I Want to Stay Fat

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  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,671 Member
    I find this topic very interesting and most of the answers intriguing. I definitely know my self-esteem has always been a LOT more fragile than most people who know me would EVER guess. I have always been outgoing, confident, smart, witty, funny, and friends with many more males than females. Part of this is because I was a tomboy, part of it because I picked up traditionally male-dominated hobbies, and then, eventually a male-dominated career. Hard to accomplish any of that as a wall-flower but the truth is that I'm starting to think, that because I was a tomboy, I learned to react to situations in a much more "male" pattern. I learned to be sarcastic. I learned to crack jokes to take the focus off of me. I learned to be "the best friend" so that if they weren't interested in me as dating material, I could still hang around. I learned to be tough and somewhat unempathetic, compared to most women. It's worked. And I never lacked for attention when I was a 5'8", buxom blonde, at a normal weight.....

    Then I met hubby....who has been the best thing to ever happen to me and has allowed me to blossom in so many other arenas...but no hubby, even one as non-jealous as mine, wants 20 male "best friends" hanging out with his wife all the time. Maybe, between the very real strain of my schooling and career, and trying to not upset my hubby, I have let myself go to avoid the attention. I dunno. I can say I do NOT enjoy being overweight. It effects my confidence in every facet of life and it's NOT who I am (I really AM confident and an adrenaline junky by nature). It is puzzling to me why I have allowed this to happen....but I do know that I can't continue to live my life as the shell of my former self.....
    Your story really strikes a chord with me. Thank you for sharing it.

    I find this thread fascinating.

    I've had a similar problem, with different coping mechanisms. I, too, find this thread fascinating. I think that a lot of people get complicated rewards for staying "stuck" in negative situations, but most people aren't willing to see it.
  • Leather_N_Lace
    Leather_N_Lace Posts: 518 Member
    I was always thin in school and even modeled for a bit.... While a teenager, I began using meth and became instantly addicted.. I never had problems quitting while I was pregnant or nursing.. But somehow or another I always seemed to find my way back to that lifestyle.
    I am proud to say that I have been clean off meth for 7 years now!!! On the flip side, I never realized how great food tasted. When I quit using I probably weighed 108 pounds and was very sick looking.. In 7 years I added 100 pounds to my frame. I decided now is the time to not only be clean but to be healthy as well. I'm happy to say on my last weigh in I was 189 pounds:)
    I tell you this, because I think sometimes, it is part of our psyche to self destruct and sabatoge ourselves. That it is often easier to fail prematurely than to almost suceed and have a set back. I wouldn't have stayed clean off of meth without a support group and people who I can be accountable to.. Same with my weight loss. And each day I am clean or each pound I lose is both a blessing and something I know I now deserve!
    Stay strong.. If you need a friend, please feel free to add me!
    H
  • Peachy1962
    Peachy1962 Posts: 269 Member
    wishing all the best life has to give and do things on your time table no one else;s and just keep loving yourself!!! :flowerforyou:
  • JDBLY11
    JDBLY11 Posts: 580
    I wasn't overweight as a child. I wasn't overweight as a teenager. I played sports. I was on the dance team. I liked to dress up. Around seventeen, I began suffering from severe depression and social anxiety. I'm not sure what triggered it, or if it was always latent inside of me. That was when I started putting on weight, and have been heavy and -heavier- ever since. Over the last ten years I've struggled with body issues and self-esteem on top of these mental and emotional problems.

    Over that time, I have made some attempts to lose weight, which were successful until I just, stopped. These last few months I've been digging really deep, and I've realized that while most of my weight gain is credited to emotional eating... that in some twisted way, the thought of losing that weight scares me. I've hidden behind my low self-esteem and weight for a long time. What happens when I lose this weight? People might notice me. I might want more out of life, and I might get it. That scares the hell out of me. It's the same reason I don't dress up, I don't do my make-up. That monster inside of me helps me to sabotage myself. It seems crazy, but so do a lot of the things I think.

    I don't want to be this way. This isn't who I really am. I wouldn't call this extra weight a 'benefit', but a tool in my attempt to hide from the world. And those are the issues I'm dealing with this time around as I commit to healthy changes in my life, and losing this weight.

    I get this. I was painfully, pathologically shy all my childhood and youth due to undiagnosed chemical depression. I also have very thick hair. I would were it long and over my face to hide behind it. When I learned how to handle the depression, I cut it all off.

    I am very similar, except for the long hair. What about those people who gained weight in childhood? I don't think they are at the point yet where they are lazy. I think I gained weight when I moved away from family when I was about 8 years old. From what I remember life was really great before that. I was very close to my cousins, aunt, and grandparents. I had friends in the neighborhood. I never really had that when we moved away. I had some bad reactions from other kids at school when I moved from Florida to Michigan. I did not have the same activity levels, though I did have some. As a result, I became very withdrawn and shy. I was scared to relate to people because they might relate to me badly or be mean to me. I was not good at talking about issues I was having with my parents for whatever reasons. There were no kids on our street to play with. I gained quite a bit of weight. In my teenage years I got really depressed and tried to kill myself. I had issues with depression and anxiety after that. I was only about 30-40 lbs overweight then. At 22 I got married and got pregnant within a few months. After having my son, I was really happy but very anxious about how I was taking care of him and doing things right. I gained a lot of weight after he was born. I was afraid too because he had some developmental issues and it was hard to nurse him. I had so much anxiety that I ate to calm myself. We were very poor and still are so that added some other issues. We had no where to live for part of our marriage and ended up staying with his parents and mine for several years. It was very difficult. I ended up having a break and getting on antidepressants and an antipsychotic, which really helped for a while, but I don't think I needed an antipsychotic indefinitely. I started gaining a lot of weight on that, so I went off a few months ago. I have not had any issues just taking my antidepressant. My anxiety issues seem to be better. I have not had many urges to binge eat in response to major anxiety. I feel pretty happy with my life right now, though I would like to be in a better financial situation. Losing weight has not been that hard so far. I like eating a proper calorie level. MFP helps a lot with my motivation. Even though my son may have cerebral palsy, he is very sweet and doing well. I just hope he has a good life.

    I am happy to have lost some weight. It is already so much easier to do things. That makes me very happy. I really value my mobility.
  • Of course there is one huge benefit. You don't have to work at it, or not really that but you don't have to work at it only to fail again and again until you slowly do more and more right. No failure and no worries. Just eat and be fat. It's easy.

    With that said just like anything in life, it's best to put the work in for the high reward. I was actually fat all my life since I was in elementary through high school and wasn't motivated to lose weight because of looks. MMA saved my life and got me motivated and into nutrition (majoring in dietetics). Due to MMA you could argue I still don't care about my looks.
  • deblynn29
    deblynn29 Posts: 3 Member
    If you're fat:
    1. Female friends won't be jealous of you.
    2. Men won't make unwanted advances toward you.
    3. Your boss won't see you as a threat, and therefore won't be mean to you or try to sabotage you.
    4. You won't disappoint people if you get fat, because you're already fat.
    5. You'll find out who your real friends are. if they stick with you despite your fatness, they truly like you for who you are.
    6. You'll find out if your husband really loves you for who you are or for what you look like.
    7. You can skip all the stares, catwhistles and flirtatious gestures you might receive if you were good looking.
    8. You can feel satisfied you are not conforming to an unfair and compassionate-less society.
    9. You will be less likely to be abducted, raped, etc. You will be too heavy to be forced into a car or physically moved.


    I've recently realized #4. I am terrified to succeed and then regain, or to fail all together.
    Now that I realize that, I think this time will be the time I succeed.
  • Lift_This_
    Lift_This_ Posts: 2,760 Member
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  • Thank you all very much for your responses to my post. I have been gone all day, and just sat down and read them all. To those who asked if I was being sarcastic in my post, the answer is no. The post was my honest thoughts.

    The thoughts in my head that prevent me from losing weight are not sane, normal, rational, beneficial, healthy, or anything to be proud about.

    It has only been recently that I have been honest with myself. Not too long ago, I would have been ashamed to admit my true thoughts. I fact, I didn't even realize them.

    I can't accept that I am too lazy or like food to much, to arrive at a normal weight, because I am not lazy or indulgent in other areas of my life. I figured it must be something else. So my post was just me, still trying to figure out what that "something else" is. I am trying to bring the monster out of the closet so it will go away.
  • rosah2
    rosah2 Posts: 40 Member
    I didn't plan on posting in this thread but after reading the whole thing, I realized no one mentioned the reason I have for being overweight. Mine was not low self esteem or fear; it was mostly ignorance and poor medical advice.

    I was never overweight as a child or even a teen. When I got married I weighed 117 pounds and had a 23 inch waist. I was a sexy young thing! :) Then I got pregnant and gained 30 pounds. I yo yo dieted for the next 46 years. I asked doctors for help, even taking diaries of foods and meals eaten. I did not want to be fat! They didn't look at the food logs I took in. The universal answer back then was eat 1000 calories a day and you will lose the weight.

    So I did and I didn't. Getting older brought health problems. Several sessions on prednisone packed on the pounds that wouldn't go away. My many attempts to stop smoking added more pounds. Last November I made my final and finally successful attempt and I am now a non-smoker.

    When I discovered MFP last February, I read about under eating messing up your metabolism. I was very skeptical. It sounded like an excuse to eat more to me. The first week before tracking anything on MFP, I tracked on paper, eating as I normally did. That's when I discovered I had been eating between 800-1000 calories a day. Even now if I take a day and don't track, I find myself eating that because it feels normal to me.

    I am determined to lose weight and frustrated because so far, I have only lost 12 pounds. But I am slowly getting my calories up and am not gaining. I am eating at 1800 c now, something I never thought possible before. But it is scary! My doctor says for me to keep upping the calories slowly until I reach the point of gaining, then back off and eat at just under that amount for 8 weeks to reset my metabolism. He said do not eat under 1800 calories a day.

    I am trying so hard to have faith that this is going to work because I know eating less didn't work for me. I have several physical issues that make most exercise impossible for me but I do what I can to move more every day. So sometimes we stay fat because we don't know how to get healthy or thin. We only know what is supposed to work.
  • MsPudding
    MsPudding Posts: 562 Member
    What about those people who gained weight in childhood? I don't think they are at the point yet where they are lazy. I think I gained weight when I moved away from family when I was about 8 years old. From what I remember life was really great before that. I was very close to my cousins, aunt, and grandparents. I had friends in the neighborhood. I never really had that when we moved away. I had some bad reactions from other kids at school when I moved from Florida to Michigan. I did not have the same activity levels, though I did have some. As a result, I became very withdrawn and shy. I was scared to relate to people because they might relate to me badly or be mean to me. I was not good at talking about issues I was having with my parents for whatever reasons. .

    I got fat when I was around 5-6 and it's only in recent years (over 30 years later), that the penny dropped why I still have weight issues. My parents had a very toxic divorce when I was a baby and courts ruled that I had to stay with my Father every other weekend. The problem was that my Father was an alcoholic, but his parents covered up for him - pretending he was away on business etc when they picked me up from my Mother's instead of him. He was volatile and always trying to get custody; when I did see him he'd oscillate between screaming abuse at me about my Mother leaving him and crying and threatening to kill himself if I told anyone he was drinking/had shouted. He never hit me, but he certainly smashed a few items of furniture on walls very close to me to scare me. I was an only child so no siblings to fall back on and, due to his suicide threats, didn't feel I could tell anyone...so what I did was eat. My Mum was über healthy and couldn't understand why I was putting on weight so took me to a dietician - what neither of them knew was that I was stealing food and binging late at night in bed because it was the only thing that made me feel good....for awhile.

    Looking back I think that had this happened today there'd have been more outside help. Apart from my Father's constant suicide threats, we hit an issue where my Mum broke up with a guy she'd been seeing for a year or so and he promptly broke in, smashed up our house and then killed himself outside. I became very withdrawn at school, started writing about death a lot which, given my age, prompted the school to send a lot of worried letters to my Mum and I also stopped sleeping. Every night I'd creep endlessly around the house with a torch, checking that my Mum was still alive.....and then hiding under my bedclothes binging on things I'd stolen from the fridge.

    I now recognise that this very early experience set a pattern - when I'm upset or stressed I a) seek comfort in food and b) stop sleeping. The longer those 2 things go on the more withdrawn i'll get and I'll simply 'drop out' of circulation for a bit. The ironic thing is that friends and family never know it's happening because I say nothing and I've built my life in a way that I have a job that can have me shooting off to other countries at the drop of a hat so they simply assume I'm busy.

    For me, I'm not scared of being thin...it's just that I've never really realised before why I'm fat beyond the very simplistic 'eat too much'....which actually rarely explains anything. So now I'm having to explore other ways to deal with upset/stress that don't involve binging or doing anything else destructive or self-destructive.
  • DragonSquatter
    DragonSquatter Posts: 957 Member
    Being fat sucks. I hate it. Your choices are your own about your body, and as long as you're happy, then fine. However, for me, it's not even a question. I will NOT live the rest of my life overweight.
  • wild_wild_life
    wild_wild_life Posts: 1,352 Member
    Thank you all very much for your responses to my post. I have been gone all day, and just sat down and read them all. To those who asked if I was being sarcastic in my post, the answer is no. The post was my honest thoughts.

    The thoughts in my head that prevent me from losing weight are not sane, normal, rational, beneficial, healthy, or anything to be proud about.

    It has only been recently that I have been honest with myself. Not too long ago, I would have been ashamed to admit my true thoughts. I fact, I didn't even realize them.

    I can't accept that I am too lazy or like food to much, to arrive at a normal weight, because I am not lazy or indulgent in other areas of my life. I figured it must be something else. So my post was just me, still trying to figure out what that "something else" is. I am trying to bring the monster out of the closet so it will go away.

    Thanks for posting. I think it sparked some interesting discussion.

    Also, I don't know about healthy or beneficial, but I do think your thoughts are normal and sane. Normal and sane ain't always a walk in the park! Best of luck banishing the monsters and meeting your goals.
  • berriboobear
    berriboobear Posts: 524 Member
    If you're fat:
    1. Female friends won't be jealous of you.
    2. Men won't make unwanted advances toward you.
    3. Your boss won't see you as a threat, and therefore won't be mean to you or try to sabotage you.
    4. You won't disappoint people if you get fat, because you're already fat.
    5. You'll find out who your real friends are. if they stick with you despite your fatness, they truly like you for who you are.
    6. You'll find out if your husband really loves you for who you are or for what you look like.
    7. You can skip all the stares, catwhistles and flirtatious gestures you might receive if you were good looking.
    8. You can feel satisfied you are not conforming to an unfair and compassionate-less society.
    9. You will be less likely to be abducted, raped, etc. You will be too heavy to be forced into a car or physically moved.

    While some of those you can maybe make sense of (if I try to think of things abnormally), I think this comes off as more paranoid than anything else. Or an escape from facing reality and the harsh truth. Why settle? Live healthier and happier, these things don't necessarily happen to everyone, you are what you make of yourself.
  • Can I just say this post really rings true with me? I feel very uncomfortable when people look at my body and stuff and comment on my appearance. When I lose weight, I find myself trying to where huge baggy clothes so guys won't stare and girls won't be mean to me.
  • Emlou93
    Emlou93 Posts: 22
    If you're fat...

    1. Your female friends will use you to justify that they are the beautiful one. You won't be their friend because of who you are but because of how much better they look than you.

    2. Men will make unwanted advances to you. They will be the overweight men and you will judge them for how fat they are, while demanding they fit standards you are unable to.

    3. Your boss will have to make special concessions to you, larger chairs, inability to safely exit during fire drills. Not every boss will be mean and sabotage you because you're not "fat".

    4. There are always ways to disappoint people.

    5. Your real friends will be your real friends, skinny, fat, obese. But if you start giving no ****s about the quality of your own life, why should they?

    6. Marriage is not just built on how much someone loves you. Sex IS an important part of marriage.

    7. Catwhistles and flirtatious gestures are just as irritating as someone making mooing sounds and making fun of how you eat, what you wear and how you speak.

    8. Society will always seem to be unfair and compassionate-less. Is that any excuse for not taking the best care you can of your body and your mind?

    9. Sure, you're too heavy to be abducted or raped. But you're also too heavy to be retrieved from a burning building or to be washed efficiently in a shower. You can develop pressure sores just from sitting too long and your bones may be crushed by your own body weight.

    The reasons you want to stay fat reek of a feeling of helplessness and justification. Don't stay fat because you're afraid. You'll only hurt yourself. This site is for those who want to make a change and that's why you're here. Don't be afraid - we are all here for you and so are many qualified therapists.
  • honeysprinkles
    honeysprinkles Posts: 1,757 Member
    I've never had anything really bad happen to me, never went through severe depression or anything like that but I can still relate to what a lot of you are saying. I remember a time in my weight loss where the idea of actually being thin and reaching my goal kind of scared me. I think it's because it was easier to blame the problems in other areas of my life (social anxiety, lack of confidence, bad at making friends, etc.) on my weight...not consciously but I do think it was in the back of my mind. I've realized that I am definitely the kind of person that is afraid to fail, to the point that I'd almost rather not try something than I would to try it and risk failing. And I'm also not comfortable with a lot of attention, and weight loss does bring extra attention from a lot of people.

    Overall, I worked through that and my confidence levels have increased a lot. I feel like I deserve to get what I want, so I'm not afraid to work for it anymore. I think a lot of us feel like we don't actually deserve the things that we want in life, so we don't even try to get them. I am really close to my goal weight and now I'm actually really comfortable with my body, but a lot of it has to do more so with general self acceptance and realizing that I'm comfortable with my self as a person in a way that isn't dependent on my weight.

    I just want to add that I do believe that some people are naturally bigger, and that it's okay if a person is comfortable with their size at a higher weight. I don't think anyone has an obligation to lose weight or to do the things that I did, unless they want to. And everyone deserves to be comfortable with themselves and their bodies at any weight. Although I do recognize that for a lot of people, weight gain is a symptom of deeper emotional problems...but in that case I think working through the emotional problems should be more important than just weight loss alone.

    Good topic, thanks for the post. It made me reflect on my own experiences in a way that I hadn't before and I also enjoyed reading other peoples' perspectives!
  • nobleammonite
    nobleammonite Posts: 64 Member
    Reading this thread, I have been really taken aback by the hostile reactions and obvious ignorance to the correlation between psychological trauma (particularly in rape/assault cases) and weight gain. Referring to the OP as "insane" and "deranged" for (knowingly or not) paraphrasing a well-documented psychological phenomena comes across as dismissive and disrespectful - not just to the OP, but also to survivors of assault/rape/abuse in general.

    I think part of the problem is taking the OP's list of reasons too literally. Nobody is saying it makes any sense. Anxiety isn't based in logic. You can't tell someone with OCD that obsessively counting or checking things doesn't make any logical sense, and expect them to respond with, "Hey, you're right. I hadn't realized until you pointed it out. Those behaviors have no power over me, now that I realize how illogical they are." It just doesn't work like that. There is a very distinct difference between BEING safe vs FEELING safe.

    On the other hand, trauma should not be used as an excuse for not moving forward and trying to overcome your personal obstacles. This is not what I read in the OP. My interpretation was that she had identified a way of thinking that was hindering her in her weight loss. Identifying areas where we need to change ourselves and our lifestyles is what this is all about. Most frequently, we focus on tweaking our nutrition and exercise routines, but often there are more abstract things that need to change as well. This does not make them any less important.

    This, a thousand times! I'm glad the rest of you have such a good handle on your mental issues (or don't have any at all), but for most people, it's not that easy. Just knowing that I think/feel illogical things does not magically make those thoughts/feelings go away. (I wish. And I don't have trauma or abuse to explain my issues...) That's like telling a depressed person "Just be happy!" Hahahaha no.

    The way I read it, the OP doesn't think that the list of reasons are actual GOOD reasons for staying fat, but they are reasons for her brain. Brains can be hard to fight. Identifying them and working through them, illogical as they may be, is a great start to changing them.

    And one more thing - I would be ecstatically happy for the rest of my life if I never again got catcalled or whistled at or shouted at from a car driving by. ECSTATICALLY. Please let's not assume that all women appreciate this behavior. In fact, how about refraining from it completely unless you KNOW it's appreciated? (This doesn't include genuine compliments like "You look fantastic" or "That dress is gorgeous on you" etc., although I generally find those uncomfortable too - they're just not in the same category as catcalling.)
  • Tysonlovesweights
    Tysonlovesweights Posts: 139 Member
    If you're fat:
    1. Female friends won't be jealous of you.
    2. Men won't make unwanted advances toward you.
    3. Your boss won't see you as a threat, and therefore won't be mean to you or try to sabotage you.
    4. You won't disappoint people if you get fat, because you're already fat.
    5. You'll find out who your real friends are. if they stick with you despite your fatness, they truly like you for who you are.
    6. You'll find out if your husband really loves you for who you are or for what you look like.
    7. You can skip all the stares, catwhistles and flirtatious gestures you might receive if you were good looking.
    8. You can feel satisfied you are not conforming to an unfair and compassionate-less society.
    9. You will be less likely to be abducted, raped, etc. You will be too heavy to be forced into a car or physically moved.

    this reminds me of when someone had some material thing that I really wanted, but managed to convince myself that I was better without it. "i don't need those air jordans to play basketball, they just cost too muchand he still sucks.......except that air jordans are the best basketball shoes ever made, and actually DO help make certain aspects of the game better for nearly every player) kinda like " i would rather be fat and not have to fend off guys who were like hitting on me and stuff".....yeah who the hell wants to be flirted with and feel good about their achievements/body image anyway

    when I was a kid and thought this way, I would quietly feel like i was giving up on the inside
  • sk_pirate
    sk_pirate Posts: 282 Member
    If you're fat:
    1. Female friends won't be jealous of you.
    2. Men won't make unwanted advances toward you.
    3. Your boss won't see you as a threat, and therefore won't be mean to you or try to sabotage you.
    4. You won't disappoint people if you get fat, because you're already fat.
    5. You'll find out who your real friends are. if they stick with you despite your fatness, they truly like you for who you are.
    6. You'll find out if your husband really loves you for who you are or for what you look like.
    7. You can skip all the stares, catwhistles and flirtatious gestures you might receive if you were good looking.
    8. You can feel satisfied you are not conforming to an unfair and compassionate-less society.
    9. You will be less likely to be abducted, raped, etc. You will be too heavy to be forced into a car or physically moved.

    Speak for yourself...
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,022 Member
    Yeah, truly no one wants to be overweight. If we were offered a magic pill that would instantly take the fat away, we'd all swallow it, right?
    If you have trouble losing weight, have you ever just asked yourself WHY you continue to keep the weight on? (For many of us, it's not laziness, etc.)

    Does not compute. You can't say you'd take the easy way out if there was one and then claim you aren't lazy.