finance I don't know how legitimate his complaints are about that. I handle the finances in my house and everything is budgeted. If my husband came home and told me he'd spent £100 on something unexpected then it would throw us off a fair bit.

LizN63

He should go, or not go. Up to him, whatever - the annoying thing is him insisting he'll go and then moaning about it. That spoils the day for both of you.

Partnerships mean being honest with the other person about what you want, and dealing with the consequences, good or bad. If you can't handle the bad, then you need to consider what you're doing with this guy. If the good really, truly makes up for it, then fine.

Everyone has fights in relationships - and it's possible he thinks he is wrong but is too defensive to admit it: forcing him to will only make it worse.

Pinkranger626

I am a runner and a general fitness nut, my husband, is not. He won't even set foot in a gym. BUT he has come to see almost all of my races, whether they are big or small because he knows that it means a lot to me that he comes. He has come to my Tough Mudder and waited around for over 5 hours, alone, while me and my team completed the course, never said a negative word about it, although he did get pretty sunburned. He has traveled to Disney with me and stayed out until 12 midnight while I completed the Tower of Terror 10 miler, and he is coming down to Disney with me again in February for the half marathon.

He said it's actually not boring at all because you can see all sorts of people and many people wear costumes and people hold up funny signs. Often times there are vendors and things to look at near the finish line. He knows that my races make me happy and that's all that matters. And it goes the same way for me, if he wants my support I go even if it's not my cup of tea... that's just how marriage works.

As for the "wasted" precious weekend... my initial reaction is get the heck over it. I work a full time job and two part time jobs, some days are 15 hour work days and they're physically taxing as well. My time off is precious to me as well, and I would LOVE to be able to spend two full days in my pajamas doing nothing, but that's not real life. And as you get older, if you have children (which we don't have any right now so I can only imagine how much more chaotic things can get) that time off will get more and more packed full of other things. I spend the majority of my "time off" from my full time job sprinkling in clients, running errands that i didn't get to during the week, and cleaning among fun things and family time.

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independant2406

epido wrote: »

It sounds like someone is definitely being selfish, but it's not you! There is give and take in every relationship, and that includes going to events you would really rather not be at to support your mate. It also means sucking it up and doing so without acting like a spoiled brat.

I think the bigger issue is that he doesn't seem to care that this is something that is important to you and he should be supportive of, and not that he doesn't want to go to a half marathon and "waste" most of his day. In fact, that he even looks at it in that manner says a lot about how supportive he would even be once he got there.

I 100% agree with this. Why exactly is your running in a marathon NOT important to him? Its a huge accomplishment and he should be proud of you. At the very least he should be supportive. If you were walking to get a diploma would he be proud of you and excited to go? Or would he only care about his own desire to be lazy on the weekends?

What if you were pregnant and god forbid you went into labor on the weekend. Would he be whining that you/the baby interrupted his gaming time?

If you marry him and have children imagine what this kind of attitude will do for them when they have important goals/accomplishments set? Will he be proud of them and go to cheer them on? Or will he be selfish and sit at home playing video games instead?

Marriage in my opinion never works as a 50-50 like everyone talks about... its 100% and 100% all the time. Its a 24/7 commitment. You don't get weekends off from marriage or children. If he's not willing to give his full attention to your marriage, or even spend 6 hours with you on a weekend then he's probably not ready for marriage.

Go by yourself to the marathon, kick butt at it (post about it here so we can congratulate you!) and then when you get home seriously consider weather this man is the one you want to marry.

DianaLovesCoffee

Sounds like he is an Introvert. Likes people, but they are draining. He needs alone time to recharge his batteries. Look for a compromise. Is there a cool game store only available in Trenton that isn't in your home town? Make that a stop after the run.

Try to take away the emotion, step back and list what you each need. Then find a way to meet most of each of your needs.

homemadehippy

Wow. I don't think YOU are being the selfish one. Our significant others usually put their best face forward PRIOR to the marriage. That means his behavior is likely to get worse, not better. Is this the future you want for yourself? Speaking as someone who has been in this situation (I'm not judging, honestly, I've been there!), I would seriously think about his behavior before turning him from a fiance into a husband.

TheBigFb

Well you agreed to put it behind you, so that really takes away the right/wrong aspect.

FitFitzy331

SherryTeach wrote: »

I think it's not too late to change your mind about marrying this man. People do things for their partners because they know their support is of value. My boyfriend has done a fair number of things to support me that he didn't really want to do, including sitting through my daughters' elementary school piano recitals that lasted for hours. He did these things without ever complaining because he understood that it was part of the deal.

I agree with this. I wouldn't be able to tolerate someone who was not supportive of me. My boyfriend has recently been working 6 days a week, he's always stressed and wants to just come home and play video games to relax. But anytime I've needed to talk to him, show him something, him to go some place with me, he did it. He'd usually want to do something for him as well, like if we went out of town for any particular reason he'd want to stop at a fast food place for a snack or grab some beer for when we arrive, but either way he makes time for me and supports me when I need him. I'd be nervous about your fiance's current behavior in the future. Wouldn't it be so inconvenient for him if you gave birth to his child on one of his weekend days? or what if it was a work day and he had to leave early to meet you at the hospital? These are things you should really consider given that he's giving you such a hard time about spending some money on yourself every once in a great while and that he won't even just support you on a day you've worked towards for months.

KombuchaCat

Your fiance is being a real jerk and quite frankly this is the sort of argument that would make me second guess the whole relationship if I were you. First off, he's complaining about only getting 2 days off for the weekend? Welcome to the real world, buddy! Plenty of people these days work multiple jobs and get no weekends to make ends meet. How about bringing a book/laptop/tablet and enjoying the time outside? Maybe meet some new people? He doesn't have to just sit there and stare a the runners going by the whole time. It's not like you are asking him to give up every weekend to do this. Tell him to put on his big boy pants, suck it up and go be a decent human being!

Silentfool

wow I am ashamed to be a male if that is the way he is behaving. He should be encouraging you to do this and then he should be eager and happy to take you to the race. I play video games ( maybe a bit more than I should) but I would never put them before my other half.

Thnk very carefully about your future. Your future should be spent with somebody who enchances your life not cause misery

Good Luck with the run.

HollyMGT

SrMaggalicious wrote: »

sorry, but he sounds like the non-supportive selfish one...and how old is he...five?? all that whining would make me throat punch him. go on your trip alone...sounds like it would be MUCH more enjoyable. and your not even married?? good luck with that one.

I second this. One day of his life doing something "boring" isn't going to kill him. He needs to get over himself and support and encourage you.

LookAWalrus

What's he going to do when you have an infant, both of you are up every 2-3 hours at night, weekends don't exist anymore and he has to work? He needs to figure it out and you need couples therapy before you get married.

KombuchaCat

mahanaibu wrote: »

wow, I really see it differently. Though he went off the rails a little when it came to the part about your wasting money and so forth, the half-marathon is your love and your decision, and I could see where it wouldn't be much fun for him. Sure, I know significant others who are great about supporting their loved ones on these things, but though that's nice, I sure don't think of it as required. Just as when I got heavily into hiking, and then started leading hikes, it was so terrific that my husband helped out on them, and became my regular hiking partner. But I wouldn't have thought less of him for not being interested.

If it's your thing, go do your thing. But don't expect it to be his thing, too, even from the sidelines.

But he already agreed to go. If he didn't want to go he should not have agreed to it. I can't believe that someone who lives in this county could be that naive about what going to a marathon entails...

1Cor1510

I would postpone the wedding. Seriously he sounds like he's 2 years old in this deal throwing a tantrum. I would not want to spend the rest of my life with a guy who hates his job and spends the majority of his time playing video games...Just my 2 cents.

donnymom

Boccellin wrote: »

So my fiance and I had a big fight today. We've made up and agreed to put it behind us, but neither one of us has admitted we were wrong, and I was hoping for opinions.

I have been getting into running, doing it steadily for over a year now. Back in very early August, I signed up for a half marathon in Trenton New Jersey. It gave me exactly twelve weeks to complete the Hal Higdon training program I chose. When I signed up for it, I did mention it to my fiance, I told him it would be in November, and I told him it would be in Trenton, New Jersey, which is about an hour drive away from us. He knew I wanted him to come out and support me, and at the time, he did not make an argument.

However, now that the half marathon is this Saturday, he's been steadily bitching more and more about it, culminating in our fight this afternoon. He is a band teacher, and during the school week, he travels to three different schools. The job stresses him out. When he comes home after school, he wants to relax and play video games. During the weekend, though we sometimes go out to dinner or for a brief shopping trip, the vast majority of Saturday and Sunday he wants to spend in our apartment relaxing.

His biggest complaint, the one that truly triggered our fight, is that he's "wasting" one of his two weekend days. He says we're going to have to spend a grand total of three hours driving, and around 3 hours at the half marathon itself, which "wastes" a minimum of 6 hours of his Saturday that he could be spending relaxing. His next complaint is that he's going to be alone for those three hours while I'm running, and he's going to be bored. That makes his Saturday not only wasted, but boring. Then, he complained about the gas money we're going to have to spend to get there, at least 20 dollars worth, and money is kind of tight (yet, he always has money for video games....). Then, when I brought up how much I spent to register for the half marathon in the first place, he completely blew up and flipped out at me for "throwing away" 95 dollars. Granted, this 95 dollars was MY money, but he's been paying the vast, vast majority of our bills because I've only been able to get part-time work lately. He claims that the 95 dollars could have been put to much better use. I didn't bring up how much he spends on video games, because he does pay the majority of the bills, and he should be able to splurge a bit.

I told him that I haven't bought myself anything worth more than 5 dollars in a year and a half, no clothes, no books, no entertainment, nothing. Yes, the 95 dollars could have been better spent, but if it was the only thing I was splurging on in a year and a half, I didn't think it was that unreasonable. I told him that I've been training for this event for 3 solid months, and I didn't think he should count his Saturday as "wasted" because he was coming out to support me. I told him that yes, he'd be alone for 2-3 hours, but I'd gone to concerts for him at his schools to support him. The total numbers I have spent supporting him at his concert is easily more than 20, and I've never asked him to support me before.

What upsets me the most, and that I told him upsets me the most, is how much he's been complaining about doing this. I can understand that he doesn't want to go, it's not exciting for him, but I want him to do it without complaining. When he rants endlessly about what a horrible inconvenience it is, how boring it's going to be, how it's the last thing in the world he wants to do on a Saturday, it made me feel awful. I asked him to please stop complaining and ranting and raving. He said he had every right to complain because I'm asking a lot of him. Finally, I snapped at him to just not come, that I didn't want his support if he didn't truly want to give it. He said no, that he wasn't giving me "something to guilt-trip him about later" (I have NEVER guilt tripped him) and that he was definitely going.

He then ranted that I handled this event completely wrong. That I should have told him from the second I registered how much I was paying, where it was, exactly how much of his day I would be "wasting". I should have done this and given him a chance to say "no". Then he told me that if I wanted him to support me, I shouldn't have been selfish enough to do it during the weekend, when he only has two days off from school. I should have magically found a race that was closer to us, so he wouldn't have to drive as far, and that took place during one of his school breaks so "wasting" a day didn't matter as much. He told me that I was being selfish, asking him to do this so that I could run in a race.

I don't think I'm selfish...but am I? Am I selfish asking him to do this for me? Am I selfish for spending the 95 dollars on myself? Am I selfish asking him to give up one of his days off because I want someone to support me while I run?