Getting legally married before a deployment? Opinions?
Options
Replies
-
Ok normally I would never chime in on anythign having to do with relationships.. but in this case you're also talking fast marriage and military.
I used to be in the Army, I have deployed and I have trained all over the world.
While I understand his concern for you, I think you guys are going about it completely wrong.
He's in the Air Force.. the chances of him seeing combat are VERY low. So low that he's more likely to get killed in the states than over there.
Secondly, Air Force deployments are short. 3-6 months. That's nothing.
It must be his first deployment, because thats when people get the most nervous and tend to overreact to the situation, planning for the worst. Now dont get me wrong.. planning is important. But he needs to relax a little.
If you guys truly are in love than it can wait for his return.
Forcing a marriage due to a small deployment to a NON-combat zone doesnt make sense.
If you love him and he loves you, it wont change between now and then.
Furthermore.. the time apart will give you a chance to see if its for real.
7 months is NOT a long time, so 6 months of seperation will let you see if its for real.
This is of course.. just my opinion.
But in my tenure Ive seen hundreds of military marriages go south. Most were rushed, young and didnt understand what they were getting themselves into.
Be sure.. Being a military wife is a lifestyle. Its not for everyone.
Best of Luck
It is his first deployment, and it's 6 months. I'm not aware of the type of environment, nor the risks involved.I suppose it makes sense to get nervous and anticipate the worst for a first deployment. I'll ask him to get some more information before we rush into anything. I really have no preference on if we get married now or wait. I was considering it out of how important he said it was to him.
You guys have helped tremendously and I'll be talking to him again tonight. If the risks really are that low while he's gone, there is no reason to rush things. Then the wedding will be as normal and everyone will be happy, including myself.
Thanks0 -
It does seem a little soon right now, but only you know if you're forcing a marriage or doing what you'd do anyway. Only you know if the relationship is right. You said he's being deployed next year, so if you're going to go through with it I'd wait until the last minute so that you can get a little more relationship time under your belt.
That being said, I personally think that "second weddings" or "vow renewals" or whatever that happen after the fact so that the couple can have the "wedding experience" are tacky. The sole purpose of a wedding is to get married - once you're married there is no reason for another wedding. Throw a party when he gets back if you want to celebrate - I'd say do it on the anniversary and call it an anniversary party - but please don't register for or expect gifts, put on a mock wedding for show, or go bankrupt for it. It's either dishonest or everyone knows it's basically a fake done for attention. The culture today puts WAY too much emphasis on the wedding and not enough on the marriage, imo. I'm not trying to offend you, that just the way I see it.
Plus, if you've got at least 6 months, I don't fully understand why you couldn't do something small and intimate with your important family and friends *before* he goes. You're all easily within weekend travel distance of each other.0 -
I just went back and re-read the original post, and here is her actual question to the forum:
"Logically, I agree with this and I think it’s the best thing we could do. However, I feel slightly conflicted. We still want to have the ceremony with family at some point when he returns.. Whether it be a renewal of vows, or just a family-oriented reception/party of some sort.. Financially it's not feasible for us to do the family ceremony before he deploys due to everyone's location. ... but I guess my conflicted feelings come from thinking how my family will feel. Are they going to feel left out even though we plan on having a ceremony that involves them?"
The concern is about her family's feelings, not about getting married at all. Whole 'nother kettle of worms.
How the heck should we know how your family will feel? Ask them. It sounds like you're afraid of them.
since you did indeed ask for opinions, I will offer that you sound a bit young for any of this, regardless of chronological age.0 -
I was a military spouse for 8 years, and was the ombudsman (in charge of the crew's families) for one of those years.
My opinion? Wait.
He can go to legal and draw up some papers and have you named as his beneficiary, executor of his stuff, make legal choices for him "just in case" etc.
He came move out on town, now, and start getting his housing allotment. It won't be as much, but it's more than living in the dorm.
Have him ask if you can be added to the ombudsman's list. There should be one for every command/division/whatever that deploys - these are created specifically to support the wives, fiancées, and girlfriends. A lot of times you don't have to be married to be included.
Being a military spouse isn't for every one and divorce sucks. It's better to know you can handle this type of life... If it's right, it'll be right tomorrow, it'll be right next week, it'll be right next month, it'll be right next year, and it'll be right after he gets back from deployment.
Eta:
Some AF units deploy for a year. I have a friend who did that with ones all child and another on the way. It just so happened that she had the baby during his 2 weeks home of R&R. Are you prepared for ,something like that? They have been married for 11-12 years now. They dated for 2 before marrying, going through deployments together before making it legal. They've been through a preemie baby with serious health issues while having 3 other young children at home, times where neither were employed, 2 HUGE moves, etc.
waiting prepared them both.0 -
Sounds like you are both manipulating each other and using the system. Disgusting.
lol, judgmental much? Disgusting.0 -
I'm a military wife (been with my hubs for over 8 years now) but I was with my hubby for about 3 yrs before we married. Hun, a deployment will make or break a relationship, truly. I'd say don't marry before you go and take the time to solidify your communication, love and trust. All of that will be tested on a deployment and then some. Please feel free to message me if you need to. Good luck!0
-
Ok normally I would never chime in on anythign having to do with relationships.. but in this case you're also talking fast marriage and military.
I used to be in the Army, I have deployed and I have trained all over the world.
While I understand his concern for you, I think you guys are going about it completely wrong.
He's in the Air Force.. the chances of him seeing combat are VERY low. So low that he's more likely to get killed in the states than over there.
Secondly, Air Force deployments are short. 3-6 months. That's nothing.
It must be his first deployment, because thats when people get the most nervous and tend to overreact to the situation, planning for the worst. Now dont get me wrong.. planning is important. But he needs to relax a little.
If you guys truly are in love than it can wait for his return.
Forcing a marriage due to a small deployment to a NON-combat zone doesnt make sense.
If you love him and he loves you, it wont change between now and then.
Furthermore.. the time apart will give you a chance to see if its for real.
7 months is NOT a long time, so 6 months of seperation will let you see if its for real.
This is of course.. just my opinion.
But in my tenure Ive seen hundreds of military marriages go south. Most were rushed, young and didnt understand what they were getting themselves into.
Be sure.. Being a military wife is a lifestyle. Its not for everyone.
Best of Luck
It is his first deployment, and it's 6 months. I'm not aware of the type of environment, nor the risks involved.I suppose it makes sense to get nervous and anticipate the worst for a first deployment. I'll ask him to get some more information before we rush into anything. I really have no preference on if we get married now or wait. I was considering it out of how important he said it was to him.
You guys have helped tremendously and I'll be talking to him again tonight. If the risks really are that low while he's gone, there is no reason to rush things. Then the wedding will be as normal and everyone will be happy, including myself.
Thanks
He's going to Saudi---a non combat zone.0 -
My opinion is that military marriages because they are almost always last minute before deployment end in divorce. And usually with a kid or two. I say don't do it. Stay together and see if you can work through a deployment in the first place. If you can then get married when he comes home! I've seen too many friends get divorced for this exact situation!0
-
Just think about it this way. If you have to ask, its probably not a good idea.0
-
No matter the circumstances this is always a flip of the coin on whether it was a good idea or not. Marriage is a big step, I consider it needing the same level of judgement as if you were deciding to have a baby.
You are still technically in the honeymoon phase, usually that phase will last from a few week or months to a year and then feeling change and you idea of who that person was will also possibly change. I think talking to your family, having them meet him, meet his family and live with each other and really take the time to get to know each others best attributes and worst faults so you better know what you are getting yourself into and if that is what you really want.
Honestly if you can look down the long list of some of the hardest questions to answer and everything points to yes you can live with these thing then I would say it's a good idea, if you go down that list and find some hard questions that you may not be able to face then I wouldn't.0 -
Just be careful. Most women who get into marriages exactly like yours didn't see divorce happening; otherwise, they wouldn't have gotten into them.
I believed I was truly in love with my first fiance. I wasn't though, and I'm glad we didn't get married.
If you wait until after his deployment, there isn't really anything you're sacrificing other than practical benefits, and you'll gain so much from waiting. It's hard for newlyweds to spend so much time away from each other early on, so if you last during this time without being married, your marriage is set for life.
[/quote]
And like I said, I could care less about the benefits. I have health insurance through work, and I can afford my expenses just fine. I don't need the benefits the military offers. I think I'll be talking to him tonight and going over a lot of the points that people have brought up. Thank you, everyone :flowerforyou:0 -
So I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you just laid out all the pros to you getting married to a bunch of strangers. If you don't already know in your heart I would say you're just looking for a bunch of people to tell you it's ok. You laid out no cons, so why not. You should know, for a fact you want to marry this guy without out opinions. My opinion, you laid out all these nice pros, a lot of which had to do with money. Where did you say 'I love him?'0
-
My husband's brother and his wife did this; they eloped, with plans of "making it up to the family" by having a ceremony and reception later.
It never happened. three years later, the money that was supposed to be saved for the wedding party has been spent, now they have 2 kids that are barely 9 months apart, and it's pretty clear they are never going to do it. What would be the point? The whole family feels cheated and hurt that they never got to see their son married, and there is a lot of underlying resentment toward the girl he married for "stealing him away" from his family.
You're probably thinking "that'll never happen to US!" and I'm not saying it necessarily will, but don't you think my BIL and his wife never thought that it would happen to them, either?
Think about it.0 -
Don't do this! Just don't.
I live in a predominately military town and these marriages happen all of the time. It is very romantic at first, the "I love you so much we had to get married before I deployed." Most of these marriages don't last. Each person thought that they were different or they were the exception. It's like they never really knew the real versions of each other. In the first six months, everything is wonderful and new and then that wears off and you are stuck with the reality of things. It is when you still love each other when that reality sets in that you would know this is the person for you.
It's not that you don't love this person. It's not that it won't last.
But take some time, go through a deployment together as boyfriend and girlfriend. Let him come home. See if he has changed. If it is meant to be, it doesn't matter if you wait to do it until you have gone through these things together.
And there are many of us who have just seen this situation often. It happened to our friends. I don't know how old you are, but to consider marrying someone and including having health benefits as a pro shows that you are not fully self sufficient yet, either.... don't give up your chance to be self sufficient before marrying someone else.0 -
[/quote]
I think my one piece of advice is this: If he weren't deploying, would you marry him this very moment, or would you want to wait a while longer?
[/quote]
This.
If you are ready today, and talking about it, why wait? If you hesitate, you aren't ready. Everyone is different, but nearly every single relationship that I have seen, after a year and a half it changes. You are "in love" but the real relationship (IMO) starts after that point.
If you're ready for it, go for it. Why ask us for our opinions? Since you are asking, you may not be ready....
good luck to you both!0 -
Getting married is a huge step. One that should be made based on love and wanting to be together for the rest of your lives. Getting married just for military benefits and a place to live is not a good reason. Just my opinion. I don't know how old you are either. I would say, wait to get married until he comes home. If your relationship can survive a long distance deployment you are meant to be together. Divorce is horrible. I know, I've been through it and marriage is not something I take lightly. Think about it a bit more. Do you really love him? Or, is it just for the reasons you listed?0
-
From your original post, to a couple of your follow-up replies, you keep talking about this "wedding." Marriage, be it to military guy or not, isn't about one day of a wedding for your families to be around and have a big party. (all of which make me believe you are in your early 20s) A wedding or renewal of vows seem to be a big focus of your posts. Hardly a reason to enter into marriage.
While I agree your fiancé seems like he wants to take care of you, he can do that through an attorney and the pre-deployment paperwork.
Sounds like he wants control and to KNOW you're there waiting for him when/if he returns. And what about the next time he deploys? What if that deployment is even longer? You simply don't know each other very well and are seeing the romantic side of military life and marriage. Do a lot more homework.0 -
My thing is why are you asking MFP if you're sure you're going to be making the right decision?0
-
And like I said, I could care less about the benefits. I have health insurance through work, and I can afford my expenses just fine. I don't need the benefits the military offers. I think I'll be talking to him tonight and going over a lot of the points that people have brought up. Thank you, everyone :flowerforyou:
If it were me, at this point, having read everything posted, I'd plan a wedding for after his return, have him save his pay while deployed for the wedding, and then have a beautiful wedding with all the family you like
Best of luck!!! 0 -
I don't know your specifics, so don't take this as passing judgment on you.
My (idiot) brother got married right before he was deployed the first time for the reason of "providing" for the woman (and mostly for her daughter, who wasn't his). They went on to have two more kids during the windows where he was back in the country. They'd only dated a couple of months prior to getting married. She spent most of their marriage sleeping around (since he was out of the country most of the time) with guys on base.
They're obviously divorced now, and the divorce was ugly.
Marriage always carries a risk. I would think that risk is multiplied when the people getting married don't know each other that well (or for that long). Add in the additional strain of deployment right out of the gate, and it's going to be tough.0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 392K Introduce Yourself
- 43.6K Getting Started
- 259.8K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.7K Food and Nutrition
- 47.4K Recipes
- 232.3K Fitness and Exercise
- 401 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.4K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.8K Motivation and Support
- 7.9K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.4K MyFitnessPal Information
- 23 News and Announcements
- 996 Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.4K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions