Getting legally married before a deployment? Opinions?
Replies
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if your ready, your ready. if your not, your not. it's your decision. i know someone who got engaged after a month of them going out, they are married now and extremely happy
they are also an older couple and one of them has adult kids from a previous marriage so i guess it is a little different. 0 -
Not just would you want to marry him, but would you be ready to marry him.If he weren't deploying, would you marry him this very moment, or would you want to wait a while longer?0 -
A wedding is a day. A marriage is a lifetime.
If you are unable to commit to a marriage because your family would be upset about a single day, I don't think you're quite ready.
Real life isn't Pinterest. While I think your boyfriend is on the right track, I think you're lacking in maturity and don't really understand what a lifetime commitment means.
My opinion is that you'd both better off waiting until after his first deployment to get married. Wait and see if your relationship can withstand the stress of deployment before you commit to a lifetime.0 -
Ok normally I would never chime in on anythign having to do with relationships.. but in this case you're also talking fast marriage and military.
I used to be in the Army, I have deployed and I have trained all over the world.
While I understand his concern for you, I think you guys are going about it completely wrong.
He's in the Air Force.. the chances of him seeing combat are VERY low. So low that he's more likely to get killed in the states than over there.
Secondly, Air Force deployments are short. 3-6 months. That's nothing.
It must be his first deployment, because thats when people get the most nervous and tend to overreact to the situation, planning for the worst. Now dont get me wrong.. planning is important. But he needs to relax a little.
If you guys truly are in love than it can wait for his return.
Forcing a marriage due to a small deployment to a NON-combat zone doesnt make sense.
If you love him and he loves you, it wont change between now and then.
Furthermore.. the time apart will give you a chance to see if its for real.
7 months is NOT a long time, so 6 months of seperation will let you see if its for real.
This is of course.. just my opinion.
But in my tenure Ive seen hundreds of military marriages go south. Most were rushed, young and didnt understand what they were getting themselves into.
Be sure.. Being a military wife is a lifestyle. Its not for everyone.
Best of Luck
^^^This
Good luck with your decision
From: A military daughter, sister, ex-wife and mother0 -
I met my husband in January, got engaged in April, and we were married by July. When you know, you know. On the same note, we were both in our late 20's and knew what we wanted/didn't want in a relationship. So it really depends on you and your significant other. If you are both mature and have realistic expectations and mutual goals, then why not? If you know going into it that it's gonna be hard, then you are better prepared. Also, as someone who was not familiar with military life prior to meeting my husband, I'm learning that people who don't know the military life can't really relate to you. Their responses to the challenges that you will encounter are going to come from a different place. Military life is truly a culture, so surround yourself with people who "get" it and can encourage you.0
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Although you have now decided to wait, and believe me I think that's the right choice.. let me add something that may be helpful for him.
He needs to come to terms withthe career that he's chosen. Although he is in the military and there will be challenges throughout his career with moving and seperation at times.. he's in the Air Force.
The Air Force, by far, takes better care of their Airmen than any other branch of the military. They have better housing, better pay and better overall conditions.
For 90% of the people in the Air Force, basic training is the hardest they will ever have it.
He's not Special Forces, He's not a Marine grunt on the front lines .. he will NEVER be in situations like that.
If he loves you and wants to marry you than 6 months of hanging out in Saudi Arabia, with a PX, workout tent, A/C and internet access wont change that.
Tell him to save his tax free money and when he gets back he can put a ring on it.
The reality is, he IS a servicemember and for that, I have the utmost respect. I am a disabled combat veteran, I will always support anyone that serves... but lighten up.
He's going on vacation to make tax free money. Thats the reality.
WAIT ... calm down.. think clearly and will all work out.
P.S.
I dont mean to sound insensitive, so I apologize if I do.
I just want you to be clear what we're really talking about.
This is 100% spot on. He's going to Saudi, so one correction. It won't be a workout tent, he'll probably have a full out gym.0 -
I understand that ultimately it's our decision. I guess I should have known better than to post something that's contrary to what the majority of society agrees with. Silly me.
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THAT!!!!]0 -
Although you have now decided to wait, and believe me I think that's the right choice.. let me add something that may be helpful for him.
He needs to come to terms withthe career that he's chosen. Although he is in the military and there will be challenges throughout his career with moving and seperation at times.. he's in the Air Force.
The Air Force, by far, takes better care of their Airmen than any other branch of the military. They have better housing, better pay and better overall conditions.
For 90% of the people in the Air Force, basic training is the hardest they will ever have it.
He's not Special Forces, He's not a Marine grunt on the front lines .. he will NEVER be in situations like that.
If he loves you and wants to marry you than 6 months of hanging out in Saudi Arabia, with a PX, workout tent, A/C and internet access wont change that.
Tell him to save his tax free money and when he gets back he can put a ring on it.
The reality is, he IS a servicemember and for that, I have the utmost respect. I am a disabled combat veteran, I will always support anyone that serves... but lighten up.
He's going on vacation to make tax free money. Thats the reality.
WAIT ... calm down.. think clearly and will all work out.
P.S.
I dont mean to sound insensitive, so I apologize if I do.
I just want you to be clear what we're really talking about.
Well said! Especially coming from someone from the military on the side so many of us only hear about. I say, wait it out....keep in touch; if it's meant to be...that's the road that will lead you to marriage!0 -
I could not agree more with Megan's post. I married my husband five weeks after we met, he deployed five weeks later. He, too, wanted to be sure I was taken care of while he was gone. No one thought we would make it. 23 years later, we're still together. Deployment does change your service member...and it will change you too. Marriage for an active duty family is challenging, but the military marriages that last are some of the strongest ones. What ever you choose, do surround yourself with people who "get" it and can encourage you. Best wishes to you both!0
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Christ!!! Be with him at least a year before u even talk about marriage, not 2 months!! I wouldn't, definitely not! Your still getting to know him....
lololol. My fiance and I talked about marriage the very first day we met. We've been together for 3 1/2 years. Not everyone is the same.0 -
nothing wrong with it. I have known many people to do this (i live in military town). Why postpone the inevitable? many couple get married after knowing each other a short time. Age does not matter as long as you are not right out of high school.0
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I met my wife while we were both in the military and we were married after 4 months. We were married at the tender young age of 19, and were together for 7 years before she was killed on a deployment. You seem very sincere, so I am going to offer you some advice from a unique perspective.
First, do not concern yourself with how long you have known each other. That is not what matters in marriage. What matters is whether you are mature enough to make the decision to love, honor and be faithful to someone for the rest of your life.
Second, don't buy into the ridiculous notions of love that we obtain from romantic comedy movies. Erotic love is not something that just happens naturally. Lust happens naturally. Common interests sometimes happen naturally. But love is a different. It is a choice. And when you marry, you are choosing to love someone for the rest of your life. If marriage were about being "happy" or "feeling good" as the movies would have you believe, then there would be no reason to legally bind yourselves together, and to swear an oath of fidelity to each other, because you would naturally stay together and be faithful to each other as long as you are both "happy." It is the bad times, when you are angry at each other and hate each others's guts - THAT is why you take a vow. You legally bind yourself to someone and swear a vow to them because you are making a commitment to stay together even if you are NOT happy, and to work together to fix things when they go wrong, instead of selfishly pursuing your own desires.
Lastly, if you are a Christian, you should consult your spiritual leader (Pastor / Priest) in order to determine the implications of the arrangement you are considering. Most of the Protestant confessions are quite lax with regard to such things, but for Eastern Orthodox or Roman Catholic Christians there are some important procedures that must be observed with regard to the legal marriage in order to obtain the Church's blessing for an ecclesiastical marriage when he returns, which is what I presume you would want, based on your post.0 -
If you love each other and want to get married I don't see a point in postponing it. Goodluck with whatever you decide..
Lastly, if you are a Christian, you should consult your spiritual leader (Pastor / Priest) in order to determine the implications of the arrangement you are considering. Most of the Protestant confessions are quite lax with regard to such things, but for Eastern Orthodox or Roman Catholic Christians there are some important procedures that must be observed with regard to the legal marriage in order to obtain the Church's blessing for an ecclesiastical marriage when he returns, which is what I presume you would want, based on your post. <<this is a great thing to do!0 -
My brother-in-law and his wife did this. They met not long after he joined the Army. He proposed to her only a few months after they had been dating. They married before his first deployment at a courthouse. After he got back, they had a "real" wedding (June 2011).
He was deployed again last year at the mid of July after his daughter was born and came back this past Febuary. (Was supposed to be there until April but came home early due to his grandfather passing; who was the only father figure in his life.)
They are doing very well and have an amazing relationship. So if YOU and him both feel this is what you want, I say go for it.0 -
Although you have now decided to wait, and believe me I think that's the right choice.. let me add something that may be helpful for him.
He needs to come to terms withthe career that he's chosen. Although he is in the military and there will be challenges throughout his career with moving and seperation at times.. he's in the Air Force.
The Air Force, by far, takes better care of their Airmen than any other branch of the military. They have better housing, better pay and better overall conditions.
For 90% of the people in the Air Force, basic training is the hardest they will ever have it.
He's not Special Forces, He's not a Marine grunt on the front lines .. he will NEVER be in situations like that.
If he loves you and wants to marry you than 6 months of hanging out in Saudi Arabia, with a PX, workout tent, A/C and internet access wont change that.
Tell him to save his tax free money and when he gets back he can put a ring on it.
The reality is, he IS a servicemember and for that, I have the utmost respect. I am a disabled combat veteran, I will always support anyone that serves... but lighten up.
He's going on vacation to make tax free money. Thats the reality.
WAIT ... calm down.. think clearly and will all work out.
P.S.
I dont mean to sound insensitive, so I apologize if I do.
I just want you to be clear what we're really talking about.
This is 100% spot on. He's going to Saudi, so one correction. It won't be a workout tent, he'll probably have a full out gym.
I agree with this! And noting: My agreeing with this is coming from fact I married someone 3 weeks after dating (we knew each other all through high school,) I moved half way accross the country, got set up in an apartment with nothing (base housing usually has a paperwork, waiting lists, etc.) and two days later....he was gone. For nine months. I'd like to say I have no regrets becaue within a month after him leaving I found out I was pregnant. 7 years later my son is the reason why that crazy move seemed meant to be. But if I could do it differently, I would have waited with the attitude that if it's meant to be, no amount of benefits (or lack of) and no amount of time was going to change that.0 -
Sam;
It does not matter what others think, it matters what you AND your SO want.
Case in point: I met my wife when I was 17 and she was 18 in December 1971. We got married 26 July 1972. I left for the Army 29 July, 1972. Immediately after training, I went to Vietnam in December 1972. I did 21 years in the Army Infantry.
Now almost 41 years later our marriage is still very strong. We are looking forward to our first grandchild shortly. Life is really good for us. We met life’s challenges and overcame them.
So getting married young does not mean much. Getting married shortly before a deployment does not mean much. What does make it meaningful is that you are both willing to grow and change together and understand that you are both individuals who are willing to make a go at life as a team.
I do question that you are asking advice from a web site.
Look at yourself and your SO closely, ensure that this is what you really want and NEED! If it is, blow raspberries at everyone else and create your own trail.
I wish you and your SO the best of luck.
Trailtripper0 -
You are the only one who can make this decision. If your ready to get married and you think hes the one for you then why not? There are great benefits to being married to someone in the military, but those benefits mean nothing if the relationship doesn't workout when he gets back.0
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I was a military spouse for 12 years and survived various deployments. While the benefits are great, I don't think they are good enough reasons to get married. Deployments change people. Both you and him will experience changes, guaranteed. You have only been dating a few months. And while your relationship may seem solid, I think you still need some time to grow. Good luck in whatever you decide.0
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it's between you and him. if you need to ask for someone else's opinion to help you decide...don't do it. you're not ready.0
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The only reason legal marriages exists is for the rights and responsibilities of the parties involved (ie, the benefits).
The law doesn't give a rats *kitten* about love.
However, I do agree that if you are asking for the opinions of perfect strangers on the internet, you probably have some of your own nagging doubts that you should explore.0 -
Deployment was the hardest part of my husband and I's marriage I have seen many many couples fall apart cheating on both sides it also they are under a lot of stress he will be worrying about you constantly not sure if 7 months is long enough to be strong enough for this0
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I am such a romantic that I love to believe things like tis will turn out fine... In reality it usually does not. Do not fool yourself into thinking it is okay to rush into marriage for any reason other than being in love and wanting to truly be married... I married a Marine that I had known half my life right before a deployment (2 weeks before to be exact) and he left me within 3 months of returning after we had dated for 3 years prior and had been friends for close to 10 years. Do what is in your heart but keep yourself prepared and ready to handle whatever may follow... Wishing you the best!!!0
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Not a good reason to get married at all! I say don't do it. If you had been together for years and in love for years then perhaps but not after 2 months of being with someone. Yikes.0
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Everyone is different. I dont know about the whole military side of it but my parents married after knowing each other for 3 months. They will be celebrating their 49th anniversary in July.0
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Speaking as a women who has been in the military for almost 11 years, deployed myself, husband deployed twice, and seen lots of families go through the exact same situation, I think it is the worst idea ever. Every situation that I have seen like this (probably over 20) has ended in divorce. It's like putting the cart before the horse. First, both of you will be different after the deployment. Its just human nature. You may grow apart, and he will likely grow closer to the people he is deployed with because of the shared environment and experience. If you two are truly meant to be, then your relationship will make it through the deployment, and after a year or so after he gets back, you should really be able to decide on whether or not you two or in it for the long run. Nothing against you or your boyfriend, but a deployment really does a toll on a relationship, especially a new one. 80 percent of the married people I deployed with (including my husband who deployed before me) cheated while away from their spouse. When you are in a terrible environment, away from all the comforts of home, the only people you feel that you can relate to at that time are right there with you. But you are grown and entitled to do whatever, so good luck with whatever decision you make. Just don't let him pressuring you be what causes you to make a decision. Do what is best for you!0
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my opinion? divorced within 18 months
I was engaged in a month, married at 4 months. I am as happy as can be. (Of course we are a normal couple and fight, but our relationship and love is solid.)
However, I have seen a few of my girlfriends get married before their SO's deployment and it always ended badly :sad:
Deployment changes soldiers. There is nothing they can do to fight the change. Combat situations, the solitude, being in a foreign land and removed from family... my ex-husband changed into a horrible person after just his bootcamp/AIT.
I hate to give advice either way.
I think my one piece of advice is this: If he weren't deploying, would you marry him this very moment, or would you want to wait a while longer?
Financial security in the short run isn't worth a possible divorce in the future. Divorces hurt both people deeply, no matter who wants it or for what reasons. I speak from experience, being the one who left a husband for good reasons, but the one who was hurt the deepest.
I wish you all the best in your decision!!!
^This...exactly. You're one of my friends and marriage is a hard hard road. Not saying don't get married and I'm not saying you don't love each other. I'm saying think about it. Give it time and really think on it. Is it for the money or the life? Are you ok with moving every 2 years or moving to a different country? Are you ok with no being told where your husband is because you can't know? Are you up for worrying about him every second that he's gone? If it's for the money, are you ok with letting half of it go if you get a divorce? What happens if he decides he wants a divorce if you're in another country? I'm sorry but I don't think you've given it enough time.0 -
If you feel it's right, do it. Marriage means different things to different people. Having access to support and being legal next of kin are legit reasons.0
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Been there, done that. Don't do it. There is SO much potential for this to turn into a nightmare for one or both of you. If you really love each other then you can wait until he returns.0
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If you truly love each other and want to be together forever, I say do it. Your family might not understand, but this is your life. My parents married after dating for 3 months. They were married until my daddy's death, 54 years later. My daughter married her husband after 3 months of dating; he was in the navy. They've been married for almost 9 years and have a beautiful 2 year old daughter. We were concerned because we didn't know him, but I couldn't have picked a better son-in-law if I'd tried.0
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Yes, but dude isn't a soldier, he's an airman. There won't be solitude or combat. Being in a foreign land....have you ever been on an air base?
How long is the deployment? Air deployments can be as short as 90-180 days.
As a USAF veteran - I pretty much agree.
And this is KSA - not a bad deployment at all (boring and no booze - but still pretty good).
The only negative effect I had after my tour to KSA was being completely unable to handle my booze after a 6 month forced period of sobriety.
The USAF is awesome like this.
But to the OP - go with what YOU feel. I went out with my wife a couple times before I joined the service. Then we both "did our own thing" for 3 years - maybe did 5 or 6 phone calls and letters. Then we got married one time when I was home on leave. Been married 18.5 years. We might have dated a total of 10 times.
I'd probably stay off base though until he gets back - it is, IMO, easier for active duty people to deal with housing, services, etc than to try and have your new wife deal with it. Air force life is pretty easy, but it IS different than civilian life. And you'll need to get used to it - preferably while he is around to help.0
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