Relationships and Age (May be Offensive To Some)
Replies
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I think as we age we become more forgiving of peoples' imperfections and in that regard we may find things acceptable that were once unthinkable. I believe it's a matter of maturity and being able to correctly identify what matters most to a person in their spouse without considering superficial concerns such as looks, money and family tree.
I wouldn't say family tree is much of a superficial concern. Excessive interference in the couple's marriage is certainly something no one wants (which is what some of the wives in these couples have complained about).
I was referencing your original post where the accomplishments of in-laws was a consideration... perhaps "family tree" wasn't the right term.0 -
I think as I've gotten older and been through a slew of relationships, its helped me figure out who I am and what I want. Settling is no longer an option.
Would you "settle" for me!!
I don't believe in settling, but I do believe what you consider important/looking for changes.
I would agree that what you consider important and are looking for changes.0 -
I wouldn't say family tree is much of a superficial concern. Excessive interference in the couple's marriage is certainly something no one wants (which is what some of the wives in these couples have complained about).
Familial interference only goes as far as the partner allows it to go. My mom was on a campaign to alienate me from my husband. She disapproved of his being 19 yrs older than me.
Well, we have been together 15 yrs now, and I rarely talk to my mom these days.
Her choice to act up. My choice to disallow it in my life.
I guess you're right! If the couple wants to make it work, and it's a large issue like yours, they'll put their foot down and say no.0 -
I think as we age we become more forgiving of peoples' imperfections and in that regard we may find things acceptable that were once unthinkable. I believe it's a matter of maturity and being able to correctly identify what matters most to a person in their spouse without considering superficial concerns such as looks, money and family tree.
I wouldn't say family tree is much of a superficial concern. Excessive interference in the couple's marriage is certainly something no one wants (which is what some of the wives in these couples have complained about).
I was referencing your original post where the accomplishments of in-laws was a consideration... perhaps "family tree" wasn't the right term.
Oh, in that case, let me clarify. The parents of the groom feel inferior to the parents of the bride, and there is constantly a tension to live up to their expectations, and compete with them. They act snobby around the parents of the bride, and It's quite disgusting actually.0 -
I was very cynical. Almost too much soo about the topic of being in a relationship and love. I thought it was for weak people. People who couldn't be alone.
I'm now engaged after dating someone for a little over a year. He is not the person I imagined being with at all. He's 35, 7 years older than me. He was single for 5 years because he didn't want to settle and thought he was never getting married. Then in waltzed me.
When you get older you realize that list of perfect things you have are not realistic. You might find all those things but the spark the happiness not come so easy. NEVER SETTLE!! I have so many friends who settled and they are miserable. You can tell even if they don't act or say so. it's so sad to see. Your happiness is the most important. Once you have that, find someone who compliments that. I always thought it would be better to be happy alone, then with someone and miserable.0 -
its not settling (well for some it may be).. but I just think as you grow older your priorities change and what you look for is different than what you would have looked for when you were younger.
THIS!!!!! With age I have learned that the things I thought were so important in my youth have actually little to no bearing on my life. You learn to accept yourself and others at face value, flaws and all. You learn what love is really about and what it truly means. Often the "better", "safer" choice ends up to be neither and the guy who is struggling and flawed ends up being the most loyal, loving man you've ever known. Age is a wonderful thing people. I am much more at peace and happier with myself and my life than I have ever been before. Embrace getting older, enjoy it!0 -
I think as we age we become more forgiving of peoples' imperfections and in that regard we may find things acceptable that were once unthinkable. I believe it's a matter of maturity and being able to correctly identify what matters most to a person in their spouse without considering superficial concerns such as looks, money and family tree.
I wouldn't say family tree is much of a superficial concern. Excessive interference in the couple's marriage is certainly something no one wants (which is what some of the wives in these couples have complained about).
I was referencing your original post where the accomplishments of in-laws was a consideration... perhaps "family tree" wasn't the right term.
Oh, in that case, let me clarify. The parents of the groom feel inferior to the parents of the bride, and there is constantly a tension to live up to their expectations, and compete with them. They act snobby around the parents of the bride, and It's quite disgusting actually.
I'm not sure who is getting married but it sounds as if you have some particular situation in mind. I would say that the problem you're describing comes primarily from a difference in class. If someone that is lower-middle class marries someone that is upper-middle class then there is often tension between families due to differences in traditions that have long been associated with the amount of money available to create them. One family may have pizza night every Friday while the other goes out for sushi every Friday. Hair dye at home from a box vs. in a salon/spa. That sort of thing... the accomplishments of one family do not outweigh the value of the other though. Some of the nicest people I've ever known have been poorer than dirt.0 -
I think as you get older you figure out what is truly important in a mate. That would NOT be how attractive or accomplished they are. It WOULD be how they treat you, how you interact and if you share the same values and vision of your future. What seems to matter in your 20's clearly changes when you're in your 30's & 40's. No - I didn't settle - I waited for the RIGHT match.
THIS too!!0 -
It depends entirely on the person. Some people feel a sudden urge get married and have children at 19 and "settle." Some people do this at 35 and "settle."
Some people want to date everyone they can at 19, and some people want to do that at 50, always saying they will eventually settle down, but they never do.
I know single men in their 40s who claim they want to meet the right woman and get married, but they set up a long list of unattainable things, like must be a pro cheerleader vegan who is vegan for health and not moral reasons, who is blonde and under 5'4". Then there are women who are in their 30s who are waiting for the perfect Christian virgin male in his 40s to come along. These are things that will never happen for either, but they set these road blocks up because they feel that saying what they really want to do - be solitary - isn't socially acceptable.
Then there are people who meet someone in grad school and believe it is the right time to get married, so they do, and manage to live their lives together well into their elderly years, some happy, some bored.
But I still believe that the most common are people who meet and fall madly in love and get married at any age.0 -
Well statistically speaking the more educated and older a woman is the less likely she will find a partner. So yes if yes I believe you have to settle. Combine that with biological clocks ticking in the 30's with less than attractive physical features and be happy with the crumbs life gives you. If you dont want to settle then expect being single for many years.
Then again I think getting married too young is also a bad idea. There is a happy medium and that age is 24-27.0 -
Then again I think getting married too young is also a bad idea. There is a happy medium and that age is 24-27.
Both of my marriages have missed this happy medium (22 and 28). :laugh:0 -
My expectations are actually much higher than they used to be. I hate to sound cavalier about it because marriage is something I value and respect and definitely something I want at some point. But I was never a person who thought I had to get married by a certain age (or at all) just so I could flaunt it as evidence of my social acceptability. I was always more worried about getting an education and establishing a career so I didn't end up mooching off my parents until someone decided I was worthy of a marriage proposal. I don't live in a Jane Austen novel.
These days, I'm pretty clear on the fact that I'm a catch. I don't have to "settle" for some random *kitten* so that people will get off my back about being 30 and still unmarried and childless. I'm happy. I'll be happy even if I never come close to getting married. I hope I do, but only if I meet the right person, and I know what I'm looking for. My bar is high. I'm absolutely worth it. And his bar better be high, too, because I'm not attracted to men who are just happy to find a woman with a pulse.0 -
Well statistically speaking the more educated and older a woman is the less likely she will find a partner. So yes if yes I believe you have to settle. Combine that with biological clocks ticking in the 30's with less than attractive physical features and be happy with the crumbs life gives you. If you dont want to settle then expect being single for many years.
Then again I think getting married too young is also a bad idea. There is a happy medium and that age is 24-27.
Wow! So the older and better educated I am, the more likely I am to stay single. That doesn't really bother me now, but if someone had said that to me five years ago, I might have made a different decision about pursuing my degree. :ohwell:0 -
Love is love...meaning that I've never really had control over who I fall for....its been few and far between. Frankly I'd say I settled more earlier in my life than now. My marriage was a total sham and should never have happened....I just thought it was time to marry. Now, I'm in love, for prolly the first time...and he isn't perfect or steady or anything conventional. What he is is hard working, honest, straightforward...and loves me as much as I love him.
I think there is a danger and trying to define things in generic terms and tie them up neatly with a bow. Life and people just don't work that way...IMHO. But it seems to be human nature to try...and it certainly is fascinating to think on.
Once again THIS!! I feel exactly the same way. Couldn't have said it better.0 -
My expectations are actually much higher than they used to be. I hate to sound cavalier about it because marriage is something I value and respect and definitely something I want at some point. But I was never a person who thought I had to get married by a certain age (or at all) just so I could flaunt it as evidence of my social acceptability. I was always more worried about getting an education and establishing a career so I didn't end up mooching off my parents until someone decided I was worthy of a marriage proposal. I don't live in a Jane Austen novel.
These days, I'm pretty clear on the fact that I'm a catch. I don't have to "settle" for some random *kitten* so that people will get off my back about being 30 and still unmarried and childless. I'm happy. I'll be happy even if I never come close to getting married. I hope I do, but only if I meet the right person, and I know what I'm looking for. My bar is high. I'm absolutely worth it. And his bar better be high, too, because I'm not attracted to men who are just happy to find a woman with a pulse.
Bada bing, bada boom. Its like you're in my head.0 -
I think as we age we become more forgiving of peoples' imperfections and in that regard we may find things acceptable that were once unthinkable. I believe it's a matter of maturity and being able to correctly identify what matters most to a person in their spouse without considering superficial concerns such as looks, money and family tree.
I wouldn't say family tree is much of a superficial concern. Excessive interference in the couple's marriage is certainly something no one wants (which is what some of the wives in these couples have complained about).
I was referencing your original post where the accomplishments of in-laws was a consideration... perhaps "family tree" wasn't the right term.
Oh, in that case, let me clarify. The parents of the groom feel inferior to the parents of the bride, and there is constantly a tension to live up to their expectations, and compete with them. They act snobby around the parents of the bride, and It's quite disgusting actually.
I'm not sure who is getting married but it sounds as if you have some particular situation in mind. I would say that the problem you're describing comes primarily from a difference in class. If someone that is lower-middle class marries someone that is upper-middle class then there is often tension between families due to differences in traditions that have long been associated with the amount of money available to create them. One family may have pizza night every Friday while the other goes out for sushi every Friday. Hair dye at home from a box vs. in a salon/spa. That sort of thing... the accomplishments of one family do not outweigh the value of the other though. Some of the nicest people I've ever known have been poorer than dirt.
That was the situation with one of my relatives, and still is. I agree- accomplishments are accomplishments. But the parents of the groom don't seem to realize that, and they make things hell for the two. When I mean accomplished, I mean, the spouses should be at pretty much the same status (e.g. career, intellectual capacity, etc.). It makes it harder on the couple when there's a difference in status, so why not find a wholesome relationship without the need for such petty clashes? It's almost like you're getting yourself into such a situation that's full of problems, and you KNOW that before you make the commitment, right?0 -
When I was younger (early 20's) I would never date someone with kids, as I am getting older that is slowly changing.. but that is about all that is changing for criteria.. But even then.. she really has to blow my socks off if she has a kid.
This was me no kids, no divorce, financially secure and has a car, but sadly as you and your pool of potential partner gets older you realize that you have to accept that baggage if you want to be in a relationship. Kid baggage, ex baggage and all just have to grin and bear it.0 -
My expectations are actually much higher than they used to be.
I was actually in the middle of writing a post saying essentially this when I closed the tab, deciding I didn't want to get involved. With age has come a greater appreciation for the things that really matter to long-term happiness and compatibility, and my standards are higher as a result.0 -
That was the situation with one of my relatives, and still is. I agree- accomplishments are accomplishments. But the parents of the groom don't seem to realize that, and they make things hell for the two. When I mean accomplished, I mean, the spouses should be at pretty much the same status (e.g. career, intellectual capacity, etc.). It makes it harder on the couple when there's a difference in status, so why not find a wholesome relationship without the need for such petty clashes? It's almost like you're getting yourself into such a situation that's full of problems, and you KNOW that before you make the commitment, right?
I'm sorry... are you suggesting that this couple should break up because his parents are terrible people?
Because that's what it sounds like...0 -
When I was younger (early 20's) I would never date someone with kids, as I am getting older that is slowly changing.. but that is about all that is changing for criteria.. But even then.. she really has to blow my socks off if she has a kid.
This was me no kids, no divorce, financially secure and has a car, but sadly as you and your pool of potential partner gets older you realize that you have to accept that baggage if you want to be in a relationship. Kid baggage, ex baggage and all just have to grin and bear it.
This is true... and if you really care about someone, you find a way to cope with baggage.0 -
Yeah, I just think that you can't possibly place judgements on this. Some people have healthy relationships and some people have unhealthy relationships. I'm thinking of someone very specific. She had abusive relationships all her life, and is also too picky about the good guys. She is in her mid fifties now. This is something I see in my family. People being in abusive relationships and then also being too picky about the normal human quirks and "flaws". So, for some people it is an internal issue that needs to be worked out (if that is even possible, sometimes there is a personality disorder).
I was never looking to get married and needed to really know I could trust people. I went to a great college, with a lot of wonderful people. I met my husband. I was friends with him for two years to establish a steady base of trust, to really get to know him. And he was amazing in every way. I fell in love and got married young, that was 17 years ago, and still going strong. If something were to happen and I were single again, I would not require such a long time to build that trust because I am older now. But, I would not settle. I would rather be alone than to settle. But, I would not turn away a real, human that has kindness and "flaws". I'm not perfect either, they would need to love me for me, just as I would need to love them for them. That's what love is.0 -
There's settling and there's dreaming, somewhere in the middle there's a sweet spot. Everybody dreams of a guy/girl with perfect 10 body, face of an angel, brain of einstein, sensitivity of Shakespeare, and wealth of Bill Gates. At some point you'll need to climb down from the clouds and get real. It doesn't mean you need to take any old bum, you just gotta pick a real human being.0
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Well statistically speaking the more educated and older a woman is the less likely she will find a partner. So yes if yes I believe you have to settle. Combine that with biological clocks ticking in the 30's with less than attractive physical features and be happy with the crumbs life gives you. If you dont want to settle then expect being single for many years.
Then again I think getting married too young is also a bad idea. There is a happy medium and that age is 24-27.
Wow! So the older and better educated I am, the more likely I am to stay single. That doesn't really bother me now, but if someone had said that to me five years ago, I might have made a different decision about pursuing my degree. :ohwell:
This is what I think too. I find that people DO settle because who REALLY wants an equal partner? It's human nature to want to be the best and if your spouse is by your side, and has accomplished much more than you have, wouldn't it make you feel like *kitten*? One person is usually always on a pedestal in the relationship (if it's a stable one of course), and it depends on the dynamic of the two. How many times have you seen two highly accomplished people stay married for long? It always seems like they clash so much, and drift apart. Seems to me like in all the successful relationships, one is always more accomplished than the other and even if the other doesn't admit it, they certainly feel it in their heart.0 -
who REALLY wants an equal partner?
In all seriousness, the answer to that question is "mature, intelligent people comfortable with themselves."0 -
If your operational definition of Love is "a mutual long-term physical and intellectual attraction" then settling or person-hopping is probably the best you can hope for.
True Love, not the emotional "I don't have any control over who I fall in love with" (because I am having an oxytocin reaction in my brain and I am a sucker for wild emotion swings) or the attraction based on physical intimacy, but real Love is a decision to commit your life to another person. Love is giving, it is completely selfless, it always puts the other's well-being first. It is the greatest thing that a person can do and it brings a fulfillment and happiness to a person that nothing else of this world can compare to.
I am guessing you have never experienced that?0 -
That was the situation with one of my relatives, and still is. I agree- accomplishments are accomplishments. But the parents of the groom don't seem to realize that, and they make things hell for the two. When I mean accomplished, I mean, the spouses should be at pretty much the same status (e.g. career, intellectual capacity, etc.). It makes it harder on the couple when there's a difference in status, so why not find a wholesome relationship without the need for such petty clashes? It's almost like you're getting yourself into such a situation that's full of problems, and you KNOW that before you make the commitment, right?
I'm sorry... are you suggesting that this couple should break up because his parents are terrible people?
Because that's what it sounds like...
Nonononono. Not at all. But if his parents could butt out, I'm sure they both wouldn't mind.0 -
I don't think that's true at all. I think the older you get, the more you start to figure out yourself and what you want out of life. You become more patient and learn how to become better throughout your relationships. I think before having a serious relationship, you need to be happy with yourself or at least where your life is going...and find someone that supports that. Some people take more time to figure that stuff out...doesn't mean that they are settling...quite the opposite!0
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I think as we age we become more forgiving of peoples' imperfections and in that regard we may find things acceptable that were once unthinkable. I believe it's a matter of maturity and being able to correctly identify what matters most to a person in their spouse without considering superficial concerns such as looks, money and family tree.
I wouldn't say family tree is much of a superficial concern. Excessive interference in the couple's marriage is certainly something no one wants (which is what some of the wives in these couples have complained about).
I was referencing your original post where the accomplishments of in-laws was a consideration... perhaps "family tree" wasn't the right term.
Oh, in that case, let me clarify. The parents of the groom feel inferior to the parents of the bride, and there is constantly a tension to live up to their expectations, and compete with them. They act snobby around the parents of the bride, and It's quite disgusting actually.
I'm not sure who is getting married but it sounds as if you have some particular situation in mind. I would say that the problem you're describing comes primarily from a difference in class. If someone that is lower-middle class marries someone that is upper-middle class then there is often tension between families due to differences in traditions that have long been associated with the amount of money available to create them. One family may have pizza night every Friday while the other goes out for sushi every Friday. Hair dye at home from a box vs. in a salon/spa. That sort of thing... the accomplishments of one family do not outweigh the value of the other though. Some of the nicest people I've ever known have been poorer than dirt.
That was the situation with one of my relatives, and still is. I agree- accomplishments are accomplishments. But the parents of the groom don't seem to realize that, and they make things hell for the two. When I mean accomplished, I mean, the spouses should be at pretty much the same status (e.g. career, intellectual capacity, etc.). It makes it harder on the couple when there's a difference in status, so why not find a wholesome relationship without the need for such petty clashes? It's almost like you're getting yourself into such a situation that's full of problems, and you KNOW that before you make the commitment, right?
You can't always control who you fall in love with or their circumstances, all you can do is make the best of it all.0 -
Well statistically speaking the more educated and older a woman is the less likely she will find a partner. So yes if yes I believe you have to settle. Combine that with biological clocks ticking in the 30's with less than attractive physical features and be happy with the crumbs life gives you. If you dont want to settle then expect being single for many years.
Then again I think getting married too young is also a bad idea. There is a happy medium and that age is 24-27.
Wow! So the older and better educated I am, the more likely I am to stay single. That doesn't really bother me now, but if someone had said that to me five years ago, I might have made a different decision about pursuing my degree. :ohwell:
This is what I think too. I find that people DO settle because who REALLY wants an equal partner? It's human nature to want to be the best and if your spouse is by your side, and has accomplished much more than you have, wouldn't it make you feel like *kitten*? One person is usually always on a pedestal in the relationship (if it's a stable one of course), and it depends on the dynamic of the two. How many times have you seen two highly accomplished people stay married for long? It always seems like they clash so much, and drift apart. Seems to me like in all the successful relationships, one is always more accomplished than the other and even if the other doesn't admit it, they certainly feel it in their heart.
If all people have narcissistic personality disorder and they don't. You have some kind of biased info and not enough life experience.0 -
hmmm depends on the person.
i know a lot of people settle if they want kids and are approaching an age where they feel like it wont be possible anymore!
This is soo wrong! You can have kids even if you have not found the right person to have them with.. Never settle b/c of your age. You change as you get older, and make choices based off that. Eighteen is too young to be contemplating relationships. Hell, your just starting life. Go out have fun, find out who you are first then....when the right one comes along you'll know. It finds you.... You don't find it. Love yourself first...0
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