Getting legally married before a deployment? Opinions?
Replies
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I wish there was a way to close this post now that I know my answer lol.
I don't want to gamble with my future.
Thanks again, everyone.
I'll tell him we can plan it for when he gets back. No need to rush.
Eh, no reason to. If you don't want to read further, just let people ramble and say their piece, because at this point even if they have seen you've made up your mind, they are going to try to change it because of what their experiences are. Human nature. Or just continue reading and be interested in all the differing opinions.0 -
My boyfriend was in the Army. He was married before he met me. They had a son together who passed away two weeks after he was born. She cheated on him while he was deployed and got pregnant with another man's child. He was in Iraq dealing with his grief over the loss of his son with no one to talk to and also had to deal with the demise of a marriage. We met after he got back from his second deployment to Iraq and I can definitely tell that he has changed. He has night terrors, gets really bad anxiety, and talks a lot about how no one will understand unless they've been there. If you're not a patient person, this is tough to see and it is so hard to know what to say and what to do.
I will probably marry that boy some day, but it will be on my own timeline. Nothing rushed by the government.0 -
I wish there was a way to close this post now that I know my answer lol.
I don't want to gamble with my future.
Thanks again, everyone.
I'll tell him we can plan it for when he gets back. No need to rush.
Eh, no reason to. If you don't want to read further, just let people ramble and say their piece, because at this point even if they have seen you've made up your mind, they are going to try to change it because of what their experiences are. Human nature. Or just continue reading and be interested in all the differing opinions.
Or consider that maybe there is someone else out there in a very similar situation and this post is serving to help them as well
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You only get married once, if all you want is the justice of the peace then go for it. But take it from another military wife, you only get one shot at it.0
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I understand that ultimately it's our decision. I guess I should have known better than to post something that's contrary to what the majority of society agrees with. Silly me.
no you should have known better than to post asking for an opinion on something non fitness related in a fitness site and something it appears you've already made up your mind on.0 -
You know what? If you can't decide in 6 months whether you want to marry a person or not, you never will be sure. It's mostly a willingness to commit and fortitude to remain committed long-term than the magic right person. Assuming that person isn't an addict, abuser or otherwise broken.0
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I had a military ex that deployed to Afghanistan last November. We had been together for a month and he was already talking about me dropping out of Dental School in NC to get married and move to Clarksville, TN with him. I said fat-****ing-chance. I wasn't stupid. He ran all those same benefits/reasons by me too. Good thing I didn't.... he was cheating on me the whole time but tried so hard to get me to marry him just for that money. After I left him he tried cheating on his then-current girlfriend with me. So I am always weary of these military guys now. BUT.... all situations aren't the same as mine. If you really believe it is love then go for it. But do not be NAIVE!!0
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It sounds like you're making the right decision by waiting until after deployment. I'm a military wife and have met many, many people who have rushed into getting married before a deployment for the benefits and not a single one of them are still together. Seriously, they all got divorced shortly after returning from deployment for various reasons. It's sad to see that happen, especially to good people. My husband and I lived together and waited 6 years (yeah it's a long time but we were both young) before getting married and we went through 4 deployments at that point. He's in the Navy, so it might be slightly different than the Air Force, but I was still able to be notified about on-goings with his ship, and of course, he kept in constant contact with me so I got a lot of information that way.
Hope the deployment goes by quickly for you both and he returns safely. The first one is always the hardest to get through.
ETA: Regarding BHA, you don't have to live on base. If he is already receiving housing allowance, why don't you guys find a place together off base? Depending on what area you live in, you can find housing off base that is cheaper and still have BHA cover all of your rent and still have some extra money left over from it. That's what we did.0 -
I wish there was a way to close this post now that I know my answer lol.
I don't want to gamble with my future.
Thanks again, everyone.
I'll tell him we can plan it for when he gets back. No need to rush.
I'm glad you made this decision.0 -
Sounds like he's a responsible man who loves you. If you can see yourself growing old, being there to help change his diaper and can put up with his male tendencies, or him being there to wipe the drool from your face and change your diaper then why not?
^^^ this. People get married for all kinds of reasons, anyway. Make the right decision for you. I moved in with my bf after only being together for a month or so, and I just knew that we'll get married. This is coming from someone who dated someone for 5+ years before getting married and divorced, and subsequently dated a few others semi-longterm without having that feeling. Time isn't always the tell-all. Sometimes, I really believe you just know.0 -
If you need to ask the opinion of a bunch of strangers on the internet, maybe not.
If you love him and he loves you and you want to be with him for the rest of your life, you know the answer.
My s.o is military and I would give anything to be able to easily marry him and have the right to know where he is, have the right to phone calls on deployment, have the right to be his next of kin and know wether he's DEAD or ALIVE.... **** a dental plan and married quarters. No offence meant bit it seems like you're focusing on a lot of the financial advantages to marrying him and not the actual emotional implications.0 -
To be honest it seems a bit rushed and yes there are benefits but does it mean your really going to be happy. I've been deployed twice and seen fellow service members get married only to end up heart broken.
If I were you I would wait.......0 -
Christ!!! Be with him at least a year before u even talk about marriage, not 2 months!! I wouldn't, definitely not! Your still getting to know him....0
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He is an Airmen so it is not luckily for him to see combat or be outside a base, so he won't be changing in that regard. If it is his first time out the country and he is adventurous then there might be a different change as far as he views the world.
My question to you is, have you been in a long distance relationship before? Cause a lot of the time you see some dude being all sad in the barracks is cause his sweetheart found someone else. Or one of his friends or family members saw her out with some other dude. Now I'm not saying that you will, I'm just pointing out that it might be something worth testing before you commit to a military man.
That being said, in all my time in the service the happiest couple I knew was a Master Sergeant and his wife. They married when he graduated boot camp and before his training and development. So, there are some happy endings but a lot point the other way.0 -
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I think the real test of whether or not a couple should get married is living together for a year. You don't really know someone until you live with them. I dated a guy for 3 years and we moved in together after the first year. I could NOT live with him. He became extremely possessive and he made me cut off contact with my friends and family. When I got home from work, he would park his truck behind me so I wouldn't be able to leave when he fought with me. After the 3rd year (the last of which seemed like I was living with a roommate, not a boyfriend) he asked me what I would say if he proposed and I said I would say no. I ended up moving out and not looking back. Things were great the first year. It wasn't until I moved in with them that it fell apart. You don't really see and know all of a person until that time. You've only been a couple for two months. Wait until he comes back and see what happens.0
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Although you have now decided to wait, and believe me I think that's the right choice.. let me add something that may be helpful for him.
He needs to come to terms withthe career that he's chosen. Although he is in the military and there will be challenges throughout his career with moving and seperation at times.. he's in the Air Force.
The Air Force, by far, takes better care of their Airmen than any other branch of the military. They have better housing, better pay and better overall conditions.
For 90% of the people in the Air Force, basic training is the hardest they will ever have it.
He's not Special Forces, He's not a Marine grunt on the front lines .. he will NEVER be in situations like that.
If he loves you and wants to marry you than 6 months of hanging out in Saudi Arabia, with a PX, workout tent, A/C and internet access wont change that.
Tell him to save his tax free money and when he gets back he can put a ring on it.
The reality is, he IS a servicemember and for that, I have the utmost respect. I am a disabled combat veteran, I will always support anyone that serves... but lighten up.
He's going on vacation to make tax free money. Thats the reality.
WAIT ... calm down.. think clearly and will all work out.
P.S.
I dont mean to sound insensitive, so I apologize if I do.
I just want you to be clear what we're really talking about.0 -
In regards to "If he weren't being deployed would we still want to get married?"
He spilled the beans and told me that he had planned on asking my dad for permission during my family Christmas trip. And then would propose officially at my family get together over the summer (for which he'll be deployed now) ... so the answer to that is yes. Absolutely.
I think this is your answer. Nobody you ask, no matter how experienced they may be, could make an accurate judgement about whether or not you're rushing into this. We can't possibly know how you and this guy feel about each other. All that matters is that you and him and comfortable with it. If you would have married him anyway before his summer deployment meant rushing through the paperwork, then I say go for it. Best of luck!
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Ok normally I would never chime in on anythign having to do with relationships.. but in this case you're also talking fast marriage and military.
I used to be in the Army, I have deployed and I have trained all over the world.
While I understand his concern for you, I think you guys are going about it completely wrong.
He's in the Air Force.. the chances of him seeing combat are VERY low. So low that he's more likely to get killed in the states than over there.
Secondly, Air Force deployments are short. 3-6 months. That's nothing.
It must be his first deployment, because thats when people get the most nervous and tend to overreact to the situation, planning for the worst. Now dont get me wrong.. planning is important. But he needs to relax a little.
If you guys truly are in love than it can wait for his return.
Forcing a marriage due to a small deployment to a NON-combat zone doesnt make sense.
If you love him and he loves you, it wont change between now and then.
Furthermore.. the time apart will give you a chance to see if its for real.
7 months is NOT a long time, so 6 months of seperation will let you see if its for real.
This is of course.. just my opinion.
But in my tenure Ive seen hundreds of military marriages go south. Most were rushed, young and didnt understand what they were getting themselves into.
Be sure.. Being a military wife is a lifestyle. Its not for everyone.
Best of Luck
THIS!!!0 -
*He's an AirmanHis an Airmen so it is not luckily for him to see combat or be outside a base, so he won't be changing in that regard.
:flowerforyou:
But that's not necessarily true that it won't change him. My boyfriend is f***ed up just from basic and training after basic.0 -
If it's combat zone be aware that deployment changes you..
Both you, and him.
PTSD can be mild to extreme.
If you love him, wait. His family should keep you informed on everything. Airmen usually don't go in combat zones though, or even deploy very long.0 -
bump0
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Just do it. Even if it doesn't work out in the long-run, it's not a big deal. Marriage doesn't mean anything in today's society anyways, not everyone even has the right to it.0
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This. My Army Medic boyfriend and I have been together for TWO YEARS! And although we've been living together for nearly that long as well, even if he had been deployed last summer, I would NOT have felt comfortable marrying him yet. Now? Perhaps, but I still don't know if we're ready.If he weren't deploying, would you marry him this very moment, or would you want to wait a while longer?
And yes, deployment changes soldiers. I watched five years ago when he was just my friend as he was deployed and then came home again 19 months later. He's a medic. He's seen things he cannot unsee. Did it change him? Absolutely. Would it change him again were he to be deployed again? Yes, but possibly not in the same way.
I would wait.0 -
I say go for it. So you haven't known each other for years. I've seen couples that dated for years, were married for decades and STILL ended up divorced. If you love him as much as you say and he treats you well then go for it. Just invite your immediate family to the little ceremony that you're planning. They will appreciate that and so will you.It really just sounds like you are expediting the inevitable.0
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You've been together for 2/7 months - so you'll be more than doubled the official 'dating time' before he leaves Early Next Year!
You have a lot of time to continue to learn about each other and grow together and make this decision.0 -
Ok normally I would never chime in on anythign having to do with relationships.. but in this case you're also talking fast marriage and military.
I used to be in the Army, I have deployed and I have trained all over the world.
While I understand his concern for you, I think you guys are going about it completely wrong.
He's in the Air Force.. the chances of him seeing combat are VERY low. So low that he's more likely to get killed in the states than over there.
Secondly, Air Force deployments are short. 3-6 months. That's nothing.
It must be his first deployment, because thats when people get the most nervous and tend to overreact to the situation, planning for the worst. Now dont get me wrong.. planning is important. But he needs to relax a little.
If you guys truly are in love than it can wait for his return.
Forcing a marriage due to a small deployment to a NON-combat zone doesnt make sense.
If you love him and he loves you, it wont change between now and then.
Furthermore.. the time apart will give you a chance to see if its for real.
7 months is NOT a long time, so 6 months of seperation will let you see if its for real.
This is of course.. just my opinion.
But in my tenure Ive seen hundreds of military marriages go south. Most were rushed, young and didnt understand what they were getting themselves into.
Be sure.. Being a military wife is a lifestyle. Its not for everyone.
Best of Luck
This response exactly.
I'm not in the military- neither is my husband, but coming out of college (when everyone has to make good on their contracts) I've seen a lot of my friends marry into the military because their significant other is deploying and it hasn't worked out. A lot of them think it's sensible because of the benefits, but I honestly don't think that's the best reason to get married. Wait until after his deployment. He's going to be gone almost as long as you've known him, and you need to be sure you can handle being away from your significant other for that long--even if it's only 3-6 months-- because you'll have to deal with it again and again. If everything turns out fine after the deployment, then go for it!0 -
Air Force deployments are not very long compared to other branches so I say wait. Even if it was a lengthier deployment, I would still wait. A deployment and the benefits are not a reason to get married. The marriage survival rate of the military is not very good so if you two love each other enough to stay together through a deployment, then get hitched when he comes home. Not saying you wouldn't make it through a deployment but deployments are VERY difficult. A deployment will test your relationship.
I guess I should add, my husband served 6 years in the Army National Guard and currently on the IRR list. We stayed together through all the twists and turns that the military can throw at you. We saw countless marriages fail because the military puts such a stress on a marriage.0 -
It honesty doesn't sound like you'd be getting married because you love each other but for the benefits offered. That is not reason enough to marry someone.
This is my impression.
But I waited 7 YEARS after meeting him to marry him, so I may be biased.
7 months of knowing someone isn't very much at all.
I'm the same way. My partner and I have been together for 8 years and just getting married now. We were totally different people 8 years ago...and went through a lot of fighting in the first few years of our relationship. Had we been married after a few months of knowing one another I guarantee we would be divorced by now.0 -
My boyfriend and I have known each other for about 7 months, only “officially” dating for the last 2. He’s in the Air Force and he just learned he is deploying early next year to Saudi Arabia. :
You have some time to decide. It is not like he is leaving in a week. Wait it out as much as you can and see where it takes you. If you wait until closer to when he leaves, then you will have a better idea of how stable your relationship is. Also as someone said, if his deployment is 6 months or less I would just wait until he returns.0
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