"You're really pretty, but...
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I recently got this:
"You were an ugly fkr 20 lbs heavier and you're an ugly fkr 20 lbs lighter."
I was soooo flattered that they noticed I lost weight!0 -
I remember Christmas one year when I was in high school. As all my family was leaving and my granddad was starting to clean, he asked my mom if she would like to take a plate of desserts home. She declined, and he said "Yeah, that's probably a good idea, Kaitlin seems to be putting on some weight."
I was mortified. I was 17. I was 5'5". And I weighed 140 lbs. Could I have lost a few and been okay? Sure. Was I overweight? No!
The thing was, I HAD gained some weight recently. However, that was because I was on a new type of birth control, and that was a side effect. Prior to starting that, I had been too thin, like 110 pounds, sometimes as low as 100. So yes, I had put on a significant amount of weight, but I had needed to gain a little anyway, and my BMI was still under 25.
He harps on everyone's weight though. He still mentions mine on occasion, as well as my mom's and all my aunts and uncles. He did it too my boyfriend recently. He gained a few pounds over the winter, and has recently lost most of it. He said to my boyfriend at a recent family cookout: "I see you lost some weight! That's a good start. I noticed that Kaitlin had been feeding you well, too."
Some people are just like that. It's pretty rude. It's usually not a good idea to give unsolicited advice at all, about anything. If people want advice, they'll ask for it. If they don't, then whatever you were thinking of giving them advice on is not your business, nor is it your place. There are some exceptions to this, but if you were in one of those situations, it would be obvious.0 -
But why does thinner have to equate to prettier?
Because it just does. I accepted that reality a long long time ago. But, maybe it's because people very very rarely tell me I would be pretty/prettier if I lost weight. And I am thinking that losing weight really won't make me look prettier in the face in any case and I am ok with that.
I still don't know what to say to all the pretty/beautiful people here that I do think will be even more so when they lose weight. Are people supposed to think/say that their looks haven't improved at all? I actually wouldn't care so much, but I know a few people IRL that are gorgeous, but being bigger does take away some of that. So, I just keep saying well you are looking a lot more fit when I see them.0 -
none of my friends or family would dare say anything like that to me. they know I would go off on them. if you are a b*tch to me, I'm gonna be one to you! IDC who you are .0
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I was saying in another post how my neighbor told me "You were pretty before you lost some weight, but now you really are pretty". I am sure he didn't mean to be an a$$hat, but I didn't know whether to say thank you or F you.
So would you rather your neighbor to say "You were ugly before and now you're pretty"?
Or not say anything at all? And then, you'll comment on how people never acknowledge your weight loss or just don't care.0 -
I was told once by a step mother "you're pretty but you were a knock out before you gained weight". I said gee thanks. My kids were there and said OMG how rude!!! She was like what? what? Thing is she's twice as big as I ever was and keeps getting bigger and bigger and she was never pretty inside or out. So we figured she's just a miserable person. Needless to say our kids want nothing to do with her and won't see their gpop because of her and all her rude remarks. Their words... he married her so he has to put up with her not us. If he wants to see them he has to meet them somewhere or come over here WITHOUT her.
Husband says she has diarrhea of the mouth lol0 -
Does it bother you or what? Kind of random, but I'm just curious as to MFP's thoughts.
It's not random, it's very common, there are a million threads on this subject.0 -
Yes I know how you feel. This one guy I like told his friend "shes pretty, but can use a few salads."
I was heart broken0 -
I've never had anything like that yet but I would be mortified. Even if people are like omg you've lost so much weight you look amazing!! That irks me a bit and makes me feel like 'didn't I look nice before then?' Hahah
FFS
Then there are the posts of how no one has noticed they've lost weight because no one has said anything to them about it.
What on earth are we supposed to do, mind read who wants what said to them???!0 -
I hate it when people are like "you lost so much weight, you look great!!" I know they mean well but they didn't tell me I looked great before I lost the weight... F off.
I hate compliments. People giving compliments suck. What we all need is more haters.
Yeah, who needs compliments.....0 -
People who are offended by comments like "you're prettier now" or "you're pretty but you'll be prettier if you go to the gym" needs to get over themselves. Your love ones/friends are trying to be nice, but apparently they can never win.
They offend you if they say that.
They offend you if they don't say anything (boohoo, why does anybody care about my weight loss?)
They offend you if they say "you'll be prettier if you lose a few pounds" (boohoo, why does he wants me to lose weight? He thinks I'm fat and not pretty enough?)
They offend you if they say "you're pretty like you are, don't change" (and then, the same people starts thread on MFP saying "my boyfriend isn't supportive! He doesn't want me to lose weight. Boohoo! ")0 -
I hate it when people are like "you lost so much weight, you look great!!" I know they mean well but they didn't tell me I looked great before I lost the weight... F off.
You would have preferred people to lie to you instead and tell you you looked great if they thought you didn't?0 -
Omg my Grandmother told me a few months ago "you have such a beautiful face and I want the rest of you to look the same".Well I feel it defeats the compliment entirely and unless asked for the honest truth or a doctor...I wouldn't speak of someone else's appearance.0
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But why does thinner have to equate to prettier?
Because their opinion is that not as much fat is prettier, and somewhere inside yourself you also probably think so, and it makes you feel bad. You are recognizing you need to lose weight after all, you are here
Whether or not someone should give you their opinion is a different issue, but I think most of the time, idiots or not, they are trying to compliment and say something positive. In fact family mostly thinks they are "helping" in some way, as if you didnt already know you were overweight. Stupid, but I find it helps to realize where they are coming from.
I do know how it feels too, I was told the male version by relatives growing up: "you are really handsome, if you just lost some weight all the girls would be after you" But how it feels in the end is how you let it affect you.
Really, think of the alternative: nobody is ever allowed to comment on anyone unless its "you are the most attractive in the world"? I'd rather have real compliments with partial bonehead ones than false comments. And if weight didnt matter to the person and you were "more pretty" now, half the girls would turn it around and say "you like me fat?!?!" You cant win with compliments as a complimentor, but you can take the compliment in a way that "wins" for you
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It doesn't bother me, it's useless to live my life concerned with what others think of my looks
Good for you! You're right, it is useless; but most of us still feel a pang when the message "You're not acceptable the way you are" is glaring us in the face.0 -
I am annoyed with "You have such a pretty face," and comments like it, but I hope I won't be annoyed if people tell me I look great after losing weight. My main reason for wanting to lose weight is health, but looking better will be nice as well!
This is a good topic... I'm glad you brought it up. 0 -
Okay, just one more comment from me...
My sister-in-law (husband's sister) told him he better watch out because once I lost the weight I would probably find someone better. That was insulting on SO MANY levels!! I know she was trying to be funny and even encouraging to me, but that one got to me. What a silly thing for her to say!
By the way, I couldn't have a better husband. There was no settling for what I could get because of my weight!
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People who are offended by comments like "you're prettier now" or "you're pretty but you'll be prettier if you go to the gym" needs to get over themselves. Your love ones/friends are trying to be nice, but apparently they can never win.
They offend you if they say that.
They offend you if they don't say anything (boohoo, why does anybody care about my weight loss?)
They offend you if they say "you'll be prettier if you lose a few pounds" (boohoo, why does he wants me to lose weight? He thinks I'm fat and not pretty enough?)
They offend you if they say "you're pretty like you are, don't change" (and then, the same people starts thread on MFP saying "my boyfriend isn't supportive! He doesn't want me to lose weight. Boohoo! ")
Agreed.
Still 'you're really pretty' is a compliment isn't it?0 -
I was saying in another post how my neighbor told me "You were pretty before you lost some weight, but now you really are pretty". I am sure he didn't mean to be an a$$hat, but I didn't know whether to say thank you or F you.
So would you rather your neighbor to say "You were ugly before and now you're pretty"?
Or not say anything at all? And then, you'll comment on how people never acknowledge your weight loss or just don't care.
I would rather not have a backhanded compliment that equates my level of beauty with my weight, but unfortunately that's how people are conditioned to think - that thinner is prettier. In my opinion that is really narrow minded thinking. Whether or not someone acknowledges my weight loss has no impact on my success. My success is based on me, not them. 0 -
I feel that everyone is attracted to different ranges of people. We all have our own attractions, I don't think it's rude for someone to tell you that. For me I would rather someone be truthful with me than for people to try to sugar coat it like people have my entire life. I probably wouldn't have gotten to the point I'm at if people would have just been honest with me.0
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personally, it sucks. its not a nice thing to hear but it certainly is motivation. Eg. a guy I've had a crush on forever told one of my friends that about me...it sucked...and it motivated me to lose weight but not to please anyone to get to the best me possible. would I ever give him the time of day after knowing what he said? hell no!
a guy should like you at any size u are. they can encourage u and support u to lose weight and all but I don't think anyone should use that as an excuse not to date someone.0 -
I heard that more when I was younger. I think that when I was young it was other peoples way of trying to encourage me to lose weight without straight out telling me that I was fat. Of course it always ticked me off to get that backhanded compliment but I knew what they meant.
As I've gotten older, most people wouldn't dare say that to me since I now come across as a very in-charge, got-it-together, I-don't-need-your-opinion, kind of person. Now I get comments like I love the way you dress, where did you get those shoes, You always dress so nice, and I love your style. :-)0 -
a guy should like you at any size u are.
Why?
As an individual, I believe I should be allowed to find a person who has those qualities I find attractive. If there is something about you that I don't like, I have every right not to like it. If you aren't happy with my lack of attraction to you, then move on to someone else. It doesn't make me a bad person, just because I want to be with someone that I find to be attractive. If your appearance bothers me so much, I will move on to someone else.
I'm not judging your worth as a person, I'm being a discerning human being. I'm pursuing my highest ideal, and if you don't fit that ideal, that is not your problem, it's mine.
Your problem is a problem of choices. Do you a) find a man who will accept you as you are, or b) change yourself to find the man you want to be with. Again, this isn't about worth, it's about attraction. I'm here, making my changes, because I want to be attractive to members of the opposite sex.
As garber6th keeps pointing out, pretty =/= worth. I counter that with pretty = attraction.
On a fundamental level, we are animals, and animals want to procreate, and we want to do so with someone who will give us the children we are looking for, and be able to provide for them. The animal world uses "pretty" as viability in procreation. Yes, we are more advanced, but we are still animals. Don't believe me, check out the Friday Eye Candy thread on this site.
So the next time someone gives you a backhanded compliment, think of it as them trying to get you laid. They really do have your best interest at heart, and are not judging your worth as a person.0 -
Never happened to me, ever, but I'd like to think it wouldn't bother me. Dad used to say that if you listened to a *kitten* braying you'd go deaf without learning anything useful.0
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I realize this is an unpopular opinion, but I think most of you here are twisting what was meant to be a compliment (and possibly motivation) into an insult because of your own insecurities. "You are pretty now, but once you lose a few pounds you will be smokin'!!" is a good thing in my eyes. Much better than "You are pretty now, so do not bother losing weight because it will not improve you in the least." is a slap in the face.
It is your unhappiness with yourself that is making you take it in a negative light, because you believe in your heart that it is true.
Totally disagree. It's the lack of tact and forethought in this type of completely backhanded "compliment" that is disconcerting, and it's the fact, like I stated earlier in this thread, that people feel the need to quantify beauty by measuring it against weight/weight loss. I think this could contribute to insecurity rather than motivate because again, it is someone saying your beauty, hence your worthiness, is based on your weight. People who make this type of comment don't get how it comes across, which is why, when I hear this type of comment, I have to consider the source and let it roll off my back. If you were able to put yourself in the shoes of a woman who has been hearing this type of comment her whole life, you might see it differently.
Hah! You think that I haven't heard this sort of thing MY whole life? Girls saying that I would look better if I dropped a few times? Girls don't have a monopoly on that, sorry to inform you.
Except I, unlike many of you, take it at least as a compliment. I would much rather be seen as having the potential to look more attractive.
However, if you ever post Before/After pictures regarding your weightloss, I will try to remember to say "You look the same!" 0 -
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just tell them they are a great person but could stand to not be a total a-hole and sashay away
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a family member told me i "look so much better" and i paranoidly translated this to "you used to look terrible/gross/bad/fat/ugly"
my doctor told me i was "looking healthier". That didn't bother me at all but I realize now that both people probably had the same intentions with what they were saying. Doctors just know how to word things a little better haha.... I know this isn't quite the same, but sometimes people don't think you actually look bad, they just seem to want to make you feel better by telling you that you could be better without realizing that this is actually a pretty hurtful comment.0 -
People who are offended by comments like "you're prettier now" or "you're pretty but you'll be prettier if you go to the gym" needs to get over themselves. Your love ones/friends are trying to be nice, but apparently they can never win.
They offend you if they say that.
They offend you if they don't say anything (boohoo, why does anybody care about my weight loss?)
They offend you if they say "you'll be prettier if you lose a few pounds" (boohoo, why does he wants me to lose weight? He thinks I'm fat and not pretty enough?)
They offend you if they say "you're pretty like you are, don't change" (and then, the same people starts thread on MFP saying "my boyfriend isn't supportive! He doesn't want me to lose weight. Boohoo! ")
This. All of this, with nuts and a cherry on top.0 -
Also, it is not a backhanded compliment. A backhanded compliment is intended to insult.
"At least you're pretty!" is a backhanded compliment.0 -
Hmmmm.. I would not think about doing that0
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