True Confessions - Don't Judge
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caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
Hugs.2 -
caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
In all seriousness though you are awesome and you can do this. You deserve every good thing3 -
caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
Best wishes suga! Sorry to hear this.1 -
eccomi_qui wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
Hugs.CaptainFantastic00 wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
In all seriousness though you are awesome and you can do this. You deserve every good thingkinetixtrainer2 wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
Best wishes suga! Sorry to hear this.
Y’all are sweet. Thank you.1 -
caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
Hugs girl.
You seriously just put my life into words so I completely understand and you know where I am if you need to vent.1 -
RunHardBeStrong wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
Hugs girl.
You seriously just put my life into words so I completely understand and you know where I am if you need to vent.
I will definitely be taking you up on that.
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caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
ALL OF THIS!! I was never as smart as him, I never did anything right, I walked on eggshells DAILY, the house was never clean enough, dinner was always "off," I never looked good enough, his job was more important, explosive anger, and laundry was NEVER done fast enough!
You are definitely NOT alone!
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caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
I know unsolicited advice is always hit or miss but Ill give some anyway-
I went through this for YEARS. Enduring it is hard, thinking about it is hard, deciding to leave is hard, living with the results... So much easier.
I have three kids by my now ex- we were together for 15 years and married for 10 of that before I finally had enough. When you're younger and just beginning its easy to make excuses for everyone involved but no one deserves to be made to feel less than they are. And it eventually turned physical with us and it took me three years to finally say enough of being beat on by a big man whose physical strength first attracted me and later was used against me.
I wish you the best and I wish you strength. Prayers and hugs.3 -
caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
I don't want you to feel this way and it pains me to know you've been unhappy at home all this time. I think you deserve to be happy and I wouldn't say that to just anyone. You bring smiles and a feeling of inclusion to the people here and let the negativity slide. You're special in the best of ways. I think you have quite a few kids so making this decision would be very difficult and so many things would have to be considered. I'm going to say some prayers for you, to the Most High God, no joke. You'll get through this and never doubt it for a second - people care about you.
I haven’t been unhappy all this time. There were good times. Enough that I’ve never been able to justify leaving until now. My uncle’s funeral was this past weekend and he was a jerk the whole time. Really opened my eyes to the kind of support system I’m lacking at home.
I really appreciate your kind words, you have no idea. I respect your opinion utterly.
Oh, and I only have two kids. The way I talk about parenting it probably seems like I have twelve though
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Whybelesswhenyoucanbmore wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
I know unsolicited advice is always hit or miss but Ill give some anyway-
I went through this for YEARS. Enduring it is hard, thinking about it is hard, deciding to leave is hard, living with the results... So much easier.
I have three kids by my now ex- we were together for 15 years and married for 10 of that before I finally had enough. When you're younger and just beginning its easy to make excuses for everyone involved but no one deserves to be made to feel less than they are. And it eventually turned physical with us and it took me three years to finally say enough of being beat on by a big man whose physical strength first attracted me and later was used against me.
I wish you the best and I wish you strength. Prayers and hugs.
My goodness, you guys. All the kind messages are making all my eyes get wet. I really appreciate this, thank you.
Only being able to post every 150 seconds makes responding hard though.
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@caco_ethes
I think it is remarkably brave to come out and say these words. It hurts me for you. I have been there and reading all of the above comments makes me so sad that so many others have too. It isn't easy. Life isn't easy, but it is often times too short. Don't live those years feeling like less of a person. You are beautiful inside and out.
I am sure there will be other people who don't comment who are living this same life and I hope your post makes them think about the lives they are leading and what they are missing out on. Being single is better than being in a *kitten* up relationship. Truly.
Has it been 150 seconds yet? I just want to say that I love you. That is all. 3 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »@caco_ethes I love you so much and we're all here to support you no matter what
Love you too, I appreciate you. 0 -
caco_ethes wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
I don't want you to feel this way and it pains me to know you've been unhappy at home all this time. I think you deserve to be happy and I wouldn't say that to just anyone. You bring smiles and a feeling of inclusion to the people here and let the negativity slide. You're special in the best of ways. I think you have quite a few kids so making this decision would be very difficult and so many things would have to be considered. I'm going to say some prayers for you, to the Most High God, no joke. You'll get through this and never doubt it for a second - people care about you.
I haven’t been unhappy all this time. There were good times. Enough that I’ve never been able to justify leaving until now. My uncle’s funeral was this past weekend and he was a jerk the whole time. Really opened my eyes to the kind of support system I’m lacking at home.
I really appreciate your kind words, you have no idea. I respect your opinion utterly.
Oh, and I only have two kids. The way I talk about parenting it probably seems like I have twelve though
Thanks for clarifying. I don't know any details other than what you've shared and as you know, I'm not married myself and I don't have any kids. But seriously, you might be able to get through this together and come out the other side. I have no doubt though, that the initiator of the insensitive treatment is your husband, not you. I've seen you interacting her for a long time. You treat people as you would want to be treated.
I always make fun of the automatic knee jerk reactions when people say "seek help" or "get therapy". Part of the reason I do this way is I think most things can be problem solved without it, but in this case there are 4 people involved and sitting down with an impartial outside mediator might be a good idea.
I guess the only thing I'd say about that, if counseling were what you and your husband would try, would be to choose a psychologist whose values and beliefs are on board with your own. For me, if I were to choose a therapist, I wouldn't go with 95% of them as they are hardcore liberal/left and I'm not. I'd have to really do some intense screening to choose someone compatible with my fundamental values and beliefs plus someone that comes with the education and experience anyone would want.
I just have a feeling this might be a good next step for you before a separation, assuming you haven't already tried it before. (and maybe you have and if so, I'm sorry for overstepping - I just really want you to get through this and feel better again.)
Nothing is off the table. I’m not ruling out counseling. I feel a little cynical about it though. I left him ten years ago and we did counseling then. We got back together after he seemed to really change, but it’s been mostly rough since then.
And I appreciate you assuming the insensitive treatment is all his, but that’s not true. While I don’t openly fight with him or get under his skin intentionally, I think my personality brings out the worst in him. The calmer I am, the more furious and violent he gets. We just clash and I grit my teeth now and keep it to myself. I used to try to explain my feelings but somehow it always ended up with me apologizing to him for some reason.
And you aren’t overstepping at all. If I didn’t welcome any and all input, I wouldn’t have posted it in a public forum.
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MeeseeksAndDestroy wrote: »@caco_ethes I don't have the experience or insight to offer anything helpful but I have some good vibes and hugs for you
I’ll accept those good vibes and hugs all day. Thank you 1 -
caco_ethes wrote: »MeeseeksAndDestroy wrote: »@caco_ethes I don't have the experience or insight to offer anything helpful but I have some good vibes and hugs for you
I’ll accept those good vibes and hugs all day. Thank you
Positive vibes your way Stay strong girl. 1 -
Find_Me_Again wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »MeeseeksAndDestroy wrote: »@caco_ethes I don't have the experience or insight to offer anything helpful but I have some good vibes and hugs for you
I’ll accept those good vibes and hugs all day. Thank you
Positive vibes your way Stay strong girl.
Thank you, sweets.
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caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
I've been here. There came a day when I asked myself "is this all there is and what my life will be for years to come?" my answer "*kitten* NO"
It's not easy,.. I wish you much luck.2 -
slimgirljo15 wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
I've been here. There came a day when I asked myself "is this all there is and what my life will be for years to come?" my answer "*kitten* NO"
It's not easy,.. I wish you much luck.
Thank you.. yes for me it was the realization that I’m absolutely dreading retirement because I don’t enjoy his company at all. I don’t want to live like this and let my kids think it’s okay to let someone else dictate your happiness.2 -
caco_ethes wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
I don't want you to feel this way and it pains me to know you've been unhappy at home all this time. I think you deserve to be happy and I wouldn't say that to just anyone. You bring smiles and a feeling of inclusion to the people here and let the negativity slide. You're special in the best of ways. I think you have quite a few kids so making this decision would be very difficult and so many things would have to be considered. I'm going to say some prayers for you, to the Most High God, no joke. You'll get through this and never doubt it for a second - people care about you.
I haven’t been unhappy all this time. There were good times. Enough that I’ve never been able to justify leaving until now. My uncle’s funeral was this past weekend and he was a jerk the whole time. Really opened my eyes to the kind of support system I’m lacking at home.
I really appreciate your kind words, you have no idea. I respect your opinion utterly.
Oh, and I only have two kids. The way I talk about parenting it probably seems like I have twelve though
Thanks for clarifying. I don't know any details other than what you've shared and as you know, I'm not married myself and I don't have any kids. But seriously, you might be able to get through this together and come out the other side. I have no doubt though, that the initiator of the insensitive treatment is your husband, not you. I've seen you interacting her for a long time. You treat people as you would want to be treated.
I always make fun of the automatic knee jerk reactions when people say "seek help" or "get therapy". Part of the reason I do this way is I think most things can be problem solved without it, but in this case there are 4 people involved and sitting down with an impartial outside mediator might be a good idea.
I guess the only thing I'd say about that, if counseling were what you and your husband would try, would be to choose a psychologist whose values and beliefs are on board with your own. For me, if I were to choose a therapist, I wouldn't go with 95% of them as they are hardcore liberal/left and I'm not. I'd have to really do some intense screening to choose someone compatible with my fundamental values and beliefs plus someone that comes with the education and experience anyone would want.
I just have a feeling this might be a good next step for you before a separation, assuming you haven't already tried it before. (and maybe you have and if so, I'm sorry for overstepping - I just really want you to get through this and feel better again.)
Nothing is off the table. I’m not ruling out counseling. I feel a little cynical about it though. I left him ten years ago and we did counseling then. We got back together after he seemed to really change, but it’s been mostly rough since then.
And I appreciate you assuming the insensitive treatment is all his, but that’s not true. While I don’t openly fight with him or get under his skin intentionally, I think my personality brings out the worst in him. The calmer I am, the more furious and violent he gets. We just clash and I grit my teeth now and keep it to myself. I used to try to explain my feelings but somehow it always ended up with me apologizing to him for some reason.
And you aren’t overstepping at all. If I didn’t welcome any and all input, I wouldn’t have posted it in a public forum.
How f*cking dare anyone be violent with you. Especially your husband and father of your children who should be willing to lay down his life to make sure no harm comes to you. I'd say more about how I feel about this but I'll be banned so I'm going to have to shut up now.
I'll just say this.
My last common law was the violent type and I got the hell away from him 22 years ago and haven't had any romantic relationships since. Because it left such a putrid taste in my mouth to even remember letting my guard down, which is something - as a result of his physical and psychological violence - that I'll probably never be able to do again.
There are no second chances when it comes to this kind of thing. It took me 7 years to realize this and those years stretched out like a life sentence. I'm free.
I feel like I should specify that his violence is not taken out on me but on inanimate objects. He has broken a number of things around our house, but they are a constant reminder of how he uses his strength to get me to comply without actually laying a finger on me. And the fear he strikes in me and the kids when he’s acting out of control.. it’s psychological violence definitely.
But I agree.. this is the same man who put his fist through a windshield because I challenged him on something and he couldn’t handle the ‘backtalk’ early on in our marriage. It isn’t like he changed from a loving man I once knew into a stranger. I just missed the warning signs early on, or I chose to ignore them.2
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