Getting legally married before a deployment? Opinions?

samanthajade124

My boyfriend and I have known each other for about 7 months, only “officially” dating for the last 2. He’s in the Air Force and he just learned he is deploying early next year to Saudi Arabia. We were talking, and he asked me if we could get legally married before he left, then have a ceremony with both our families present to renew vows when he gets back. He knows he wants to be with me for good, and the feeling is mutual. He said he’s been doing a lot of thinking and talking with other married soldiers, and he would feel a lot better if we were married when he left because:

-If something happened to him, I would be notified directly, and I would be able to make decisions regarding his health. (if I were just his fiancé, I wouldn’t be notified)

-I would get health insurance, dental, and optical care

-He would earn more being married while deployed, and we could use the money towards the renewal ceremony, house, etc when he gets back

-I would have access to support groups for spouses going through deployment

-He would use his housing allowance to have me move in with him to a house on base and we could start decorating together before he leaves, and I could finish it while he’s gone so he has a place to come home to. He would also feel comfortable having me around his friends who he knows would help me if I ever needed it.

-Just the overall benefits of being a military spouse


They type of person he is... it’s extremely important to him that I am taken care of while he is gone, and if something were to happen to him. This is why he would much prefer that I’m his wife when he leaves so that I am recognized as such and kept up-to-date.

Logically, I agree with this and I think it’s the best thing we could do. However, I feel slightly conflicted. We still want to have the ceremony with family at some point when he returns.. Whether it be a renewal of vows, or just a family-oriented reception/party of some sort.. Financially it's not feasible for us to do the family ceremony before he deploys due to everyone's location. (We're in Oklahoma, my family is in Wisconsin, and his family is in Georgia) ...My parents & family are not familiar with the military, so I’m not sure they understand the circumstances and the uncertainties and they'd lecture me about rushing into things. His family has some other military members, but I guess my conflicted feelings come from thinking how my family will feel. Are they going to feel left out even though we plan on having a ceremony that involves them?

Anyone been in a similar situation? I’d love to hear opinions and other stories. I know I’m not alone… I’m just feeling slightly overwhelmed by the news of him being deployed and whatnot.

Thanks for reading :flowerforyou:

Lone_Wolf70

my opinion? divorced within 18 months

MelMoly

If you are ready for the life...are in love...go for it! ....but be ready for the lifestyle!

Edit** also depends on your age

kmartinixx

I think from what you're saying it sounds great! BUT you if you have only been together for 7 months do YOU feel that's enough time for you to be married to someone? It just depends on how you feel in your heart (not to be all mushy or anything lol). I mean while the benefits ARE great, YOU need to make sure that you're truly ready to get married and be committed to this guy.

Other than that if you're both in loveeee and ready to get married, I say go for it! I love love

JustJennie1

It honesty doesn't sound like you'd be getting married because you love each other but for the benefits offered. That is not reason enough to marry someone.

samanthajade124

I never really believed the saying "you'll know when you feel it" in regards to knowing when you found the person you're supposed to be with. But I feel it. I am in love. I really don't see divorce happening. (But because him and I have excellent communication, we've discussed pros and cons of tons of different outcomes, including divorce, if ever need be)

I should also add, if we do get married before the deployment, it's not going to be a secret. Our families will know. We're not going to try to "fake" a second wedding or anything shady like that. We both greatly believe in honesty.

So_Much_Fab

You're on the brink of making a MAJOR life commitment based on a total of 7 months of knowing/dating your guy.

You still have a lot to learn about other. My vote is for not getting married at this juncture for the reasons you listed (though there are some 'benefits').

crista_b

....but be ready for the lifestyle!

Yes! Also think about why you want to get married now; is it really just for all the benefits? If he wasn't being deployed, would you feel that you're ready to be married?

Also, be prepared that he may (probably will) be different when he returns. My boyfriend is an Air Force vet, and he has a lot of personal issues (PTSD, drinking too much, night terrors, etc.) from it that he needs to work through. If he didn't have those issues, we would be ready to be married and have been (aside from those) since about 4 months in.

Just be prepared for everything, and do what you feel is the right thing. It doesn't matter if other people think it's wrong; every relationship in the world is different from every other relationship. No one else can dictate what's right for you.

Phoenix_Rising

my opinion? divorced within 18 months

I was engaged in a month, married at 4 months. I am as happy as can be. (Of course we are a normal couple and fight, but our relationship and love is solid.)

However, I have seen a few of my girlfriends get married before their SO's deployment and it always ended badly :sad:

Deployment changes soldiers. There is nothing they can do to fight the change. Combat situations, the solitude, being in a foreign land and removed from family... my ex-husband changed into a horrible person after just his bootcamp/AIT.

I hate to give advice either way.

I think my one piece of advice is this: If he weren't deploying, would you marry him this very moment, or would you want to wait a while longer?

Financial security in the short run isn't worth a possible divorce in the future. Divorces hurt both people deeply, no matter who wants it or for what reasons. I speak from experience, being the one who left a husband for good reasons, but the one who was hurt the deepest.

I wish you all the best in your decision!!!

kmartinixx

Just be prepared for everything, and do what you feel is the right thing. It doesn't matter if other people think it's wrong; every relationship in the world is different from every other relationship. No one else can dictate what's right for you.

Yes! Exactly!

samanthajade124

I kinda felt like that's how other people would view it. Getting married for the benefits. But that's not it at all. I could care less if there were benefits or not. I was fine with staying in my apartment and just doing my thing. He said he just cares so deeply for me that he wants to take necessary precautions if anything were to happen to him while he's gone.

I'm not infatuated with him. I'm in love. We've both been in long term relationships and are mature enough to know the difference. But I don't know how to explain that to people. They always seem to try to make it seem like it's something it's not.

I understand that ultimately it's our decision. I guess I should have known better than to post something that's contrary to what the majority of society agrees with. Silly me.

ldrosophila

Sounds like he's a responsible man who loves you. If you can see yourself growing old, being there to help change his diaper and can put up with his male tendencies, or him being there to wipe the drool from your face and change your diaper then why not?

Power_Man77

Being married is already a challenge when you live together. But when an person is overseas you're adding additional stress to the marriage. Nobody sees themselves getting divorce. Based on what you mention before, don't think its a good idea.

RGv2

my opinion? divorced within 18 months

Deployment changes soldiers. There is nothing they can do to fight the change. Combat situations, the solitude, being in a foreign land and removed from family... my ex-husband changed into a horrible person after just his bootcamp/AIT.

Yes, but dude isn't a soldier, he's an airman. There won't be solitude or combat. Being in a foreign land....have you ever been on an air base?

How long is the deployment? Air deployments can be as short as 90-180 days.

kvandeman

Only you can make this decision. When my husband and I met while we were in the Navy everybody thought we were crazy for getting married. Heck they didn't think we should be dating. We met in Mar/Apr. I left in July and we married in Dec. Everyone gave us the whole 18 months max line. We are still together 15 years later. It wasn't easy. We figured we saw each other 9 months total out of the first 3 years we were married but we kept fighting for us. As long as you feel you belong together go for it. Your family will understand in the long run and so will his. Don't think of the money that is piddly to everything else.

DalekBrittany

Well, you haven't known him for long. Think about if you really would be ready to settle down this soon if he was not in the military. If you're unsure about the answer...then there's your answer. I'm usually all about not rushing things and not knowing things so soon, BUT I knew I wanted to marry my fiance the day I met him. Three and a half years later and I'm still just as sure, and trust me we are past the "new relationship" phase. Another "but", sometimes I feel like we are the exception, and not the rule. So really it's up to you. If you think you guys are really gonna make it, go for it. But don't get married for the benefits.

Then again, there's always divorce, but I would never marry someone under the pretense of "we can always get divorced".

TavistockToad

You may have known him 7 months but if you have only been in a relationship for 2 months so it sounds like you're rushing into the marriage for the benefits!

LuckyLeprechaun

It honesty doesn't sound like you'd be getting married because you love each other but for the benefits offered. That is not reason enough to marry someone.

This is my impression.


But I waited 7 YEARS after meeting him to marry him, so I may be biased.

7 months of knowing someone isn't very much at all.

Phoenix_Rising

I understand that ultimately it's our decision. I guess I should have known better than to post something that's contrary to what the majority of society agrees with. Silly me.

OP, don't be overly sensitive... I don't think anyone here has said anything with any ill will towards you. You asked for opinions, and I think the majority of what people have written is very kind. Most of it isn't what you are wanting to hear -- you were really hoping to get the "Yes, do it!" answer - to help ease your worries and do what your fiancee wishes. Most of what I've read here has all been kind advice to help you look introspectively to get your answer. No one can make the decision for you -- we are here to try to raise issues you may not have thought of previously and to try to help you make the decision that only your heart can make. :flowerforyou:

samanthajade124

In regards to "If he weren't being deployed would we still want to get married?"

He spilled the beans and told me that he had planned on asking my dad for permission during my family Christmas trip. And then would propose officially at my family get together over the summer (for which he'll be deployed now) ... so the answer to that is yes. Absolutely.

So_Much_Fab

I guess I should have known better than to post something that's contrary to what the majority of society agrees with. Silly me.

Why is that silly? You asked for opinions and you're getting them.