Not so nice "support"

enterdanger

If this upset you enough to leave the house and go to the gym for an hour, my guess is that he noticed he upset you and will (hopefully) apologize.

If this is a one time thing, it could just be he had a bad day and is taking it out on you. If this kind of thing happens all the time....well. You can't change anyone else's behavior. You can only change yourself.

runnrchic

Talk to a marriage counselor. No one deserves to put up with that.

snowflake954

beckajo82 wrote: »

MireyGal76 wrote: »

MireyGal76 wrote: »

beckajo82 wrote: »

These comments from your husband are abusive - what he said was nasty and uncalled for, and he needs to treat you better. I'm so sorry that he is treating you like this. If you can, tell him he's wrong and that he needs to stop with the bullying.

He said her arms were big but less cut.
He said her butt looked bugger when her waist was smaller.

Both of these statements are legitimate statements. She didn't say he called her names, or insulted her.

How are those abusive statements?

By that extension...if his statements were abusive... Then Her calling him skinny fat would also be such.

By legitimate, I mean in terms of the fact that yes, a butt does look bigger when a waist is smaller, and yes... arms look bigger but less cut as body fat % increases.

Not knowing the OP, I do not know if these are accurate statements as they relate to her now, versus how she was before.

He also made his nasty crack about food, 'can't even believe those made it home'....and if your partner is.reducing you to tears through nasty comments on things they know you're vulnerable.about, it *is* abusive.

I'm really horrified at some of the people commenting here about how 'oh it wasn't even about you, he was probably just mad at something and took it out on you since he knew you were vulnerable.' How toxic. It's not okay to make your partner feel bad about themselves and break them down emotionally, for any reason.

Nobody said it was OK---some of us (that have been married a long time) said that's what it could be. People are the way they are. You have to figure them out if you want to live with them. If not, find the door.

alaynavee

Hmmm, OP has never been back to comment on the responses to her post - now I'm thinking we were trolled.

jlhudsons

You have lost 47 pounds and he said that? Sounds like something my EX-husband would say!

sandra871

You have really worked hard and there is nothing he can say that can take away your success. He is probably feeling very insecure and unfortunately some people will harm your self esteem trying to feel better about themselves. I explain to my bootcamp friends all the time, when you make changes - even positive - it takes folks time to catch up and accept the "new" you. I don't believe they mean any harm really, it's just they have to deal with their own insecurities and lack of self esteem. I would really consider just telling him the truth, he hurt your feelings. Now the question is why? I would try to have a warm heart to heart.
- Congratulations and I wish you the best! Don't quit!
-

pineapple_peach10

Congrats on your loss!

Maybe your large loss is hard on him in some way? Maybe he feels insecure and scared that you might grow apart now that you are living a healthy lifestyle?

ahoy_m8

I have so much room for improvement on this. But whenever i get really mad, I try to fill in these blanks: "When you X, I feel Y."
X=an action verb, as descriptive and fact based as possible, e.g. "intentionally deceive me," "share confidential information beind my back," "criticize my appearance"
Y=the emotion that gives rise to anger/frustration, e.g. "Hurt," "betrayed," "belittled," "unwanted"

X Can be difficult. Sometimes it is really hard to pinpoint what was so bad about it. I might realize a harmless remark triggered a harmful memory. I might be reacting to an older, deeper wound.
Y is hard, too. Anger is like the tip of an iceberg. There are always bigger more powerful emotions below the surface. We like to hide behind the anger.

The point is, in any relationship you care about, you have to let people know when they cross a boundary (X). When I look at my family(3 teenage girls), 90% of the time, no one was trying to hurt anyone; they were just oblivious to the consequences of their selfish actions/thoughtless comments. Letting the offender know creates the opportunity for remorse and a heartfelt apology. It's not a guarantee, of course, but the offender may not know, consciously, that he's crossed a line and how it feels to you unless you tell him.

Sorry for the book length post. You look great.

Markdjones83

Sounds like an a-hole from what I read. No reason to put your spouse down.

EDIT: It looks like you had been criticizing him as well.

It sounds like you 2 need to talk about an underlying issue. You don't think he is fit and calling him out probably hurts his feelings. If you feel it is important, I htink you should let him know.

marissafit06

britishbroccoli wrote: »

He could be trying to support you, the way you supported him to stop being skinny fat.

He could be trying to bring down your ego because you've been more successful than him.

He could be trying to put you down so that he won't lose you to a hotter partnet.

He could be making random observations based on an understanding that it's okay to talk about whatever.

His intent could be positive, negative, mixed, or benign. Unless you ask him and talk to him in a non-confrontational way about how his words made you feel, you'll never know.

This.

It's hard to really comment about her relationship by looking at a few random comments.

Talk to him.

SLLRunner

bstetson1 wrote: »

I lost FIFTY pounds and recently gained about five back. I have stopped logging calories but remain mindful of my eating and continue to workout (cardio and weight lifting) five days a week. I feel like the gain is likely muscle and TOM this week. I have been at maintenance since October. 5'4" and 134 lbs

Tonight my husband has made some mean spirited comments and I am about ready to explode. First he says my arm muscles are big but were more cut before. Later he said something about how my but looked larger when my middle was smaller and more defined. Apparently my but is old and flat. Even later, I went to the cabinet to make a bean burrito with non fat refried beans, wheat tortilla and low fat cheese for dinner and he said he can't believe that those even made it home. After that, I left the house and cried. I had no idea what to do so I headed for the gym for another thirty minutes of cardio.

I admit that I have been encouraging my skinny fat guy to work out with me and eat better but nothing as mean as this. I am about his health he seems to be focusing on my fat.

What gives, I am working so hard and I am actually to the point of anger over the negative comments right now.

I don't know, if my partner made comments to me like that I would take a long hard look into my relationship with him. That would be after I told him he's not allowed to make demeaning remarks to me about my body. Those kind of comments are 100% uncalled for and, in my opinion, are abusive.

I will never allow another person to quench my fitness journey.

I suggest you have a long serious talk with that man.

999tigger

Is this turning into a MEAN people thread?

flatlndr

bstetson1 wrote: »

I have been at maintenance since October. 5'4" and 134 lbs

Tonight my husband has made some mean spirited comments and I am about ready to explode. First he says my arm muscles are big but were more cut before. Later he said something about how my but looked larger when my middle was smaller and more defined.

Has your husband had his eyesight checked lately? I just peeked at your pics. You look great!

JenniferIsLosingIt

tuckerrj wrote: »

Liftng4Lis wrote: »

I would introduce him to the couch! Actually, the retorts I have right now aren't made for a public forum, so the couch!

Uh, no. He's not a child to be sent off for a time out. In 35 years of successful marriage, this hasn't happened. If you don't want to share a bed with him, YOU go sleep on the couch. Better yet, behave like an adult and tell him, "What you said hurt me. Why exactly did you say that?.... etc."

This right here ^^

jkramsey42

"My arm muscles are big but were more cut before." How is that mean-spirited? Sounds like an observation.
"My but[t] looked larger when my middle was smaller and more defined." He did not say "old," he did not say "flat," he made a then-vs-now comparison. How is THAT mean?
Sounds like you're overreacting, from what you've said here at least.
If you don't like what he's saying, TELL HIM THAT, ffs. Anonymous folks on the internet are not going to fix your relationship if you're not talking to him like a grown-up.

panda4153

So I may be on the wrong path here, but I do not see that what he said is all that bad, it sounds like good natured teasing to me. Me and my husband do that all the time, its not hurtful in anyway and we both get a good laugh, and it goes both ways. Are you sure that that you did not read more into it. You yourself said you had TOM visiting, and I know that I am crazy irritibable during that time, and everything upsets me, even when its not logical to do so.

I agree with others that you should tell him that his comments hurt, but also look at the context in which he said it, and do you do or say similar things, is that part of the nature of your relationship, and is this out of the ordinary.

rdlewis123

I too have recently lost 50 pounds and the dear hubby is a bit threatened by my change. He is quite a bit overweight himself, and chooses not to make a change at this time. I think he feels guilty that I have been able to make changes and he won't. Sometimes these feelings of insecurity come out in very ugly ways. He realizes that he may not be the only one who sees the differences and that my options may be more open to find someone else ( which I would NOT do, I already have him trained)! I agree with posts above that you should tell him that his words hurt. And keep up the habit of working off the stress at the gym rather than taking other unhealthy measures!

MaVieEntiere

What is skinny fat?

Here is a big hug! Talk to him.... not to us.

MaVieEntiere

PS - you look great and I am sure you are doing great!