Relationships and Age (May be Offensive To Some)

onedayatatime12
onedayatatime12 Posts: 577 Member
in Chit-Chat
I may be cynical about the concept of "love" or more simply put "a mutual long-term physical and intellectual attraction". But is it true that as you get older and you don't find what you want in a guy and you keep moving from relationship to relationship, your expectations diminish and you learn to expect less? Do you basically settle for less as you grow older and still are single? This is not meant to be rude in any way, I just really honestly am wondering this. I have a few friends and relatives I know, who married, at what would be considered, an older age than most, and they had proposals before their current spouse. To be honest, it was a topic of conversation among my friends and I, and everyone believed that the earlier proposals (potential spouses) were more qualified, more attractive, and overall, highly accomplished. Their potential in-laws were also more accomplished and accepting than were the current in-laws.

It's just something I've wondered, and I want to say that I do not mean offense to anyone by this post. If I have offended you in any way, I sincerely apologize.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and reflect upon it!
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Replies

  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    I think it depends on who you are and how bad you want to be in a relationship.
  • chunkydunk714
    chunkydunk714 Posts: 784 Member
    No we dont settle....which explains why Im 30 and still single. I refuse to ever let myself be dragged into a sh*tty relationship ever again.

    No matter what age, you deserve the best and its out there somewhere :)
  • Jersey_Devil
    Jersey_Devil Posts: 4,142 Member
    its not settling (well for some it may be).. but I just think as you grow older your priorities change and what you look for is different than what you would have looked for when you were younger.
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
    I think as I've gotten older and been through a slew of relationships, its helped me figure out who I am and what I want. Settling is no longer an option.
  • littlepinkhearts
    littlepinkhearts Posts: 1,055 Member
    I believe another perspective would be that you perhaps, become more realistic in your expectations, wants, needs and your priorities may change as time moves on and experiences are left behind you.
  • jfcarlson713
    jfcarlson713 Posts: 108 Member
    I think as you get older you figure out what is truly important in a mate. That would NOT be how attractive or accomplished they are. It WOULD be how they treat you, how you interact and if you share the same values and vision of your future. What seems to matter in your 20's clearly changes when you're in your 30's & 40's. No - I didn't settle - I waited for the RIGHT match.
  • pinkledoodledoo
    pinkledoodledoo Posts: 290 Member
    I think as we age we become more forgiving of peoples' imperfections and in that regard we may find things acceptable that were once unthinkable. I believe it's a matter of maturity and being able to correctly identify what matters most to a person in their spouse without considering superficial concerns such as looks, money and family tree.
  • chunkydunk714
    chunkydunk714 Posts: 784 Member
    I think as I've gotten older and been through a slew of relationships, its helped me figure out who I am and what I want. Settling is no longer an option.

    This!
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    If you are really only 18, this is not something you need to be worrying about right now. I thought you were going to be 50+.
  • Greenrun99
    Greenrun99 Posts: 2,065 Member
    When I was younger (early 20's) I would never date someone with kids, as I am getting older that is slowly changing.. but that is about all that is changing for criteria.. But even then.. she really has to blow my socks off if she has a kid.
  • silvergurl518
    silvergurl518 Posts: 4,123 Member
    No we dont settle....which explains why Im 30 and still single. I refuse to ever let myself be dragged into a sh*tty relationship ever again.

    No matter what age, you deserve the best and its out there somewhere :)

    exactly this. i'm 30 and single and have been in a few mediocre/crappy relationships (only one really good one, and that ended a year ago). i much prefer being on my own than settling for mediocrity (or less).

    i noticed, OP, that you are only 18. aren't you a tad young to be so cynical (as you described yourself) already? :(
  • onedayatatime12
    onedayatatime12 Posts: 577 Member
    I think as we age we become more forgiving of peoples' imperfections and in that regard we may find things acceptable that were once unthinkable. I believe it's a matter of maturity and being able to correctly identify what matters most to a person in their spouse without considering superficial concerns such as looks, money and family tree.

    I wouldn't say family tree is much of a superficial concern. Excessive interference in the couple's marriage is certainly something no one wants (which is what some of the wives in these couples have complained about).
  • kookanddra
    kookanddra Posts: 92
    Since your only 18 you have a long ways to go to think about this, but personally, I think that people that settle have a self esteem issues. Why would you settle?? Do you (not you personally but people in general) not think that you are good enough to really get what you want and deserve?? I truely believe that there is someone for everyone. It may take some time or a few relationships but its there!! Just have to have your eyes open to it.
  • italian_bella_xo
    italian_bella_xo Posts: 147
    I think as I've gotten older and been through a slew of relationships, its helped me figure out who I am and what I want. Settling is no longer an option.

    this right here!! :) i am just learning this now myself actually.
  • gwduker
    gwduker Posts: 293
    I think as I've gotten older and been through a slew of relationships, its helped me figure out who I am and what I want. Settling is no longer an option.

    Would you "settle" for me!! :)

    I don't believe in settling, but I do believe what you consider important/looking for changes.
  • MzManiak
    MzManiak Posts: 1,361 Member
    I think as you get older you figure out what is truly important in a mate. That would NOT be how attractive or accomplished they are. It WOULD be how they treat you, how you interact and if you share the same values and vision of your future. What seems to matter in your 20's clearly changes when you're in your 30's & 40's. No - I didn't settle - I waited for the RIGHT match.

    I was just about to say something like this. Just because a man meets certain criteria on your little checklist does NOT mean you would want to spend the rest of your life with him! There are many more important things than how "accomplished" he is or how attractive.
  • Velum_cado
    Velum_cado Posts: 1,608 Member
    I don't think it's lower standards, I just think as you get older you get more self-aware, more patient and less concerned with petty BS in general. This makes it easier to acknowledge qualities you like that you might have avoided in the past because of social pressures (things like dating someone of another race, someone shorter than you, fatter than you, etc), see past certain things superficial qualities, and find happiness with someone you wouldn't necessarily have considered an option before. It's more about maturity, I think.
  • onedayatatime12
    onedayatatime12 Posts: 577 Member
    If you are really only 18, this is not something you need to be worrying about right now. I thought you were going to be 50+.

    I don't think I presented myself as I meant to! I am NOT interested in a relationship/dating now and it is the least of my concerns for another ten years or so, but I enjoy studying social/behavioral psychology (not for my career, however) and discussing topics that pique my interest.
  • Juliejustsaying
    Juliejustsaying Posts: 2,332 Member
    Love is love...meaning that I've never really had control over who I fall for....its been few and far between. Frankly I'd say I settled more earlier in my life than now. My marriage was a total sham and should never have happened....I just thought it was time to marry. Now, I'm in love, for prolly the first time...and he isn't perfect or steady or anything conventional. What he is is hard working, honest, straightforward...and loves me as much as I love him.

    I think there is a danger and trying to define things in generic terms and tie them up neatly with a bow. Life and people just don't work that way...IMHO. But it seems to be human nature to try...and it certainly is fascinating to think on.

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  • dawningr
    dawningr Posts: 387 Member
    I think as I've gotten older and been through a slew of relationships, its helped me figure out who I am and what I want. Settling is no longer an option.

    ^^ this
  • murphy612
    murphy612 Posts: 734 Member
    I believe another perspective would be that you perhaps, become more realistic in your expectations, wants, needs and your priorities may change as time moves on and experiences are left behind you.

    Ditto
  • shred_me_up
    shred_me_up Posts: 267 Member
    hmmm depends on the person.

    i know a lot of people settle if they want kids and are approaching an age where they feel like it wont be possible anymore!
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    I'm 35. I am divorced with two kids. I had a failed long-term after the marriage (but technically during because it took forever to get divorced). I had some passing attempts at long-term prior to getting married.

    If anything, I would have to say that I have stepped up my standards, but my expectation of finding a life-long love have certainly diminished. Not that I've given up, but I have resolved that I can be happy without it.
  • swede160
    swede160 Posts: 24 Member
    I totally agree that it has less to with lowering expectations, and more to do with a change in what you find attractive or desireable in life. In my 20 I dated a lot. I was very attracted to the guys, but would never consider marrying them. They were fun, unpredictable and all that, but I DIDN'T want to be married. Then, in my 30s I decided that I wanted to start a family. That decision led to a gigantic shift in what I found attractive. I now cherish loyalty, kindness and stability. I wouldn't say I settled, I would say I've changed; matured.
  • LuckyLeprechaun
    LuckyLeprechaun Posts: 6,296 Member

    I wouldn't say family tree is much of a superficial concern. Excessive interference in the couple's marriage is certainly something no one wants (which is what some of the wives in these couples have complained about).

    Familial interference only goes as far as the partner allows it to go. My mom was on a campaign to alienate me from my husband. She disapproved of his being 19 yrs older than me.

    Well, we have been together 15 yrs now, and I rarely talk to my mom these days.

    Her choice to act up. My choice to disallow it in my life.
  • onedayatatime12
    onedayatatime12 Posts: 577 Member
    No we dont settle....which explains why Im 30 and still single. I refuse to ever let myself be dragged into a sh*tty relationship ever again.

    No matter what age, you deserve the best and its out there somewhere :)

    exactly this. i'm 30 and single and have been in a few mediocre/crappy relationships (only one really good one, and that ended a year ago). i much prefer being on my own than settling for mediocrity (or less).

    i noticed, OP, that you are only 18. aren't you a tad young to be so cynical (as you described yourself) already? :(

    I described myself as 'cynical' because I believe that love is never selfless and there are always motives when people get involved with each other. I knew that many people on here who felt that they have found their 'true love' would be offended, and I am no one to judge the basis/reason for anyone's love, so I put this in anticipation of negative responses.
  • srudis25
    srudis25 Posts: 65 Member
    I'm happy I waited until my late 30's. It gave me enough experience to really understand what I needed and wanted in a good stable relationship. I've only been married a couple of months, but I have no doubts that this is it, and soo happy I didn't settle! :heart:
  • onedayatatime12
    onedayatatime12 Posts: 577 Member
    I think as you get older you figure out what is truly important in a mate. That would NOT be how attractive or accomplished they are. It WOULD be how they treat you, how you interact and if you share the same values and vision of your future. What seems to matter in your 20's clearly changes when you're in your 30's & 40's. No - I didn't settle - I waited for the RIGHT match.

    I was just about to say something like this. Just because a man meets certain criteria on your little checklist does NOT mean you would want to spend the rest of your life with him! There are many more important things than how "accomplished" he is or how attractive.

    When I mean 'accomplished' I mean an intellectual match and an equal, basically.
  • onedayatatime12
    onedayatatime12 Posts: 577 Member
    hmmm depends on the person.

    i know a lot of people settle if they want kids and are approaching an age where they feel like it wont be possible anymore!

    EXACTLY. That's what I thought too.
  • Alex_is_Hawks
    Alex_is_Hawks Posts: 3,499 Member
    i know someone that is technically settling....she used to exclusively date one type of man....

    and now is dating someone many people would consider very beneath her usual type....

    she used to date very tall (she's 6'1"), very in shape, active and handsome men....

    now she's dating and marrying a middle aged, balding, "tubby" (her words not mine) "schlub of a darling" (again her words not mine)

    why? most would say she's settling but honestly,

    the men she used to date wanted certain things....they wanted to be in the gym, they wanted to work out and run marathons and have active vacations....they wanted to be seen and have a whirlwind life...

    nothing wrong with that AT ALL...except...she HATES the gym, she loathes active vacations, she despises running, she wants to sit somewhere, get sun and not move, she wants to eat out every night and not give a damn about macros...

    her new partner is exactly the same as her....so she didn't settle at all...she found someone to enjoy life with...instead of just enjoying looking at him...

    the point is.....i think as we get older, we have a better handle on who we are and not who we think the world wants us to be.

    and we find someone that matches us...and not what we think the world wants us to match.

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