True Confessions - Don't Judge
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caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
I’m sorry that you’ve dealt with this kind of home life for so long. I can relate to this far too much (yes, men can go through this too, although it’s rarely talked about). 8 years and 2 kids later, I couldn’t live with the emptiness and uselessness I was made to feel anymore, and had to leave.... there is a life out there out from under the thumb of tyrants.4 -
_Deadman_Walking_ wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
I’m sorry that you’ve dealt with this kind of home life for so long. I can relate to this far too much (yes, men can go through this too, although it’s rarely talked about). 8 years and 2 kids later, I couldn’t live with the emptiness and uselessness I was made to feel anymore, and had to leave.... there is a life out there out from under the thumb of tyrants.
This gives me a new appreciation for the pics I’ve seen of you and your family. I’m glad you’re happy at home now. Thanks for sharing, S.
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caco_ethes wrote: »slimgirljo15 wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
I've been here. There came a day when I asked myself "is this all there is and what my life will be for years to come?" my answer "*kitten* NO"
It's not easy,.. I wish you much luck.
Thank you.. yes for me it was the realization that I’m absolutely dreading retirement because I don’t enjoy his company at all. I don’t want to live like this and let my kids think it’s okay to let someone else dictate your happiness.
Exactly, I had 4 children, ages 7 to 12 at the time. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I did the best thing for us all. It was like a breath of fresh air to not have that negativity drowning us.2 -
My ex-husband is the type of guy who used his voice and his size against me. I have been run after, I have been cornered in a bathroom and yelled at in front of our daughter, all because he knew that his strength and his volume had an effect on me.
We have now been divorced for quite a few years, and I feel like I know him better now than I ever did before.
He had a rough-go growing up, and came into our marriage as someone who was, I guess, not quite ready to be married?
We’ve been divorced for a few years, and he hasn’t even dated anyone during this time. I don’t know that he ever will. I think he is the type of person who will be forever happy on his own.5 -
@caco_ethes I'm sorry you were made to feel this way, you are definitely one of the more thoughtful people I've encountered on here and deserve to be treated as such
Sending strength 2 -
caco_ethes wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
I don't want you to feel this way and it pains me to know you've been unhappy at home all this time. I think you deserve to be happy and I wouldn't say that to just anyone. You bring smiles and a feeling of inclusion to the people here and let the negativity slide. You're special in the best of ways. I think you have quite a few kids so making this decision would be very difficult and so many things would have to be considered. I'm going to say some prayers for you, to the Most High God, no joke. You'll get through this and never doubt it for a second - people care about you.
I haven’t been unhappy all this time. There were good times. Enough that I’ve never been able to justify leaving until now. My uncle’s funeral was this past weekend and he was a jerk the whole time. Really opened my eyes to the kind of support system I’m lacking at home.
I really appreciate your kind words, you have no idea. I respect your opinion utterly.
Oh, and I only have two kids. The way I talk about parenting it probably seems like I have twelve though
Thanks for clarifying. I don't know any details other than what you've shared and as you know, I'm not married myself and I don't have any kids. But seriously, you might be able to get through this together and come out the other side. I have no doubt though, that the initiator of the insensitive treatment is your husband, not you. I've seen you interacting her for a long time. You treat people as you would want to be treated.
I always make fun of the automatic knee jerk reactions when people say "seek help" or "get therapy". Part of the reason I do this way is I think most things can be problem solved without it, but in this case there are 4 people involved and sitting down with an impartial outside mediator might be a good idea.
I guess the only thing I'd say about that, if counseling were what you and your husband would try, would be to choose a psychologist whose values and beliefs are on board with your own. For me, if I were to choose a therapist, I wouldn't go with 95% of them as they are hardcore liberal/left and I'm not. I'd have to really do some intense screening to choose someone compatible with my fundamental values and beliefs plus someone that comes with the education and experience anyone would want.
I just have a feeling this might be a good next step for you before a separation, assuming you haven't already tried it before. (and maybe you have and if so, I'm sorry for overstepping - I just really want you to get through this and feel better again.)
Nothing is off the table. I’m not ruling out counseling. I feel a little cynical about it though. I left him ten years ago and we did counseling then. We got back together after he seemed to really change, but it’s been mostly rough since then.
And I appreciate you assuming the insensitive treatment is all his, but that’s not true. While I don’t openly fight with him or get under his skin intentionally, I think my personality brings out the worst in him. The calmer I am, the more furious and violent he gets. We just clash and I grit my teeth now and keep it to myself. I used to try to explain my feelings but somehow it always ended up with me apologizing to him for some reason.
And you aren’t overstepping at all. If I didn’t welcome any and all input, I wouldn’t have posted it in a public forum.
How f*cking dare anyone be violent with you. Especially your husband and father of your children who should be willing to lay down his life to make sure no harm comes to you. I'd say more about how I feel about this but I'll be banned so I'm going to have to shut up now.
I'll just say this.
My last common law was the violent type and I got the hell away from him 22 years ago and haven't had any romantic relationships since. Because it left such a putrid taste in my mouth to even remember letting my guard down, which is something - as a result of his physical and psychological violence - that I'll probably never be able to do again.
There are no second chances when it comes to this kind of thing. It took me 7 years to realize this and those years stretched out like a life sentence. I'm free.
I feel like I should specify that his violence is not taken out on me but on inanimate objects. He has broken a number of things around our house, but they are a constant reminder of how he uses his strength to get me to comply without actually laying a finger on me. And the fear he strikes in me and the kids when he’s acting out of control.. it’s psychological violence definitely.
But I agree.. this is the same man who put his fist through a windshield because I challenged him on something and he couldn’t handle the ‘backtalk’ early on in our marriage. It isn’t like he changed from a loving man I once knew into a stranger. I just missed the warning signs early on, or I chose to ignore them.
I hear you. That's brute physical intimidation though and I remember it well. Punching walls, throwing heavy plastic objects with full force so they'd whiz by me and miss me by an inch, backing me up against a wall and lightly putting his hands around my throat without squeezing or throttling just to let me know what could happen some day if I don't learn to keep my big mouth shut. I was never bruised or physically injured in those years. I just had to be scared all the time and sleep with one eye open when he'd spent the evening tantruming.
I know you've been with your husband for over 10 years and he's (probably) never actually struck you. But for lack of a better term, the guy has serious anger issues, as you're well aware. And again for lack of a better word to use, that is, indeed, toxic. Sorry for using these pop psychology euphemisms as I hate to do that, but in this case I can't think of any other way to describe it.
I know he's your husband and part of you still loves him and you'll probably always feel that way. I'm sure he has some good and attractive qualities, some courage when he wants to and some strength.
But if he were standing in front of me right now, I'd confront him with what he's done to you and challenge him to have a fist fight on the spot. And contrary to what's rumored, I'm not a man and have never been. I'm a five foot five woman by biology and spirit, with an ultra feminine demeanor in real life. On the inside, I'm very alpha, and that comes out very clearly when I communicate online. It would shame him to be confronted in this way and of course he wouldn't take me up on the offer.
I love how protective you are and how much you care. I just love you, as you well know.
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Clever_User_Name wrote: »Soul_Radiation wrote: »Clever_User_Name wrote: »I confess that I've been sober for almost four years and I feel really guilty that I'm enjoying the buzz I'm getting from these meds I got for my back last night. That scares me. Real talk.
I hope your back is OK...that's serious business and definitely how a lot of people start getting into real trouble.
You might consider asking if prescription level NSAIDS like ibuprofen are reasonable with your doctor given your situation...let them know your story.
Maybe prednisone is an option. You definitely don't want to get hooked on opiates.
This has happened twice before and in both cases, I still had pills left to flush down the toilet. This is just the first time since I've been sober and I kind of miss that slightly off feeling. That's what I'm guilty about. As soon as I don't need them to function, they're gone.
Good on you for chucking them when they’re no longer needed. That’s hard to do.1 -
Soul_Radiation wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
Spouses can really be cruel because they consider you for granted...can become self-centered to a shockingly bad degree.
I suggest shaking the tree a little. Or a lot. Just think things all the way through if you can, and when you act try not to let it be in an angry moment.
I'm sorry. I wish you the best.
I do feel like he has serially taken me for granted. I often wonder if I’m doing the same. We are both rather selfish people, especially with our time. We spend very little time communicating.
My sister give the same advice. I would never purposely provoke him but I have lots of standing my ground I could do. I’ve always been a very passive ‘peacemaker’ kind of person. I default to the squeaky wheel so the conflict will be over. But it may just command some respect if I quit rolling over.1 -
caco_ethes wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
I don't want you to feel this way and it pains me to know you've been unhappy at home all this time. I think you deserve to be happy and I wouldn't say that to just anyone. You bring smiles and a feeling of inclusion to the people here and let the negativity slide. You're special in the best of ways. I think you have quite a few kids so making this decision would be very difficult and so many things would have to be considered. I'm going to say some prayers for you, to the Most High God, no joke. You'll get through this and never doubt it for a second - people care about you.
I haven’t been unhappy all this time. There were good times. Enough that I’ve never been able to justify leaving until now. My uncle’s funeral was this past weekend and he was a jerk the whole time. Really opened my eyes to the kind of support system I’m lacking at home.
I really appreciate your kind words, you have no idea. I respect your opinion utterly.
Oh, and I only have two kids. The way I talk about parenting it probably seems like I have twelve though
Thanks for clarifying. I don't know any details other than what you've shared and as you know, I'm not married myself and I don't have any kids. But seriously, you might be able to get through this together and come out the other side. I have no doubt though, that the initiator of the insensitive treatment is your husband, not you. I've seen you interacting her for a long time. You treat people as you would want to be treated.
I always make fun of the automatic knee jerk reactions when people say "seek help" or "get therapy". Part of the reason I do this way is I think most things can be problem solved without it, but in this case there are 4 people involved and sitting down with an impartial outside mediator might be a good idea.
I guess the only thing I'd say about that, if counseling were what you and your husband would try, would be to choose a psychologist whose values and beliefs are on board with your own. For me, if I were to choose a therapist, I wouldn't go with 95% of them as they are hardcore liberal/left and I'm not. I'd have to really do some intense screening to choose someone compatible with my fundamental values and beliefs plus someone that comes with the education and experience anyone would want.
I just have a feeling this might be a good next step for you before a separation, assuming you haven't already tried it before. (and maybe you have and if so, I'm sorry for overstepping - I just really want you to get through this and feel better again.)
Nothing is off the table. I’m not ruling out counseling. I feel a little cynical about it though. I left him ten years ago and we did counseling then. We got back together after he seemed to really change, but it’s been mostly rough since then.
And I appreciate you assuming the insensitive treatment is all his, but that’s not true. While I don’t openly fight with him or get under his skin intentionally, I think my personality brings out the worst in him. The calmer I am, the more furious and violent he gets. We just clash and I grit my teeth now and keep it to myself. I used to try to explain my feelings but somehow it always ended up with me apologizing to him for some reason.
And you aren’t overstepping at all. If I didn’t welcome any and all input, I wouldn’t have posted it in a public forum.
How f*cking dare anyone be violent with you. Especially your husband and father of your children who should be willing to lay down his life to make sure no harm comes to you. I'd say more about how I feel about this but I'll be banned so I'm going to have to shut up now.
I'll just say this.
My last common law was the violent type and I got the hell away from him 22 years ago and haven't had any romantic relationships since. Because it left such a putrid taste in my mouth to even remember letting my guard down, which is something - as a result of his physical and psychological violence - that I'll probably never be able to do again.
There are no second chances when it comes to this kind of thing. It took me 7 years to realize this and those years stretched out like a life sentence. I'm free.
I feel like I should specify that his violence is not taken out on me but on inanimate objects. He has broken a number of things around our house, but they are a constant reminder of how he uses his strength to get me to comply without actually laying a finger on me. And the fear he strikes in me and the kids when he’s acting out of control.. it’s psychological violence definitely.
But I agree.. this is the same man who put his fist through a windshield because I challenged him on something and he couldn’t handle the ‘backtalk’ early on in our marriage. It isn’t like he changed from a loving man I once knew into a stranger. I just missed the warning signs early on, or I chose to ignore them.
To whoever "wooed" this. Have the courage to speak your piece respectfully, using logic and reason, if you refute what she's saying here. Instead of anonymously dropping an insulting emoticon, which disparages the conversation, and explains nothing.
I took it as a supportive woo. Like when someone posts on Facebook that their dog was taken and people post the angry face reaction.
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@caco_ethes, you are such a wonderful person and deserve better.
All I can offer is that being single and being lonely because you are alone is far better than being in a relationship and feeling lonely.
And your kids will get it, even if not at first. My parents divorced when I was young and I wished they would get back together, but one day it just dawned on me that they were unhappy together and the fighting made me unhappy too.4 -
@caco_ethes, you are such a wonderful person and deserve better.
All I can offer is that being single and being lonely because you are alone is far better than being in a relationship and feeling lonely.
And your kids will get it, even if not at first. My parents divorced when I was young and I wished they would get back together, but one day it just dawned on me that they were unhappy together and the fighting made me unhappy too.Moon_Stone wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
I don’t know you and have never interacted with you, but I respect you highly for this post. You deserve to be loved, adored, respected, desired and have a partner who makes you feel secure, not fearful. Whatever you decide, know that you’re strong, deserve to be loved and respected. Your children deserve to see their mother happy and to be treated kindly and lovingly. Two happy homes are better than one miserable one. I wish you the best and you have a beautiful sense of humor. I’ve seen you posts lots of time and I’m glad you’re here in this community.
So many thoughtful posts! I appreciate it so much, you all are the best. You know how to make a girl feel loved! 1 -
@caco_ethes Contemplating ending something can be more scary than acting on a decision once you've made up your mind. Hugs.
With counseling, it will be much, much more effective if you find someone that is a good fit for both you and your husband. That can take some time and a fair amount of hopping therapists. Also, if you decide to separate and/or divorce, do a few sessions after reaching that decision. It's really helpful in establishing a respectful and positive co-parenting relationship. All of this is from my personal experience, hope it's a smidge helpful.1 -
@caco_ethes I just want to add my support to everyone else's. I have been exactly there. In my case the fear of staying became greater than the fear of leaving. Please don't let it get to that point. I am here if you need another ear (or eye on this case)2
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Soul_Radiation wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »Soul_Radiation wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
Spouses can really be cruel because they consider you for granted...can become self-centered to a shockingly bad degree.
I suggest shaking the tree a little. Or a lot. Just think things all the way through if you can, and when you act try not to let it be in an angry moment.
I'm sorry. I wish you the best.
I do feel like he has serially taken me for granted. I often wonder if I’m doing the same. We are both rather selfish people, especially with our time. We spend very little time communicating.
My sister give the same advice. I would never purposely provoke him but I have lots of standing my ground I could do. I’ve always been a very passive ‘peacemaker’ kind of person. I default to the squeaky wheel so the conflict will be over. But it may just command some respect if I quit rolling over.
It's really hard to stand up for yourself sometimes. Especially if you have already taken on a role as the peacemaker or if you have kids. I'm the peacemaker. Arguments affect them in a negative way...make them very anxious. And that puts me in a difficult position when tensions are high as it's my responsibility to keep things together...nobody else will do it.
Build up your inner strength and self-esteem. I don't suggest starting arguments with "shaking the tree"...more like, try to figure out perhaps why he has become that way.
There's good things about him. That's why you're together. Even some really awful things could be fixable, but you have to at least try to figure out what they are imo or perhaps nothing will ever change.
It's such a miserable feeling...but keep your chin up and never become defeated.
You are always stronger than you think and when you really need it your strength will be there for you.
Frank discissions, counseling for yourself or together...good ideas imo.
Do your best to control your temper and think about how to improve your situation. I'm overly sensitive and when upset it's quite hard to be rational...perhaps it's not the best but I find exercise a better outlet than just bitter arguing...that accomplishes very little except producing two upset people.
If you get trapped in a heated argument...I don't think it's unreasonable to assert, "let's please discuss this in an hour...I would like to go for a walk and let's settle down"
I love you1 -
CaptainFantastic00 wrote: »Soul_Radiation wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »Soul_Radiation wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
Spouses can really be cruel because they consider you for granted...can become self-centered to a shockingly bad degree.
I suggest shaking the tree a little. Or a lot. Just think things all the way through if you can, and when you act try not to let it be in an angry moment.
I'm sorry. I wish you the best.
I do feel like he has serially taken me for granted. I often wonder if I’m doing the same. We are both rather selfish people, especially with our time. We spend very little time communicating.
My sister give the same advice. I would never purposely provoke him but I have lots of standing my ground I could do. I’ve always been a very passive ‘peacemaker’ kind of person. I default to the squeaky wheel so the conflict will be over. But it may just command some respect if I quit rolling over.
It's really hard to stand up for yourself sometimes. Especially if you have already taken on a role as the peacemaker or if you have kids. I'm the peacemaker. Arguments affect them in a negative way...make them very anxious. And that puts me in a difficult position when tensions are high as it's my responsibility to keep things together...nobody else will do it.
Build up your inner strength and self-esteem. I don't suggest starting arguments with "shaking the tree"...more like, try to figure out perhaps why he has become that way.
There's good things about him. That's why you're together. Even some really awful things could be fixable, but you have to at least try to figure out what they are imo or perhaps nothing will ever change.
It's such a miserable feeling...but keep your chin up and never become defeated.
You are always stronger than you think and when you really need it your strength will be there for you.
Frank discissions, counseling for yourself or together...good ideas imo.
Do your best to control your temper and think about how to improve your situation. I'm overly sensitive and when upset it's quite hard to be rational...perhaps it's not the best but I find exercise a better outlet than just bitter arguing...that accomplishes very little except producing two upset people.
If you get trapped in a heated argument...I don't think it's unreasonable to assert, "let's please discuss this in an hour...I would like to go for a walk and let's settle down"
I love you
This. All of this. I needed this. So badly.
Thank you. Everyone of you that’s responded1 -
Merrysailor5 wrote: »CaptainFantastic00 wrote: »Soul_Radiation wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »Soul_Radiation wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I confess that for the first time in 14 years, I’m considering everything that might happen if I move out and don’t live with my husband anymore. I’m beginning to see quite clearly how much I have kept quiet about what I want or need so as to not put him out. He makes me feel stupid constantly. He pays zero attention to me or the kids when he’s home unless it’s to spray us with his bad mood. He does what he wants when he wants but still hangs on to 1950s expectations of me. He doesn’t do any cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or laundry. If the kids are naughty he blames me. He’s cold and vindictive and hates my family. His moodiness sets the tone for every family thing we do. His temper can be very explosive and scary.
I literally have no idea why I’ve made excuses for him for so long. And now that I feel this way, I can’t shut my brain off.
Welp, there’s my first serious post ever. Feels good to unload all that.
Spouses can really be cruel because they consider you for granted...can become self-centered to a shockingly bad degree.
I suggest shaking the tree a little. Or a lot. Just think things all the way through if you can, and when you act try not to let it be in an angry moment.
I'm sorry. I wish you the best.
I do feel like he has serially taken me for granted. I often wonder if I’m doing the same. We are both rather selfish people, especially with our time. We spend very little time communicating.
My sister give the same advice. I would never purposely provoke him but I have lots of standing my ground I could do. I’ve always been a very passive ‘peacemaker’ kind of person. I default to the squeaky wheel so the conflict will be over. But it may just command some respect if I quit rolling over.
It's really hard to stand up for yourself sometimes. Especially if you have already taken on a role as the peacemaker or if you have kids. I'm the peacemaker. Arguments affect them in a negative way...make them very anxious. And that puts me in a difficult position when tensions are high as it's my responsibility to keep things together...nobody else will do it.
Build up your inner strength and self-esteem. I don't suggest starting arguments with "shaking the tree"...more like, try to figure out perhaps why he has become that way.
There's good things about him. That's why you're together. Even some really awful things could be fixable, but you have to at least try to figure out what they are imo or perhaps nothing will ever change.
It's such a miserable feeling...but keep your chin up and never become defeated.
You are always stronger than you think and when you really need it your strength will be there for you.
Frank discissions, counseling for yourself or together...good ideas imo.
Do your best to control your temper and think about how to improve your situation. I'm overly sensitive and when upset it's quite hard to be rational...perhaps it's not the best but I find exercise a better outlet than just bitter arguing...that accomplishes very little except producing two upset people.
If you get trapped in a heated argument...I don't think it's unreasonable to assert, "let's please discuss this in an hour...I would like to go for a walk and let's settle down"
I love you
This. All of this. I needed this. So badly.
Thank you. Everyone of you that’s responded
she has nice eyes0
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