Getting legally married before a deployment? Opinions?
Replies
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I was engaged in training to another soldier, and we ended up being stationed at separate posts. He was supposed to deploy just before me; around the time he got back, I was supposed to deploy. The long distance relationship was too much for me; I wasn't mature enough at the time. We wanted to get married, but now I'm glad we didn't.
Right now, I'm married to a former soldier who was medically retired for severe PTSD. I will tell you, deployment changes you, and each one changes you a little bit differently. From what he tells me, when he got into the Army 10 years ago, he was not nearly as irritable and confrontational as he is now. He can't sleep properly, and he can't go out very often.
My advice? Be extremely careful. I wouldn't marry him just yet, even with all of the practical implications. When he gets home and you meet the person he becomes, re-evaluate. It's likely that you'll still love him regardless, but since the divorce rate is so high after deployment, it would be good to be certain that the two of you are suited for each other before you dive off the deep end.
If you're worried about being notified if something happens to him, get into a good relationship with his family. His parents are certain to be notified, and they'll be more likely to tell you if you've got a good relationship with them. As for the money and the health insurance, I wouldn't recommend you get into a relationship just for that. Trust me--it would end worse if the two of you divorced after his deployment than if he passed away (heaven forbid) in the middle of it and you were able to end up with all of the benefits.
Ultimately, it's your decision. Good luck.0 -
He said he’s been doing a lot of thinking and talking with other married soldiers, and he would feel a lot better if we were married when he left because:
None of the "becauses" had to do with loving you and wanting to spend the rest of his life with you. You've been dating for 2 months. I don't know that I consider you entitled to all those military benefits anyway. I think maybe he likes the idea of having a wife back home.
I agree.0 -
That helps with my point, it sounds like it's for the benefits of being deployed, and air deployments USUALLY aren't that long plus it's not a combat zone.
Deployment changes soldiers. There is nothing they can do to fight the change. Combat situations, the solitude, being in a foreign land and removed from family... my ex-husband changed into a horrible person after just his bootcamp/AIT.
Yes, but dude isn't a soldier, he's an airman. There won't be solitude or combat. Being in a foreign land....have you ever been on an air base?
How long is the deployment? Air deployments can be as short as 90-180 days.
To your point, you are right -- I am only speaking of knowledge from Army, Navy and Marines. I have only known one airman who has deployed. He was already married, his marriage is great, and his deployments are usually 3-6 months. Very short as far as deployments go. And nope, never been on an airbase, just Army.
Air bases, for the most part, are like being in American cities.0 -
DON'T DO IT. Just don't.
Don't.
He will be gone 7 months and anything can happen. Not meaning your love won't survive, it can but I've heard so many stories of men and women gettign jodied while on deployment. I have seen friends get cheated on while on deployment.
Just wait until he comes home.0 -
Ok... it sounds like you made a choice, and want us to just agree, and tell you that you are right.....possibly say it in a different voice.
Military life is hard...deployment changes you...SO are forced to change, become single parents, be alone, at the mercy of where the gov't sends them.... this will be an extreeme commitment! Dont make a rushed choice.... talk to a military couple (married at least 10years)0 -
You and your fiance have been together for such a short time. Not saying the rush marriage can't work, but really make certain you and him are on the same path in life. Religion, politics, parenting, and finances are the biggies. No detail is too little to discuss with these issues. Don't expect to be bopsie twins, but you both need to be comfortable with each other's unique perspectives.0
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i say do it. if he ends up horribly injured & dying in a ditch, his last thoughts can be that you'll be taken care of.
i can't think of a better motivation for a man to want to tie the knot.0 -
You should not let other people make your life decisions for you. This is a marriage between him and you. All that matters is the love between the two of you. Just keep in mind he will be gone for a while and the military is known for things changing and telling you at the last minute. My husband and I recently got married before he joined the Navy. We decided that we did not want to be with anybody else. We also discussed what would happen if we did get a divorce. This is an issue you must talk to him about. Do not research this topic on other forums (they have mixed feelings). Just do what your heart tells you!0
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I was reading your original post again. If you were to remove the financial reasons, the one that stuck out to me was being notified directly and being in control of medical decisions. Before deployment, he can go to JAG or any attorney and make you his Power of Attorney and Healthcare Power of Attorney. Both would leave you in charge of all his financial dealings and medical decisions until revoked.
(Just FYI)0 -
My husband and I have been married for 14 years. We met in September, started dating in October and were married in April. It's worked out for us, but I wouldn't advise it for everybody. Especially since you'll be starting marriage in about the most stressful situation you can think of. The only way it would be worse is if you were pregnant.
There are benefits to being married. There are also a lot of drawbacks, especially as the wife of a soldier. You might want to talk to a few soldier's wives and get a more balanced perspective before rushing in to this. There are also probably a variety of other options you haven't yet thought about, that would represent a compromise between getting married immediately or waiting.0 -
I knew after 6 months that my then-boyfriend was the one for me.
But long-distance relationships are hard (I know this from experience).
Long-distance relationships involving one person in the military risking life & limb on a daily basis? That's got to be a thousand times harder.
Follow your heart, but don't forget to listen to your head along the way. Be honest with yourself about your maturity, and what you can handle and what you can't.0 -
I understand that ultimately it's our decision. I guess I should have known better than to post something that's contrary to what the majority of society agrees with. Silly me.
OP, don't be overly sensitive... I don't think anyone here has said anything with any ill will towards you. You asked for opinions, and I think the majority of what people have written is very kind. Most of it isn't what you are wanting to hear -- you were really hoping to get the "Yes, do it!" answer - to help ease your worries and do what your fiancee wishes. Most of what I've read here has all been kind advice to help you look introspectively to get your answer. No one can make the decision for you -- we are here to try to raise issues you may not have thought of previously and to try to help you make the decision that only your heart can make. :flowerforyou:
I know, not trying to be overly sensitive. My apologies. Like I said, I'm just a bit overwhelmed. I'm not looking to hear things that agree. I *am* trying to hear opinions and I truly appreciate the points that everyone has brought up. I guess it's just difficult to relay how our relationship is via a post. It's feelings that are indescribable and I'm more than certain that I love him and that we will be together and last. I just feel like my family will be happy for me (cause they approve of him, and know that I am genuinely happy) but maybe disappointed since they won't be there for the actual wedding. Either way, thank you to everyone who contributed their thoughts, opinions, and stories. :flowerforyou:0 -
my opinion? divorced within 18 months
This! Are you ready for that?0 -
Ok normally I would never chime in on anythign having to do with relationships.. but in this case you're also talking fast marriage and military.
I used to be in the Army, I have deployed and I have trained all over the world.
While I understand his concern for you, I think you guys are going about it completely wrong.
He's in the Air Force.. the chances of him seeing combat are VERY low. So low that he's more likely to get killed in the states than over there.
Secondly, Air Force deployments are short. 3-6 months. That's nothing.
It must be his first deployment, because thats when people get the most nervous and tend to overreact to the situation, planning for the worst. Now dont get me wrong.. planning is important. But he needs to relax a little.
If you guys truly are in love than it can wait for his return.
Forcing a marriage due to a small deployment to a NON-combat zone doesnt make sense.
If you love him and he loves you, it wont change between now and then.
Furthermore.. the time apart will give you a chance to see if its for real.
7 months is NOT a long time, so 6 months of seperation will let you see if its for real.
This is of course.. just my opinion.
But in my tenure Ive seen hundreds of military marriages go south. Most were rushed, young and didnt understand what they were getting themselves into.
Be sure.. Being a military wife is a lifestyle. Its not for everyone.
Best of Luck
This is definitely the best answer. Forget what I said previously. Listen to someone who KNOWS!0 -
I was reading your original post again. If you were to remove the financial reasons, the one that stuck out to me was being notified directly and being in control of medical decisions. Before deployment, he can go to JAG or any attorney and make you his Power of Attorney and Healthcare Power of Attorney. Both would leave you in charge of all his financial dealings and medical decisions until revoked.
(Just FYI)
Right! This is one of the other options you could try.0 -
Thanks! That was one of the main points he stressed...but apparently he didn't do all his research! :P0
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Being married to someone in the military isn't easy. I've seen your situation happen, and the couple ends up getting divorced in a matter of a year or two. How do you know that you could handle him being away? I recommend that you wait until after he gets back to get married. If you are young, that just adds to the reason why you shouldn't. Not a good idea.0
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I was reading your original post again. If you were to remove the financial reasons, the one that stuck out to me was being notified directly and being in control of medical decisions. Before deployment, he can go to JAG or any attorney and make you his Power of Attorney and Healthcare Power of Attorney. Both would leave you in charge of all his financial dealings and medical decisions until revoked.
(Just FYI)
This is true as well. It's actually part of the required pre-deployment.0 -
Sounds like you are both manipulating each other and using the system. Disgusting.0
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I think my one piece of advice is this: If he weren't deploying, would you marry him this very moment, or would you want to wait a while longer?my opinion? divorced within 18 months
Financial security in the short run isn't worth a possible divorce in the future. Divorces hurt both people deeply, no matter who wants it or for what reasons. I speak from experience, being the one who left a husband for good reasons, but the one who was hurt the deepest.
I wish you all the best in your decision!!!
I agree with this piece of advice. Three of the attorneys in my firm practice family law and I can tell you two things: Divorce is usually terrible (so I agree with the above poster that you really should consider the possibility and factor that into your decision-making), and deployment (and even just military membership) is very, very tough on relationships...especially relatively new ones.
Either way...best of luck to you.0 -
I used to be in the Army, I have deployed and I have trained all over the world.
While I understand his concern for you, I think you guys are going about it completely wrong.
He's in the Air Force.. the chances of him seeing combat are VERY low. So low that he's more likely to get killed in the states than over there.
Secondly, Air Force deployments are short. 3-6 months. That's nothing.
The points that I was trying to make. :bigsmile:0 -
You may have known him 7 months but if you have only been in a relationship for 2 months so it sounds like you're rushing into the marriage for the benefits!
Really? My parents were married less than a year after they met...and are STILL together, even with my dad's PTSD and other assorted issues. I got engaged to my fiance after 4 months...I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him as soon as we both got serious (5th date..after 5 weeks). Every one's relationship is different and generalizing all of them doesn't help.
OP - If you really, truly love him, don't want anyone else for the rest of your life, want children with him, and are prepared to help him through adjusting when he comes back and all of life's other curve balls, then there's your answer.
I find it romantic that he wants to provide for you, even while he's overseas. Best of luck to you both! 0 -
If I had 10 bucks for every military person I know got married for all the reasons you listed and then was either cheated on or divorced by the time they came back, i'd be a thousandaire (hey I don't know THAT many military people)
I'm not trying to insult or question your commit to your relationship. You are setting yourself up for a bad time. Trust me. These kinds of marriages are stressful, unfulfilling, and often end very ugly-more so than normal. I've seen it before. But ultimately, it's your decision and strangers on the internet aren't going to sway you
Good luck!0 -
I got married without anyone there. None of my family got to see it.
I don't regret WHO I married, but I do regret missing out on the chance to include my family. A lot.
My advice would be to go get the POA that was mentioned, get engaged, and then when deployment is over, plan a wedding that includes your family.0 -
Ok normally I would never chime in on anythign having to do with relationships.. but in this case you're also talking fast marriage and military.
I used to be in the Army, I have deployed and I have trained all over the world.
While I understand his concern for you, I think you guys are going about it completely wrong.
He's in the Air Force.. the chances of him seeing combat are VERY low. So low that he's more likely to get killed in the states than over there.
Secondly, Air Force deployments are short. 3-6 months. That's nothing.
It must be his first deployment, because thats when people get the most nervous and tend to overreact to the situation, planning for the worst. Now dont get me wrong.. planning is important. But he needs to relax a little.
If you guys truly are in love than it can wait for his return.
Forcing a marriage due to a small deployment to a NON-combat zone doesnt make sense.
If you love him and he loves you, it wont change between now and then.
Furthermore.. the time apart will give you a chance to see if its for real.
7 months is NOT a long time, so 6 months of seperation will let you see if its for real.
This is of course.. just my opinion.
But in my tenure Ive seen hundreds of military marriages go south. Most were rushed, young and didnt understand what they were getting themselves into.
Be sure.. Being a military wife is a lifestyle. Its not for everyone.
Best of Luck
This.
And I wouldn't wish divorce on my worst enemy.
Wait until he gets back, sweetie. Get engaged, take the time to plan, have a great wedding next spring.0 -
Only you know the relationship so you do what's best, but just remember you will be away from him for a long time. It has to be something ya'll are both absolutely ready for. I've known my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years now and if he had asked me to marry him at 7 months I would have said no. It took me almost 3 years to realize he's the one. I learned all his pros and cons though first. It takes a long time to really get to know someone so just be sure it's what you want.0
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I never really believed the saying "you'll know when you feel it" in regards to knowing when you found the person you're supposed to be with. But I feel it. I am in love. I really don't see divorce happening. (But because him and I have excellent communication, we've discussed pros and cons of tons of different outcomes, including divorce, if ever need be)
I should also add, if we do get married before the deployment, it's not going to be a secret. Our families will know. We're not going to try to "fake" a second wedding or anything shady like that. We both greatly believe in honesty.
Just be careful. Most women who get into marriages exactly like yours didn't see divorce happening; otherwise, they wouldn't have gotten into them.
I believed I was truly in love with my first fiance. I wasn't though, and I'm glad we didn't get married.
If you wait until after his deployment, there isn't really anything you're sacrificing other than practical benefits, and you'll gain so much from waiting. It's hard for newlyweds to spend so much time away from each other early on, so if you last during this time without being married, your marriage is set for life.0 -
Sounds like you are both manipulating each other and using the system. Disgusting.
My husband got his green card based on our marriage. We've been married for 14 years and have two kids together. Love was *the* reason we got married, but we might have waited a little longer to tie the knot if the green card wasn't a factor. I'm not sure waiting would have changed anything.0 -
I got married without anyone there. None of my family got to see it.
I don't regret WHO I married, but I do regret missing out on the chance to include my family. A lot.
My advice would be to go get the POA that was mentioned, get engaged, and then when deployment is over, plan a wedding that includes your family.
^^^This too.0 -
One of the comments is that only you two can know the right answer for your situation. They are right... trust your heart. Know that marriage is not easy or a quick fix to anything. It is not a matter of how long you know each other, but how well... and how much you are willing to work and forgive as well as love... This is my love story... I hope it helps you make up your mind.
I meet my husband on a blind date on the 7th of July--2nd try because his friend got lost the first time on 4th of July. Both were in the Navy. I was not dating any one special, so my girlfriend asked me for a favor. This blind date guy and I were thrown together many times over the next two weeks, because our friends were in lust... but he hardly talked. He seemed to barely tolerate me, he was so quiet. But I knew it would only be for a couple of months at most. He was deploying to Antarctica for 13 months and was leaving to see his family the end of August.
Then I was in a car accident and needed a ride to work for a week--35 miles one way! He offered to take me and pick me up. This guy I had only known for two weeks was the most reliable person I had ever meet. He was never late; he never expected anything for his time; he never asked for a thing... He kept his promise, kept his commitment, and was just there. And we talked... A LOT! Spent time together. Really got to know what the other person was all about... Fell in "like" almost immediately.
So what happened? We got married five weeks later in a small (count 20 in attendance) religious ceremony with only a couple of my family and his friends... And then realized how lucky we were. We celebrate our 36th anniversary this August.
Has it been hard? Of course! We spent almost 14 years apart in a 30 year Navy career. We raised our children and several other people's as well. We have had financial issues and health issues at least a few times a long the line. We have not always seen eye to eye, and had some terrible arguments.
BUT the best moments of my life have also been with him. Little things have made our life together wonderful. Life is not a bowl of cherries, but I wouldn't want to do share mine with any other man... Oh... and that big ceremony every girl dreams of??? We are renewing our vows with all our friends, our children and our grandchildren with us for our 40th Anniversary! Now that is something to celebrate!0
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