Relationships and Age (May be Offensive To Some)

murphy612

I believe another perspective would be that you perhaps, become more realistic in your expectations, wants, needs and your priorities may change as time moves on and experiences are left behind you.

Ditto

shred_me_up

hmmm depends on the person.

i know a lot of people settle if they want kids and are approaching an age where they feel like it wont be possible anymore!

UsedToBeHusky

I'm 35. I am divorced with two kids. I had a failed long-term after the marriage (but technically during because it took forever to get divorced). I had some passing attempts at long-term prior to getting married.

If anything, I would have to say that I have stepped up my standards, but my expectation of finding a life-long love have certainly diminished. Not that I've given up, but I have resolved that I can be happy without it.

swede160

I totally agree that it has less to with lowering expectations, and more to do with a change in what you find attractive or desireable in life. In my 20 I dated a lot. I was very attracted to the guys, but would never consider marrying them. They were fun, unpredictable and all that, but I DIDN'T want to be married. Then, in my 30s I decided that I wanted to start a family. That decision led to a gigantic shift in what I found attractive. I now cherish loyalty, kindness and stability. I wouldn't say I settled, I would say I've changed; matured.

LuckyLeprechaun

I wouldn't say family tree is much of a superficial concern. Excessive interference in the couple's marriage is certainly something no one wants (which is what some of the wives in these couples have complained about).

Familial interference only goes as far as the partner allows it to go. My mom was on a campaign to alienate me from my husband. She disapproved of his being 19 yrs older than me.

Well, we have been together 15 yrs now, and I rarely talk to my mom these days.

Her choice to act up. My choice to disallow it in my life.

onedayatatime12

No we dont settle....which explains why Im 30 and still single. I refuse to ever let myself be dragged into a sh*tty relationship ever again.

No matter what age, you deserve the best and its out there somewhere

exactly this. i'm 30 and single and have been in a few mediocre/crappy relationships (only one really good one, and that ended a year ago). i much prefer being on my own than settling for mediocrity (or less).

i noticed, OP, that you are only 18. aren't you a tad young to be so cynical (as you described yourself) already?

I described myself as 'cynical' because I believe that love is never selfless and there are always motives when people get involved with each other. I knew that many people on here who felt that they have found their 'true love' would be offended, and I am no one to judge the basis/reason for anyone's love, so I put this in anticipation of negative responses.

srudis25

I'm happy I waited until my late 30's. It gave me enough experience to really understand what I needed and wanted in a good stable relationship. I've only been married a couple of months, but I have no doubts that this is it, and soo happy I didn't settle!

onedayatatime12

I think as you get older you figure out what is truly important in a mate. That would NOT be how attractive or accomplished they are. It WOULD be how they treat you, how you interact and if you share the same values and vision of your future. What seems to matter in your 20's clearly changes when you're in your 30's & 40's. No - I didn't settle - I waited for the RIGHT match.

I was just about to say something like this. Just because a man meets certain criteria on your little checklist does NOT mean you would want to spend the rest of your life with him! There are many more important things than how "accomplished" he is or how attractive.

When I mean 'accomplished' I mean an intellectual match and an equal, basically.

onedayatatime12

hmmm depends on the person.

i know a lot of people settle if they want kids and are approaching an age where they feel like it wont be possible anymore!

EXACTLY. That's what I thought too.

Alex_is_Hawks

i know someone that is technically settling....she used to exclusively date one type of man....

and now is dating someone many people would consider very beneath her usual type....

she used to date very tall (she's 6'1"), very in shape, active and handsome men....

now she's dating and marrying a middle aged, balding, "tubby" (her words not mine) "schlub of a darling" (again her words not mine)

why? most would say she's settling but honestly,

the men she used to date wanted certain things....they wanted to be in the gym, they wanted to work out and run marathons and have active vacations....they wanted to be seen and have a whirlwind life...

nothing wrong with that AT ALL...except...she HATES the gym, she loathes active vacations, she despises running, she wants to sit somewhere, get sun and not move, she wants to eat out every night and not give a damn about macros...

her new partner is exactly the same as her....so she didn't settle at all...she found someone to enjoy life with...instead of just enjoying looking at him...

the point is.....i think as we get older, we have a better handle on who we are and not who we think the world wants us to be.

and we find someone that matches us...and not what we think the world wants us to match.

pinkledoodledoo

I think as we age we become more forgiving of peoples' imperfections and in that regard we may find things acceptable that were once unthinkable. I believe it's a matter of maturity and being able to correctly identify what matters most to a person in their spouse without considering superficial concerns such as looks, money and family tree.

I wouldn't say family tree is much of a superficial concern. Excessive interference in the couple's marriage is certainly something no one wants (which is what some of the wives in these couples have complained about).

I was referencing your original post where the accomplishments of in-laws was a consideration... perhaps "family tree" wasn't the right term.

IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym

I think as I've gotten older and been through a slew of relationships, its helped me figure out who I am and what I want. Settling is no longer an option.

Would you "settle" for me!!

I don't believe in settling, but I do believe what you consider important/looking for changes.

I would agree that what you consider important and are looking for changes.

onedayatatime12

I wouldn't say family tree is much of a superficial concern. Excessive interference in the couple's marriage is certainly something no one wants (which is what some of the wives in these couples have complained about).

Familial interference only goes as far as the partner allows it to go. My mom was on a campaign to alienate me from my husband. She disapproved of his being 19 yrs older than me.

Well, we have been together 15 yrs now, and I rarely talk to my mom these days.

Her choice to act up. My choice to disallow it in my life.

I guess you're right! If the couple wants to make it work, and it's a large issue like yours, they'll put their foot down and say no.

onedayatatime12

I think as we age we become more forgiving of peoples' imperfections and in that regard we may find things acceptable that were once unthinkable. I believe it's a matter of maturity and being able to correctly identify what matters most to a person in their spouse without considering superficial concerns such as looks, money and family tree.

I wouldn't say family tree is much of a superficial concern. Excessive interference in the couple's marriage is certainly something no one wants (which is what some of the wives in these couples have complained about).

I was referencing your original post where the accomplishments of in-laws was a consideration... perhaps "family tree" wasn't the right term.

Oh, in that case, let me clarify. The parents of the groom feel inferior to the parents of the bride, and there is constantly a tension to live up to their expectations, and compete with them. They act snobby around the parents of the bride, and It's quite disgusting actually.

lilgia

I was very cynical. Almost too much soo about the topic of being in a relationship and love. I thought it was for weak people. People who couldn't be alone.

I'm now engaged after dating someone for a little over a year. He is not the person I imagined being with at all. He's 35, 7 years older than me. He was single for 5 years because he didn't want to settle and thought he was never getting married. Then in waltzed me.

When you get older you realize that list of perfect things you have are not realistic. You might find all those things but the spark the happiness not come so easy. NEVER SETTLE!! I have so many friends who settled and they are miserable. You can tell even if they don't act or say so. it's so sad to see. Your happiness is the most important. Once you have that, find someone who compliments that. I always thought it would be better to be happy alone, then with someone and miserable.

tracieangeletti

its not settling (well for some it may be).. but I just think as you grow older your priorities change and what you look for is different than what you would have looked for when you were younger.

THIS!!!!! With age I have learned that the things I thought were so important in my youth have actually little to no bearing on my life. You learn to accept yourself and others at face value, flaws and all. You learn what love is really about and what it truly means. Often the "better", "safer" choice ends up to be neither and the guy who is struggling and flawed ends up being the most loyal, loving man you've ever known. Age is a wonderful thing people. I am much more at peace and happier with myself and my life than I have ever been before. Embrace getting older, enjoy it!

pinkledoodledoo

I think as we age we become more forgiving of peoples' imperfections and in that regard we may find things acceptable that were once unthinkable. I believe it's a matter of maturity and being able to correctly identify what matters most to a person in their spouse without considering superficial concerns such as looks, money and family tree.

I wouldn't say family tree is much of a superficial concern. Excessive interference in the couple's marriage is certainly something no one wants (which is what some of the wives in these couples have complained about).

I was referencing your original post where the accomplishments of in-laws was a consideration... perhaps "family tree" wasn't the right term.

Oh, in that case, let me clarify. The parents of the groom feel inferior to the parents of the bride, and there is constantly a tension to live up to their expectations, and compete with them. They act snobby around the parents of the bride, and It's quite disgusting actually.

I'm not sure who is getting married but it sounds as if you have some particular situation in mind. I would say that the problem you're describing comes primarily from a difference in class. If someone that is lower-middle class marries someone that is upper-middle class then there is often tension between families due to differences in traditions that have long been associated with the amount of money available to create them. One family may have pizza night every Friday while the other goes out for sushi every Friday. Hair dye at home from a box vs. in a salon/spa. That sort of thing... the accomplishments of one family do not outweigh the value of the other though. Some of the nicest people I've ever known have been poorer than dirt.

tracieangeletti

I think as you get older you figure out what is truly important in a mate. That would NOT be how attractive or accomplished they are. It WOULD be how they treat you, how you interact and if you share the same values and vision of your future. What seems to matter in your 20's clearly changes when you're in your 30's & 40's. No - I didn't settle - I waited for the RIGHT match.

THIS too!!

BeachGingerOnTheRocks

It depends entirely on the person. Some people feel a sudden urge get married and have children at 19 and "settle." Some people do this at 35 and "settle."

Some people want to date everyone they can at 19, and some people want to do that at 50, always saying they will eventually settle down, but they never do.

I know single men in their 40s who claim they want to meet the right woman and get married, but they set up a long list of unattainable things, like must be a pro cheerleader vegan who is vegan for health and not moral reasons, who is blonde and under 5'4". Then there are women who are in their 30s who are waiting for the perfect Christian virgin male in his 40s to come along. These are things that will never happen for either, but they set these road blocks up because they feel that saying what they really want to do - be solitary - isn't socially acceptable.

Then there are people who meet someone in grad school and believe it is the right time to get married, so they do, and manage to live their lives together well into their elderly years, some happy, some bored.

But I still believe that the most common are people who meet and fall madly in love and get married at any age.

ldrosophila

Well statistically speaking the more educated and older a woman is the less likely she will find a partner. So yes if yes I believe you have to settle. Combine that with biological clocks ticking in the 30's with less than attractive physical features and be happy with the crumbs life gives you. If you dont want to settle then expect being single for many years.

Then again I think getting married too young is also a bad idea. There is a happy medium and that age is 24-27.