"You're really pretty, but...
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a guy should like you at any size u are.
Why?
As an individual, I believe I should be allowed to find a person who has those qualities I find attractive. If there is something about you that I don't like, I have every right not to like it. If you aren't happy with my lack of attraction to you, then move on to someone else. It doesn't make me a bad person, just because I want to be with someone that I find to be attractive. If your appearance bothers me so much, I will move on to someone else.
I'm not judging your worth as a person, I'm being a discerning human being. I'm pursuing my highest ideal, and if you don't fit that ideal, that is not your problem, it's mine.
Your problem is a problem of choices. Do you a) find a man who will accept you as you are, or b) change yourself to find the man you want to be with. Again, this isn't about worth, it's about attraction. I'm here, making my changes, because I want to be attractive to members of the opposite sex.
As garber6th keeps pointing out, pretty =/= worth. I counter that with pretty = attraction.
On a fundamental level, we are animals, and animals want to procreate, and we want to do so with someone who will give us the children we are looking for, and be able to provide for them. The animal world uses "pretty" as viability in procreation. Yes, we are more advanced, but we are still animals. Don't believe me, check out the Friday Eye Candy thread on this site.
So the next time someone gives you a backhanded compliment, think of it as them trying to get you laid. They really do have your best interest at heart, and are not judging your worth as a person.
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People who are offended by comments like "you're prettier now" or "you're pretty but you'll be prettier if you go to the gym" needs to get over themselves. Your love ones/friends are trying to be nice, but apparently they can never win.
They offend you if they say that.
They offend you if they don't say anything (boohoo, why does anybody care about my weight loss?)
They offend you if they say "you'll be prettier if you lose a few pounds" (boohoo, why does he wants me to lose weight? He thinks I'm fat and not pretty enough?)
They offend you if they say "you're pretty like you are, don't change" (and then, the same people starts thread on MFP saying "my boyfriend isn't supportive! He doesn't want me to lose weight. Boohoo! ")
^^^THIS THIS AND THIIIIIIS^^^
Hasnt EVERYONE TOLD THEMSELVES THIS when they started their journey?! Im not trying to be sarcastic or ride a high horse or anything but isn't a big reason a lot of us want to lose weight is to LOOK better? I think more people do it for that rather then health benefits haha! Honestly I'm flattered and very accomplished when people tell me Ive lost weight. It inspires others and it definitely inspires me to keep going! It would honestly be worse if my hard work wasnt noticed (just like I kick myself when standing in front of a mirror for not noticing major differences) I'd take the compliment as it was meant to be0 -
a guy should like you at any size u are.
Why?
As an individual, I believe I should be allowed to find a person who has those qualities I find attractive. If there is something about you that I don't like, I have every right not to like it. If you aren't happy with my lack of attraction to you, then move on to someone else. It doesn't make me a bad person, just because I want to be with someone that I find to be attractive. If your appearance bothers me so much, I will move on to someone else.
I'm not judging your worth as a person, I'm being a discerning human being. I'm pursuing my highest ideal, and if you don't fit that ideal, that is not your problem, it's mine.
Your problem is a problem of choices. Do you a) find a man who will accept you as you are, or b) change yourself to find the man you want to be with. Again, this isn't about worth, it's about attraction. I'm here, making my changes, because I want to be attractive to members of the opposite sex.
As garber6th keeps pointing out, pretty =/= worth. I counter that with pretty = attraction.
On a fundamental level, we are animals, and animals want to procreate, and we want to do so with someone who will give us the children we are looking for, and be able to provide for them. The animal world uses "pretty" as viability in procreation. Yes, we are more advanced, but we are still animals. Don't believe me, check out the Friday Eye Candy thread on this site.
So the next time someone gives you a backhanded compliment, think of it as them trying to get you laid. They really do have your best interest at heart, and are not judging your worth as a person.
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That's certainly a way to make a compliment into something no one wants to hear.0
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^^ What's this?People who are offended by comments like "you're prettier now" or "you're pretty but you'll be prettier if you go to the gym" needs to get over themselves. Your love ones/friends are trying to be nice, but apparently they can never win.
They offend you if they say that.
They offend you if they don't say anything (boohoo, why does anybody care about my weight loss?)
They offend you if they say "you'll be prettier if you lose a few pounds" (boohoo, why does he wants me to lose weight? He thinks I'm fat and not pretty enough?)
They offend you if they say "you're pretty like you are, don't change" (and then, the same people starts thread on MFP saying "my boyfriend isn't supportive! He doesn't want me to lose weight. Boohoo! ")
^^ Love this, btw. Sounds like my Ex-wife. Only, replace all "boohoo"'s with "You're an *kitten*."0 -
I just kinda am like...can't you be "pretty" "attractive" WHATEVER...and still be overweight, why does it have to be one or the other?
I am with you. I don't think weight defines beauty, but sadly that's what our culture dictates.
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In some cultures, being overweight is gorgeous.0 -
People who are offended by comments like "you're prettier now" or "you're pretty but you'll be prettier if you go to the gym" needs to get over themselves. Your love ones/friends are trying to be nice, but apparently they can never win.
They offend you if they say that.
They offend you if they don't say anything (boohoo, why does anybody care about my weight loss?)
They offend you if they say "you'll be prettier if you lose a few pounds" (boohoo, why does he wants me to lose weight? He thinks I'm fat and not pretty enough?)
They offend you if they say "you're pretty like you are, don't change" (and then, the same people starts thread on MFP saying "my boyfriend isn't supportive! He doesn't want me to lose weight. Boohoo! ")
Exactly. I think sometimes us girls just want to take offense! I've been overweight my whole lifeand describe MYSELF as "pretty, but could stand to lose a few lbs". And I've said such things to people before too. ON HERE! No offense was meant! It's a compliment I would want to get!
Seriously, I don't think there is a single person who loses weight "strictly" for health. Especially not women. We lose weight to become MORE BEAUTIFUL (and get healthier). So why take offense at someone noticing that you met your goal?
Try this:
Person: You were pretty before but you look even prettier now! Great job with the weightloss!
You: Thank you kindly! I worked hard to get here!0 -
It would be hard for me not to respond to a comment like that with something really snarky! (And by the way, who asked them for their opinion?) For me personally, this rates right up there with "Wow, you look good for your age!". Uhh, so basically you're saying I'm old??? People are just ignorant - don't let it get to you!0
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the only thing i don't like, is "You look much prettier now" as if weight=beauty.0
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the only thing i don't like, is "You look much prettier now" as if weight=beauty.
Weight often does affect the perception of beauty in many people's eyes.0 -
I've gotten those comments but more after I've expressed a desire to be thinner! I had one guy tell me, that I might not be thin, but I had a special something that made men take a second look! I take comments like that with a grain of salt, most people are trying to be kind and I appreciate that! I know that I'd look better thinner if only for the one reason that I'd feel better and be healthier! So I don't really have a hard time with people complimenting and encouraging me in their own way! Now if it was said in a snide comment or with mean intent that's different!!0
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I was once told a few years ago by a woman at work that I would be a knockout if I lost some weight and she would introduce me to her son. I told her that I already had a man and even if I didn't I wouldnt go out with him. Then another time when I was at the dermatologist the doctor told me that i had a pretty face and that next time i came in he wanted to see me lose weight. I just kind of left my mouth open in disbelief I mean this is supost to be a professional . It wasn't like he was a regular doctor. Needless to say there was not a next time. I did not go back.0
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the only thing i don't like, is "You look much prettier now" as if weight=beauty.
I've never been told any of these things, but I definitely agree with this.
Lol, what?? Wait...how is "you're pretty but you'd be prettier if you went to the gym" NOT offensive?? That's horribly offensive and most definitely not your friends/loved ones being nice.
Any phrase beginning with "you're pretty, but" is offensive. It's like starting a comment with "no offense, but-"...you know something offensive is coming.
I definitely agree that most women can be overly sensitive, especially about weight, but I mean *kitten*, American culture made them that way.
I'm pretty sure the proper response to "you're pretty but you'd be prettier if you went to them gym" is "I'll go to the gym to get prettier for you if you jump off a cliff to be less of an a**h*** for me (punch in face)"0 -
Pretty is a comment on the physical so yes weight is part of it as is skin completion, hair, and height. This is also a subjective observation, what is pretty from one observer to another is personal and different.the only thing i don't like, is "You look much prettier now" as if weight=beauty.0 -
I realize this is an unpopular opinion, but I think most of you here are twisting what was meant to be a compliment (and possibly motivation) into an insult because of your own insecurities. "You are pretty now, but once you lose a few pounds you will be smokin'!!" is a good thing in my eyes. Much better than "You are pretty now, so do not bother losing weight because it will not improve you in the least." is a slap in the face.
It is your unhappiness with yourself that is making you take it in a negative light, because you believe in your heart that it is true.
Exactly. It's a freaking compliment, and it is based on reality for the majority of people out there, especially the person making the compliment.
For most people the same person at 25 BMI looks prettier than the same person at 35 BMI. I sure prefer the way my husband looks at 20% BF over when he was at 25%. I'll love him if he gained 50 lb instead just the same. His worth has nothing to do with his fat %, but given the choice, I like to feel the abs!
Demanding that people act as if 'fat' is as pretty as 'normal' or 'skinny (not anorexic skinny.. reasonably skinny)' is like demanding that people stop considering asymmetrical features less attractive than symmetrical. We humans just generally consider symmetrical faces prettier. Congrats if yours is symmetrical, regrets if not!
Or like demanding that people consider skin discoloration pretty... "This foundation makes your skin look so pretty and glowing!" - well, what she really said is that the foundation is great on me, because I got a bunch of age spots all over the place. I take it as a compliment on well selected and well applied make-up. I know I got spots, I'm glad someone complimented me on my effort... and yes, I will continue to not wear any make-up 90% of the time because I like myself with those age spots just fine, and they reflect the outdoor choices I made with my passions for hiking, sailing and kayaking. But I don't expect anyone to pretend for my vanity that adult skin with sun damage is just as pretty as ivory fair skin that I had half life ago!
It is all about the insecurities of a person receiving the compliment. Just get over it and enjoy the fact that it's much easier to solve for excess fat than for lack of symmetry, deformities or other generally 'unattractive' features. You are already halfway to the conventional 'pretty', which actually should not be important at all.
What's important is that you are much closer to healthy. Congratulations!
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to be honest if someone said i was handsome but could do with losing some weight, i'd take the compliment and agree with the insult, i am here because I KNOW i need to lose the weight,
now, if i was slightly "chubby" and only had to lose a few lbs, maybe i would take offense, but to be honest i know i need to lose it so someone stating the obvious to me is not an insult,
and no weight does not always equal beauty in some peoples eyes, but in most it surely does,
there is a reason advertising use skinnier girls, for both men and women's products, because the overwhelming perception is that weight does equal beauty,
think if you really took offense, its more down to your own self confidence and how you feel about yourself rather than the fact that what the person is saying is untrue,
look at the success board, its full of your much prettier\handsome comments now you've lost weight, no one takes offense to that,0 -
Never had anyone to do that. If they told me I was pretty, that was it. However, my son told me that I was beautiful but a little too fat. LOL Others in the room started to scold him for saying that, I stopped them. It was okay because he was right!0
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Yeah...I get the, "You've got such a gorgeous face..." I want to slap them because you know what they mean. My ninja kickin butt super powers want to come out and pinch their heads off! I'm ok now. Really!0
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When I was in high school, my Dad once said, "you'd have more boyfriends if you would loose a few pounds." To which I responded, "I'd have more boyfriends if I wasn't valedictorian of my class."0
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No one has ever been brave enough to tell me that. They know I'd hurt them.0
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Do you think women in the Asian & African societies that glorify big women get as offended when someone tells them they could gain a few pounds?
Interesting thought....
Then again it's a bit more serious for women in that situation. In those societies it's near-impossible for thin women to get a husband, thus becoming shunned & hurting the family name0 -
Wow...your post brought back so many memories. The most memorable one that still haunts me to this day was when I was in my early teens, and the guy I liked (a lot) told me he really really liked me, but it's a shame I was fat. He told me I was so pretty and had a great personality, but he can't date me unless I become thinner. He broke my heart and made me feel so bad about myself. People don't understand how much comments like that affect people. I still truly believe beauty lies within, and though it's important for us to be healthy, what's on the outside should not define who we are. You are beautiful just the way you are. Lose weight for your health #1, and anything that comes after that is just a bonus!
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Hey, at least they are telling you that you'd be pretty or that you are pretty now. I wasn't pretty before I lost weight and now that I've lost weight, that hasn't changed. Why are people dying to be pretty all the time? If you had it once or you can have it...I would think one should be grateful because some people can't be pretty with or without weight loss.0
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THIS ONE IS GONNA BE LONG, FOLKS.
I'm all *hot and bothered*.
Personally, I'll take a compliment where I can get it, and return one as quickly. Doesn't mean I don't have A HELLUVA lot to say on the subject.I realize this is an unpopular opinion, but I think most of you here are twisting what was meant to be a compliment (and possibly motivation) into an insult because of your own insecurities. "You are pretty now, but once you lose a few pounds you will be smokin'!!" is a good thing in my eyes. Much better than "You are pretty now, so do not bother losing weight because it will not improve you in the least." is a slap in the face.
It is your unhappiness with yourself that is making you take it in a negative light, because you believe in your heart that it is true.
I call bullsh*t. Body image, especially for American females, is a tremendously complicated issue and the oversimplification going on here, while not unexpected, is sorta sh*tty. (I'm not attacking you, Whierd, because I understand where you're coming from. Just think you're super duper wrong.) Accepting a compliment gracefully is as much a learned social skill as is presenting yourself as a competent professional. Accepting a back-handed or tactless compliment gracefully takes additional skill points, regardless of your level of personal security.
You know what I believe? Comments like these, along with the desire to conform to societal beauty norms that's brought many of the offended to MFP (self-included), stem from pervasive and deep rooted misogynistic messages that are taken as matter of fact aspects of American life. We lovely ladies internalize these messages and learn to hate ourselves for not being the ideal. Hearing from even the best intention the verbalization of the hate that we face every day adds to an already considerable load. (Whether or not you recognize it or agree with it, studies prove that women are at higher risk for suicide. Women are at higher risk for cutting and other types of self-harm. Women are at higher risk for dangerous elective cosmetic surgeries. All of these acts stem from feelings of compromised self-image, and self-loathing. Google it. )
Consider how female to male transgender individuals report *marked* reduction in the body image shaming and fat shaming that occurred after transition to male gender norms. As in, before transition being told she ought to lose weight to be attractive (as is the focus of this thread) and having fat slurs directed towards her, while once transitioned and at the same weight, no longer receiving the unsolicited *advice*. Pretty much, women are supposed to be kind, quiet, and small while directing most of their resources towards being physically pleasing. It's about power, it's about social standing, it's about the multi-billion dollar beauty industry that survives on that self-loathing. It's odious and it's apparently inescapable, even in a community ostensibly here to support each other.Exactly. It's a freaking compliment, and it is based on reality for the majority of people out there, especially the person making the compliment.
For most people the same person at 25 BMI looks prettier than the same person at 35 BMI. I sure prefer the way my husband looks at 20% BF over when he was at 25%. I'll love him if he gained 50 lb instead just the same. His worth has nothing to do with his fat %, but given the choice, I like to feel the abs!
Demanding that people act as if 'fat' is as pretty as 'normal' or 'skinny (not anorexic skinny.. reasonably skinny)' is like demanding that people stop considering asymmetrical features less attractive than symmetrical. We humans just generally consider symmetrical faces prettier. Congrats if yours is symmetrical, regrets if not!
Fact is that 2/3 of America is obese. Given that we're the majority, you'd *think* beauty norms would change. But take a look at my argument above. They haven't. For obvious reasons.
The symmetry points stands, because it is a natural fact (golden ration, y'all). However, using it to bracket the first sentence where fat is relegated to *abnormal*? Doesn't follow. Check out the stat above- 2/3 of America is obese. FAT is *normal*. Then consider the value judgements in the same sentence about just how skinny someone should be. Seriously? Seems the definition of an acceptable body is pretty restrictive. Ever wonder why? Ever consider that it's damaging to carry those definitions, to internalize them?
I'm not saying that obesity accompanied by poor health indicators (like elevated blood pressure, blood sugar, or cholesterol) is ideal, more or less beautiful than any other body type, or a reflection of self love or self-loathing.
What I am saying is that whether someone is obese or not, their body is acceptable. It's theirs. It's not open for judgement. It's not open for discussion. It will not be more worthy if there is less of it, or more of it, if it is symmetrical or asymmetrical.
We should support each other through our personal victories. We should lift each other up through our struggles. We should encourage each other to be as healthy as we can be, to live long and happy lives.
Body shaming doesn't belong here. (And a lot of the replies to this topic have been FULL of it.)
(Shoot son, that got away from me. RAAAGE AGAINST THE MAAAACHINNNE.)0 -
It is a hurtful way of saying Oh you're not as good as you should/could be and what does matter?? What I look like on the outside or what I have to offer that comes from the inside??? Beauty fades and and let me me tell ya I dont care how fine *kitten* ya may work and get some day that *kitten* WILL sag!! LOL laws of gravity unless ya got the money for all the plastic surgery to hold off the ravages of time!!
Don't judge a book by it's cover or a person by the way they look, dress or what they weigh!! Has always been my motto!!0 -
I will back up my point with: You are all here. 0
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I will back up my point with: You are all here.
...which pretty much backs up everything I said about the jacked up beauty standards that would lead someone to be here, AND to be less than happy at a tactless compliment.
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I will back up my point with: You are all here.
...which pretty much backs up everything I said about the jacked up beauty standards that would lead someone to be here, AND to be less than happy at a tactless compliment.
Hey hey hey, my lack of tact is not my problem. 0 -
I think the first issue is just having the grace to understand that most ppl are not trying to be *kitten*. It is sort of funny to see the people on here that say things like, "what they really mean is..." and "you know they are thinking..." NO! You do not know what they really mean or what they are thinking (sans a partner or close friend where you may have a shot of knowing).
The truth is, this is how you took it. You are assuming that you know what they mean, when really it is how you interpreted their comment. At the end of the day, we all want to partner with the most suitable companions (and not just sexually). It is true. Let's take weight out of it. For the average person do you want to be around an able-bodied person or wheelchair-bound? Disfigured or unblemished? Stutter or fluent-speaker? If we are being honest, we choose the most "normal" of those characteristics. I am not saying we don't give those other people chances, but it is not the first instinct. Also, if the person was, say, disfigured and an *kitten* - definitely not hanging out with them again!
Finally, first impressions are HUGE. When you meet someone in the first 10 minutes, the main thing you may be able to judge them are...wait for it...face/smile/eyes, body, and maybe humor. No one has time, yet, to know how amazing you are. Amazing how most ppl on here got compliments for the things that acquaintances or strangers had time to assess. You mean to tell me, the guy at the club didn't know you take underprivileged kids from the ghetto and teach them to soar?
My point...as the fat dude that has been a really great friend to many, many women (although many ladies still wanted a bite of the Chocolate Chunk) is that ppl generally are not trying to be mean. They are trying to motivate. They really think that you have beautiful eyes, and smiles, and are funny. They really think you are pretty...they also really want to congratulate you on the weight loss. We should assume we know what they mean, because just like "they don't know you" you don't know them. If no one in their family has battled weight issues, maybe they don't know the exact way to express their pride in you. Just take what you can from the compliment and use the rest to fuel.
That all being said...beautiful women on this post at all sizes!0
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